ggm

Your kids...you have GOT TO THINK OF YOUR KIDS. We teach our children by example. You and your wife are giving them an example of a terrible marriage. If you aren't strong enough to end this hell you are living on your own..remember you are ending it for the sake of those children. If you are what you say you are (good looking, educated, etc) you will meet someone who will give you a great life. Take advantage of that. Life is too short to spend it living like you are. GOOD LUCK!!!

Thanks, Iceman26..you gave me specifics to try...Appreciate your thoughts

I need advice from men. My past 14 years have been spent either married on in one long term relationship. My good girlfriend is 12 years younger than me and just recently left the dating game to marry. Although I feel she is more in touch with recent dating trends, we disagree on one subject. She is trying to fix me up...I am resisting as I am not emotionally able to handle a sexual relationship. I know it is because I just endured a difficult break up. I do want to date...however, I can't handle the sex thing right now. Also the thought of "dutch" dates comes to mind..however, I am raising two boys solo...biological father ditched child support issues (that is a whole other story)....so $$ are really tight with me. However, I am not one bit against fixing a nice dinner at my place once in a while to "pay back". So here comes the question....how many dates, how much involvment, how much $$ (crude but true) does a man invest before he expects sex? My girlfriend tells me you can date for months, even years without "putting out". I don't know if I buy this. OK, guys give me your take on this!! thanks

Let me stress my reply is completely what happened to me. All relationships are different, but this was my experience. The slow down of sex was the beginning to the end. First came two dates with no spending of the night...I call it the driveway drop. I was told he had to get going really early the next day and just didn't have the time to spend the night. After that when he would spend the night, there were sexless nights....too tired...to occupied...etc. Then came the slow down in phone calls, going with guys to places we normally went, lack of conversation, etc. When I called him on it, he ended the relationship. There was 11 months of this type of behavior, before relationship ended. As a woman, I think a slow down of desire signals the end it near. Also, it does greatly damage ones ego. I have decided that, in the future, if there is a slow down in the sex, I am not listening to any excuses. I will end the relationship and move on. That is my personal experience and take on the situation. Good luck

Be carefull!! Run, don't walk to the library and get a copy of "Men who Can't Love" and read it. It looks like you are getting set up with a commitment phobic. What scares me is the fact YOU'RE feelings are intense. This is where you could get really hurt. Just be really carefull. Previous post is correct...his answer is unsatisfactory.

Pride...that sums it up. She probably used you for her own comfort. This is your turn to turn your nose up at her!! It does get easier. After 3 months NC, I have a genuine need to make contact to retrieve some items and I am dreading the necessary phone call. Try starting a new hobby or revive an old one you may have had prior to the relationship. You will miss her and some of the things you did together...that is normal. Just try to change thoughts when you have those moments. Hang in there.

I wrote a letter a few days after he broke with me....now, 3 months later, I don't think it was the right thing to do. I feel I gave him just one more piece of my soul and he didn't deserve that!! Also, it did not give me closure. I thought it would, but it only kept my feelings for him alive. If I had it to do over, I would not have sent him the letter.

Go get a copy of Men Who Can't Love and read it..it will probably help you. The library will have it.

Hi to All, Until this past June, I had been in a 2 year relationship with a man I've known for nearly 30 yrs (we are both in our late 40's). I had known a girl or two that he dated in the past. He was a self proclaimed terminal bachelor. I had no problem with this. I have everything a good life can offer, great children, good job, nice house... I was looking for occasional companionship from a reliable, honest man. About 3 months into our relationship, he had a near death tragic accident. This left him in 3 different hospitals for a total of 88 days...I was by his side for 86 of those days. Then there were months of rehab, I was there for that, also. This really threw a monkey wrench into our situation. When you come so close to losing someone, it changes one's perspective. His family and friends often commented on how it appeared his idea about life had changed....how it appeared he really wanted a "normal" life. Everyone began making marriage comments to us-we kept our mouths closed-smiled and went about our business. I did, however, notice the same changes. He bought a new place and allowed me to remodel and decorate to my taste. He bought me a new car. He referred to me a "his wife" when I would be sent to run an errand for him, etc., etc. About 2 weeks after he moved to his new place, I did notice a decrease in the phone calls, dates, contact, etc. I called and mentioned to him that we should discuss this and set a date a few days later to talk it over. I called on the pre-set date and it took him 4 minutes to end the relationship. No discussion, no "working it out", nothing...just "end it". Needless to say, I was very upset. It took a few weeks to divide a few items we shared and settle up various accounts. Since that time, there has been NC. His friends continue to tell me how much he loves me, how good I was for him, how he will never find another like me, etc. etc. However, their kind words only further confused me and added to my pain. Now for the question....I read a book titled "Men Who Can't Love". This helped me realize this man is a hard core commitmentphobic. The book saved my sanity. After reading this book, I realized this relationship was probably doomed from the beginning. Next week I am taking a vacation with my children and will (hopefully) have time to read. Please suggest titles that may further help me understand and avoid this type of relationship...or any other books you may have found helpful when getting over a break up. Also, any advice given will really be appreciated. Thanks!!

You must RUN to the library and get a copy of Men Who Can't Love...this is a must read for you right now. You are not alone with this type of situation. Until I read this book, my last relationship had me thinking I was totally crazy. Read this book...it will make what you have been through very clear!!

Have you read "Men Who Can't Love"? Depending upon the structure of your relationship, this might be appropriate for you. The library has it. Do remember, even if you would reconcile.....could you ever trust him?

You have a great attitude. I come from a close family...it is important to me that men join in family stuff. My first marriage failed because I felt that they did not have the family values I have. I also felt that if they weren't able to work things out with my family, they weren't willing to work things out with me. Evident through the comment "you won't leave me". He risked losing you rather than working things out. That attitude only gets worse with age!! As far as your dating and socializing...well I've got two boys and I don't date or go out. It does get frustrating, but I don't have an answer to that. Good luck to you

First, a big hug.....you need it. You are human and you made a mistake. You are admitting you made a mistake and taking steps to help yourself. Kudos to you for the mature way you are handling this. I can't say the same for the ex. It appears he may have been looking for an out and you gave him the perfect one. I know this is painful to hear, especially when you thought you and he had a good relationship. However, I am speaking from experience. Being in a marriage where you can't be yourself won't work. All marriages and LTR include rough times. Appartently you were going through a rough time. You had an ourburst, you apologized...o.k. this kind of stuff is going to happen...it is part of marriage or any LTR. It appears he can't handle this and he bailed on you. It does not appear this man could handle the pressure/ ups and downs of married life. The entire success of the marriage would lie upon YOUR shoulder. That is a tough job. The rough part is going to be the next few months...getting your stuff back....getting past the date which would have been your wedding. Do you have friends/family who can help you with this? You are doing good with NC...do rememeber that NC rules can be broken. However, you must wait 2 or so months before establishing contact. There are several posts on how to go about it, if you decide to contact him again. Currently, try to concentrate on yourself. Pick up a new hobby or something that will make you feel better about yourself. Good luck.....remember you are not alone on this!!

Oh, I agree...you can't fix this..it will only damage you. This is sooooo scary....My ex would do the same. Call up, act like everything is o.k. I was so desperate to have him, I would go along with the whole game. Only to have the whole process repeated at a later time. They verbally go over the good times you had as a couple to get you weak and get you back to them. This is a form of abuse...they abuse your self esteem... you begin to doubt yourself. Be careful. Now, looking back I realize how pathetic it was. You will only get stronger if you get away from him while you are in the "drivers seat". Don't give him power over you. The lack of fighting mentioned in a previous post really hit home...in two years we never fought about anything...always saw eye-to-eye on life goals, money, entertainment, politics, etc. I now wonder if that was true or if it was a phoney game in an attempt to manipulate. Make it appear this was a "perfect" relationship which would make me do about anything to keep it together. I'll never know. Keep strong....

I did forget to address the "he's doing you a favor" by breaking with you. I got the same line about how he wasn't good enough for me...he will only disappoint me, I deserve better, etc. This only made me feel worse. After all, this showed a compasionate, warm side that only I could see in this otherwise cold personality.... yet another reason to fight to keep the relationship alive. After a week or so, I called his very best friend. I was told this is a pattern and has happened twice before (he has only dated 4 women long term). One dumped him, he dumped two and now me. His friends and family that I have since spoke with didn't think he would do this to me, as we shared a supposed "life changing" experience. I think the "I'm doing you a favor" is their way of easing the guilt they experience over dumping a good person. I do know mine did not have any other person. I just think there are those that flat want to be alone in life and probably need counseling to overcome this problem. Mine would have never gone to counseling...way too private of a person. Will yours try counseling? It might be a suggestion. Also, I am headed to the library to find the book "Men Who Can't Love". It was suggested on another post. I think it might help get us over this.