What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[Real Deal]

Man, you are getting played for a sucker. She is totally stringing you along for sure. These are the facts - you feel bad, miss her, text her to try to get comfort and re-assurance that she still cares. Meanwhile, she throws you a few crumbs just enough to keep you in turmoil while she is with another guy. This is the last time I am going to say this but I will pose it as a question instead of a statement - Do you think that the way you act about all of this makes you more or less attractive to her?

 

Or to put it another way - are you building attraction or destroying in with her, or neither? A one word answer will suffice. Again, attraction is a fuild thing and always in flux, no matter how much you love someone. Minute-to-minute, day-to-day, etc. So, your choices are:

 

A) building attraction

B) destroying attraction

c) neither

 

I anxiously await your answer my friend!

 

Be real!

[token09]

I certainly want to be building attraction.

 

She said last week that she doesnt want to be playing games with me, or stringing me along. I've told her not to do things for me, and it's got to be what she wants to do as well, if not we find a way that, drunk or sober, we can't easily contact each other.

 

What she has said was that if we lived around the corner from each other, we could spend a lot more time together and it probably would work out better, but the distance and time is a nightmare right now. Trying to even find a couple of hours to meet up and go for a date is a problem for both of us, but i was surprised by the lengths she is willing to go to now, where as a month ago she would simply say no chance. Another thing that surprised me about the last time we met was she went to extra effort with make-up etc and you could tell that she was also kind of excited by seeing me.

 

From the way we are talking to each other now, it doesnt seem like an attraction thing anymore, it seems like its a 'can we get past this crap' thing. We both agree we are in the same place with feelings but not knowing if things would work out if we did try again. The big difference is the fear, and at first i didnt get that. but i kind of do now. We both know we have a connection, and strong feelings for each other, but the relationship wasnt working for either of us. She took the step to try and distance herself from the connection and feelings and get out of the rut that we were in. Emotionally, it must have been a difficult thing to do for her. So i can understand her fear of walking back into that and not knowing if anything has actually changed or if things will be any different, as neither of us can make any promises.

 

I dont think i'm being impatient by expecting her to dump this other guy and put effort in to sort us out. But a part of me says maybe i am, because a month ago she wouldnt even consider going on dates with me.

 

Do you think that the way you act about all of this makes you more or less attractive to her? Less attractive - but whats keeping her in this when she was further away before?

[askltk]

Beats me, she never told me, I have my theories but I am no longer interested in finding out what it is. I am moving on

 

Thats a the positive - moving on. I only found out my "flaws" when we were at breaking point. She held everything back because, like me, she didn't want to face up to it. She was always one who held back her emotions / feelings, in fear - which stemmed back from family issues.

[token09]

Hi oscarthaslouch

 

Sorry, i have been away in holland for a few days and only just got your post today, and how i wish i got it when you posted it.

 

The night before i left i spoke to her on the phone and text her goodnight and that i loved her. I went away on thursday and switched off my phone so i didnt waste battery/money texting her drunk. this was a raging success for 3 days for me. I had switched on my phone to check work emails on friday and had a missed call from her which i didnt return as i was sober, but it made me wonder why she called when she knew i was away. the work emails didnt bring good news either, but i brushed them aside and hit the beers again.

 

I felt like the 20 year old me again, chatting up all the girls, and just chilling out and having fun, getting presents bought for me by a barmaid i'd been having a good laugh with, chatting to a girl on a train for half an hour and ending up on the phone to her mother, meeting girls on the dancefloor and not completely holding back. I had a great time, but was just still dreading the end of the weekend and back to reality.

 

My ex and i had agreed to meet tonight 2 weeks ago, so in the last 2 weekends, i have fooled around with girls but have stopped it from going any further because i didnt want to make our situation anymore complicated. Would have still felt like cheating on her. I got a bit of stick last weekend on the stag doo from the guys for not following through, and got a lot of stick this weekend for not following through, but at the time i was happy that i didnt, i felt like i had done the right thing and it didnt bother me.

 

I did text her on sunday night (maybe more monday morning) telling her that i loved her and wanted to fix things and was looking forward to seeing her. then when i got access to some wi-fi and checked my emails, i found that she had emailed me saying that she was too busy this week and had no money to come and meet me and she would be too stressed out and that she didnt want to meet me when stressed. This really anoyed me. for one, it was like she was making excuses (she had come up to my city over the weekend to meet people and play squash with my best friend who she is also friends with). secondly, i wasnt even worth the 50p it would have cost to send that in a text. So here's me turning walking away from some pretty foreign girl for the sake of us, and she cant even spare me a couple of hours during the week to meet up.

 

This has made me very angry. I want to walk away but i dont actually even know how anymore because i've been in this crappy place for so long now.

[Real Deal]

Man, that sucks. Bottom line is this - if a woman wants to see you she WILL fins a way, period. Youa are right, she is making excuses and she is calling the shots. There is only one person that can change this - YOU! Oh, and stop with the "cheating" guilt too. Keep this feeling for too long and eventually it will turn into remorse over the missed opportunties. Not that there will not be many more but she is with another guy for F's sake. Think about that for a second - is pinning over a girl that is with another guy something that a man that has hit sh*t together does? Nope. Make the move towards the light - you will NOT regret it!

[token09]

A timely response RealDeal, it's exactly what i needed to hear after the weekend and kind of makes me feel more at ease bout where i'm at.

 

I went to a wedding on friday where i was also giving a reading which went down really well. I had not seen a few of the guys for ages, and so inbetween the ceremony and reception i was persuaded to go for a few beers as one of the guys wives wasnt arriving until the evening. I had a great time and felt more like myself again, laughing and joking around. I was in tears of laughter for most of the afternoon, and the one guy who was there with his girlfriend has been told he isnt allowed to go out drinking with me again! Great crack. This carried on into the evening, but by this point i was the only single guy there, all my other friends were all couply by then, and were dancing etc while i had nobody and was texting the ex at the same time. I got over myself quickly and just started having fun again, dancing with the bride, the mother of the groom, some random old lady and the rest of it. I even got asked by a girl to ask her out sometime.

 

I had a chilled morning with my pals on the saturday, playing FIFA and stuff when we should really have been tidying the house, and i went to a BBQ in the afternoon/evening and had some more beers. ended up in a nightclub and ended up chatting and dancing with loads of girls, and just having a good time again like the night before, but again, i was texting the ex all night and kind of flirting with her too. I didnt expect to get any more chances at taking the next step with someone, especially as its not the same as being away from your home town, but i did end up hooking up with a girl, and she came back to mine.

 

She is a really cool girl and is very attractive. we stayed up all night and laughed and joked around. She said she thought i was a very confident guy, which kind of took me back as i hadnt felt any kind of confidence since the break-up, but i suppose the last few weeks of blowing off steam has helped alot. She wants to hook up again next week when i get back from the conference, and i kind of want to as well because we did get on so well. but a few problems. I'm still talking to the ex about our next step and meeting up and stuff. The way she is talking right now, i don't even know if she is with this other guy or not, and she just seems really unhappy in life right now, and i just want to be there for her. And this other girl is a few years older than me, and has a kid. I think i fancy her, but i dont want to even think about starting anything fresh right now, and i dont think its fair on her or her kid if we did and i'm still in this post break up place. we were very open with her the other night and told her i had only recently broken up with my ex and she told me that she was divorced.

 

So what do i do now? Do i go on a few dates with this girl and see where it takes us? What do i do about the ex? I still totally feel like im abandoning her and i love her so much that i dont want her to be upset with life and i just want to be there for her. I also need to stop drinking. I have spent close to £1000 in 3 weeks on booze alone and I do feel like im beginning to just rely on it as a way to break out from the depression at weekends. But today i am a lot happier than i was last week at this time. Also, my councillor is leaving at the end of this month which will make it difficult once again without that crutch.

[CMS]

So what do i do now? Do i go on a few dates with this girl and see where it takes us? What do i do about the ex? I still totally feel like im abandoning her and i love her so much that i dont want her to be upset with life and i just want to be there for her. I also need to stop drinking. I have spent close to £1000 in 3 weeks on booze alone and I do feel like im beginning to just rely on it as a way to break out from the depression at weekends. But today i am a lot happier than i was last week at this time. Also, my councillor is leaving at the end of this month which will make it difficult once again without that crutch.

 

Yes you should totally do it! no pressure and no nothing, just go out and have fun and see where it goes!

[token09]

but i also don't want to mess this girl around, especially with my emotional baggage and with her having a kid too. But like i said too, i do think i kind of fancy her.

[Real Deal]

but i also don't want to mess this girl around, especially with my emotional baggage and with her having a kid too. But like i said too, i do think i kind of fancy her.

 

Go and have fun. Be honest and genuine with her but DO NOT talk about your ex. You are WAAAAY overanalyzing this. Don't put any attachment on the outcome of things and you will be fine. That, coupled with just having fun, is the best way to build attraction (unless you are a total slob but it sounds like your not....lol).

 

Keep us posted and don't get all needy on her either...

[samturner22]

Pretty much devastating to lose the love of your life. I wanna share a blog with you guys, it was posted on facebook. "ways to effectively get back with your ex..." link removed. this is not a scam, it's a blog. just read through it...maybe this is the answer....

[token09]

Hi real deal

 

Im away at a conference this week again, but the new girl popped round to help me pack.....I nearly missed my flight but I did get packed! It's really cool chilling out and having fun with someone without all the stress.

 

I also spoke to the ex when I got here, and had a good laugh and chat with her as well. She has agreed again to meet up, but this time I've left it in her hands. Ive told her I no longer need her, which I genuinely don't think i do, but I do still want to be with her. We've both agreed that there isn't much to lose by spending time together, and if nothing happens then so be it. She's as scared of letting go as I am, but I think now I'm in a better place, and I know in myself that I can move on. I'm going to keep having fun and also feel like my head is firmly planted back in my work as well.

 

Samturner, couldn't get that link to work.

[Real Deal]

I also spoke to the ex when I got here, and had a good laugh and chat with her as well. She has agreed again to meet up, but this time I've left it in her hands. Ive told her I no longer need her, which I genuinely don't think i do, but I do still want to be with her. Samturner, couldn't get that link to work.

 

So she's calling all the shots? Oh, and, never tell a woman you don't "need" her. Let your actions say that....

[askltk]

Agree - actions always speak louder than words.

 

It's confusing "leaving it in there hands" - you don't want sound needer asking to see her - yet doing nothing gives her all the power. Personally, from my experience you'll be better off taking the initiative and saying how you honestly feel. Don't make it an ultimatum as such, but you need to make it clear that you still want to be with her (if you do). Then she knows where you stand - and can either chose to you or not. But least you'll know...

[token09]

well....i made a drunken mistake when i was away last week and text the ex telling her about this new girl and basically giving her an ultimatum as i dont want to play any games, particularly when there are other people involved. As soon as i sobered up (on the flight on the way home) i totally 100% regretted it, and was very embarrassed with myself. The new girl came to see me (with her kid) when i got back that night, and we had a chilled evening with my friends. but, somewhat surprisingly, the ex called, and i had to cancel her call obviously with everyone around. she then text saying that she would try to call later and that she was still free to meet on wednesday (tonight). This really knocked me for 6 as i didnt expect her to want anything to do with me after what i had text. I didnt reply until later, telling her i obviously wanted to see her. she then called the next morning, which woke me up, but we had a nice conversation, and then again in the evening she called a couple of times, the first of which i missed because i was again with the other girl. then last night, i knew she was with her friends, so i didnt text or anything and fell asleep, and woke up to another 2 missed calls around midnight.

 

I text her this morning saying good morning, and got no response. I then got a text later on saying that she was going to struggle to make it on time so she would call me when she was leaving so i could leave about the same time. I felt like this was her beginning to make excuses again, so i have told her not to just meet in an attempt to humour me. ive had no response.

 

I was confused before, i am absolutely confused now. no idea if im coming or going. I dont know whats in her head, what shes thinking, but i am ready now to properly walk away if she continues with these games.

 

HELP!!!!!

[ToF]

This is the problem with trying to juggle your ex girlfriend along with the rest of your life.

 

You have a new girl now, and she's still with that other guy, right? I would let this go for now.

[token09]

So....we met up last night.

 

IT was really nice. We had a good laugh and good talk, but spent a lot of the time trying not to be physical with each other at all, like holding hands etc.

 

She paid for food when i was trying to, and i tried to give her money. She said i could pay the next time, and i asked if there was going to be a next time. She got angry at me for asking and i got angry at her getting angry. She said that she could keep on meeting me like this, and i said i obviously wanted to keep seeing her like this. but then i asked about this other guy. she then asked me if i like the girl that im seeing, and i said that obviously i do, but not the same way that i feel for her and it would never be at the same level with anyone else.

 

This is where things got really emotional. She said that she knows we have something special, but the fact is that when things got really bad over the years, that was the only thing that kept us together, and that it was unhealthy. I agreed, but said that we appreciate each other better now, and that what we do have will be good for us going forward. She said that i was the only one that got her, and she missed that. She said again that the main thing that is holding her back is that fact she made a conscious choice to break away from that connection, and its the hardest thing she has ever had to do, and she doesnt know how to go back on that. By this point we were holding hands, and we nearly kissed, and although she was the one that made the first move, she was also the one that stopped in time saying that it wasnt a good idea as it would just mask over all the mess like it has done before.

 

I left her with an ultimatum. I told her that i really wanted to carry on spending time like this with her, but i didnt want to start a full blown relationship as such just now because i didnt want it to just fall back into what it was, but that i wanted to build up again. I said that we can do that, but we can't be seeing other people while we are, because first i dont want to be playing games with other peoples feelings, its not fair on them, and its also not fair on her and i. So i said to her that we can risk losing these other people and each other if things dont work out by spending time together and seeing what happens, or we can play it safe and walk away from us and not see each other again.

 

We left it at that, although we did speak about it on the phone when we both got home as well.I didnt want to pressure her into a decision, but i also dont know what to do now. i am again left sitting waiting for her to make a decision. how do i get her to to do this without being pushy, without forcing her and putting her under pressure now???

[askltk]

First off - you've made it clear what your wanting, which is a positive. I'm just of the thinking that if it's what she really wanted, she wouldn't have much to think about - but that's just me (and my advice is never that great!)

 

I wouldn't pester her for a decision, as you will only look needy. You've said you don't "need" her, so prove it and just get on with other things for the time being. Maybe not continue with the new relationship, but don't just sit around waiting for her to make up her mind.

[Real Deal]

Okay, here's the deal - and I am speaking from experience so this is not some macho BS or dribble I am just delving out to hear myself talk. Laying it out CAN be good but it is a timing thing and the timing is not good right now. As men we must be able to be vulnerable at times with women we care about. However, being vulnerable and being a doormat are two different things (I don't think you are being a doormat per se but she is still calling the shots). Being vulnerable can be a sign of a truly strong man but only when you are coming from a place of being willing to be rejected or hurt and KNOWING that you will be fine if you do. You are doing it from a ‘needy’ place and she senses this.

 

You telling her that "no one will ever compare" is a HUGE mistake. Yes, because it conveys neediness and you are basically saying that you are way more invested in her than she is in you. BUT, the most important part of this is what you are conveying to yourself. What you are telling yourself is that there is not another woman as good as her on the face of the planet. Really? So you have met every woman out there...all 3.2 billion of them? Not to mention you view her as such a catch and the greatest thing for you that walks the face of the earth. What are you conveying to her AND YOURSELF when you say this? That your life is less than perfect now and that you NEED her to make it perfect. Does that sound like a guy that has his sh*t together? No need to answer that question.

 

Look man, I thought the same thing about my ex for months and months after we split and she is the mother of my children and I was with her for TWELVE years!! It was not until I put a higher value on MYSELF and what was best for me that things started to change. I think you are making a mistake with seeing this new girl. This showed through in your drunken text and your attempts to make her jealous. Not cool, not powerful and most of all not being in control of your emotions. You already know this though so I am not trying to beat you up too bad. It did however spark a reaction from your ex (it ALWAYS does). Unfortunately, you basically conveyed to her that you are not all that into this new girl by telling her whatever it is you said about no one else measuring up.

 

Anyway, she has her cake and she is eating it too. Does she care about you? – Sure - but she is only acting on ego right now and the fear of you finding someone else that you like a lot. This is not what someone that truly loves another does. You need to cut her loose for now.

[CMS]

Have to agree with Real here, you are still letting her hold you by the balls, and the reason why is you allowed it to happen, you put her on that pedestal so damn high that you view her as THE single greatest thing that has ever walked the earth. Let me ask you this, do you value yourself so low that you dont believe you can attract another great woman or another great woman wont find you attractive? The answer is no because you have lots to offer man! Take her down from the pedestal, find your reality, the reality that you are a good person with lots to offer and its her loss to walk away. Stop living in her reality and start live in your reality and believe in it.

 

You are still showing too much neediness from that interaction, time to pull back and SHOW (not say) that you dont need her anymore, you want her but you dont need her, catch my drift?

[token09]

Hey

 

Yeah, i agree. The thing is now, i dont view it as i cant attract other great women, completely the opposite (maybe wrongly). I've really enjoyed the last month, blowing off a lot of steam, meeting people (girls) and being able to do what i want with them, being able to control the situations with them.

 

We spoke again a couple of times on the phone last night, and it was just like normal. She said goodnight and i said goodnight and that i loved her. She said she knows, and its nice just talking like this again and wants to see where it goes. But now i'm sitting thinking, is she just playing games again because she knows i'm with someone else, or is she genuinely now scared that she may lose me for good. She has never been the type to play games, but at the same time, she is a complicated character and sometimes she doesnt even get herself.

[dramallama]

Out of respect to the people you are dating now, you should have no problem cutting off your ex/crutch. Learn to deal with life without your ex because you haven't given yourself the chance to do so yet. I suppose the only way whether you will TRULY know whether she just wants to keep one hand on you, or whether she wants you back for good is to take control of the situation and tell her that you want to move on from one another - then follow through with those words, forever. But if you're happy analysing for the next few months or even till the end of this year and beyond, go ahead and let your ex dictate whether you move on or not.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Love isn't really all that complicated when you think about it, as much as you might like it to seem.

[askltk]

You are still showing too much neediness from that interaction, time to pull back and SHOW (not say) that you dont need her anymore, you want her but you dont need her, catch my drift?

 

Exactly - it's not the easiest thing to do tho. Separating the two is the difference a confident, nonchalant guy - and a needy one. Ultimately the prior is the more attractive option, for both you and how you are perceived by others, not just your ex.

 

Seeing you last message tho - you said you loved her. That does sound needy. Clearly you do, but she already know's that - telling her won't change anything. As for playing games - I doubt she even realises the effect its having on you, and more so doubt she's doing it on purpose. I maybe wrong - I'm not that syndical.

 

As Drama said - you've given her the opportunity to reconcile, and she hasnt. It rarely more straightforward than that - if she wanted you, she'd be with you.

 

It sucks - but don't wait around for her to realise your not there - as it'll be her way the whole way. I speak having wasted a fair few months doing the same thing.

[token09]

is it all just false hope again?

[askltk]

Honestly, you can't sit waiting to find out. You can't guess what she's thinking, all you can do is concentrate on yourself. Now's the time to be selfish.

 

You've done what you can (ultimatum), but the fact is she won't change as you've openly told her you still love her, that you "wont find anyone better" (and you will...). Why does she need to change her attitude towards you when you offering her no reason to? As long as she is happy with the things are (and knows that your still around) she'll keep you on that hook.

 

If you don't need her, prove it physically. Don't sit there waiting for her to make up her mind (which is already made - she just wont tell you because 1) doesnt want to hurt you or more likely 2) like's having you as a safety net).

 

I had the same advice given to me - and I kept kidding myself I was doing well and moving on. In reality I was ignoring the likes of Llama and Real's advice, as i wanted to believe my situation was different. That she was different. Funny enough, it wasn't. I didn't come out and offer the ultimatum, I just got in with things. You'll sort it one way or the other, but just make sure it's on your terms and not hers.

[token09]

Well, i'm not waiting. I have another date tonight with the new girl and i had been kind of dithering about whether to go or not, and i definitely am now.

 

I think one thing you say stands out from all you've said askltk.....wanting to believe my situation is different, and that she is different, when in reality, why should it be, and its not likely to be at the end of the day.