sending him a closure letter - please advice

[tristesse]

Hello every body,

I am back! For those of you who have been following my story thank you for all your help, encouragement and support, I don't know how to thank you.

 

I have been so eager to move on, I have been talking to a psychologist as well…ha ha you start thinking you're crazy but I had so much to say. So any way to make the long story short my psyc thinks I should send him a closure letter telling him good bye. She first asked me to write it, she read it (14 pages) then she's been telling me to send it…. She has good points because I ve never said good bye and I need to…My story is long but please read my previous posts and u'll see

Please tell me what you guys think

We've had no contact since the break up, 3 months… and It's not that I want to contact to get him…

What do u guys think

Thanks

[Beec]

I see nothing for you to gain by him knowing all those feelings you put into the letter.

 

Frankly, I think you would be giving him something, another piece of yourself, that he probably doesn't deserve. Especially, if you are never going to have contact again.

 

Also, I think 14 page letters for closure, ensure that the closure is final and forever. I think him staying out there and not seeing you is cowardly, but I also think he may change his mind. If you send him the 14 page letter, he won't. Do you want him to change his mind? If I were you I would, if just for the chance to say you're no longer interested.

[OhJeeeez]

My suggestion, read it out loud, as if you were reading it to him, and then burn it. That would be closure to me.

[ClareMsUK]

i agree completely with beec, also closure comes from within he can't give you that, by sending him a letter all you are doing is exposing your feelings. the fact you wrote the letter is closure in itself without having to actually send it. writing down feelings is a good way of getting them out your head and sealed away on paper, its the reason so many people keep a diary. good luck x

[Belle]

tristesse,

 

I totally agree with Beec as well. I don't believe there is anything good that can come from sending that letter. I believe it will set you back.

 

belle

[tristesse]

That's what I think too but my psychologist think that there's too manyy things unsaid! She thinks that I need to say bye and to forgive so I can go on... so I can stop seekinghis forgivness.... what should I do...

I do not wnat him back at all.. that's 1000000000000000% sure

thanks please help

[rich46]

I can see how writing a letter would help you. If you 1000000000000000000000% don't want him back, then you don't have to worry about how he'll take it. If you want to write a letter, then do it. Your psychologist knows what she is talking about. She also knows YOU a lot better than anyone on here does.

 

In the end only you can decide. Personally, I don't see any value in writing a letter and then burning it. But that is just my opinion. I know other people keep journals and it helps them a great deal.

 

Basically, it is almost impossible to advise you on this. Only you can decide. If you want to and you honestly think it will help you move on in your life, then do it!

 

Good luck!

[Beec]

If want you to forgive him, just say, "Hey you hurt me, but I've moved on. Sorry it did not work out and wish you the best." No need for 14 pages.

[Celadon]

tristesse, thank you for posting and asking your question. I see both sides of this and wanted to give you my thoughts.

 

I do understand what your psych is saying. It is helpful to say some things to your ex, to express yourself. In my situation, I had the burning desire to get certain things out in the open, and when I finally did, I felt better. I did need to tell my ex that I thought he used me, and I was fortunate he acknowledged that he heard me.

 

But, I also agree with Beec and everyone else. You don't need to send a 14-page letter. Maybe you need to send a one page letter, or talk with him on the phone, or e-mail him a short note -- solely for the purpose of closure. I got my message accross by talking on the phone and, another time, writing a short letter addressing one specific thing.

 

I do not think it's good to lay your heart out there by sending all of your thoughts and waiting for his reply. I agree with Belle, that could set you back.

 

The thing is, there's no magic bullet for getting closure. It's one step at a time. Find a way to express your feelings to him. If later you need to do more, your heart will tell you. For now, do something, then keep moving on...

[ggm]

I wrote a letter a few days after he broke with me....now, 3 months later, I don't think it was the right thing to do. I feel I gave him just one more piece of my soul and he didn't deserve that!!

Also, it did not give me closure. I thought it would, but it only kept my feelings for him alive. If I had it to do over, I would not have sent him the letter.

[Jake212]

Dont send it, just put it away or burn it, then forgive him. Make a little cerimony of it. This is something you do for yourself not him because he will look at this as a victory or as you begging to come back, you need to clear your soul not ask for him to do it for you.

[ocean9]

Why does your psyc. want you to send the letter? For what reason(s)?

I've never heard of such a recommendation before.

I think that writing the letter is therapeutic and healing...but sending it?

How can actually sending this letter benefit you...or him?

[Mun]

Tristesse,

I hope you didn't send the letter. Honestly, I don't see what good that would do.

 

You need to walk away from this with dignity. Sending the letter will only make you look as if you can't let this go. It will look as if you are obsessed.

 

I understand about not having closure and all that, but sometimes closure comes when you finally realize that things are over, or there is nothing you can do about it anymore-- Not necessarily from being able to say things face to face or in a letter.

 

If there is any possibility that he might look you up in the future, sending the letter will only make this highly unlikely. We never know what the future holds. I think you would rather he have a memory of you as a sweet girl who was very dignified even when HE was not. Am I right?

[lisaria]

Hi Tristesse,

I think that it would really be a mistake if you sent a 14 page letter. Why would you want to do that? I'm a little curious like ocean9, why would a therapist want you to send something like that? Many times they will say write a letter to get it all out but then they would tell you to burn it or flush it or something.

 

Maybe you should think about this a little more. Do you have some little inner hidden hope that maybe it will change things and you will get back together? Just a teensy tiny piece of your heart that says "weeellllll...if I do this then he will have to do that"

 

By sending him such a long and involved letter you will be giving him another piece of yourself, do you really want to do that?

lisaria

[Cassie]

I wouldn't send it personally. I did the same over a recent circumstance with a guy who hurt me badly. I couldn't sleep at night, and wrote letter after anguished letter about my feelings and hurt. But I never sent any of them. Instead they are tucked away in an online journal. Sometimes I think about sending one or two, but I always stop myself. And I feel proud of myself for not doing it either. Its true that by sending your letter, you are giving this guy something he clearly doesn't deserve. If your letter is 14 pages long, then there must be ALOT of unresolved issues in your mind. I would find personal peace with those first, and let what is meant to be happen as it will. I'm in no way a psychologist though.

[tristesse]

Hello all,

You guys might be rightl. I am meeting her today and I will tell her my fears about sending this letter. Also he has find out that I has access to his e-mails and has changed the password now..I feel like a loser but nothing close to him because he is the big loser!

I 'm not too sure either ...I don't want to give him all my feeling s in a plate! I think it does not make any sense either!

Thanks to all of you..I'll keep u posted after my meeting with her today.

Kisses to all

[SexySadie7]

You know, i have felt the same way, I just had my ex-lover really run roughshod over my feelings/heart/head & think he deserves a letter to sort of set him straight.....not to start over again, a sort of making him see the error of his ways. But not necessarily to make him think i want to go back.... i don't know yet, if he's hurt me too much for that, or the way he acted, i doubt he's even got any respect for me... but i sure have lost a lot for him in the callous way he acted.

But, this said, i do think that a 14 page letter in itself, is rather obsessive. Could you possible condense it & just hit on the main points that you so badly want to get accross, i.e. "You acted like a cad", "You have no right to be so rude/disrespectful to anyone, let alone me"

I know, lol, i'm doing a little transferrance here. but just the main stuff that really bugged you to let him know he'll probably think twice before trying to get away with that on someone again.

Maybe i'm reading something into the situation that is not there, but I do get the sense that you'd sort of like to do this for the sake of justice alone. That the way the guy acted was pure crap & he never should of tried to inflict that on you, or anyone.... I sort of think that people sometimes need to be called on their bad behavior.... otherwise they never change

[tristesse]

Hello to all of you who saw my last post about sending him a letter as advised by my psychologist…:

Last post: link removed

 

oh la la, it sounds so sad, when I have to actually admit that I had to seek help to move on and to let go!

Well I guess I am glad I did. My relationship of four years ended so suddenly and in such a inhuman way. Basically my ex just moved back to Los Angeles. I live in Toronto. He didn't tell me anything about his plans, in fact in was suppose to be a 2 weeks vacations but a day before he was due back in Toronto, he called me and told me that he will not come back. This is basically a very very cut and edited and short version of my most horrible nightmare ever.

 

I wrote 14 pages it's true, but once I met the psychologist she had a lot to say about that letter too.

She read it before we met and she was very touched by what I had to say. I explained to her my fears, and how I feel giving him a letter will be like giving him another piece of me. Also I was scared, because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction to know how I felt and how miserable I have been.

But she made some great points and I want to share them with you to get your inputs on it.

 

My ex has been telling everybody that he hopes to be my friend one day, when he no longer thinks of me every day and when he no longer loves me. (He didn't come back to break up face to face, because according to him, if he saw me he wouldn't have been able to leave, also I should maybe mention that Judaism was the big issue and the reason of the break up, since I am not Jewish and his family didn't approve of me and he was not man enough to stand up to what he believed in.

Basically he didn't give me any explanations or closures and he hopes to do it in a year or tow……Also he might seem like a monster now, he was the best thing every and the best b'f, and nobody could have guessed this as every body, including me thought he loved me more than I did love him. Every body was always amazed by our love and great friendship and our unique relationship. We were like a married couple, without being married and we shared 4 great years together… then ending was the last thing I was excepting.. I really didn't see it coming, as things were just perfect between us!

 

But I also resent the person he is now, it's like I have discovered another aspect of him that I never knew about.

By him leaving the way he left, he didn't only hurt me but , deeply hurt my family who loved him as one of us. My sister who was his best friend and was getting married a month after the break up, he was the MC and he didn't even send a note.. he just vanished like a thief!

 

My Dr think that I should write an letter where I explain my feelings but also a good bye letter, since I never said good bye to him!

She thinks that each person had to live the consequences of their actions and that my ex, like ant other human being had to learn the lesson !

There are a lot left t o say, which she thinks, I have the right to share them with him

 

Also, as much as it hurts and kills me, I know that he no longer can be my friend or anything because he is a dishonest person.

My dr wants me to say good bye to him forever. Letting him know that I will keep him and his memories in the past without carrying it with me in the future, that I no longer want to hear from him , see him or anything. Not tomorrow, or in 1 year, not even in 10 years….

She is right in a way, because she truly think that in his head, he can come back in a year and two and start where he left out, also he knows me enough and knows I forgive easily……

 

By writing this letter, I can thereforeeee explain to him my pain, my love, sorrow, disappointment, and also say good by in my way to him.

To her, the day I'll decide to sent that letter, my true journey in the path of recovery will start, as I will decide myself that I will never never and never again see him and I will truly end it!

So basically she thinks I should send a letter, not 14 pages but maybe 1 page!

 

Also she doesn't think in my case burning the letter will do angry good, bec he has done bad and I need to let him know how his behavior affected people's life, emotions and all.. he need to see how his actions have consequences.

 

Let me know what you all think.

Kisses to all of you

[Beec]

He was a coward. He knows he was a coward. He went to LA and succumbed to his mother's wishes and did not act like the man that he should have been. Guess what, he KNOWS. He told you that when he refused to come back to Toronto to see you again. If he was a coward then, do you think he has the hutzpah to come back and face you to seek his way back into your life? He'd have to grow up a lot to do that. He's need to act like a mensch (Since his judaism was an issue, I thought the words hutzpah and mensch were appropriate), which he is not. But you know what? He knows he is not. Your letter is at best treating him like a puppy rubbing his face in his mess, while serving as a platform for you to convey your thoughts and feelings. You know a pupppy likes to learn what it needs to do and not do. He should and does know what it takes to be a MAN, and he does not live up to that standard. Why bother teaching him?

[tristesse]

Beec I agree with you,

But I also have so much to tell him....

And also I want to let him no that no doors will ever be open for him to come back.. as I know he might come back.. and I want him to feel the lost!

U know what I mean..or maybe I have just been too brained washed by my dr....I don't know!

[RayKay]

You NOT contacting him and moving on will show him he can't come back. Him trying to come back in a year or whatever will show him he can't, and will hit him harder than a letter now will. He will see it by your ACTIONS, not by your words.

[Mun]

I may be wrong but I have a feeling your Dr wants you to send the letter because she think you will back down if you don't. (sort of to force you to really accept the end) Not so much to let him know how you feel.

 

Answer this: When was the last time He contacted you?

 

I have to agree with Raykay in this: I have learned that men respond and learn from your ACTIONS and not from your words. They take what you say as nagging and as it being YOUR problem...but your actions--boy do they pay attention to those!

[tristesse]

oh I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.............................

[Beec]

Well, I would say don't send it. I think muneca is right about your Dr. But I would also say that until you know what to do, don't do anything. What is the need to make a decision today, this week or this month?

[Celadon]

Hi tristesse, I just read your original posts, and I wanted to ask if your ex received the first letter you sent? The one where you said you were angry and told him off. If he's already got that one, you might not benefit from sending another one.

 

It IS important to get closure, even if you have to fly to L.A. to face the coward.

 

There is something to be said for hearing the guy take responsibility for his actions. You CAN move forward without it, but it does help. It helps to hear him say, "I am scum and I hurt you," and you being able to say back, unequivocally, "Yes, you are scum and you did hurt me, and that's why I've lost all respect for you. I thought you were better than you are, but I guess you're not the man I esteemed you to be. Bye." (Doesn't anyone hear the knife turning? )