What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[askltk]

It's a lesson that took me a long time to realise. You want to believe that you know her better than she knows herself, and that those on the outside are wrong and "just dont "get it". I've been there - friends, family, ENA etc, asking what's happening - and in my head i was doing all the right things.

 

The reality is, although all relationships are different, the behaviour's after a BU tend to be similar.

[CMS]

It's a lesson that took me a long time to realise. You want to believe that you know her better than she knows herself, and that those on the outside are wrong and "just dont "get it". I've been there - friends, family, ENA etc, asking what's happening - and in my head i was doing all the right things.

 

The reality is, although all relationships are different, the behaviour's after a BU tend to be similar.

 

Well done brother, seems you have found yourself at last. Keep up the good work.

 

Token, when I preach find and live your reality, part of that reality also means knowing full well that your life goes on perfectly fine without her as part of it, and its her loss to not be part of it, but also see it as an opening that someone else wants a piece of your life. When you start developing that line of thinking, you will notice your confidence will start creeping back, you will walk with your back a little straighter and your head held a little higher and you will have a bit more swagger. Give the new girl a chance, let go and have fun and see where life is going to lead you.

[token09]

I'm just going to go with the flow from now on.

 

I was very impressed with one of my friends the last few days. He has previously been through a tricky break up, and broke up with a girl a couple of weeks ago because he was studying and they weren't spending enough time together. He then told me that he did love her, and last night he told me that he had called her and told her where he was at. he said, thats it, im not calling you and chasing you, i love you and if you want me, you have to get in touch now, and he's left it at that. He has said there is no way he will contact her, and if she doesnt contact him, thats her loss and he'll move on. It's great hearing stories on here about what you should do, but when you see someone actually doing it, it does give you a different perspective.

 

The ball is in her court, she knows where she can find me, and in the mean time i'll get on with moving on.

[ToF]

Good. Delete any means you have of contacting her, to prove to yourself that you are committed to this new step in your life.

[token09]

All very well saying I'll delete it all, but I know numbers etc off by heart. Can't delete my brain sadly.

[dramallama]

All very well saying I'll delete it all, but I know numbers etc off by heart. Can't delete my brain sadly.

Don't use her number and you will forget it eventually.

[ToF]

Right. It's fine that you remember it all, but deleting them and making a contract with yourself that you are DONE contacting her would be a good way to close this chapter of your life and move on to a new one.

 

I'm not saying she's gone forever; just for right now.

[token09]

Is she just playing with me? The other girl started speaking about starting a relationship properl this morning, I told her I simply couldn't, mainly because of the ex.

 

But is the ex just trying to keep me interested so she doesn't lose me? I'm so confused again. I just want to disappear. All the fun and excitement of last month is now gone and been replaced by the boring reality of my life again, and I'm back to missing her like nothing else.

[ToF]

Whether she's doing it intentionally or not, the answer is: Yes. She is keeping you interested so she doesn't lose you.

 

Fact is, she's with someone else. She's pushing harder to keep you around because she sees you with someone else (sidenote: this other girl you're seeing probably doesn't deserve to be tied up in this mess, so for her benefit and yours I would end that relationship until you're more healed). So she (the ex) knows you are closer to leaving.

 

Problem is, you've proven to her that, even when you're starting to move on, you can be effortlessly reeled back in again. So. Cut ties with her until she really, truly, actually shows you some concrete steps toward reconciliation. If that ever happens, that is. Your problem is that you've been accepting breadcrumbs, whether you are willing to admit it or not. The proof is in the pudding: Look where you're at with her now. Not back together.

 

Leave. Make it permanent, or at least permanent for now.

[token09]

I've told the new girl that I can't commit to her (and her son) but she has been flirting on the texts again today and I'm not sure if she totally gets it. I've only known her a few weeks and she's telling me that she was close to telling me that she loves me when we are on the phone because she feels that comfortable. That really put me back.

 

I am accepting breadcrumbs. But I can't get over how emotional she was the other night with me. It would be ok if we could spend time with each other as in being around the corner, I think we would go somewhere. But the fact that we will only see each other a couple of time a month means that I don't know where it will go, if anywhere. So how do I keep on the radar but still not be chasing? Is that even possible? I'm fully behind what you are sayin ToF. I'm just so messed up in the head again.

[quartz]

Hello token,

I've been lurking in these forums since my own breakup (around end of may i think) but reading your thread was interesting so maybe it's time i do my first post.

Like yourself, my situation has been without closure (we're still in touch and loving each other) and with many ups and downs.

 

First of all I think it might actually be better that you're not living around the corner from each other, especially since there is another guy involved.

I think answering her calls is a good idea, since you want her back. However, sometimes being really open about your feelings can turn her away since she gets the emotional reassurance of you being there for her.

It's really difficult to strategise though, since again, your happiness is dependant on her, and that leads to more ups and downs. There have been times when me getting her back looked really simple, but those ups always ended up in downs as I'm really insecure at the moment and things looking well made me worry that I could lose that optimism.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer anything solid, as I'm in a haze myself, but trying to feel content, with or without her seem like the only way to go.

[token09]

Hi quartz

 

I don't think there would be another guy involved if we lived close by. I agree with being open about feelings, but when we speak and laugh etc, I don't want her thinking we can fall into bing 'friends', although when we have met we have both shown we can't keep our hands off each other, not in a raw animal way, but in a romantic sense.

 

I just want to I've it another go with her now because I think we are better people now and better for each other, whereas before, the connecion we shared was often all that kept us together. I think we hsvena lot more now and appreciate each other more because of this time apart and seeing that bing with other people is no better, and there isn't the same connection. There is just a huge fear in her, and me to a smaller extent, of it all failing again. This isnt me guessin, this is what he has saupid herself as well.

 

SO no, not easy to strategise.

 

I amnt as insecure anymore, I know I am attractive to women now. I've learnt a lot from what's around me. I would suggest that you use this opportunity to do the same quartz. Even if it doesn't get her back, it will make you a better person.

[ToF]

As for the other girl, I would tell her firmly, but nicely that you don't want to date her anymore. It's apparent that you're not as into her as she's into you, plus you have all these mixed feelings about your ex-girlfriend. It's just messy, and I think it might be beneficial to just be single right now, you know?

 

I think a problem you're having is that you're trying to be in two places simultaneously. And by that I mean that you're trying to be "on her radar" but not "chase" her. Think about that logically for a second ... Do you see how that's contradictory? Any contact you make right now (and for a while) is indeed going to be chasing. You can't have it both ways, which is why NC is most likely your best option. Now, if you leave the picture indefinitely and she starts chasing after you, then you've achieved your goal AND you've preserved your dignity. Yay!

 

You're better than this, man. Just walk away. Know that you will be okay.

[token09]

What i get from the other girl is the stimulation of having someone there. It's not fair on her.

 

Yeah, i know what you mean about being in 2 places at the same time. What happens with the contact she makes with me though? As i saidm she has been inclined to make phonecalls etc, particularly since meeting her last week?

 

I'm also not so sure about NC anymore. The way i understand it, NC is to help you move on without the expectation of getting your ex back. The way we have both been speaking, it doesnt seem 100% unrealistic that we could get to a better place (although im not being blinkered and i do realise that there is no reason why this should be any different from anyone elses situation and know that it will probably end in failure). I just dont want to be playing games and want to be straight up with her, although i feel she isnt doung that with me.

[token09]

i thought i was doing well, but i've really hit a wall again and feel like im back at square 1 and just totally depressed again.

[Unknownxl]

You really need to go no contact until she comes to you. Then go LC. Believe me she will wonder what happened to you when you stop talking to her. So during that time of no contact truly work on yourself. Do things that make you happy and realize the problems with you. When she contacts you, you can feel her out and see if you want to try and work on things. But at that point you may not want her anymore.

 

I did this several years back when a girl dumped me out of the blue. I was extremely upset and went home crying my heart out. Luckily I managed to muster the strength to delete her number and I kept myself busy by drawing and with school. Fastest I ever got over a girl, but still dont know how I managed to do it. Maybe 3 weeks later she gave me a call and I was already a changed man. I had decided im not going to let a women string me along and I was going to be happy. She could definitely tell in my voice and by how I acted. (the best part was that I wasnt faking) She invited me over and I kind of blew her off for a day or two until she caught me during a moment when I really had nothing going on. So I went over there and it didnt take long for us to start making out and I had the opportunity to have sex with her. (something I hadnt done before regardless of us dating) She wanted me bad. But you know what happened? I decided I didnt want her and declined on the chance. Needless to say she was very confused. I left and she continued to try and call for a few months (decreasing more and more as time went). To this day she will try and contact me out of the blue but I know I no longer want her. And to be honest that is one of the best feelings in the world. To walk away from a girl who broke your heart and truly feel no pain from it.

[token09]

I'm just really angry with everything today, i've not been this low for a good few weeks. And i'm also now thinking its because i didnt go out at the weekend, and havent had a drink this weekend. This scares me slightly. Do i need to be out on the drink every weekend, binge drinking, to have a chance of getting over this girl? I spent the weekend doing normal stuff like tudying the house and shopping, which had been neglected for a long time now. I am really down again.

[Unknownxl]

I do not suggest drinking as in my past experience it makes the pain 10x worse. Sure at first you feel good and have fun and even forget about it, but I always ended the night in a massively drunken state crying my eyes out to my friends. Feeling utterly helpless. It was pretty embarrassing because before that I was considered a "tough guy". Shortly after I would always pass out. Wake up in the morning feeling like complete * * * * . Not to mention I put on a lot of weight from the beer. I suggest hanging out with friends and family but dont go crazy on drinking. It is only offering a momentary fix to something that should be healed naturally.

[Real Deal]

I do not suggest drinking as in my past experience it makes the pain 10x worse. Sure at first you feel good and have fun and even forget about it, but I always ended the night in a massively drunken state crying my eyes out to my friends. Feeling utterly helpless. It was pretty embarrassing because before that I was considered a "tough guy". Shortly after I would always pass out. Wake up in the morning feeling like complete * * * * . Not to mention I put on a lot of weight from the beer. I suggest hanging out with friends and family but dont go crazy on drinking. It is only offering a momentary fix to something that should be healed naturally.

 

Agree with this. I have NEVER seen anyone improve their situation from a breakup by drinking excessively (mine included). Going out for drinks with friends is cool but just have other things that occupy your time as well. Man, you are really hung up on this chick. Seriously, it's just a girl, God makes new ones every day and there are 3 billion plus on the planet already. I am not suggesting that you see this new girl or any others in the hopes of getting "over" your ex, but NO WOMAN (or man for the ladies) is worth this much pain a grief. TRUST ME.

[token09]

Real deal, I completely agree with you, but my problem is I can't seem to snap out of it. People probably think I'm just being an idiot, but I have tried and I am trying. At the same time, I'm all over the place. I've had a really bad week so far and it just makes things so much worse. I'm back to not sleeping properly. I really wish this other girl hadn't started taking relationships with me because I was enjoying speaking to her, and just getting along with her, but now I just want to run 100 miles because it's far too much to take on. I can't just chill. Like i want to text this girl just now to give her some chat and have some fun, but now it's like, she'll be taking things as me being happy getting into things with her.

 

I'm back to being angry all the time. I know things would be different with the ex now, as does she,(for the better? We don't know) but she says she finds it difficult to take it on again when for a long time it was only our connection that held us together, even when things were really cack, and it took a lot for her to step away from that.

 

I'm lost again. I want to be 6 months down the road and know what's going on in life. I want to be able to concentrate at work. I don't need the ex anymore, but right now I still really want her, and partly because the way she is speaking, and sounds like us isn't as bad an idea as it was 3months ago.

[wicked6018]

if she is seeing someone else, i don't think she really cares about you, sorry. and you sound like way too good of a guy to have to deal with this kind of pain. you can't wait around for her forever, so don't.

[token09]

Ok...spoke to her this evening. She has been away for a few days and I asked if she had had time to think about things. She said yeah, and stopped at that. I asked if she was going to tell me what she was thinking and she said no (I was laughing at this point as was she) but she then said not right now no, and that she would speak to me tomorrow. First I'm like this is maybe good, she would have said to me there and then if it wasn't. But now I'm thinking more negative. She would have told me if she was wanting to make something of it there and then. she was tired and wanted to get to sleep early for first day back at work tomorrow. So it's likely she simply didn't want to get into a big conversation about it now, and wants to explain to me why not when it suits her.

 

Why do I even bother getting my hopes up? Why wouldn't be any different now? I'm kicking myself for being in this position still, and in bracing myself for another all mighty boot to the balls. Feel like such an idiot. And stupidly I'm still waiting for her to confirm it, just in case. And I'll be all the way back at square one all over again. I hate myself, such a * * * * * .

[askltk]

Firstly - don't beat yourself up too much, we've all made mistakes. It's moving on from them that counts.

 

You've said it yourself in your last paragraph, why are you waiting around for her? If she wanted to be with you - she would be. She should be wanting to share this with you as soon as possible. All she's doing is delaying - leaving you hanging around. I'd almost go as far as saying it to her - it's not a difficult decision if you wanted to be with someone. It shouldn't take much thought.

[token09]

I forced it out of her in a text this morning, and as expected its not good. I am back to square one again, the emotions, the tears, the anger. I fee so low.

[Real Deal]

token - I KNOW you don't want to hear this but you MUST get a grip on yourself and the situation. I mean seriously - since you are so stuck inside your head with this think about this long and hard - IT IS JUST A GIRL - another person and what she says, does, the way she acts or how she feels about you (or doesn't) you are letting it determine YOUR emotional state. Relationships and breakups are so EASY to deal with but we CHOOSE to make them complex and painful. You are addicted to the pain and your fear of loss (of her) is manifesting right in front of you. Think about this - if you never talk to her/see her again will it kill you? NO!!! Yes, it will hurt and this is normal but you gotta get a grip man. I'm trying to use the kids gloves here and it is hard. No one is worth this much grief - no one!!!! I know it hurts and it sucks and you feel lonely, betrayed, etc. Those feelings are not real though.

 

You gotta man up her and stop contacting her. Seriously!! It took me the better part of a year to get over my ex wife and I know what you are feeling, as the first few months were rough. However, you WILL look back on this and wonder why you ever acted/felt this way. The more you prolong this the more you will be disgusted with yourself.