What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?

[token09]

So I didnt go through and see her last night. I went out and spent some time with friends and called her when i got in. We spent a long time on the phone talking about us and what went wrong. Short and long of it is that she said she would like to come see me and speak to me when she comes through here on visits, but i have told her not to get in touch with me while she is still with this other guy.

 

So i am going to start NC from this very moment and try and make 30 days which is a challenge set on another thread. It's going to be hard as hell, there are going to be ups and downs, but i need to do this for me. The help and support of the community on here is going to be invaluable but i need to do it.

 

I mean, i'm already having doubts, i keep looking at my phone as i type this, checking if shes maybe text. I do need help to get through this, but i need this for me. I am being selfish now.

 

So i'll post here everyday with the ups and downs. I don't know if it will make her come back, i don't know what effect it will have on her, but this is for me and i need to make this work for my own good.

 

DAY 1

Starting NC and wanting to stick to it this time. I know i love her and want to be with her. But i can't pressure her into anything so NC is the way to do this. I have to behave, i have to control myself and i have to move forward with my life.

[Real Deal]

Good move on NC. ToF is right on almost all of her posts; specifically the last one. Go back through your posts and read how many times you types "her(s)". You are making this ALL about her and not about you.

 

Short and long of it is that she said she would like to come see me and speak to me when she comes through here on visits

 

Really? How noble of her. Thanks for doing you a favor! F that! I may come accross as bitter or jaded but I'm not, just have seen this happen too many times in real life, my own and with many, many friends.

 

Look, here is the deal - She is seeing another guy - period! Nothing else needs to really be said. As previously mentioned, if you do get stuck talking to her be short, polite and concise. Always have something to do. Don't just say you have something to do either. Really have something to do. You may have dragged your feet a little but I see nothing that you did as being *wrong. She didn't get her way and she moved away, her choice - the same as it is hers to see another guy. Let her have her space she wants and give it to her ten fold.

 

I am not all about playing games, but if you think YOU can handle it start dating or at least hanging out with other girls. NOT to use them and make her jealous per se, but for YOU. Just have fun with no expectations and be genuine if you do decide to do it. It will show YOU that she is not the end all of all girls and "the one". Sure, you care for her and you all had something special, great. However, if you go through your life (you sound kind of young) thinking in terms of "the one" you will limit yourself greatly.

 

Stick with NC for a while and ignore the crumbs she throws you. At some point you ingnoring her will make her angry. You know the lest way to deal with this? Ignore it. Be aloof. Don't ACT aloof but BE aloof. If she is really worth it for the long haul she will come around and beg to have you back at some point. This will take 6-12 months to totally play out (regardless of what happens) so just be cool and stay calm. Keep posting on here!

 

man up brother!

[token09]

Thanks Real Deal

 

AT least for the next 30 days i am going to try and not speak to her at all, even if she does text/call. I have genuinely been trying to keep busy (i had to keep busy when we were together anyway because i used to miss being apart from her so damn much) but i have spent more time with friends and sitting and talking.

 

I'm not really that young. I'm 27 and was getting to the point where i wanted to settle down and think about having kids. My body is pretty wrecked, i do a lot of sports and have played on astro pitches since i was 12, so my knees are a mess and have been told i need a new hip by the time i'm in my late 30s. I want to be able to play sports with my kids and teach them stuff.

 

I don't actually know how i would go about getting other girls now either, especially after 6 years of not actually having to. When we were together i often got offers but i just turned my back on it all. Now it's like, how do you even attract the attention of a girl that you might think is decent, with the other problem being that i have always had quite high standards when looking for girls, and i amn't exactly a Brad Pit clone myself!

[token09]

I just want to tell her i love her one last time

[Silverbirch]

Hey, how but just posting it on the thread for messages to your ex. I don't think you should. If you play your cards right, and ditto the above posts, I think she will come back in a couple of months too. Am I the only person here who is wondering if she is messing up the other guy/using him? Doesn't sound good anyway. I think she is going to burn him.

[token09]

I don't know what to think about her and him. At this moment in time i firmly believe, knowing the person that she is, that she will put everything into them, and as long as he's not as immature as i was for so long, end up with him, maybe get married and then maybe a few years later question things. He is a few years older than us, and has a better job than me, but he's still a douche and i could definitely floor him! But i do think she will do all she can to make it work with him, especially since she wanted to be married by the time she was 26 and had her 27th birthday this year, so she wont want to go through it all again with someone else/try again with me if he ticks the boxes and is a decent guy. she probably wont love him like she loved me, but as long as he's reliable then that might be enough for her now.

[token09]

Epic Fail. She text me and it made me angry because she implied that i said something about her not being emotional. and after time i decided to reply and tell her she was talking * * * * . So i now have to start day 1 all over again. i hate myself.

[token09]

I'm so so so angry at myself now for failing again. I don't want to feel like cack anymore.

[ToF]

What's the point of being so angry at yourself? It's getting you nowhere. What's done is done, so just go easy on yourself and move forward.

[token09]

I'm angry at myself for not sticking to NC, not even for 1 day is pretty pathetic....but i am determined to start properly again...so....

DAY 1 (AGAIN)

I did manage to not reply to her last text, but i'm still thinking about doing it. But i know i wont. She messed me about and screwed me over, and she can't have me attention as well as being with this other guy. If he is so good then she doesn't need me at all. If he isn't, then why is she with him?

 

The next few days are going to be hard. I know he is meeting her parents this weekend, which really upsets me. But i need to get my head down and get by this. Its not a case of not thinking about her, that isn't possible. Its about remembering that she has made her choices and i cant change that.

 

She never liked it when i got my hair cut short, so tonight i am going to get my head shaved.

[ToF]

You're still making decisions based around her (like shaving your head). The reality is that you broke up, so it no longer matters what she would think.

[token09]

You're still making decisions based around her (like shaving your head). The reality is that you broke up, so it no longer matters what she would think.

 

I suppose to an extent you are right, but i have always wanted to just shave my head because its so much easier to deal with when you're doing sports and stuff, and since i'm still a student i dont exactly do my hair every morning, so its practical as well!

 

OK, thats my styling tips for the day, and i even got a wee laugh out of that.....maybe i might just be able to do this. Day 1 hasnt been so bad thus far. no real urges, but i've not really had anything to say to her, apart from the daily kiss that she used to get around lunch time.

[token09]

NC DAY 2

 

Been a really tough 24hours.

 

Me and my housemate got wedding invites from a close friend yesterday. His was addressed to him and his girlfriend. Mine was addressed to me only. Also realised that the stag doo we are going on next month has only 1 single man going....me. Out of 15 guys, only i don't have someone to phone up and check in with. That sucks.

 

Was really down yesterday afternoon, but fought the urge to contact her. ended up (rather than shaving my head!) getting a gang together and organising an impromptu night out. Pals from all different places that i had vented to over the last 4 months were out together, and they didnt really know each other! But ended up being a really good night with some good chat, although more binge drinking was involved. Really enjoyed myself. Didnt go for trying to kiss any girls or anything (27 in a nightclub full of 20-23 year olds is a bit daunting). I don't know if i'm just not ready for it yet or if it simply wasnt my scene. Can however genuinely say it is the longest i have gone over the last while without thinking about her every second of the time.

 

The problems started when i got home at 330am though. I always used to call her when i was out drunk, even though she never wanted me to! But she would do the same to me and we both loved doing it because it made us laugh, especially reliving the conversations the morning after. I fought the temptation to contact her, but i ended up just lying there crying for half an hour. it wasnt nice. Didnt really sleep and have been in tears several times today as well. came close to texting her just to say hi, but i managed to resist again, just. I was thinking about asking her to go and see a couples Councillor with me, is that a good idea? or will it just annoy her even more at this point in time? I think its safe to say the latter applies, although my heart says the former is the best solution.

 

The thought of not seeing her or speaking to her again really does kill me inside. I love her so much. I miss her chat so much. I miss her so much. Then i'm left thinking that he is getting her chat now, he is getting the best side of her.

 

How long is this feeling going to last for? I want more than anything for her not to be in my head anymore. I want to move on. I want to be me again. But the stupid thing is, all the reasons that she left me, or fell less in love with me, about have all changed. I wish there was a way i could make her see this.

 

Any advice/encouragement would be great. I really do feel so low today.

[Real Deal]

Okay, several items to discuss here so here goes:

 

1. DO NOT ask her to go to counseling. This is harsh but SHE IS WITH ANOTHER GUY NOW. If you do this I can promise you two things. One - she will say no. Two - you will feel even worse and she will be totally turned off by it (I guess that's three).

 

2. You feel bad because of the invite thing and you will be the only single guy - SO WHAT! Guess what - you will be the only single guy which means you can do whatever you want whenever you want. At the wedding and otherwise. Think about that. You are missing talking/texting with her. This is normal but really think about it. You are basically saying that your happiness and sense of security was based on your relationship with her. Is that healthy for you, her or the relationship. The bottom line is this - Men that get along great WITH women are the ones that can get along great WITHOUT them. Make sense?

 

3. You stated that you don't know how to talk to girls now or whatever. You sound like a pretty in shape confident guy (besides being a blubbering mess from time to time over your ex). I am not saying try to "run game" on every hot girl you see but if you want to meet girls just start by saying "Hi" and maybe introduce yourself. No pressure no big deal. You might have a fear of rejection which is somewhat normal too. Guess what, what if a woman you meet is totally boring and you don't like HER. No pressure either, just be normal and relaxed and have a conversation. Women are people too, hot or otherwise.

 

4. I would slow down on the booze a bit. I did the same out of the gate - definitely makes it worse for sure.

[iBroken]

Not sure why you are weighing your options here - she is in a relationship with another guy!

 

The only option is to move on past her!

[Real Deal]

Also, read this and let it sink in. Some may or may not apply but if you take this general attitude towards it she WILL want you back at some point. How do I know this? Because I have seen it happen in EVERY single case that they guy got to this point. Enjoy:

 

A common reason for a girl to break up with a guy is that he was too much of a follower. A woman’s mood may constantly change, and she has a lot of whims. If the guy follows her whims, she’ll lose attraction for him. A woman will say and do things based on a negative emotion she’s feeling at the moment, and if you react the wrong way, she’ll lose attraction for you. Although a woman’s mood fluctuates, it’s up to you to have a calm, stable inner state so that she too can feel calm, stable and safe with you.

 

The first step to regaining your power after a woman has left you is to break out of the state she wants you to be in right now. What does she want? Since she’s broken up with you, she wants you to feel lost and lonely. That way you are completely unattractive to her and she can feel okay with her new life without you. She wants to have no reason to be with you anymore. She wants you to be the repulsive beta male. This is the secret psychology of human beings. Knowing how we think gives us great power.

 

But if you’re not lost without her, she’ll lack emotional validation of knowing she controls you. She will start to be the one who feels lost without you instead. She wants to know you’re grief-stricken. But you want to make her think that you’ve moved on and are completely happy with your life. It drives a woman crazy if she dumps a guy and he’s completely cool with it. Very rarely is a woman certain that a relationship is over, especially if she’s dated a guy for longer than six months. Uncertainty is a key part.

 

One minute she hates your guts and wants you to die. The next she cries her eyes out because she’s thinking back to the good times you had together. Then she’ll try to keep track of you to see what you are doing. Then she’ll feel confused, wondering what went wrong. And sometimes she will feel extremely fond feelings for you. She will want you back and think you are the perfect man and she cannot live without you. She will fight the urge to call you. Then one minute later she’s back to hating you again.

 

There is a struggle between her logic and feelings. You must realize that there are two parts of a woman’s mind that you must satisfy, which are her logical and emotional aspects. Once you re-attract her, her emotions are going to make her want to get back with you. However, she’ll only be comfortable with the decision if she can logically justify it to herself as well. So the logic that you want going through her head is “he’s really trying this time.” Always attract emotionally and justify logically for completion.

 

When either one of you reinitiates contact after a certain period of separation, the woman is going to be curious at this point. She’s going to ask you questions and talk to you in a way to investigate whether you’re feeling lost. Virtually a hundred percent of women do it. The way it is structured is that she will say something to find out how you feel. You need to respond to her investigation for feeling lost by conveying that you are an upbeat and happy guy. Show that you are cool and centered in your reality.

 

Most of the time, she will put out a feeler to see whether you’d be interested in ever giving your relationship a second chance. Almost all guys screw this up by giving an enthusiastic “Yes!” at which point the woman has all the power and feels the joy of validation from that. Then all of a sudden the guy hears the girl tell him she’s “busy” and needs to go, but “we’ll talk more sometime.” Don’t say yes, because it’s too soon. You haven’t yet conveyed the attractive new you, so she hasn’t become re-attracted yet.

 

Instead tell her, in a relaxed tone of voice, “I think it’s too soon to be talking about that yet.” Then proceed with your conversation. Just have a normal conversation. Ask her what she’s been up to. Tell her what you’ve been up to by giving her one or two of the stories about how great your life has been and how much things have changed for the better for you, in order to convey attractiveness. That way she’ll see how happy and unaffected you are. Then end the interaction by leading her with a meet up at your will.

 

You have the responsibility to lead. You must lead in everything you do together. Going out to a restaurant and movie? You decide. Having sex? You decide. You are the big, strong man in your woman’s life. Lead in everything that the two of you do together. Take her opinions into consideration when making choices. Don’t make her do things she does not like. The best way to do it is to give her a choice of two or three options selected by you for her to choose from. You can even use magician’s choice.

 

As the alpha male, you must be self-sufficient when it comes to your own emotions. You cannot depend on the woman to support you emotionally. She gets her emotions from you, not the other way around. A lot of men screw up by trying to get emotional support from their girlfriend. It causes her to lose attraction for him. Have friends to give you emotional support. Your job is to give her emotional support, never the other way around. While your woman is emotional, be the calm, stable center of her world.

 

The most common way for a guy to kill a relationship is by being overly needy. When a man has no interests, hobbies, or ambitions in his life, his woman feels stifled. Women find it sexy when a man is independent. You have your own hobbies, ambitions, and interests outside the relationship. You can make yourself happy. You don’t need her. However, the opposite is not true. She’ll love you forever if you make her happy. Men who are successful with woman and all else are their own source of power.

[token09]

Hi Real Deal, thanks for the responses. YEah, i thought that wasn't a good idea about the councillor, and though it has been hard, i have made it past that urge i think.

 

I suppose I just need to build up some self esteem again before i can talk to women. I have a lot of female friends, and have no problem speaking to women once i know them a little. making that initial contact is the problem for me. I think it always has been. Unless a woman has spelt it out for me, i have never been able to read the signs! Hell, even when they have spelt it out for me i struggled at times!

 

On reading your second post, this bit at the end got me:

"When a man has no interests, hobbies, or ambitions in his life, his woman feels stifled. Women find it sexy when a man is independent. You have your own hobbies, ambitions, and interests outside the relationship."

 

For pretty much 6 years i was always independent, i would have something on everynight of the week and at weekends, as did she. we are very active people. I felt this was healthy, i hated the thought of being together 24/7. However, i think we both tipped over into doing this too often, and did too much separately. And when she started having doubts, what did i do? I pandered to her every whim, would go and see her every weekend and even during the week sometimes. I think this was the worst thing i could do.

 

Based on that post, i do think it is too late for her and i now. I have acted needy for too long both before and 2months since the break up and she has all the power, and with NC i dont really have the chance to arrest any of that back from her. NC really is all about me healing now. But i need to have the will power to get through it. I still love her though.

 

Thanks again RealDeal

 

EDIT: The drinking thing, i just wanted to go out and socialise, but i have been drinking heavily since this all started back in January and now i take it as part of the weekend activities. I said to myself i would stop, but i really don't want to spend a night at home after training or the gym, or on a saturday, on my own with just me and my head. I used to love just chilling out, watching a bit of TV and playing the XBox.

[token09]

Just been sitting and thinking the last half an hour, and i suppose this is quite a big problem in my NC recovery.

 

The fact that i was so independent before, and i did do a lot of things before (at times to cope with the LDR and keep busy so i wasnt just always longing for her) means that it is difficult to say to myself now that i am going to focus even more on me, as that's what i was doing anyway. I had got bored of this routine and wanted to start doing a lot more activities with her. go cycling, but with her. go to the gym, but with her. go fishing, but with her. go to the football, but with her.

 

How do i adjust from that? How do i keep myself busy when i have been keeping myself busy for so long? That makes it difficult to stop thinking about her, there arent many new activities i can actually take up??? this has peed me off again, what am i meant to do????

[Real Deal]

One word for you - passion! What is your TRUE passion/purpose in life? If you don't know what it is figure it out and your life will be great. Everything else will fall into line around it. And no, it is usually never too late even if you were needy and begged, etc. However, it will take time for that to fade and for you to get your power back. Do not focus on her but on you. Like I said in my first post. Just stay cool and relax. It is not a sprint but a marathon. Depending on how pathetic you were with her it may take up to a year for her to want you back but you CANNOT wait on this. HUGE mistake. Oddly enough she will not likely want you until you have moved on (whether with another woman or not).

 

Now go say hi to 10 woman today that are total strangers. Not to get over your ex either but just do it.

[token09]

Lol. Cheers realdeal, that's cheered me up! Sadly it's the end of my day and there are no women in my house, so 10 is a push!!

 

I really amnt trying to focus on her, or wanting to wait on her, I really want to move on in my head and heart. I just hope I can.

 

Hopefully day 3 update in the morning.

[token09]

NC DAY 3

 

It's been a tough few hours of soul searching since I posted last night on here.

 

I'm proud of myself that i have made it this far, but i am genuinely struggling to keep it together. My friends have said take care of yourself, do what makes you happy. but the thing is, in the relationship, i always did do what made me happy. I was never under the thumb, if i wanted to go on a night out, or a football match, or to play sports, or a lads weekend then i never had to ask, i just did. It was the perfect relationship for me, but i knew with the LDR, doing all these things made it difficult for us to keep going. The only reason we stayed together at times was because we shared such a close bond, which you have to have if you are only getting to see each other a couple of times a month for the past few years. But that's the hing, we were deeply in love and the reason she essentially left was because i hadnt made a solid commitment sooner, and essentially she was hurt and fed up of missing me so much. So i can't blame her for moving on if some other guy, living around the corner from her, makes her happy, simply because he is there.

 

I wanted to do less of what i wanted and more of what we wanted together, as did she. I was making changes to that effect to give space and make a future for us in a way that we built on the close bond we shared and took us into forever. she had already been there, she had already made that emotional commitment to us way before i did. The problem was that i did too much of what i wanted during the relationship. but i had learnt and grown from that and was looking to move forward.

 

I'm on the edge of tears all the time and its a horrible, especially when i'm the fun one in a world of geeks! been told i'm being stand offish with people now. I'm not me and i don't like that. I want out of this rut.

[token09]

NC DAY 4

 

Today has been the hardest day yet. I think it's just the weekends that are hard. Had decided I was going to have a sober evening, but nearly gave up on that as I couldn't stop thinking about her, so began to thing that getting drunk was the solution. I'm glad I haven't but I do feel so low.

 

Have also spoken to people today, and there may be an opportunity to move to the big smoke 500 miles away for a new job, and I suppose a new life. I am seriously considering this as it will let me get a clean break from here, and I suppose a clean break from her. But at the same time, I dont want to make any impulse choices based on the last 6months, and I don't want to make any wrong choices. But what if it really is a good opportunity??

 

Any advice would be helpful.

 

Thanks

[Silverbirch]

Hi Token,

This has been my best weekend yet since the b/u, and when I really think about it, before the b/u (apart from a little crying, etc, but much better). This was the first weekend where I actually planned to meet with specific people and do things with them. I did get an invite out of the blue last night to go see some live music. I work every second weekend, but I'm going to make a point now of trying to plan ahead and not just let weekends happen. I had a nice time, but do realise that my confidence is a little down. My friends tried to talk me into starting up conversations with people (men) on the other side of the room, but I just can't do that yet.

 

I also realised that there are heaps of good places to go and things to do not too far from where I live, and maybe I will even ask friends if they want to come out and stay (live outside the city) and show them the sites.

 

I really think that having all this contact with her is messing with your head and heart. I'm much better for NC. Even when I had to have contact re my property, it upset me for days. Thing is that even if you were to get back together at some later point, some people say that it's not good to be reading meaning into everything she says because at this point in time, she could be messed up herself and not know what she wants.

 

If you do move, you might be even lonelier unless you already have friends at where you are planning to move.

[token09]

Hi silverbirch

 

I'm glad that you have had a good weekend. I know what you mean about speaking to people, it is difficult, and it's something I hope to get better at when I am attracted to a girl (I amnt a shy guy and could talk to anyone who speaks back tbh!!)

 

I have got to the stage where I don't want her back, and the longer she is with another guy, the less chance I would give her to even talk about it at a later time. I will always love her more than anyone, and care about her with all my heart, but she has hurt me deep.

 

The person i have spoken to about work is my uncle who works for a big company in London. I have a lot of family and friends down there already, and at this moment in time the thought of branching out there kind of excites me. But like I said, I hope it isn't just impulse.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks for the well wishes Token. If you have family and friends in London and if this is a good employment move, then definitely worth considering.