My long-distance marriage

[ClarenceRutherford]

I guess my age must be coming thru, but I really think MARRIAGE and a pledge to honor each other for a lifetime shouldn't be "game over" because one mate loses their libido.

 

FM stated that in an earlier thread that unless he started getting sex he was heading for divorce.

 

Or what if one partner gets a physical impairment where they can't have sex then OK I'm outta here according to the statements I'm hearing.

 

It just seems folks tend to take marriage as a convenience just for themselves anymore. But, again I'm old so maybe I see it differently.........

No, I don't take marriage as a "convenience." I admit I didn't spend a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of marrying her when we dated for 2-3 years when I was in my early 30s. Marriage just seemed a natural thing to do. Really, didn't see any other way.

 

My parents divorced when I was 5. I have always been against divorce and didn't want a divorce as it would be an acknowledgement of a failure on both our parts.

 

Before we married, my wife told me that as a Catholic, she would never initiate divorce.

I recently reminded her of that.

She told me, "I'm not Catholic anymore."

I told her I'm holding her to that premarital declaration.

 

If you read the thread you referenced, I quickly turned my views around and decided against seriously considering divorce, despite some posters on Love Shack and ENA suggesting divorce would be best and claimed she was obv. seeing someone else... (She's not).

 

Only said I was considering divorce. Never told her that I was even thinking about it.

But people here are using those words against me. Fair enough as I did state that.

 

I admit I was scared to say anything about divorce, not knowing her reaction and not really wanting to go through with it.

 

Didn't want to go the ultimatum route as some other posters on another board told me ultimatums might backfire. link removed

I don't post on that board anymore after getting upset with how some posters reacted to a post I made. Thought what I posted would help them. Some of them prefer to remain in their misery and attacked me. Go figure.

 

Instead, I think we can improve this marriage and enjoy some physical intimacy again.

Even if it's not intercourse all the time (1-3X a week) like I want, perhaps other things like sexual touching, etc., that can hold me over and show she loves me that way?

 

I really need that in my life now as I close in on 50... (I turn 49 this month)...

 

But, again I'm old so maybe I see it differently

If I can ask a lady her age, how old are you anyway? You don't have that in your posting info.

[lady00]

I don't think there is anything wrong with considering divorce. It's one of many possible paths. I do, however, think that having things continue on the way they have been probably will be extremely difficult to maintain on your part. I can't imagine staying in a relationship in which I feel continually rejected and frustrated. And this isn't just about sex is it? It's about the intimacy that a couple in love feels. If she is happy with the way things are she's not wrong or a bad wife. She just might not be compatible with you. It's not about blame in my eyes. She's not bad or wrong and neither are you. You have different needs. If you're not happy with the level of intimacy, and nothing changes you can't just magically make yourself happy with the situation. I'm sorry I don't have much to offer in the way of advice.

[lady00]

I should add that I know what it feels like to be left by someone in part due to a lack of intimacy (there were other problems in the relationship). I don't blame him. Not one bit. We had different needs and he was continually frustrated. I don't wish that upon him. I hope he finds someone that is compatible in all ways (including in terms of intimacy). I want him to have that and to be happy and not frustrated. Of course, at the time of our breakup I was upset but in retrospect I can understand why he couldn't continue with things like that and I don't blame him for wanting something different.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Just an update here:

We are seeing each other this weekend. She's to fly in tonight. This will be month between visits.

 

In an IM earlier this week, did tell her that I was planning to play it cool and not pressure her, but that I really didn't want her to "automatically" deflect me this weekend.

(Yes, spouses do that - it becomes a habit - and I read of one spouse doing that in Intimacy & Desire)

I told her I wanted to express my love in that way and really hope she'd be willing....

 

So hopefully, we will get closer this weekend.

This is also a special weekend in that it's my birthday.

 

So wish me well.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Just an update here:

We are seeing each other this weekend. She's to fly in tonight. This will be month between visits.

 

In an IM earlier this week, did tell her that I was planning to play it cool and not pressure her, but that I really didn't want her to "automatically" deflect me this weekend.

(Yes, spouses do that - it becomes a habit - and I read of one spouse doing that in Intimacy & Desire)

I told her I wanted to express my love in that way and really hope she'd be willing....

 

So hopefully, we will get closer this weekend.

This is also a special weekend in that it's my birthday.

 

So wish me well.

An update

the three-day weekend went very well.

 

Like the other visit in Feb., it was like a great date. We did things together and with friends and didn't just remain in this empty house, though I would have relished just spending time with her on the couch, talking with her, holding her, touching her...

 

During our time together, I flirted with her, held her hand in public, and made it known to her that I was glad to be with her...

 

Whilst sleeping together during two of our three nights together, I found my hands caressing her in the middle of the night with little resistance.

 

Sunday afternoon, we got to holding and cuddling with each other.

During the longgggg kissing, I slowly began lightly touching her around the periphery of her breasts outside of her shirt, and slowly went farther. It was kind of fun trying to unbutton her bra, and brought back memories of something that was often hard to do with one hand when we dated. She laughed as well and asked what I was "up to..."

 

It proceeded from there and the next thing you know, we were naked. I told her I wanted her to tell me when she wanted me as I wanted to give her maximum pleasure (didn't want to be a 5 min. man anymore), and how it's not all about me- but her pleasure.

 

I seduced her again later that eve. but was prematurely cut short bec. of pain she experiences. She told me it hasn't been enjoyable for her bec. LM brings pain in her. I'm going to recommend she visit a gyno.

 

So I'm pleased and think we can ramp this up, as I told her I wanted. Told her I didn't want this to be a one-time thing, like a birthday present.

[ClarenceRutherford]

On the making moves with her, I remembered the advice I was given here to take it slowly and not put too much pressure on her.

That's what I did, though I wasn't passive and certainly wanted some LM as we haven't seen each other in more than a month!

 

Note: I didn't ask if I could have her, I just made my moves.

[ClarenceRutherford]

On the making moves with her, I remembered the advice I was given here to take it slowly and not put too much pressure on her.

That's what I did, though I wasn't passive and certainly wanted some LM as we haven't seen each other in more than a month!

 

Note: I didn't ask if I could have her, I just made my moves.

On the "not askin'," I recall some poster advising to never ask a woman for sex.....

Just taking action vs. passively asking seems to give you a little more power...

 

Actually, it had been nearly 3 mos. since we last got physical.... So I was more than a little hungry, but tried to act nonchalant and like I could live without her.... Don't know how successful I was on that bec. I can't live without her.... She's pretty perceptive and figures out all the moves I try to make on her....

[ClarenceRutherford]

Wanted to post my thoughts on this earlier...

True, I've said, "Debbie, we're married now. Why can't we ML? I love you and you love me. Besides, if we ML, you'll forget what you were mad about earlier. ML also helps you sleep...

"Let's celebrate our love this way..." or some things (I know, corny) like that but of course those lines never work.

 

I find I can't argue her or persuade her with my logic to give herself to me.

I gotta get to her emotions.

.

Those lines don'r work because some of what you said is... well, crap.

 

ML doesn't make you forget what you were mad about and certaintly doesn't make me sleepy. Saying these tings you wife is only seeing it as you want ML and that's it.

Funny how I always want to fall asleep in her arms after the act.... She seems to fall asleep soon too, so I thought that was a good point (she has trouble sleeping most nights).

I'm thinking getting amorous thoughts toward each other might make you forget some slight the other partner made against you earlier in the day...

Trust me, there are many things I can overlook if I just had my way with her that evening....

[ClarenceRutherford]

She's flying here, so we have another 3-day weekend coming.

 

Imagine we will ML, but hopefully more than only once.

 

I told her I want another "anything goes" romantic weekend like we had with my birthday weekend.

That too was just once. Maybe I can get a triple-header like that one weekend afternoon/eve.

I think it can happen.

 

I'm not planning to "ask" her anymore. Am through with that.

After long periods of cuddling, I'll just make moves and see where it goes (after throwing in the appropriate "I love you's," "you're the only girl for me" etc.

I plan to be more forward in this.

 

We're married and she should know I have my needs: her. (Even if it is just long periods of intimate cuddling).

 

She's smarter than me on many things but I think I'm ahead of her on this and know more about sex and LM (thanks to those books, not my experience). She just needs some guidance and needs to get that desire for me back again.

 

 

Please wish me luck.

[OptomisticGirl]

Your focusing on it too much again. The goal is to want her to want you, not to force her to want you.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Your focusing on it too much again. The goal is to want her to want you, not to force her to want you.

I know it sounds like I want to move too fast....

.......but I miss the emotional and phyiscal intimacy and closeness we (implicitly) promised each other when we decided to spend our lives together...

 

Time is limited... only 3 days together before the next monthly visit comes...

She's trying to find work back here but that's not going so well.. She is planning to move back, so there's hope there.

 

If I just remain close to her with the cuddling and emotional and near-physical intimacy, that might "encourage" her... so it may seem "natural" when I proceed.... like it has during last month's visit where I kind of just made it appear I was "letting it happen" though I clearly had a plan....

 

Posted about that one night where we were sleeping in each other's arms. Found I was caressing her... I think in my sleep !!!

She seemed receptive and didn't "block" my hands... so may try that again.

Only tiredness prevented me from going farther... But think I'm going to try to go farther this time...

[Capricorn3]

so it may seem "natural" when I proceed.... like it has during last month's visit where I kind of just made it appear I was "letting it happen" though I clearly had a plan....

Lol, trust me, she would see right through this (I know I would). If I may be brutally honest? To me (and I think many women) your "plan" is so unbelieveably obvious it's almost as if you're wearing a huge red sign on your forehead. I have no doubt that she sees this sign too and sees right through it.

 

I strongly recommend you let things happen and proceed naturally, in the true sense of the word. Without your little plans. When it comes from the heart (on her part) and not manipulation on your part, then you'll know you have a good thing going.

 

I wish you luck.

[OptomisticGirl]

^^^ yep. Your plan blares like A neon sign. If you want things to go naturally, don't make plans.

[ClarenceRutherford]

^^^ yep. Your plan blares like A neon sign. If you want things to go naturally, don't make plans.

Meant "secret" or "ulterior" plans.

Wasn't gonna be as up-front about it, but move in for the kill when the signals change to green....

 

At least that's how it seemed to happen last time. Just moved in after a good period of cuddling. She didn't resist and actually welcomed me with her arms. I think she misses ne as well...

No questions asked or begging. Not gonna ask anymore. (I don't think I really ever begged).

 

I've posted a pic of her & I on our honeymoon in 1997 in my profile.... We've aged a little since then

(Were in our mid-30s then... when love was so new....)

Won't leave it up too long. Have posted it before and taken it down.... It's non-identifying...

[Capricorn3]

Meant "secret" or "ulterior" plans....

That's what we were talking about, lol. YOU may think they are "secret" and "ulterior", but they are/will be screamingly obvious to HER. Call it strong women's intuition - trust me, she will know what your "plans" are, lol.

 

Again, I can only strongly recommend you let things evolve naturally, as your "secret little plans" may well backfire leaving you back to square one and feeling empty. We don't want that happening again, right?

 

Btw, lovely pic

[OptomisticGirl]

As cap said, you don't need to have secret plans. We are women. A man oh so conveniently nudges our boob at night we know what he wants. You ain't fooling no one.

[ClarenceRutherford]

As cap said, you don't need to have secret plans. We are women. A man oh so conveniently nudges our boob at night we know what he wants. You ain't fooling no one.

Wow. How did you gals know I do that?

"Just an accident...."

Yeah, she doesn't fall for that one either.

 

This sounds like some good "inside information" I was seeking earlier.

 

Something I need to say

I'm sorry I got testy earlier in this thread. I took a lot of this sexual rejection from my spouse too personally. I was venting here and took out some of that anger/ disappointment on some of you. I apologize.

 

And I certainly don't want to say anything that makes me sound insensitive to victims of sexual abuse.

 

Under "Home Page" in my profile, I am placing some "then and now" pics, with one from this past Christmas, when I got that "triple header..." plus another one fro 1998....

Clarence Rutherford is a screen name. You may recognize the name from an old TV show character..

[OptomisticGirl]

We know because every man in the world tries it at some point. And we women aren't above it either. You really think it's convient that we stretch sometimes and our chest gets pushed out a lot? Nope.

[ClarenceRutherford]

We know because every man in the world tries it at some point. And we women aren't above it either. You really think it's convient that we stretch sometimes and our chest gets pushed out a lot? Nope.

Wow. Didn't know the bending was intentional. Of course, I see women do that.

I also see their breasts (like 3/4 of them !!!) when they bend down at checkout lines, waitresses in restaurants, etc. I suspect they darn well know what they're doing when they dress to get attention like that...

 

On my "purposeful accidental" moves, like, "No, I'm not 'up to' anything. Just hovering around the periphery..."

No, she doesn't fall for that one either. Methinks she's as perceptive as you gals and knew all too well what I was "up to" when we dated and how I tried to unbutton her.....

 

Why can't women just let things be and open up and let her guy do what he wants?

I won't abuse her or take advantage of her? Well... not too much...

Yeah, I prob. know the answer to that one as well.

 

*******

 

On that apology earlier, meant to say you gals are great women and I really appreciate your advice.

 

Thanks for letting me vent here.

[OptomisticGirl]

Its not always desire attention though, it's a fine line. I wear shirts but because of my breast size, anything of low cut just exposes myself when I bend over. I def don't do it to get attention.

 

Fr the simple fact she may just not be in the mood. I have a higher sex drive than my partner and if he isn't the mood that's fine, I'll just take care of it myself and we are in a major LDR.

[LostOne01]

As cap said, you don't need to have secret plans. We are women. A man oh so conveniently nudges our boob at night we know what he wants. You ain't fooling no one.

 

And as I say, we are men. A woman who oh so conveniently rubs their foot on our crotch under the dinner table we know what she wants.lol

[OptomisticGirl]

And as I say, we are men. A woman who oh so conveniently rubs their foot on our crotch under the dinner table we know what she wants.lol

 

To me that's a direct message, it takes some effort to extend your foot and rub someone's crotch. Nudging a boob while in bed isn't all that hard.

[LostOne01]

To me that's a direct message, it takes some effort to extend your foot and rub someone's crotch. Nudging a boob while in bed isn't all that hard.

 

It depends on how big the table is and how tall the partners are.lol

[truegrit]

For me all I need to do is just rub my foot on his while in bed and usually it's just to warm up my feet..........too late he ready to roar and takes it as a come on.

The OP needs to quite obsessing over this!!!!!!!! If my husband put as much worry, reading, discussing, chatting and studying about our sex life I would get turned off too.

[ClarenceRutherford]

She's flying here, so we have another 3-day weekend coming.

Imagine we will ML, but hopefully more than only once.

....

Please wish me luck.

We had a wonderful weekend.

We spent one of the days at the beach, sitting in the sun and talking. Had a nice meal that night in the resort city.

It was like a great date. God, I'm so glad I "wised up" and decided to begin to "date" her again.

 

Back in the room before bed time, we were holding each other and kissing on the bed (clothed). Said all the nice things like how much I love and need her, and am so lonely without her, and glad I married her and how none of the other women I dated in my 20s can hold a candle to her love....

 

I proceeded to caress her and didn't get deflected.

After a while, my hands went somewhere else, just for some outside the covers caressing (honestly). Tried to go inside the covers but got deflected. "Not yet....." was told.

No problem, as heading there was kind of fast... Was planning to take things slow, but got a green signal...

Learned later why I was deflected: she wasn't wearing ANYTHING... usually she has shorts and panties on...

 

So we were able to express our love that way, a way I want to express it much more often...

Tried not to make this TMI, but wanted to convey how I got less resistance....

Again, I can only strongly recommend you let things evolve naturally, as your "secret little plans" may well backfire leaving you back to square one and feeling empty.

 

We don't want that happening again, right?

No, we don't want that happening again. Thanks for your concern. And yes, I know what that feeling is like.

^^^ yep. Your plan blares like a neon sign. If you want things to go naturally, don't make plans.

Took you gals' advice and didn't make plans.

Did want to express my love sexually (I'm a guy, after all), but wasn't "planning" how it would go this way and that way. That was good bec. could have gotten my hopes crushed if the plan didn't go according to script.

 

Was planning for a long period of cuddling and see if it would "naturally" flow from there.

 

Btw, lovely pic

Thanks, Cap. She is beautiful. I really did well on that end. (I'm just a regular-looking guy who "married up."

 

Having several failed relationships with only once "getting close" to engagement at 26, my late 20s were not a period of great life enjoyment. That would soon change as she and I met 3 mos. after I turned 30...

 

But things are better on the physical end, so that's good.