What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

Really down today. I have been texting her again, but she sounds as depressed as I am.

 

Feeling really run down, tried to do something different....I went food shopping! That was interesting, I now have 72 weatabix, beans that come in a screw top jar and loads of Capri sun. That may be the last time I go shopping for a while!

 

Feeling really lonely all the time, even when I'm surrounded by people.

[Real Deal]

Dude, what goes through your mind before you text her? You are basing your entire state off of her and her reactions, responses or lack of. I KNOW its hard but you have to reach down, grab your junk and accept that it is over. Until you do that you will NEVER get better and you will certainly not get her back. Her seeing/hearing you like this is a HUGE turnoff for her. It respulses her that she was ever attracted to you even and then you could act like this. I know, it's harsh but it's true. I know this because I was similar for a bit when I got divorced (although I had more self-control).

 

NOTHING changed in my BU until I took control over ME. Only YOU can do that! I PROMISE you will feel so much better when you do. The feelings you are having are all in your head. They are not real!!

 

Some really smart person on here said something that I love and that I use all the time now. It applies to ex's, random chicks you meet that you might be interested in or whatever. If a girl acts silly, dumps you, treats you bad or whatever remember one thing - IT'S ONLY A GIRL.

 

I know, I know, you guys were perfect for each other/soulmates/love of your life, blah, blah, blah. Nonsense and total BS. Sure, you love and miss her - got it. However, there are 3.2 Billion (with a B) women on this planet and you are allowing one and one alone to control how you feel about YOURSELF right now. Please explain the logic in that.

 

Think about it like this. Everytime you contact her from here forward/respond to her attempts is a one point deduction for a chance out of 10 that you have of getting back with her. Sounds silly, right? Just try it. You WILL feel a shift internally very soon. Two steps forward one back brother (or none back if you man up)!

[token09]

The stupid thing is, I wouldn't even take her back right now. So my head really is just all over the place. I 100% agree with your sentiments. I don't know now if I'm just craving affection. I'm not sure if I'm just in love with the notion of being in a relationship or what, but I so feel totally lost.

 

I will take on your 10 point challenge....got to be more fun than this right now.

[FloydPinkerton]

I can vouch for this -- although personally I believe that the main point of stopping contact is really to allow yourself to heal. And let me tell you, it can be a long, arduous process but the longer that you go without contact the easier it does get. Likewise, you will gain a little more inner strength by the day and at some point down the road you will be able to look back and be proud of your accomplishment in avoiding contact with her. Sure, it will probably help your chances to get her back if that is indeed your end-game, but to be blunt in my experience it's pretty unlikely that she will come back no matter what you do. So, at the least the implementing no contact should primarily be about helping yourself.

 

It really works. I went through my own soul-crushing break up in February. I remember feeling exactly how you do.. not sure if you want her back; not sure if you miss being in love with HER or just being in love; feeling totally lost. Oh man do I remember it. Did 2 weeks of begging/pleading immediately after the break-up in which we talked twice a week or so, then I just fell off the face of the earth simply for my own pride and dignity, not even caring how it would potentially affect the dynamic between me and the ex. It was extremely difficult at first, I won't lie, but seriously.. now, three months later, I am so much closer to being 100% healed than I ever could have imagined. And the major factor in it was stopping contact. That, along with finding new ways to occupy your time, is what will aid you the most. Sorry to hear you are going through this, but the good people here such as RealDeal are providing you with sound advice and it is most certainly in your best interests to follow it. Best of luck to you moving forward.

[token09]

Had a bit of time out from here yesterday, which is a good thing sometimes as well i think.

 

Real Deal, -2 from my 10, we exchanged messages yesterday morning. I have to admit, i am looking forward to the next 6 weeks when i have a lot going on, with parties, weddings, stag doos and amsterdam, so my chin is a bit higher today. I'm a bit worried about what happens after the next 6 weeks if i sit down and she is still in my head, because then i will worry that i will never get over her. The one thing that is spurring me on is this,

 

"there are 3.2 Billion (with a B) women on this planet and you are allowing one and one alone to control how you feel about YOURSELF right now"

 

That's a powerful quote, i have to go out and try to meet new people, not just in my city, where you know all the same people and faces all the time, but away from here.

 

The other thing that has chilled me out.....Jimi Hendrix! On the big speakers, volume right up, sit back and listen! Just unbelievable.

[LetLifeFlow]

This was a good thread that may relate to your situation:

The Real Dumpers Guide

 

I hope some humor will help your situation.

[token09]

lol....it's funny because it's true!

[token09]

OK, The Real Dumpers Guide made me laugh, and by reading some of the comments it clearly cheers people up - so i am thinking laughter helps getting through this. I would like to use my thread to maybe cheer a few more people up and at least laugh about life a bit.

 

So.....feel free to post humerous videos/jokes/pics on here (lets keep it clean though people!) Can be about relationships/partners or just purely random funnies.

 

I'm going to start with this, made me (and my office) laugh out loud. Sure those accross the pond will most likely have seen it before, but well worth another watch just for fun!

 

 

[token09]

Hello all

 

This weekend wasn't so bad, but i did lose another 2 points after we exchanged texts and then she called me yesterday.

 

We have agreed to meet up this halfway between us somewhere. My intentions are obviously clear, i want to discuss the relationship and discuss moving etc and actually understand if we have anything left to salvage going forward. she knows this, and that I'm not looking instant reconciliation. But i don't know what her intentions are since she originally suggested it. I don't see the point in meeting me to tell me to leave her alone, I think we are well beyond that stage now. but i also amn't sitting here thinking everything is going to end happily every after, so i'm not (actively) thinking about it as the solution to all our problems.

 

How do i approach this? I am at a better place in my life than i was, but i still obviously miss her. I dont want to get back into a relationship with her, but i do want to see if there is a chance of us sorting things and maybe moving away together if other things work out. I don't know if i can forgive her for hurting me, and i don't want to be 'friends' (we both know that isn't an option). So what do i do. treat it as a one off? try and talk about stuff? not bother going at all? i don't know. We've spoken a couple of times about meeting and the last couple of times i said there is no point, but we keep coming back to this, so should i just do it and go with the flow??

[ToF]

I think it's unwise to meet with her without knowing what her intentions are first.

[token09]

Like i said, we had been talking about us both moving away the last week or so, whether its together or on our own. But i don't even know how to ask her what her intentions are?? What if she doesnt know what her intentions are?

[token09]

So, not spoken to her since Sunday now. I suppose if we are going to meet i need to text her tonight and at least ask when and where. But i amn't 100% sure that i do want to meet her. Saw that people who i have met through her had added her new fella on facebook last night, so they have obviously spent time together, which i knew before i think, but this hit me hard as it made it all the more real. But i'm even more confused now about what her intentions are of meeting. Do i stand to gain anything out of this? Why is she meeting me if she is happy with him? Is it that she knows she has him there if the conversation doesnt go the way that she wants? So confused. I would like to have a conversation with her, speak to her about moving away properly (i have today received an email from a company in London who are interested in speaking further with me which is pretty cool) and just leave it with her and say that we should speak again in a couple of weeks time. but how can i do that while she's with him? Do i have to try the world cup pass and put everything into one basket and see tomorrow as my last chance to get her back? I really don't see that as what i want to do, but what if there are no other chances. I'd rather let her speak and see where she is at, because she knows where i am.

 

I spoke to my councilor today as well (there was a strong smell of pot in the area this week, what the hell?!) and she made me realise that quite simply i was bored with life and the ex was my excitement, going to see her, looking forward to our time together after several weeks apart. So i definitely was too dependent on the relationship. but now i know that, and want to change that for me, i still look inside me and ask if i was in love with her or if i was in love with the relationship. At first i thought that it was just the relationship, but when you look back at everything, i realise that it is her.

 

If nothing else, i will come out of this all as a better person who knows myself better. We needed to break up for me to see this as she blocked out how boring my life actually was. But i think i want to grow further and experience new things with her, as she does bring out the best of me. She had said a lot of this for a long time, and i just ignored her or didnt want to speak about it. so that is my biggest mistake in this relationship, and whether with her, or with someone else, i can't let it happen again.

 

Anyway, what should i do about tomorrow!?

[Real Deal]

Okay, go back and read that article I posted AGAIN. Why do you think she wants to meet up? She is curious about what you are up to and basically just wants to know that you still want her but she does not want you (YET). This is waaaaaay too soon man. I am not talking about playing games either, although it will seem like it. YOU need total space from her for YOU. You are too worried about what she thinks/feels/wants.....moreso than what you NEED. Despite what you think you do not NEED her. Make sense?

 

How attractive is it that what another person wants or thinks of us is of higher value to us than what we NEED. Until you lay down NC with her you will continue to lose power (over yourself).

[CMS]

Listen to real deal, he is the man. I think its way too soon and I guarantee you would not like the outcome of that meeting. Take control of yourself, be happy and content by yourself, do not base your happiness on her.

[askltk]

Agree - Real speaks sense.

[token09]

Hi Real Deal

 

I read the article again. I still 100% agree with it. The thing is, she knows what i am up to, she knows what i am planning and so she doesnt need to meet me to establish that. That's what kind of intrigues me about this all.

 

Then there is this:

When either one of you reinitiates contact after a certain period of separation, the woman is going to be curious at this point. She’s going to ask you questions and talk to you in a way to investigate whether you’re feeling lost. Virtually a hundred percent of women do it. The way it is structured is that she will say something to find out how you feel. You need to respond to her investigation for feeling lost by conveying that you are an upbeat and happy guy. Show that you are cool and centered in your reality.

 

This sentence sits well with me. I am happy with me again, i have found a direction in life, i have found a way of getting out of the rut i was in (and rut i was probably heading towards with her) and i'm actually excited about what lays ahead. With or without her. If the jobs don't work out, and i end up stuck in this hole for another year, then i will find it really hard to motivate myself and i will miss her like hell, i have no doubt about that either. But i am excited about life, i'm excited about where it leads and i'm excited about meeting new people. She/we have a chance to sort stuff out before i do this, and she has to decide whether she is happy here, with him and see where life takes her like that, or if she sees enough in us that a fresh start can make the difference. But at the end of the day, i can do it with or without her and be quite happy about it either way. both have pros and cons, and i'm not even sure where i stand on the whole thing, i dont even know if i could make it work after what she has put me through. But without the breakup, i would never have looked at myself like i am and i would never have realised i wasn't actually happy in life and needed change. I wouldnt turn around tomorrow and move away with her, i'm wanting to know if we could work before we make any major decisions, but at the end of the day, if things with work pan out, in 2/3months time, i may be in a new place and then it becomes near impossible for us to sort stuff out because by then i dont want to be looking back.

 

I'm still not sure if i'm going to meet her. I know i am probably not going to make any headway, and i know i will come away frustrated and most likely hurting. But if i dont go, as others have said to me, will i get the opportunity again, and if i dont, will i regret it in the months/years to come? I really don't know and my head is pretty messed up.

[token09]

I'd like to apologise as well. I feel like i'm coming accross (and probably am being) very stubborn. My head is just mince though and i'm pretty lost as to what to do. I am really looking forward to seeing her, but im also very scared about the consequences. i think there is some false hope, but i also don't know how i feel about this girl anymore, although, deep down, im pretty sure i still love her. I dont plan to beg and plead, but she knows how i feel and she knows im not doing it to be her friend.

 

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

[LoveHurts89]

If you go tonight, good luck honey. Text me and let me know how it goes xx Maria xx

[Real Deal]

Brother, take this as you will but you are in denial.

[token09]

Thanks Maria, still trying to decide, and i have to soon to tell her where to meet as well. I don't even know if we're meant to be eating together. I don't know anything.

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean by in denial Real Deal? Do mean about my attitude towards the move? If so, i genuinely believe that there will be enough distractions that help me get over her if i do move away and she isn't with me, and i am genuinely excited about the opportunities that have come up the last few days in terms of jobs. I was told 2 years ago that this is something that i should be looking to do by work colleagues on another project, but i decided to go down another route as it was a safer option closer to home, especially with the economy how it was going. Now the timing is right to look at this again, and I now also have a lot more support (and a place to live!) down there as well now. I get to fullfill a playing ambition to play for a team that i have wanted to for many years (we used to get taken to their clubhouse when we were kids to play pool with my uncle and his friends when we went to visit) but didnt think it was going to be possible, and i get to do it at a time when physically i'm feeling better than i have in years and i will be able to perform at my highest potential. Socially i get to meet new people and i would get a new direction in work as well that will motivate me and drive me forward.

 

I doubt i will ever forget about her. For me, she will always be the one. But as you have said, there are x billion women in this world, so there must be another match out there somewhere for me. I'm not going to find her where i am, so i need to get away and start fresh somewhere else. and IF we are able to sort stuff out, and she wants to join me, then great, there wont be so many variables. It will be hard, but i do reckon i will be able to move on easier if i do have to move without her as well because of all the other things that i would get from life, and all the other exciting things that could happen.

[Real Deal]

I don't understand what there is to sort out? She is with another guy, right? She broker up with you, right? Sounds like she is happy now and if she wasn't and it was worth anything to her at this point she would come back. I think you read the article but did not HEAR what it is saying. In her mind you have not moved on. She broke up with you for another guy and you are still willing to accept whatever crumbs she throws your way (i.e. "friendship").

 

Since you are willing to "sort things out" she views you as weak and having no self-respect. Whether this is true or not does not matter right now because that is what you are conveying to her. I have read ZERO evidence in this entrire thread to prove what I just stated as being incorrect. At the end of the day a women will NEVER leave a man that she is deeply attracted to, espcially for another guy. This is a harsh reality that all men likely face at one time in their lives or another. To some men it happens only once, to others repeatedly. Regardless, the cause is almost always the same - lack of self-respect and allowing your boundaries to be compromised.

 

Take it as you will my friend but these are the facts.

[token09]

So.....i made the call last night, sucked it up and eventually went to go and see her.

 

I think it was the right thing to do, I don't think i'm any further back than i was before, although i'm not entirely sure we are any further forward.

 

It was nice to speak, after everything that had happened over the phone and in texts, without any anger, raised voices or trying to play any games. I was clear and made my feelings about everything known. I told her that i wasn't there to be her friend, i was there to share stories and stuff, but i also wasn't there to fix everything tonight and i didn't want to get back together with her right now. She asked what it was that i wanted then, coz if anything then we had to start somewhere, and i said i just wanted to spend more time with her, and see where things go. I didnt want to put a label on anything and i didnt want to say everything was going to be just fine. She walked away then and cried in the toilet for a bit then came back.

 

I let her know that the BU is what i probably needed and it has given me new purpose in life, but i still think that she has a part to play in it all. She said that she needs to figure out what she wants in life first. She also kept saying that it was the situation that drove her to making the break and not the feelings, and that she didnt know where we were going. I always knew that, but i actually understood that last night.

 

We left it as we will spend time with each other and see what happens. I walked her to her car, gave her a hug and kissed her forehead. None of us could let go. She just turned her back and went away in tears.

 

I didnt ask about the other guy, and she didnt bring him up either. It does annoy me that i didnt, it was like the elephant in the room.

 

But in the grand scheme of things, i think i did gain some respect back and some control over the situation. I didnt hide the fact that i missed her and still loved her (I never once told her that i loved her though) and either did she. I think we know we are in a big mess and its whether we have the ability to get through it together. But i'm leaving the ball in her court, going to keep it Low Contact but go forward with living my life. Yes, she is still in my mind and in my heart, but i'm more comfortable with the situation now, and if there is any chance for us i have to make sure i don't force things.

 

I will always love her, but at least i know that the feelings aren't one way. and it's now just a case of if other things work out for us. I cant do that on my own, and maybe even if we do both try our hardest, it might not go anywhere because of the past. But at least we will always have our memories together.

[ToF]

if there is any chance for us i have to make sure i don't force things.

 

If there is any chance for you, she has to break up with her boyfriend...

[token09]

If there is any chance for you, she has to break up with her boyfriend...

 

Yep, that's a gimme. But i do think she is just holding on to him as backup right now not wanting to be alone etc etc etc. And thats why i've said that us being back together is an end goal because i dont know if all of that kind of stuff can be dealt with in reality, and thats why im unsure about us being together.

[ToF]

Yep, that's a gimme. But i do think she is just holding on to him as backup right now not wanting to be alone etc etc etc. And thats why i've said that us being back together is an end goal because i dont know if all of that kind of stuff can be dealt with in reality, and thats why im unsure about us being together.

 

I hink you're being very wishy-washy about this whole thing, which in my experience gets you nowhere. Form a clear idea of what you want, decide exactly what needs to happen in order to achieve it, then communicate that to her. Being so vague and "we'll see what happens..." about it will give her zero incentive to leave her boyfriend.

 

Remember.. As of right now, she's still choosing him over you.