What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

I think that's it though ToF, right now i don't know what i want. If things with her and i are like they were last night, then 100% yes, i want to be with her. But there is no guarantee of that and i don't want to fall back into a rut of a situation again. My phone interview went quite well this afternoon, and the company would like me to go and visit them next month. In between now and then i am away every weekend at stag doos, tours away and conferences. There is no point in trying to force anything right now, i can't act on anything as i have no time. She knows at the end of it all i want to be back together with her, but only if we can work out the mess. If i get a chance to meet up with her over the next month then it will be a bonus. I fear if i give her an ultimatum the way things are right now, she will go back to being defensive and not open to talk. The feeling i got from last night is that if me and her get on and want to take things forward, this other guy wont be a problem. But again, it might be her just keeping back up incase we don't. At some point or another she will have to make a choice, but she knows i'm not going to be waiting around forever for that to happen and there is now a finite period of time.

 

We agreed last night that feelings towards each other weren't really an issue. it's whether we can function in a relationship. I told her that i had learnt alot about myself, and it would have a positive effect on my future relationships, whether with her or someone new. its up to her if shes part of that. i'd like her to be, definitely, but right now, i am comfortable with me and my direction and so if she decides not to be i think i will be ok at the end of it all. I will always love her, but sometimes love isnt enough.

[ToF]

Do you think it's wise to engage in these sorts of conversations with her whilst she has a boyfriend, though? I see you taking steps toward independence, but you guys ARE talking about reconciliation, however vague that may be. At the moment she is showing you that she is not willing to do much for this reconciliation. She won't even ditch the "backup" guy.. If that's what he is.

 

Would you agree that it may be better to retreat in this time of uncertainty and let her show you whether or not pursuing a reconciliation would be worthwhile?

[token09]

Well that is the question that i have in my head. and that is why i had wished i had asked about him, and this is why i'm not sure what to do about the whole situation.

 

For her and i, last night was a very small positive baby step in the right direction. But i don't know what to do next without knowing the situation with him. On one hand i could argue that i know she is confused and i know she isnt sure what she wants out of life, never mind a relationship, but on the other, she is being selfish and she should be put in a position where she can't be looking to see where we may or may not end up while still with him. I don't know what my next step is. stay off the radar, Low Contact, No Contact, profess my love for her everyday with a dozen roses? i really don't know.

[ToF]

Why not ask her about him now?

 

Otherwise, stay off the radar.

[token09]

But what happens if i ask her about him and it spoils any progress that was made last night?

[ToF]

Then that means any steps you've taken forward together were not real in the first place.

 

If you'd prefer to live in blissful ignorance, that's your right. Personally, I'd want to know the truth. How can you expect to move forward if you don't know exactly what situation you're dealing with?

[token09]

I agree. I really just don't want to push things right now. I know what the situation is, I know if we spend time together, which I'm still not even sure will happen, that will have to be dealt with.

 

Do you not think just now is a critical time and if I act all jealous and force her to do something she's not sure is the right thing to do, she will just go cold turkey? When things first started going egg shaped I put her under a lot of pressure and kept telling her to keep away from him.she kept telling me I was forcing her away, and I kept at it when we broke up, and she kept saying that I was pushing her towards him. So if I do it again now, will the same thing not happen? I'm not saying that things are going to work out happily ever after going down this path, but I want the best chance at making that happen??

 

I'm obviously bias, and in a blinkered place. I just see it as if we do spend time together, and she enjoys it like last night, they will come to an end anyway. I don't know, like I said, I'm bias. Chances are I wont see her for a while anyway, if at all.

[sfindependent]

i skimmed through this article and some of your experiences and thoughts are same as mine... (look my thread up, Real Deal and a bunch of different people have been giving me solid advice and as much as i strayed from their adviced path, its led me to somewhat of a healing and a clearer head. I'm still struggling but i think i'll be ok.

 

anyway, to put things in perspective... have you ever had a girl that liked YOU but you weren't into her at all? she'll call you, pester you, say sweet things that'll make you cringe, give you gifts that you'd feel obligated to receive or even reciprocate...

 

right now that woman is YOU. i'll be lying if i say i've not done some of these things, whcih i've done somewhat but i digress. keep in mind, put yourself in her shoes and think of a woman who's crazy about you but you're not. kinda weird right?

[token09]

Hi sfindependent

 

I totally don't want to be all over her anymore. The situation is one big mess. She knows it, and I know it. I'm not going to force anything anymore (the words of a sober man will always come back and haunt him when he's drunk).

 

Can I just say to all that have posted here for me,and in particular real deal and tof, thank you. I know you are probably banging your head off Walls hearing me go on, but I do feel I have seen in myself what I need to do for me, and although close bonds and relationships are important in life, your input has made me see it's not the be all and end all. I may still be talking about the same girl, but I don't feel like she controls who I am anymore. I don't feel guilty about thinking that anymore because I do love her and have done what I can for her, but it's her call and there is nothing I can do about that. If she catches me before I move on then great, but I am moving my life forward.

[ToF]

I don't mean to talk to her in a jealous way. Just ask her point-blank what her plans are with him. If she can't give you a straight answer then drop the subject, and that's your cue to take yourself out of the picture until there comes a point when she's ready to choose you. Of course, you may not want her at that point...

[token09]

I agree ToF. I called her last night and after a couple of minutes she said she was on her way out. I assumed she was away to see him and got really peed off about it and got really angry. But then she called me an hour later when i was away to bed just to chat. was a bit of a strange experience.

 

I've text her and asked if i can see her on sunday evening. I don't want to ask her on the phone and i don't want to ask her in a text. I don't have any time spare really after that until next month now and i hate being in limbo for that long. I have explained that to her in the message but no reply.

 

I have come to realise that i do love this girl, i always will, but i don't know anymore if we are meant to be together. I am going to be away for a long period of time over the next few months, whether i get a new job or in my current job as i am contracted to be away. So our timings dont seem to match up. It's killing me, but i am beginning to understand this, and i think thats what she is thinking too.

[ToF]

I think it might be best just to call her and have that talk over the phone. Trying to see her in person just gives both of you an excuse to put it off.

[token09]

I've text her and ask her about him.

[ToF]

Well, texting might not be the best way to go about that conversation either... But what's done is done I suppose. How did that turn out?

[token09]

I am yet to get a reply

[token09]

And now is when I want to keep text her and asking. What do I do now? She's still not replied? How do I get her to answer now? Have I just really annoyed her?

[ToF]

And now is when I want to keep text her and asking. What do I do now? She's still not replied? How do I get her to answer now? Have I just really annoyed her?

 

Please calm down.. This is why sending her a text about something like this is a very, very bad idea. You'll now be an anxious wreck waiting for a response.

 

Just call her.

[token09]

She called me yesterday, but I was in the car with my dad so couldn't really speak to her. I didn't get a spare 10 mins the rest of the day to call her back, (I had family up and was with them until the early hours). I did text her a couple of times, once sober to see how her day went and once when I got home drunk saying I didn't want to go back to the relationship we had and things would have to change if it were to work out. I didn't get a reply to any. Can't call her now as she's working and I not know start or end times (also why she said she couldn't meet me when she called though). If she's doing a long shift then she's not going to be in the best of moods after either, so I'm not really sure what to do now.

 

Is it fair to think that if she's not responding to texts that what she had to say on the phone wasn't going to be great news for me?do I try and call her this evening, or do I wait for her to call me?is it maybe she had the bottle to talk about him yesterday but might not today?I hate this state of limbo.

[Real Deal]

What SF posted a few days ago is true - you are PRESSING her!! Bad idea to ask her about the BF, whether through text, email, singing telegram or courier pigeon. People always think that "talking" about the relationship/future is the best way to resolve issues - IT's NOT!!

 

Any reciprocation that she gives you is because she feels OBLIGATED to do so because of the time you spent with her. This is not attractive at all. Again, you are conveying to her that you are weak and needy. Ask any woman on the face of the planet that is not a total nutbag (and many of them will agree too) what is the biggest turnoff and they will ALL say lack of confidence (neediness falls under lack of confidence).

 

You are operating from a scarcity mentality with this woman that she is the only one. I know you guys have time together but this is total BS. I don't care if she is the coolest woman ever and looks like Mila Kunis. You are conveying to her that she is the only girl that can make you happy. That coupled with the fact the you need any woman to be happy is sad. Whether this is true or not, this is how she is perceiving things right now.

 

Here's how it works - you are going to keep on doing the same things: calling, texting, showing interest (when she is banging some other dude) and she is going to move further and further away. In the end you will be hurt worse AND have ZERO self-respect. However, if you just back off (and I mean WAAAAY off) for just a few weeks you will notice a HUGE shift (in you....and in her but she is not your concern at this point).

 

How old are you anyway? Just curious...

 

Laters

[token09]

Hi real deal

 

I'm 27.

 

I don't think that I need her to make me happy. I know I need to make changes in other parts of my life to be happy, and I'm taking strides to make those changes. I have grown a lot through this experience, in a perverse way, I'm glad that it's happened so I could find something in myself. I just think that she would make me happier. Speaking with her the other day, from how she was talking, it was that it was situation rather than feelings that took us apart. Thts not something that is easy to walk away from.

[Real Deal]

My brother - that is a load of crap. While there may be a degree of truth that she still has "feelings" for you this is the obligation/familiarity thing. It is natural and does not make her a bad person (necessarily) for 'leading you on'. My ex wife did the same thing but in the end they only do this to feed their own ego (whether subconsciously or not). I have seen this play out the same 1000 times (and with my situation too). She is seeking the comfort that you provide her because she is accustomed to it. They almost ALWAYS do this unless there was serious abuse or habitual cheating on your part (something to make them super angry/bitter). The reasons they leave are seldom what they say and it is normally for selfish reasons, but we are ALL selfish by nature and should not be with someone we are no longer attracted to (sorry to put it that way but it happens).

 

Here is the deal - if you do all this "work" on yourself you will feel GREAT at some point and you WILL realize that your life is BETTER without her once you get clarity. You have not developed resentment for her yet and if you make it ALL ABOUT YOU from this point forward you can likely 'skip' that stage of the breakup. That's what I did and my life is wonderful now and I am in total control of my emotions and actions (with my ex and every other woman I meet). Not in a robotic or narcissistic way, but from a genuine point that I realize that *I* am responsible for my own happiness and that is a HUGE burden to place on another. I can love freely and openly and while I absolutely love women and everything about them, I do not NEED one to be completely fulfilled.

 

Once you move on and start dating and sleeping with other women there will be a MASSIVE attraction spike from her towards you. It may come off as her being angry and bitter all of the sudden but it shows her that you are not hung up on her. MORE importantly than this you are somewhat biologically addicted to her because she is the only woman you have had sex with for years (I assume). Now, I am not suggesting that you go out and start banging randoms for the sake of having sex or making your ex jealous. That is wrong and manipulative and will likely backfire. However, if you know that you can be with other women that you find attractive and have a good time with them you will feel a MAJOR shift internally.

 

However, focus on yourself right now and do the work that it sounds like you have already started on. Remember this - do AT LEAST one thing for yourself every day for the rest of your life. Workout, read, hang with friends...hell, go get a massage. The point is if you focus on what it is you want to do with your life you will break the mindset of "I just think that she would make me happier" with her and any other woman. There is nothing wrong with someone making you happy but you are operating from a place of lack vice abundance and that is the whole purpose of the mini-novel I wrote above.

 

You are young. Enjoy your life. You have many great days ahead of you!!

[token09]

You know what the stupid thing is? I believe that you are right. But then Im like 'i know this girl, she wouldn't do that to me.' but she has already cheated on me. Why would I be any different to anyone else. You are right.

 

I don't feel young. I want kids soon. I want that life. How long will it take to find the next girl I want to share my life with? How long will it take to find the girl I want to mother my children that ticks the boxes like she does?

[CMS]

No thats wrong thinking, it will happen when it happens, do not limit yourself to a self imposed deadline. Real Deal is right, he always has been, be happy on your own. You do not need women in your life to make you happy, you make yourself happy. Go and do things that make you happy (working out makes me happy)

[Real Deal]

How long will it take to find the girl I want to mother my children that ticks the boxes like she does?

 

She checks the boxes with cheating? Dude, take her off that damn pedestal you have her on. Don't worry, I was the same way in a sense with the ex-wife, and while there was no cheating (that I know of, lol) we tend to view some women in this way when not warranted. Even if a woman is great in most every sense you should NEVER have higher value on her than you do yourself - which in your case with her it sounds as if you do. How we talk about these things is VERY important and is often a direct reflection of how we perceive them internally. Not to get all touchy-feely on this crap but you have some confidence issues (we all take a hit in that area after a breakup so no worries).

 

You need to focus on your passions it sounds like. If you don't know what your passion/purpose is in life figure it out and do it quickly. Ask yourself this - If you could be doing ANYTHING you want to in five years from now as far your career, hobbies, where you live, etc. - what would those things be? Set aside one day and make a list of all the things you want to do/accomplish before you die (no, not a bucket list). However, this can include anything from Money goals to travel to sleeping with a different woman in 50 countries if that is what makes you tick. If you get to 100 your a good man (on the list, not women you sleep with...haha). Now, go down that list and pick 5 that are pretty 'easy kills' that you can do or accomplish in the next year or so.

 

I know, this sounds all Dr. Phil or some crap like that but just do it. You'll be surprised how far off you are from actually living your life on YOUR terms. Make sense?

 

As for the "right woman" and kid thing. Slow down there bro. Again, your words convey that you are coming from a place of LACK. Lack will get you more of the same - as will having an abundance mentaility. There are 3.2 BILLION women on this planet. I will bet you have only dated/had relationships with less than 20 of them. Think about that for a second. Swifty is spot on BTW. Think about this - The men that get along the great with women are the ones that can get along great without them. If you adopt this mindset you will attract more women than you know what to do with. They will want to be a part of YOUR scene and you will be able to choose who you want to bring along for the ride.

[askltk]

Gold as ever.