What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

Hi Real Deal

 

Thanks for responding. You are 100% correct. I have been thinking about this over the weekend. I'm not a shy guy, quite the opposite (at the weekend i had a mother pimping her daughter out to me because of my chat...shame her daughter was only 15!) and do come accross as very arrogant a lot of the time (loud/obnoxious/outspoken!) She always used to say i was like a peacock when she first met me (she gave me a card a couple of years ago with this peacock on it with all its feathers out in front of the female with the quote 'what do you mean no!?') But when it comes to women i'm not the most confident off the bat. i dont like meeting girls in nightclubs (done all my kissing when i was a teen!) etc, and i've never really done a one night stand. Most of the girls i've been with i got to know properly first. But most of the time when i've wanted a girl, i gone and got her. the rest of the time, the girl normally came and got me. I've had 2 long term girlfriends (3 years and 6 years) and both ended up cheating on me. With both of them i never really fully committed. Emotionally i did with the latest one (6 years), but the actual living and being together i never bought into because i liked being able to do what i wanted, when i wanted and not get asked so many questions about it. I had started to make changes and was planning to ask her to move in around the time of her starting to question things. Both long term relationship were on/off things, mainly because of me not committing. Again, in the last one, she was very insecure about the future and how things would pan out (we have different religious backgrounds, which was more of a problem for the family than either of us) and i had to constantly had to reassure her that things would be ok, but my lack of commitment didnt help with that situation either. I didnt really fancy either of the girls until i got to know them properly, and that's why things clicked so well. The girls that i've been with for shorter times were ones that i met and moved forward quickly with. And the other thing is, and i don't want to sound like a douche or anything, but the girls i normally go for are usually quite good looking, in a natural way (not a fan of barbie dolls). It makes it quiet daunting to just go up and speak to that type of girl in a bar because they normally get enough male attention without me just adding to it.

 

Like i've been saying, i am focusing more on where i need to go in life. That's why i've now been able to accept what i did wrong in the relationship, because i always had these goals, but just lost sight of them over a period of time, particularly when i've been hurt and couldnt do my sports, or when work hasn't been going so well and i got stuck in a rut. I ended up depending more on the relationship as my main source of happiness when i was down about these other things. but thats also why, when i got back playing after a year out, i quickly realised that she had supported me through that crap time and that i needed to be there more for her like she was for me. but by then it was too late.

 

I am actively looking for new jobs and the opportunity to move away and experience new things. I've got into a new training regime with new people that means im not in the gym doing the same things 3 times a week. I've been going out more, with different people doing different things. I'm planning my best friends stag party for this weekend. I've got my annual tour to holland next weekend. I've got a conference in Portugal in 3 weeks to look forward to. Then i have interviews lined up in July. There is genuinely loads to be doing and loads to be excited about. But it is difficult to adjust i think when 1 thing has been the main focus of your happiness for so long, to get excited about the other things. I mean, apart from looking at my life and job status etc, the rest is all stuff i probably would have done anyway. This is whats making it more difficult for me, there were never any restrictions on me during the relationship, i was always free to do what i wanted, and what made me happy. For instance, one year i wanted to go to the states to play in a tournament, so i went and did it off the cuff without asking her or inviting her along. In my old job, i was away somewhere at least once a month, if not a couple of times. I had everything i could have wanted, a great job i loved, a girl that i loved and money to spare. I did live life on my terms....she lived her life on my terms.

 

So yeah, confidence in speaking to women is a problem. i don't really know how to approach randoms, and i'm pretty worried about rejection. I blame myself for the break-down in the relationship, but i know she wasn't completely blameless either, but i feel like i've ruined it for myself. I've got plenty to keep me busy, but it all feels a bit hollow without her. I don't know how to change that, but i really want to because i cant take the crappy feelings anymore.

 

I am also considering asking her to attend a couples councillor with me. I have taken a lot out of the sessions for myself, and i know that she is confused about us as well, she has said so. i am wondering if it will either help us move forward, or to at least give closure as to why we wouldnt work, helps us get out of the land of limbo and her with her backup. But i dont even know how to ask her.

[token09]

I have a choice of 2 decisions to make in this now, to hang around in limbo, or to walk away. I have decided that i need to walk away, and i hope i find the strength to do it now.

 

We spoke last night, with her going back to being completely negative about us. I hung up the phone on her, told her to make sure she changed her number so i didnt keep getting in touch with her, and that i wanted her out of my head and out of my life. I also asked for some money back that she owed me, and i didnt even want it back tbh. she replied saying she would get me the money and that i wouldnt ever have to see her again. I told her i loved her, because i didnt want the last thing i said to her me being an arse. We then started talking about stuff again, and its clear her head is all over the place, and so is mine. She said that she knew we have a connection that is hard to get away from, and thats why she can't even begin to think about trying again, because shes spent so long trying to get away from that, and i'm basically not letting her. She said loving me wasnt enough.

 

I need to draw a line in the sand now and walk on. Before i spoke with her, i spoke to a girl i had met through a website. I thought we would maybe chat for 10minutes, so i'd put my dinner on and called her. We ended up chatting for over an hour on the phone, and it was a really chilled conversation. I don't know if that will come to anything, i highly doubt it will, but it has made me realise that i can be me and get on with girls. But i still had it in the back of my mind that i wasnt speaking to my ex. I need to get her out of my head before i am able to move on, but i just don't know how to do that. It is a very immature thing to do to ask her to change her number, but i do feel that its the only solution to this, to make it easiest for me, especially now that she has come out and said what we both know about being in love with each other. I don't know if we would ever work, i don't know if i want to be with her right now. She says she feels the same, but the difference is that she doesnt want to try and find out while i do. So i need to walk away. I really really want to walk away, because if i dont it wont help either of us. but i don't know how to. I dont know how to get her out of my head?

[ToF]

You don't know how to get her out of your head because you haven't given yourself a chance to do so. Delete her number and everything to do with her.

[token09]

ToF.....i deleted her number abput 20 since the BU. problem is that i know it off by heart, have done for years. From when traveling in stuff.

[ToF]

I think deleting/throwing out everything else you have that either connects you to her or reminds you of her would be a good first step to truly getting her out of your head.

[Real Deal]

You are trying to rationalize with her and convince her that you guys are right for each other or whatever and you have this idea that you guys need to "work some things out". I don't get it - there is nothing to work out. She does not want to be with you, period! If she did, she would be, simple as that. Everything else is just a waste of your time. You are not valuing YOURSELF at all. Let me ask you this - are women attracted to men that are in control of their lives in every aspect to include their emotions? Answer: YES. And I am not talking about being cold and heartless either, but completely centered in their OWN reality.

 

Now, with that question asked and answered, is a man that hangs up on a woman and says to lose my number or whatever sound like he is emotionally in control? Answer: NO. You are letting what she says, the way she acts, etc., control your state. Yes, I know it is hard but you are repeating the same behaviors because that is all you know with her. Trust me, it comes off as being weak and pathetic - NOT attractive. AND it makes you feel like crap too. You have total control of this but do not have the confidence to pull it off. You sound like a guy that could easily have a very attractive lifestyle if you made a choice to. THAT is the key. You are basing your whole perception of being happy off this woman and will be prone to do the same with others in the future. Man up, my brother.

[sfindependent]

OP,

 

there's so many valid points here being given by people here, including yourself. I completely understand that what your heart isn't exactly what your mind desires.

 

It's difficult to detach yourself from someone you know and love. I'm still going through that right now. But i know i'm worth more than how people have treated me. But at the same time, they left you for your faults. Its a wake up call that we're not perfect. Use this to make yourself better.

 

Being dumped is a humbling experience. On a positive note, it just helps us realize we're not as perfect as we are and some of our unmonitored behaviors hurts our loved ones the most.

[FlashEng1]

Wow................ VERY well said my man... And if the OP, myself, and everyone else who's been through this before and ACTUALLY understood what was said right here....... It would be a bad day for eNotAlone, because the # of active users needing "help" would drastically decrease.... I love what was said here!

[askltk]

Got to agree with Flash, take it from someone who for the 7 months of posting on here ignored all the sound, sensible advice from people like Real, and merely slowed my progress.

 

"Man Up" is an expression thrown about alot here - and although it's difficult to spurn away from people you care about, its almost necessary to heal. I'm still struggling with it, as it's not in my nature to ignore people I care about but know it's what needs to be done.

[token09]

I've taken some time to take in what you've said Real Deal, and again, i agree with you. She is the only person that could provoke this kind of reaction from me, the only person. I've thought through my life to this date, and i have always been single minded (stubborn) but very much in control of what i want and would always do my best to go out and get it, no matter what the challenges ahead of me are.

 

When I had to take a year out from Uni, I had to fill my time, so I took up my coaching and got to spend a summer in America. When i was dropped from the team, i worked my butt off and made sure i couldnt be overlooked. When i was faced with a working with experienced people as a junior in the role, i made sure my opinions were heard and earnt the respect of a lot of people. When I had my first operation and was told it would take 6 months to get back playing, i did it in 3. When my knee gave out and i was told it would be difficult to get back playing at all, I worked hard on rehab for a year and got myself playing at the same level as before.

 

I feel like this is just me again. I see it as a challenge. I want this, I will put everything into it to get it. But on this occasion it has a serious impact on my own emotional state. When all of the above happened, i had her as emotional support, but because she is the issue, i am lacking emotional support to get through it. Yes i have friends and family, but she is just her. So this is a character flaw of mine, an inability to give up, and coupled with such strong feelings for the girl, it makes it even more difficult. The difference is, i had the confidence and control to get through the above events. With her i have neither. Ironically, if i had the confidence or control, it would make the whole situation better. So where do i find that from. Its not at the bottom of a bottle, its not through speaking to her, its not by moping around, but its all about time. And basically waiting around for the day where i can say, yeah, im through this and i can just look forward goes against my instincts (and every other person who is in this position i suppose). But it really does seem like doing nothing is the only way to get better. How do you approach that?

 

And yeah, i know the answers are 'keep yourself busy' but how do you do that when you are always on the go anyway??

[Ms Darcy]

I don't want to simplify your situation, but here are three key ideas I am thinking/getting from your thread.

 

One, you are emotionally distant in relationship. My advice is to work on that in future relationships. Open yourself up more. Involve women you date more in your life. Learn interdependence. It's the emotional key to keep your women with you emotionally and physically.

 

Two, you are into natually beautiful women. Out of curiosity - as you have mentioned religious differences - are these women of different ethnic backgrounds also? All I can encourage is beware of trophy-ism.

 

Three, the most crucial part of your reconciliation is your relationship. After the relationship is over, this is the best reason to give her total space. Clearly she is in control here (as you wait anxiously for her to contact you etc). But the best reason is so she can reflect on the relationship and decide that if that is what she wants for the rest of her life. I think once the dumping trigger has been pulled, you have far LESS influence than you did during the relationship.

[Real Deal]

Token, you mentioned something that caught me attention in your last post - "When all of the above happened, i had her as emotional support". As much as we would like to think that we should be able to do this with someone that we love and trust, it is not a woman's job to emotionally support a man. Often, women will say they want a man that is open and honest about his feelings, but there is a fine line between being genuine with a woman and relying on her for emotional support. It kills a woman's deep attraction for a man. Not instantly in most cases, but it does. I can tell you this because I went through some serious health issues (back injury) that also caused me to lose something (not sports but my career in the military). As a result I went through a several year period that I did convey some insecurites (meaning I sought emotional support from her) due to my diminished health onto my ex, and over the course of two years I have no doubt this was a major cause for the BU.

 

Sure, some will argue that there are "good women" out there that will stick by there man when things like this go south, but I don't care who it is, it DOES kill attraction regardless. Whether or not she dumps him as a result is the only question.

 

Bottom line is this - as a man the most important part of having a great life (with relationships with women and every other aspect) is you MUST be emotionally strong. I am not saying to never convey that you care about someone or ACT like nothing bothers you, but rather, that no matter WHAT happens in your life that you can handle it on your own and you are the source of your own power. It sounds all touchy-feely and crap, but it's true. Emotional strength in a man is HUGE factor for attraction in my experience. In the end that is why this site exists is people breaking up with one another because for whatever reason they lost attraction for the dumpee. The reasons vary, but if you work on yourself in this area I assure you this will never happen to you again. Sure, I cannot promise that a girl will never breakup with you again but your perception of it and how you recover will be dractically different.

 

Remember from that thing I posted early on - it is a man's role to emotionally SUPPORT a woman, not the other way around.

[askltk]

Agree with Real (strange that!), but it's always been traditional for women to be attracted to those that can "protect" them. It's nothing to do with sexism etc, its psychological - women want their man to take control, be THEIR emotional crutch. Thats not to see you can't open up (baring in mind all good relationships are built around communication), but those that are emotionally confident are ultimately more attractive.

 

Part of my BreakUp was I was too open, put her on a pedestal and let her lead the way on everything. This was so i could keep her happy, she'd always do what she wanted and therefore I'd be happy. But what sort of pressure is that to put on someone you care about, having their mood have such a baring on your own well-being.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the expectation goes both ways though. Many women who go through depression or illness or whatnot are dumped too because she relies on her man for support and his feelings change. I think women have to do their best to find inner strength and rely on people (including but not exclusive to their male partners).

 

Men can rely on themselves too but should also rely on friends as well as their female partners.

[Real Deal]

Yes ask, for sure. We are programmed to think that putting others ahead of ourselves is the only way to have successful relationships because not doing so is selfish. Total BS. Sure, it feels great to do things for someone you love and care about as long as we 'expect' nothing in return. This is not to say be a doormat and have no boundaries in a relationship because that is one of the crucial components. However, putting yourself and your desires in the number one spot shows that you respect yourself more (confidence) than anyone else. Sure, you may lose a lot of people this way and many will resent you, but this is just a manifestation of their own resentment towards themselves. Basically, if you are with a confident, secure and quality woman she will APPRECIATE the fact that you are independent and are willing to do for her from a place of desire and not because you feel the NEED to satisfy her (as if you are scared of losing her).

 

In the end this is actually manipulative and IMO it is much more destructive than being what many would call "selfish". If we do/say things, act a certain way or actually feel is if what we are doing is "something for them" vice a natural gesture, you end up resenting them when you feel like your love is not reciprocated. In the end this makes us come off as needy, which as we all know is a huge killer of attraction.

[askltk]

I think the expectation goes both ways though. Many women who go through depression or illness or whatnot are dumped too because she relies on her man for support and his feelings change. I think women have to do their best to find inner strength and rely on people (including but not exclusive to their male partners).

 

Men can rely on themselves too but should also rely on friends as well as their female partners.

 

Men tend to hide alot, and if they feel they can't talk to their partner, they usually have very few outlets inwhich to openly discuss what's going on. I think it's a pride thing - you don't want to be seen weak etc.. I'm only talking from my own experience, but I found it tough talking to friends about the break down of my relationship because I didn't want to face up to it. The Ex on the other hand told me how she confided in her best friends, how she cried for weeks before we made it official. Yet, she didn't ever want to talk to me (having given the opportunity on numerous occasions).

[Ms Darcy]

Men tend to hide alot, and if they feel they can't talk to their partner, they usually have very few outlets inwhich to openly discuss what's going on. I think it's a pride thing - you don't want to be seen weak etc.. I'm only talking from my own experience, but I found it tough talking to friends about the break down of my relationship because I didn't want to face up to it. The Ex on the other hand told me how she confided in her best friends, how she cried for weeks before we made it official. Yet, she didn't ever want to talk to me (having given the opportunity on numerous occasions).

 

I know man, I know. And it's sad and unfortunate. I'm not blaming men for that reality. I just notice that men who have safe emotional outlets in their male friends/family members are soooo much healthier emotionally and much better equipped for long-term relationships.

[CMS]

Men tend to hide alot, and if they feel they can't talk to their partner, they usually have very few outlets inwhich to openly discuss what's going on. I think it's a pride thing - you don't want to be seen weak etc.. I'm only talking from my own experience, but I found it tough talking to friends about the break down of my relationship because I didn't want to face up to it. The Ex on the other hand told me how she confided in her best friends, how she cried for weeks before we made it official. Yet, she didn't ever want to talk to me (having given the opportunity on numerous occasions).

 

Yeah that sounds like what happened to me too. Sometimes I wonder why she can talk about all those stuff with her friends but not with me, especially when it concerned us, maybe I did not create a "safe environment" for her to talk to me like what Al Turtle said. Still a shame though.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah that sounds like what happened to me too. Sometimes I wonder why she can talk about all those stuff with her friends but not with me, especially when it concerned us, maybe I did not create a "safe environment" for her to talk to me like what Al Turtle said. Still a shame though.

 

In part, both of you need a place to talk outside of the relationship. I said things about my past partner to vent, calmed down, and then talked reasonably to my partner. It's normal and healthy. If I had ever said to him the things I said about him, my previous relationships would not have lasted more than three weeks. When does wisely, venting is meant to help you process and let go of minor issues and figure out how to calmly discuss bigger ones. If she never talked to you, then that's a problem.

[CMS]

In part, both of you need a place to talk outside of the relationship. I said things about my past partner to vent, calmed down, and then talked reasonably to my partner. It's normal and healthy. If I had ever said to him the things I said about him, my previous relationships would not have lasted more than three weeks. When does wisely, venting is meant to help you process and let go of minor issues and figure out how to calmly discuss bigger ones. If she never talked to you, then that's a problem.

 

I see that, my point is that if she has so many problems with out relationship, why not talk to me and work on it? I never heard a peep until she told me she wanted to end it.

[sada88]

Hey Token,

 

Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

I see that, my point is that if she has so many problems with out relationship, why not talk to me and work on it? I never heard a peep until she told me she wanted to end it.

 

What were the problems?

[CMS]

What were the problems?

 

Beats me, she never told me, I have my theories but I am no longer interested in finding out what it is. I am moving on

[Ms Darcy]

Beats me, she never told me, I have my theories but I am no longer interested in finding out what it is. I am moving on

 

Good for you. Best thing to do. Yes, good and healthy women will share their issues.

[token09]

So, went away for the stag doo at the weekend there, and i had a pretty good time, but it also made me think more about her and our situation.

 

Speaking to girls wasnt a problem. For the first time since the break up, i openeded up completely on a night out. I realised i can do pretty well for myself in that respect. But at no point did i want to go any further than kissing a girl, despite being asked to. It just all felt so hollow and empty, and it lacked any feeling at all. I don't want that in my life right now.

 

Then on top of this, seeing people cheating on the partners when we were away really upset me. I questioned why they would want to ruin what they have with their partners for 1 night, and also why they could be so selfish. I have no doubt that they love their partners, but they still do whatever they want. It didnt seem fair.

 

I ended up texting her drunk and saying the above to her (not about me kissing other girls), and she replied saying she was happier now without all the stress of us, but she still wanted to meet up and see where things go. So i'm totally confused now because its like, if shes happy, then why does she want to risk that in any way whatsoever???