What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

Hi Guys

 

Yeah, i am definitely crapping myself about getting hurt to the same extent, or worse again. Its taken me 8months to get to this stage, and i don't want to mess up again. But i have to open up to her to let her back in properly and be there for her. I don't want to push things, but i dont want to stagnate at this stage, or fall back into just having a relationship over the phone. It's not enough for me anymore.

 

I was in an awful mood yesterday with work, and then she video called me as i was writing an angry email to my boss. She just smiled at me and did something shes not done for a long time, made me feel at ease and calmed me down. I jokingly said that we could maybe meet nearer me tonight and go to the cinema (it was tongue and cheek, i wasn't expecting a yes) and she said that she'd been thinking that too and would look into train times and if she had enough money. She's into her overdraft so it wasnt an option, but its nice that she is thinking like that again.

 

I don't want to set myself up for another huge fall, i couldn't take starting the pain all over again, so i want to get to a situation where we can call ourselves a couple again as soon as possible. Our friend gets married next month, and i would love to go to that wedding being able to say that she was my girl (and have someone to sneak in booze for me and split the cost of a present!! *joke*) and she also goes away at the end of next month for several weeks, so i would like to not still be in limbo by then. But i know us both being more chilled out and patient is the only way its going to work. I said to her on Sunday that i had waited this long and been through so much to get here, i didnt care if it took another 2 weeks or another 2 months to get there, i just want to get there.

 

But i am excited again, excited about the relationship. It feels new, but with someone you share deep feelings with. Theres a freshness to it. I just hope its not a phase for her. She means a hell of a lot to me.

[Moeb]

If you do get together token09, remember it is a NEW relationship, and you have learnt all the mistakes from your old one. Start afresh and see where it takes you, dont dwell on the past. I would kill to be in your posistion and it is basically exactly the same as mine, however im only 15 days NC and havent heard a thing, im still learning what i did wrong and read your post from 08.01. it sounds this same, i didnt do things she wanted to do either.

 

All i can say is good luck!

[token09]

Hi Moeb

 

I think it is a completely new relationship. Obviously there is a history that will always be there, but I needed to be more for her and i know that i can be now. I kind of understand what it takes now, whereas before, i kind of just hoped it would happen.

 

What's nice about it is there is no need to go and find out about the other person. I know her inside out, and she knows me. We do still have the 'unbreakable' bond with each other that releases these uncontrollable emotions. But a big part of it is being able to control the emotions now, and not rely on them to keep us together.

 

This is why i understand why she isn't committing right now. She loves me as much as i love her, of that i have no doubt. But if those feelings take over everything again, then we may end up back in the same place, and her (because it wont be me because i dont have the testicle fortitude to) having to walk away again, which is the hardest thing to do when you do love someone, but the relationship isnt working. There is a difference in loving someone and being in love. We are falling in love again. I can see it when i look at her. But it will take time. and ultimately, we may never get back together if logistics work against us.

 

In your situation, all i would say is be yourself. I know a lot of people say walk away, your closest friends will say it and the people on this board will say it. they are 100% right, if yyou dont want to hurt anymore, then walk away, keep NC and work on healing. Don't go out and get drunk like i did, but work on yourself and do something to make yourself feel better. Nobody has commented on my build since i changed my gym routine and worked out harder. Nobody has really noticed. But when she spoke about it on Sunday (and count stop touching me) i felt really good about it, i had done something to make myself feel better and look better. getting told by her that i looked hott, what a confidence booster that was. So definitely go away and work on yourself.

 

I would also recommend going to speak to a councilor. Now, I'm a bit of a lad, in the sense that i would rarely speak about my emotions with my pals before and certainly would never have thought about speaking to someone like that. But it helped me get a sense of perspective in my life. Where i was and what i wanted to achieve. I also understood what i did wrong in the relationship and that she is the one i want to spend my life with. Others will go down that route and realise that the one they wanted before, isn't the right one for them. Like i said, for me, i figured out that she is what i want out of a relationship.

 

I don't know what will happen with my relationship. But the best advice i would give to anyone is do what you feel is right. Only you know that other person, and ultimately, you will know deep down if they aren;t the right person for you, but you have to figure that out yourself, away from the begging, neediness that you experience after the break up.

 

I came out with one of the cheesiest things i have ever said to her on Sunday, i amn't very romantic, but every word of it is true and it came straight from the heart -

'I thought when we broke up, i only missed being in a relationship, but that wasn't true

Then i thought i only wanted to be with you because of the last x number of years together, so out of habit, but thats not true either. I've realised that i would fall in love with you if i met you for the first time tomorrow and i fall in love with you everytime i see you.'

 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we do work things out, but i amn't dependent on it anymore. If you want to chat Moeb, feel free to add to here, or PM me.

[Moeb]

Ive read nearly every page of your story now token and I can see virtually the same similarities. The only difference is, when she finished it I have been in NC ever since and dont know what to do, she hasnt contacted me and I feel like she is going to forget about me and fall for this new person. We work together too and its going to break my heart when i see her next week when i have to go back to work. You can read my story from thread started on my profile. I want to text her and tell her i miss her, but i know i shouldnt.

[token09]

Hi Moeb

 

I read your story and there are definite similarities. I think the advantage that i had is that she lives in another city, and so i dont see her everyday. In those early stages after the break-up, despite how much i wanted to see her, it was a blessing in disguise as we got the space we needed from each other. Right now, it is basically the thing that makes it difficult to see a way forward as neither of us want to have a relationship with over our phones, and so it might be that its better not being together if that takes too much out of us.

 

The early stages are the toughest, there is no doubt about it. The sleepless nights, the constant pain. It is really hard. But it is when you do some of your best thinking. As i said, the best thing to do is go and speak to a Councillor. It is a great way of getting a perspective on life. I realised through this that i wasnt happy in my life, and that included the relationship. Can't go back and change the past, but sure as hell can make a difference to the future. Through that you will figure out if she is genuinely the one for you.

 

I don't know what to say about seeing her at work. I couldnt have handled that. That's why i would suggest that you do get in touch with her before hand. Find out where she is at. And let her know that you aren't planning on being friends with her, because its not what you want. She can't have that nonchalant 'hello' in the morning when she knows what you are going through. On the other hand, maybe you keep NC and rise above it and be the bigger person, and when you see her, you do be polite, say Hi and get on with the day. Might make her question what is going on maybe. I don't know.

 

At the end of the day, you have to do what you want to do and what feel's right. Go out, have beers with your friends. Don't go out expecting to pull. Just get used to enjoying that time. Get fit (Sprint training, takes 30 minutes and is better for you than going for a long run, unless youre training for a marathon).

 

We don't know what life is going to throw at us. We do know that we can make an impact on it or let it drag us around.

[Moeb]

Thanks token, i think ill update my thread and ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with it. Of course i do want to ring her and tell her i miss her, however this could put me back to square 1. The past 16 days have literally been the biggest drain on me. As for work, i have no idea, if i ask her to meet, she may well say no, back to square 1. If i go nonchalant hellos at work, she may think i dont care. Anyway, i dont want to derail your thread as this one isnt about me!

[token09]

I'm a bit unsure what to do now, and it is really eating me up inside.

 

We have spoken a few times this week, but now i find myself just really wanting to be with her. I know i'm not going to see her this weekend, and i don't know when/if i'll get to see her again.

 

I'm trying to be patient, but i dont actually know what to do now. I don't want to go into another relationship over the phone with her, and i don't want to let all the good stuff from the last few weeks go to waste either. If i push it, i will push her away. If i don't, i may go insane. What do i do?

[token09]

Things went sour again last night.

 

She called and when i asked when she was free to meet up, she said she simply couldnt do it. she said that she can't get over the fact it took her so much to get out of the relationship, and doesn't want to get into it again.

 

I've asked her to give it time. we have been on 1 proper date since we were left other people, and feelings like that, which i knew were still there, wouldnt just disappear but had to be worked on. but it's a major problem. that feeling makes her not want to see me and do stuff, but without seeing each other and doing stuff, that feeling will always persist. She said she doesnt want to risk that feeling not going away and thinks its best to not go any further. she doesnt want to step back into the same relationship.

 

So now i'm screwed up again. we are back to square one. all the stress is back and we can't just enjoy speaking to each other again. she is going to stop calling again because we will continue to have the same conversations.

 

I knew this was going to happen after last week, and i totally expected it. the distance is killing us. can't have a nice time last like last week and then a couple of days later just chill out together. It's like she needs it to be all or nothing, but we need time to get it to all, so nothing is the easier option. She has been trying, i know she has tried to put that to the back of her head and get on with it, but i don't feel that can be done on her own, and that i have to be around to give her reassurances that things wont be the same as they were.

 

She had it in her to walk away, take me out of her life and try to move on. That took a long time and a lot of effort. I understand that, and it is something that i couldnt have done. but to go back on that is a big thing, especially if it doesnt work again and she has to go through the same emotions again.

 

I don't know what to do. She is coming to see me after work on thursday. but i dont know what to do. I don't want to have the same conversations again.

[ToF]

I want to point out the disparity between this:

 

She called and when i asked when she was free to meet up, she said she simply couldnt do it. she said that she can't get over the fact it took her so much to get out of the relationship, and doesn't want to get into it again. ... she is going to stop calling again because we will continue to have the same conversations.

 

And this:

 

the distance is killing us.

 

It is not the distance. The distance may play into it down the road, should you two decide to start dating again, but it is not the reason she is pulling away from you.

 

I'm going to be blunt. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it really, truly, sincerely isn't. At this point, you ARE being strung along by this girl. Look at all the mental and emotional effort you put into this, only to have it come full-circle.

 

She may decide at some point that she wants to spend her life with you. But I honestly think that you are wasting your time with her right now. You've spent way too long playing this stupid game with her. At this point, that's what it is: A game. She may not realize she's pulling you through these hoops, but she totally is. She knows you're here, she knows you're waiting on the edge of your seat for her to decide the future of your relationship.

 

You can practice "nonchalance", "no-contact", and all the other "get your ex back" tactics preached on this site, but it's not going to work until you completely let go of your attachment to any possible reconciliation.

 

You've continued playing her game. She's not going to completely end it, because she doesn't want to lose her backup guy and ego boost. So it's up to you to decide when to say when.

[token09]

Hi ToF

 

I agree.

 

I know she isn't seeing this other guy anymore. She told him she needed away to look at us.

 

The two statements that you highlighted are quite important as well. She is a worrier, she analyses things (most women are like this, but she is slightly more stressful). So i can imagine the process she went through in her head, she gets herself space from him to think about us, but in the back of her mind, it didnt work before so why should it work out now. we start talking on the phone and video calls and laugh and joke around, but in the back of her mind it is still the same thoughts as before. we meet, we have a nice time and we physically connect again, but she feels like we would just fall back into it and still doesnt want to go through the same relationship that we had before. If we lived closer together, this would be a lot more casual, a lot less pressure on getting time together and it wouldnt feel like every time we did meet was a big deal. At the moment, we can't feel our way into the relationship, we either have to be full on, or not involved.

 

She keeps saying that she wants to want to want it, that she knows we would just fall back into us. But she doesnt want that and be unhappy like she was before, like we were before. So it is a catch 22. we need to spend time together for her to see that it is going to be a different relationship, but we can't spend time together if those feelings are holding her back, especially because of the distance.

 

I want to be able to just date her just now, and enjoy that time like we have been on the phone and when we met. but i don't know how to achieve that anymore.

 

Does any of that make sense? I want to let go, but i also know that that feeling will persist unless we spend time together, so if i let go, that really is that for good.

We spoke yesterday again as if we hadn't had that conversation the night before.

[askltk]

Just checking in pal.

 

The longer you dance round the issue, the worse it gets (you've read my thread - proof is there). I know you want her, but until she makes that so. She "wants to want it" is just "I dont want it", with the added hook of hope on the end to keep you around.

[token09]

Askltk

 

she has said that she doesn't want it in those words as well. She tried to stop everything again on the phone on Monday. I wouldnt let her (I don't even know if i was begging to be honest) and we spoke fine last night.

 

I think she is fed up of the whole situation, and just wants things sorted one way or the other. At the moment she can't say she wants to be in it, so to make that decision and get out of limbo land, she has to put a stop to it. To me though, if we are building a new relationship, we can't just go all guns blazing after 1 date, and because of the past, the bad thoughts aren't going to go away after 1 date. This is where the distance plays a huge part, can't just chill out.

 

We are meant to be going to the cinema tomorrow (i asked her after monday and she has said yeah, and she offered to come up here as it wasnt fair on me as half way wasnt really half way time wise since a new road opened). But its the same thing as the other times before we have met, will she go through with it?

 

If we do meet, i can guarantee we will have a great time, we will do some talking about us, she will cry, she will go home and call and be all happy, and then over the next few days she will get quieter until this comes up again. this is what i am trying to say about the distance, there is no way to capitalise on the on the good time when there is so much time to think and analyse in between. 'i had a good time, but i can't get back into a happy relationship' rather than 'i can see that things have changed and we can make this work, it is different now.' How do you even begin to follow things up without the stress of having to go to such lengths to spend an hour together?

 

For the time we are on the phone, the time we are together, things are great and just really natural. when we aren't, i know i stress like hell about her, and she does as well about me. It's not a nice feeling and i can understand why she doesnt want to feel like that anymore, either do i. Like i keep saying though, without the time together, it's going to be like that as we don;t know what to do.

[askltk]

Things shouldn't be this difficult, it really shouldnt. A relationship should be relaxed - in each other's company or not.

 

She's said she doesn't want it - out right? The fact that she "tried" to stop it, and you begged her not to - makes me think she hasn't purely out of guilt. You wouldn't let her .... sounds like you are begging. Your never going to be together if one of you is not in it 100% - and she's not for the time being. You stopping it now wont make it go away, it'll re-surface at another time.

 

Your worrying / over analysing way too much - to a point where everything your doing revolves around her. The "cycle" you stated, the regularity, the pattern - doesn't the fact you can say it show an obvious problem that your going round in circles?

 

I've been there, i have. You sit there worrying, contemplating what to do next - when in reality the best thing is nothing. Dont chase, dont call, dont add pressure to what already seems a OTT situation.

[token09]

Yep, I agree with that.

 

I suppose the cycle has to be broken in some way. That's either by her facing her fears and committing to the idea of us giving it another go, or by me facing up to having to move on.

[askltk]

Honestly man, I'd run with the latter if you can. You'll come out feeling better for it.

 

You never know - by doing so it may prompt her in facing those fears.

[ToF]

Token,

 

Yes, everything you're saying and feeling makes sense. Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean you should keep putting yourself through this cycle.

 

All I can say is that you know how this goes. You know how she feels, and you know what you should do. You've avoided it for a long time now, and it hasn't worked in your favor. Think about it: If you keep this up, before you know it, another year will have gone by and you will be in the same place you are now. What's it going to take for you to make the tough decision?

[token09]

I know. Suppose it is just fear.

 

I tried to be that guy that goes out, has fun, and meets girls. It was a laugh, but it got boring. There aren't any females at my work. There isn't an opportunity to get away for a few months now. Didnt enjoy dating websites. And i'm busy with work, gym, and back to playing now. When/how do i find someone else? The girls i have met have been nice, but not my type. And as happy as they have been able to make me, she simply makes me happier than anything else. That feeling is a bit like a drug, and i suppose why she can't walk away with any ease as well.

 

The one thing that sticks in my head about what she said was 'its better to be down at the bottom, because you can't get down any further from there.' She has always been negative. I've turned her head back before, i've had other chances. i suppose this time, when things genuinely are different, it's a case of the boy that cried wolf. That's why I blame myself and that's why i don't blame her.

[askltk]

Token,

 

Yes, everything you're saying and feeling makes sense. Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean you should keep putting yourself through this cycle.

 

All I can say is that you know how this goes. You know how she feels, and you know what you should do. You've avoided it for a long time now, and it hasn't worked in your favor. Think about it: If you keep this up, before you know it, another year will have gone by and you will be in the same place you are now. What's it going to take for you to make the tough decision?

 

Agreed. Its a tough decision - but ultimately one that YOU will have to make, as she wont.

 

Don't waste any more time of YOUR life fretting about it. I wish I could get the last 10 months back. I'm putting it right now - you do the same. No time like the present.

[ToF]

It sounds as if you're measuring your happiness and progress as a function of meeting other women. Of course you're not meeting anyone remotely interesting right now; you're still stuck on your ex! There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's completely, utterly normal. So I find it rather disappointing when I hear statements like, "I'd move on if I can find someone" ... "When can I just meet a new girl" ... et cetera. Your focus right now should be on you. Not on her, and not on that faceless, nameless woman that will come along and mend your heart. As it stands, your heart is not in any condition to be loaned out to any other woman. You need to do some serious healing before that becomes a possibility.

 

My point is, there's no reason to be discouraged. Ditch the "I need to find a new woman" attitude asap.

 

As far as your ex goes, I don't think the blame game is getting you anywhere either. Nothing you did or she did was wrong. You guys stopped dating, and that's that. Seriously, just leave it at that. Thinking about it in any more detail will just keep you in this cycle even longer. You've already analyzed the $#!* out of this situation, so it's time to quit it.

 

So. Moral of the story? 1) Stop trying to find another woman to fix your heart. Just, stop trying to find another woman period. 2) No blaming. No analyzing. 3) No more pity parties. The time for that ended months ago. Put on your big boy pants and accept this for what it is. It's an unknown and you just need to leave it alone.

[token09]

To be honest ToF, i don't know what's going on in my head right now. I just want to know what's happening in my life and have more direction. Everything is up in limbo right now, between her and work. I don't know what to do. I just want to know what's at the other end of all this. It has been the worst year of my life so far. The last few years have been a plod. Physically my body is wrecked, but i'm actually able to play sports again to a decent level which is good. But i don't enjoy it like i used to because it's not the same as it used to be.

 

I thought things were bad before when it was just sports that were a problem not being able to physically play. Then this work aspect has got worse over the last couple of years and now is nearly unmanageable and i feel like i need a way out. And then there is her.

[ToF]

I understand that feeling. Most of us on this site have been there before, and a lot of us have made it out the other side in one piece.

 

The thing is, token, you have the option of ending this limbo. You are being strung along, but you don't have to be. It sounds to me like you are allowing yourself to be rather complacent when it comes to her, which is dangerous. I understand how a combination of all the things you mentioned can lead to a state of depression. Your options are: Take the reigns, or stay in limbo.

[token09]

She's ended the limbo for me.

[ToF]

What happened?

[token09]

i didnt go and see her because when she called she sounded thoroughly peed off and i said if there was any point. We got into a big chat, and she just said that she didnt want it anymore, and she kept on saying it. then she hung up.

[ToF]

I'm sorry, token. I can imagine how that would feel were I in your position. That had to sting - a lot.

 

Just let her go. Do whatever you need to do to feel better right now, but stick to the notion that it is over with her.