What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

Feel like a bit of an idiot to be honest.

[ToF]

Why? You did what you thought was best.

[token09]

Well, she hung up, i feel empty and angry.

[ToF]

I bet you do. With all you've been through, she could have been more mature about it. But given her pattern, it is not at all surprising that she did you this way. She never had the balls to make the decision for herself, so she waited until it all came to a head for her, and let you take the brunt of the pain.

 

It was selfish, but it is what it is. There is nothing you can do about it now.

 

What is your game plan at this point?

[token09]

What should my game plan be? I don't actually know what to do.

[ToF]

Well, I'm no life coach or anything, but I can tell you what seems right to me.

 

I think at this point you shake take active steps to remove her from your life completely. She has made her choice, and you need to take that opportunity to end this for you as well. So delete everything. All her numbers, emails, Facebook, etc. Anything you've saved, any reminders. It all needs to be trashed.

 

She will likely try to contact you. Before that happens, you need to decide what your reaction will be. My suggestion is silence. It is the most painful route, but it's the best. It will be waaayyy too easy to be sucked right back in to this same pattern. I would be so sad to see that happen again.

[token09]

Pretty sure there will be no more contact from her. She has also agreed to change her number for me, for my sanity. Deleted alot when we broke up. I've got photos on my computer, which I don't want to delete because it really is all I have left.

[ToF]

Well it's up to you. I hope she keeps to her promises.

[token09]

I honestly have no idea what to do or where to turn.

[ToF]

What do you feel your options are at this point?

[token09]

I have no options. Just bring railroaded into what to do and have no choice.and I hate it.have no control of my life.

[ToF]

What? Why do you think that?

 

token, I know you're depressed. It sucks. Really, it does. But no one has control over your life but you. Take inventory of everything you have in your life, and you may find that it's not the crapshoot you're making it out to be.

[token09]

But it's true. Being forced out at work and she's forced me out too. What choices do I have?

[token09]

im back to begging and pleasing with her to speak to me.

 

I really do hate myself. 1 person shouldnt do this to you. 1 person shouldnt have this kind of control over you. You should never let anyone become more important to you than yourself.

[askltk]

im back to begging and pleasing with her to speak to me.

 

I really do hate myself. 1 person shouldnt do this to you. 1 person shouldnt have this kind of control over you. You should never let anyone become more important to you than yourself.

 

Don't do it man - you'll be pushing her further away. Do ANYTHING you can to stop it, leave you phone off, let you laptop die of battery. Extreme, but think it's needed.

 

Your most important person in your life, however selfless you believe you are.

[token09]

Thats the thing askltk. I am the most selfish person you will ever meet. i always did it and i always said it to her 'don't let anyone tell you what to do, just do what you want and do it for yourself. screw anyone else.' I don't care about other people's feelings or opinions, i do what i want to do. That's what makes this whole thing so cack. That she has got past that and now i do stuff for her. I've known it for ages now. I tried to walk away once, and went to the states for 10 days and switched my phone off. Couldnt do it, i was back with her before i got on the plane home. We have never settled, there has always been some kind of drama around us. That's always pulled me towards her and now i've been pulled in so far i can't get away again.

[ToF]

All right. Well if that's the kind of attitude you are choosing to stick with, then there's nothing I can say to help.

[token09]

Hi ToF. I apologise, i didnt mean the last message in a bad way. I basically mean that i have always been a confident guy, never had a problem trusting my instinct and doing what i believe is right. But she has made that difficult to do now. I've lost a lot of confidence the last year. My supervisor doubting what i am saying and not allowing me to do my work the way i believe it should be done. And the ex. I've had a bad couple of years, but i believed her and i would get through it all and end up closer and better than ever. I believed i could battle on through past my supervisor and get my PhD. I no longer believe i can. I have a house, a mortgage, and i'm genuinely worried that i lose that as well if i'm forced out of my course. This time last year is when her and i started having big fights and she kept saying she just wanted to be with me. In november last year i found my grandfather passed away in his flat and the whole time since then has gone further downhill. I've lost a lot of belief but i'm still trying to battle on, because its what i do. But i can't take anymore knocks. Its my best friends wedding in 3 weeks. I am the best man but the only single person of our friends now. She will also be there. And i'm expected to stand up, smile and make a speech. I'm actually scared of that now.

 

I just want to forget about her and get on with my life now. I know the last few years of us has been a struggle. I don't want to be unhappy anymore.

[ToF]

No need to apologize. It's just, I really don't know what to say when I see that sort of self-pitying attitude you were indulging in a few posts ago. We all do it, but it's just not something I can argue with. If you choose to stay down and out, then nothing I can say will bring you back up.

 

But it seems like you're coming out of that funk a little bit, which I admire. Make a list of the things you would like to have accomplished within the next week, month, six months and a year. Then start figuring out how to get those things done. If nothing else, it'll show you that you really do have other things to focus your energy on.

[token09]

I'm back to struggling with my head again. I don't know what to do. I try to just forget and think about something else, but its near impossible. I wanted to get a good night of sleep last night as this week is going to be massive in getting this work done in time, so i went to my bed early. I simply couldnt sleep and she kept on going through my head. I tried to think about something else, but it just kept on coming back to her. I'm now completely tired, angry and really upset. I ended up texting her this morning, and and even more angry at myself and i cont concentrate on my work.

[ToF]

I'm sorry, token. I know it's hard. It really is.

 

You didn't "end up" texting her. You made the conscious decision to talk to her, despite logic dictating that you shouldn't have. I know it's a struggle every minute of the day right now. But what are YOU going to do about it? Are you going to keep "ending up" texting her, and letting this cycle continue? Are you just going to keep saying it's too hard, you have no control, etc ... And this this run your life?

 

I'd really hate to see that.

 

The harder you try to stop thinking about her, the more you're going to think about her. If at night you can't sleep because your mind is going crazy, find yourself some good, non habit-forming sleeping pills (like Tylenol PM), and just knock out. You need sleep so that you can focus on your work.

 

Please delete her number. Even if you have it memorized, just do it. Delete everything of hers. If you feel the urge to text her, then text a friend, family member, write it out on here, write it in a journal ... Anything but talking to her. I'm sure anyone who's been keeping up with your story would be willing to talk to you when you're feeling down. PM me anytime.

 

Take the reigns, man. You need to.

[token09]

Hi ToF

 

I have had some off the shelf sleeping pills for a while. I don't take them every night, only when i am stressing out a lot. Even these don't get me to sleep, even for a couple of hours, when i'm like that.

 

I have deleted her number, i've called the network to try and get the number blocked, but they can't do that. I deleted EVERY email, event the ones just mentioning her name.

 

I've tried to focus on my work, but it is difficult. I have tried to focus on writing my best man speech, but it has brought up a lot of old, good memories with her. We exchanged texts yesterday morning, and she called when she was in the car. We spoke about the same things again, and she still says that she is finding it difficult to go back on her decision to walk away from us because she had to fight against all the feelings that she had and still has, and she doesnt want to go back to being unhappy like we both know we were. We then spoke again at midnight and were able to laugh and talk stress free. It's in these moments, and when we are physically together, our feelings for each other kind of take over and we just feel at ease with everything. Then the stress starts again, i know what she's thinking and she knows what i'm thinking.

 

The one thing i can't get over in my head. I couldnt walk away from her when i wanted to, when i didnt now if we could be happy together, when she didnt make me happy because we hardly got time together. How can i walk away now when i'd given up on trying to walk away 2 years ago and shifted my focus on making sure we were together properly. I've continued that building, and i have grown up, even since we broke up, and i am a more mature person who can handle the feelings that i have for her now, and not crap myself about them and look for issues. Her friends are saying to her that if i have done this growing up, she should take the chance as its what she has waited for from me for 4 years. The more i speak to her, the more i feel her friends are rooting for us to get things sorted, not because of me, but because of how she speaks about me to them, and always has. Her friends were never really my biggest fans. I never made the effort to meet half of them (she used to say that they are starting to think she was making me up) and her best friends thought i simply didnt treat her right and i never saw eye to eye with them. But i do know that they only had her best interests at heart.

 

So you have the foundations for a relationship, the feelings towards each other, but she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Then there is still this other guy, who is obviously still in her mind to, maybe not so much as it is him, but more along the lines of does she risk again with me or build something new without the baggage of the past with someone else.

 

I don't even know where i am anymore. Got an interview next week way down in London, and i've arranged with my cousin to go to a show with her.......without really thinking about it as it was soemthing my cousin wanted to see, and i actually got quite excited about this. Then in a sobering way, i remember how my ex couldnt drag me to a show when we were together as i flat out refused to go without any consideration to the matter. Idiot.

[vel2011]

Hi token09. I've read your thread and have to say I think I agree with ToF that it is time to stop initiating any contact. I know how hard this is, but having read a hell of a lot of posts on here (my gf who I was so sure is the one broke up with me a month ago) I think the only way forward is to break off all contact, both for your healing and to make them realise that you are no longer available to them (as lets be honest, it is impossibl to give up all hope).

 

Would really appreciate your guy;s views on my situation - the thread titles 'My gf broke up with me after 2 1/2 years.... am i doing the right thing' in the Breaking Up section.

[token09]

The last couple weeks have been torture and i'm at a new low point.

 

Went for the interview last week, and she called the night before to wish me luck. She then started asking me about if she should buy this new car, and was asking since i moaned when she didnt speak to me about it the last time (when we were together).

 

Then, after this, she says nothing for days and ignores all my calls and texts, no matter what i say, happy, funny, serious. Then she emails me telling me that she needs to move on even though theres that thing between us. i emailed her back telling her that i know she believes things are different, but deep down i think she thinks im just going to make her unhappy again. She called the next morning, and text at night, playfully.

 

Then when i text her the day after, she tells me she has started seeing that other guy again (if she ever stopped seeing him). i didnt say anything after that, and she texts me saying that if i have changed, why dont i move on with someone else who can take advantage of that. ignored that too, and she texts saying that she knows i make her happier than anyone else can, but she still cant do it again. i ignore this too. Then she calls and i stupidly answer. She bursts into tears telling me she wishes it hadnt got this bad, and that she wishes that we could fix it. Then when i began to speak, she says she has to go. I get a call from the interview people, and they want me to go down for a second interview. I tell her we need to speak about it, and she video calls me when she gets home. She starts fooling around and flirting, and says she cant talk seriously with me. She then starts asking me what my plans are for the weekend as we are both going to be at my best friends wedding, and asking if im free on sunday. Her flatmate walks in with family, and she has to go.

 

So i text her asking if there is any point in me making plans around sunday. she says unlikely because her friend who is coming with her needs to get to work. So im like, why bother mentioning it then?? She hasnt spoken since.

 

I am dreading this weekend. I am the best man, and i really dont want to be on a downer on the day as i want my pal to have the best day of his life. But i also can't get my head around the fact that the wedding will probably now be the last time i ever see her. i can't mentally prepare myself for that and im really pooping it. My head wont relax.

 

There has been some other really unlucky stuff thats happened this week, and its just making feel worse. Went out on a school night last night, knowing that there would be loads of students out, and i had the worst time ever. Didnt even have another woman look at me, never mind anything else.

[askltk]

Firstly, most important thing is making sure you buddy has a great wedding, and as best man, you have all the attributes to make that happen. That should be the forefront of you mind, not what the Ex thinks. It won't be the last time you ever see her - it just won't, don't play yourself into that hole, as you'll get to the point of desperation ,which won't be cool.

 

See exactly where you came from pal, and its better (although it doesn't seem it) to accept is as a break up. It sucks, but tell her that you need the time, get her not to contact you, and then vanish. Don't drag it out like i did.

 

I've done the whole "out on a school night", and I've come to accept that the club scene really isn't the place to meet decent women - don't beat yourself up over it.

 

After the wedding (i mean after the whole weekend), text / email to say that you appreciate your not together, that it won't work as friends for now, and that you need time - so please don't contact. NC, for now, is the only viable option - it'll give you some clarity and enable you to build again, be it a new relationship, or reconcile. good luck