What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

I no longer believe its just her though real deal. i got a chance to re-evaluate life the last couple of months, and i really amn't happy with any of it. I don't like my work, i don't like my location, i don't like anything about it. friends are all loved up, so its difficult to convince them to do much. money is tight, so can't just disappear. its not a great place to be right now in my head.

[askltk]

I no longer believe its just her though real deal. i got a chance to re-evaluate life the last couple of months, and i really amn't happy with any of it. I don't like my work, i don't like my location, i don't like anything about it. friends are all loved up, so its difficult to convince them to do much. money is tight, so can't just disappear. its not a great place to be right now in my head.

 

You "forced" it out of her - thing's like this should be as natural as they come. But you know now - let it go.Use this time to really evaluate yourself.

 

Real is right - no1 should have this much control over your own feelings. You are so wrapped up in her that your dwelling and over-thinking everything. Man up - healing n all starts from now. Shes made her decision - don't waste any more of your life on her. Now's the time to get straight, there a plenty of others out there. It may not feel like it now (I'm in a somewhat similar thinking atm), but it'll happen when you least expect it.

[oscarthaslouch]

Token09, I'm sorry you're still here wondering.

 

When I wrote my first response on 06/16...I was hoping that day you would get the message from her that she doesn't want to be with you and go NC to a) Heal your self b) Let her miss you

 

Imagine the past month if you've had no contact and been able to heal. You would be much better than in this limbo state. I'm not coming at you but I want you to stop hurting man; most people at ENA want each other to be happy.

 

Think about it, she might be confused, have feelings for you but that does not directly equal to her being with you. Could she be with you again in the future??? Sure, but from what I've learned by reading many posts, is that this isn't feasible w/o 6-12 months (at least) apart.

 

I went NC the last time I spoke to her 6 weeks ago and man it sucks from time to time, it kills wondering what they're upto and not really knowing because they don't want you in their life. BUT LOOK, I'm 20X times stronger than I was when I was bargaining/pleading. I am, I've made strides in myself, lost weight, gone out, visited friends, caught up with old ones, met new girls (which helps take your mind off the ex). I'm going to a different continent for 9 days in a couple weeks...Think all the good that doing similar things could do for you.

 

If money is tight and your friends are in relationships then yes it sucks to be where you are at. I totally feel you. Then you must realize that due to the circumstances, you need to find that inner strength to move on from her and if you have to do it without a lot of funds then find some way to make it work.

 

I know exactly where you are at brother, and I was there for 2 weeks which I look back upon now and totally view differently as I'm not that weak person still pining for her wondering if she is confused (which they aren't really because when they decide to breakup they know the consequences and how much pain it will cause).

 

Don't do it any longer. You want the best chance of her getting back and for you to stop hurting??? Become a ghost immediately. The patterns of relationships tell me that you don't even have a chance of getting back without significant time apart and she won't want you back until you move on. So use this knowledge to go NC and move on. Both for you and for the hope that one day you can reconcile, but probably when you are good you won't want to anymore.

 

I don't regret being weak those 2 weeks because I did the best that I could with my knowledge before I hit up ENA...but man can all these wiser posters really be wrong if they advocate NC and moving on?

 

They might be, your situation might be different, but in reality the dynamics/fallout/reasons for a break up and the personality of women and men boil down to the same primitive desires/needs.

 

She might not say she wants space, but she needs it to realize whether she wants you in her life or not. Give it to her but above all else give it to yourself man because I don't like seeing you suffer as I imagine if I was still in that position and it gives me the chills.

 

Im out

[token09]

I am a bit of a wreck right now, but thanks for all the input. I just dont like this. There is only one person in this world that could do this to me, and it is her. I told this other girl that i wanted to slow things down with her and not be so involved, and she is telling me about these other guys that she could be with, and i dont particularly care that much at all. I've always been like that, water off a ducks back, can move on kind of thing, until it came to her. never again.

[oscarthaslouch]

Yo you are a wreck right now, because the confident you would walk out on this new girl telling you about these other guys she could be with.

 

She is either bluffing or testing you brother. Remember the game we used to play with the opposite sex before we got dumped? Remember? Yo, do yourself a favor and let her know that since she has other guys "she can get with" then go for it. Either she will a) be attracted to you more by you showing your strength and not getting hung up on her enough to be able to walk away b) or she will go for other guys which right now you don't need silly girls playing you with such statements.

 

This is so obvious from my point of view here dude, blow this girl off and gain some confidence from it and if she still with you (which she very well could be) then nail her brains out.

[token09]

Well...this other girl came up to my work with an ice cream for me after I'd been mucking about with her all afternoon saying I'd like one. She was trying to surprise me...but I had already left to go to the gym. She demanded i go back and see her, but I politely told her I was meeting people and wouldn't. This peed her off a bit, and she said if I didn't, i could foret about seeing her again. I just told her I would see her tomorrow when i have time after football. Seriously though, what the hell is going on?

[token09]

managed to speak to the new girl and broke things off. She wasnt happy. Now i really am back to square one.

[oscarthaslouch]

To he11 with that noise Token09. Look at what you just did, YOU broke things off with a girl trying to play you. +5pts my man.

 

You aren't back to square one if you've been working on healing and improving yourself. You ARE back to square one if you still make the weak emotional decisions that you were doing with the Ex.

 

Plenty of girls out there dude, but you are selling yourself short thinking that one ex-gf and one girl trying to bluff you are the only ones...

 

PICK YOURSELF UP, DUST YOURSELF OFF, PERSEVERE...

[token09]

thought i would come back and update things here after a wee while away.

 

The new girl kept on chasing and kept asking to come and see me, saying it was just as friends. But it was clear it was not and i tried to keep my distance. I did enjoy speaking to her and spending time with her, but i wasnt ever going to commit to a relationship with her, but did want to be friends. at the weekend she was wanting to come and stay the night with me, but i let her no it wasnt a good idea. she goes away on holiday tomorrow and kept on saying to see me before she goes. I told her no, and she kept on asking, so i have told her now that we cant even speak anymore as she is wanting more than i can give her. She said that she likes me too much just to be friends and maybe it was for the best.

 

I met another girl at the weekend...younger than me and very pretty. She had seen me a few weeks ago at a BBQ and i noticed her too, but we never spoke. She approached my on sat night and told me that she fancied me. Later on the night i went to speak to her, and she said that she wanted to hook up....but things were complicated. I then found out that she has a 4 year old kid, and that she is still technically with the father of the kid, but she knows he's cheating on her. She said that as much as she wanted to, she didnt want to be kiss me, she didnt want to cheat on him, but she wants to meet me in the future if she cant work through things with this guy.

 

Good ego boost, bit worried that i seem to be attracting girls with baggage.

 

And then there is the ex. No, i've not brought myself to not speak with her yet. She said she enjoys speaking to me and meeting up, but then the stress and pressure of the situation hurts her. Since we broke up, i have asked her if she loves me, and she would say not like i used to. At the weekend she said that i know that she loves me, and she knows that we have something that is special, but she doesnt want to lose control again, as is what happens with her and i.

 

I asked her if she would stop seeing this guy. She said she doesnt want to feel like she is being forced into a decision and wants to know that she has made it on her own. She sees me as the bigger risk and him as a dependable. I've told her i want to enjoy us like we have been and go on dates, and actually fall in love again if things go how they have been.

 

Away from women, i am happy as i've been in a long time. I'm fitter and stronger than i, well, probably ever have been. I enjoy spending time with my friends again. I'm getting focus on my studies again. I know i can get women (maybe not picking the right ones just yet!!). But i do feel I'm in a much better place. I genuinely don't need her anymore, but i kind of feel like its at the start again with her, i'm excited about when we text and speak again, i look forward to hearing from her knowing its not going to be a depressing conversation, it leaves me buzzing again. When she makes me laugh, it kicks me on. And i can tell she is the same because sometimes we just talk and find it hard to get off the phone again. We are under no illusions. we wont ever be just friends.

 

The thought of him and her though is one thing that holds me back and causes more stress than anything right now. So what am i meant to do? I don't feel the need to text her all the time and, seeking answers anymore. But i still do need answers. Do i take it easy and hope it all works out, or do i keep on putting pressure on letting her know we wont go anywhere while she is with him? Because, that is the truth at the end of the day.

[sfindependent]

token,

 

just something to give you perspective.

 

I've a thread 90pages long. But when i placed purpose in my life, not HER life, nor OUR life, but MINE, my mind automatically just went from thinking about her to thinking about my new "mission". if you're not happy with something, change it. Not a drastic change if you can't. Just the act of placing purpose in your life gives your life "meaning" to your existence.

 

After that, and really... i mean, REALLY focusing on your life, you will see subtle differences in your outlook and your responses to people's stimuli. After i stopped blaming my ex for half the problems in relationship, i looked at what i did to contribute to it. Then i became more aware of all my faults, adn decided to work on that too.

 

It will get better man. take your time. We all did.

[token09]

Hi sfindependent

 

I think this is one of the best things to come out of the break-up. I don't blame my ex for what went wrong but i have looked at myself and i know what i have to put in to a relationship now to get the best out of it. I have done a lot of growing up and a lot of learning about me. I can't be as selfish, i can't have things my own way all the time, and i have to communicate things better and not just turn my back on things. I need to be more involved in a relationship and not have this notion of being defensive about being 'under the thumb' and losing control of my life. I was always scared of that, and i pushed so hard to make sure that it didnt happen, that i pushed her away.

[Ms Darcy]

These are great things to learn ... not just with her but with anyone.

[token09]

I agree Ms Darcy

 

I just hope that i get the chance to prove this to the ex, and not just talk about it in theory with her.

[LoveHurts89]

Hey Mr Grumpy Gills, you know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming xxx

[sfindependent]

I need to be more involved in a relationship and not have this notion of being defensive about being 'under the thumb' and losing control of my life. I was always scared of that, and i pushed so hard to make sure that it didnt happen, that i pushed her away.

I just hope that i get the chance to prove this to the ex, and not just talk about it in theory with her.

 

i'm sorry, but have to ask, what is your end goal? Do you want her back or are you trying to move along? I suppose we can want both...

 

Have to because the two statements above sort of still tell me that you still want to win her back, win her approval, prove something to her... it makes me think, "for what?". you're putting her on a pedestal man. why would you want to prove something to her?

 

i never saw it before as can be reflected in my threads but now, its more like "whatever the hell she wants to think about me, i don't care. I am my own reality. No one else's."

 

i'm also a bit hungover, so whatver it is that i'm talking about is straight coming out of my ears.

 

sf

[token09]

I'm definitely wanting her back. I'm meeting her for tea tomorrow.

[sfindependent]

goodluck brother.

 

I hope the grass is as green as you think it is. If so, i hope it finds you well.

[token09]

Don't know how grass the green will be. Don't even know if there's any grass at all. But if if she's willing to meet me like this, whether she is with him or not, and she 100% knows we can't be friends, is it not worth being patient and trying this for a while to see if we can get back on a level footing?

 

It feels like when you first start seeing someone again, except we know we love each other. It's all about whether we have changed enough to make us work now. I believe we have, but she has to see it and believe it before we can move forward.

 

Im probably completely wrong, I have been since the start. This is the 3rd time we are meeting since the breakup. What am i meant to do?

[askltk]

Don't know how grass the green will be. Don't even know if there's any grass at all. But if if she's willing to meet me like this, whether she is with him or not, and she 100% knows we can't be friends, is it not worth being patient and trying this for a while to see if we can get back on a level footing?

 

It feels like when you first start seeing someone again, except we know we love each other. It's all about whether we have changed enough to make us work now. I believe we have, but she has to see it and believe it before we can move forward.

 

Im probably completely wrong, I have been since the start. This is the 3rd time we are meeting since the breakup. What am i meant to do?

 

Can I ask how you know "we love each other" - implying that you know she still loves you in a romantic sense? Not meaning to dampen your mood pal, really. Just if she'd wanted to be with you, wouldn't she have come out n said it already? If i remember rightly, you've already come out and ask her, and she couldn't commit.

 

Meeting up with her might give you yet another opportunity to THINK things can work out, and hell things could have changed. Just dont commit to anything, don't force this issue and def don't put pressure on her. I wish you luck man - I've been in your shoes (Still am to a certain extent), and it's crap place to be!

[token09]

Hey asktik. she has told me that she loves me. It's the past that's a problem for letting go of what happened before. She thinks we are just not meant to be. I don't even know how you go about changing that thinking

[token09]

Last night went a bit strange. We only got half an hour together, and when I aske her when she was free again, it was clear she's been thinking about everything and stressing.she kind of started saying that she didn't want to move back up here,but she knew that if we were to make it work,we would have to be closer.I hadn't even mentioned anything like this to her for a while.so it's like now what do I do?she's stressing,I'm stressing,what happens now?

[token09]

Had a really tough few days since i met her on wednesday, and things feel like they are crumbling beneath me again.

 

I asked if we could spend a day at the weekend together in the next couple of weeks, knowing that if we organise it and she gets offered an extra shift at work that she would do that and i wouldnt get annoyed at it. She responded to the text and said yeah, and then when i spoke to her on the phone, she said again, without prompting, that we could see each other and make plans to do that, and that shifts at work had been a bit hard to come by. So i thought great. She has been away all weekend and i haven't heard a peep out of her, and its actually left me really down.

 

After having a positive outlook at towards my work for the last few weeks, i got taken to the cleaners by my supervisor on Friday, and i have lost all confidence in that as well again. It's hard to keep getting up when you get knocked down.

 

I tried to keep busy over the weekend, i did something new and went hillwalking with a friend. Had a really good day and enjoyed it, but i kept thinking to myself that if i'd only done this with her when she wanted to do this kind of stuff then it would have made her happy. I let her down in a big way by not doing stuff with her.

 

I stayed sober on saturday night, despite several offers to go out. It made me feel worse sitting in on a saturday night not socialising down the pub with my friends. nobody was around to do anything else with, so i ended up just going to bed feeling very alone.

 

yesterday i babysat for one of my friends, and had a great time playing games with the kid and all that. But it did make me realise how much i wanted to be in a position to start planning a family in the near future, and again brought me down.

 

Its now monday evening. Still not heard from her and this is probably as low as ive felt since the break up. It has been 5 months. My councilor has left and i don't know if i want to start fresh with a new one and go through it all again. I feel so depressed again though.

 

This time last year she was away abroad, and she was on the phone in tears and told me that she was actually missing me (she never missed me like that). That is when she started asking about moving in again.

[token09]

I've not posted on here for a while but felt this was a good time as i'm feeling a bit down today.

 

I met her again on Sunday. we had arranged to meet last week, and had been video calling each other regularly since we last met. As late as Sunday morning i wasnt sure if she was going to follow through and meet up. She was being very apprehensive about times etc. She eventually called and, even though i said to her that she didnt need to meet me if she didnt want to, she said that she did want to and had just had a bad few days.

 

So we met and had a really nice afternoon in the sun. Was really chilled out and we spoke about us. we spoke about our individual future plans with work etc and spoke about how the last few months had helped us get a better perspective of us and what we have. However, she was still saying that it seems like i have taken more from it than her, and that there was still a part of her that still doesnt want us again. She said that i looked good and that she kept on commenting about the work that i have been putting in at the gym etc. Made me feel really good about myself.

 

But for the first time since we broke up, we were talking about how we would get back together and how it might work. We went for a walk and we stopped at one point, and we ended up kissing. This is something that i had been scared of for a while as i wasnt sure the same feelings would be there and i would be trying too hard. As it worked out, it just kind of happened and it was an unbelievable feeling, like a first kiss, but with someone who you know you share feelings with.

 

She asked me what was going to happen now as we were leaving. I told her that I wanted to try again and it really was on her now. I was telling her the issues that i had with it and what i thought was going to be a problem, but she seemed to be a lot more positive about some of this than i was. But she did say again that there was this part of her that was holding her back. She said that she feels she has moved forward. At first she didnt even want to speak to me, but now she likes speaking again, then she didnt really want to see me, but she likes seeing me again, but now its like 'what's next' and she still wants to get there on her own.

 

We haven't really spoken since then. I didnt ask about this other guy, and she didnt mention him. My gut feeling is that she isnt seeing him anymore, as she has told me what she is doing each night, and as i said, we have spoken most nights. She was also telling me that she had been speaking to her friends about me again, and more pointedly, she has been speaking to work colleagues about me (this guy works at the same place). They have said that i deserve another chance to her.

 

Not really sure what i'm meant to do now. I am trying to be patient, but i don't even know what i am waiting for anymore. I am falling in love with her again, which i think is different from just loving someone. But i am also a bit scared of getting hurt again and so don't know what to do. I am having a horrible time at my studies just now too so i feel i bit more vulnerable than normal right now.

 

Any responses would be really helpful

[sfindependent]

token,

 

its good she's having the initiative to come out on her own and react the way you want her to. I just wanted to point out that you being "non pressure-y" is working. Don't forget that. Be aware of your actions and do not let the excitement and the apprehension kill your chances because you rushed into anything both of you are not prepared for. Let her come to terms on her own, but guide her through it with a gentle hand, not pull her towards a direction she's clearly not ready for completely (her hesitance) but also do not let her just do it on her own. It's a balance and what ever it is that you're doing, maintain a balance between guiding, and releasing.

 

this is the time where you should be more aware of your own reactions as well. You're becoming vulnerable and ultimately, if for whatever reason this fails, you could potentially hurt yourself more than how you initially felt.

 

best wishes

[TomboyMS]

I agree with SF. Patience is the way to go, both with her and yourself.