My long-distance marriage

[ClarenceRutherford]

Have ratched it up to almost once a week for the past couple of months.... on a certain weeknight, we have seemed to ML, which is okay. Maybe less, maybe more, dunno. It's hard to remember.

But I want more.

 

It's been about 3 weeks since I don't know when.

Am hungry, dogwamit!!

Am getting tired (and sore) from all this MB'ing...

 

With all I'm going through, still am having more sex than when I was single.

2X through all my 20s and maybe 3X in HS....

 

So maybe can look at it from that view....

[OptomisticGirl]

Once a week isn't bad, especially if the two people lead productive lives.

[ClarenceRutherford]

She's seeing a gynocologist this week, so hopefully something will come out of that.... and she'll regain some desire for me.

[OptomisticGirl]

Why would her going to the OBGYN make her gain desire back for you? I'm confused.

[Oneironaut]

Coming into this thread late, but to answer your question, OG...because sometimes a loss of libido is a result of a hormonal imbalance of some sort, and only seeing a doctor can determine that. If it's a physiological problem, it could be corrected. If it's emotional/mental, well, that's a different story...

[OptomisticGirl]

Coming into this thread late, but to answer your question, OG...because sometimes a loss of libido is a result of a hormonal imbalance of some sort, and only seeing a doctor can determine that. If it's a physiological problem, it could be corrected. If it's emotional/mental, well, that's a different story...

 

No, I get that, but the OP made it sound like this was just a normal rountine in which he hoped something wrong was found since I can't remember him mentioning his wife saying she had a lose of libido in this thread.

[Oneironaut]

Ah, OK, my apologies then. I didn't read through all 18 pages, and that was my bad.

[ClarenceRutherford]

No, I get that, but the OP made it sound like this was just a normal rountine in which he hoped something wrong was found since I can't remember him mentioning his wife saying she had a lose of libido in this thread.

Think you misunderstand my postings, OG.

 

I think she does have a loss of libido.

We cuddle every night, am very affectionate, telling each other how much we love each other, etc., but she won't let me enter her or do other sexual things much more than once a week to once every three weeks....

Would love to do some less-sexual things like "everything... but" on nights she's not in the mood or doesn't want to give herself completely to me...

 

Posted some of that in this other thread.

 

 

(Think that one poster got a little graphic. And here I thought I was graphic in my posts...)

 

 

 

AN UPDATE:

Was gonna post this later, but this is as good a time.

 

The last time we ML, we cuddled with some foreplay for about 2 hrs. She told me to "get the lube" and like "get it over with" bec. it was "getting late."

Questioned her as I could continue the foreplay, wasn't really trying to "rush" things -- thought I was moving things along in due course.

 

We did our normal "missionary sex" but it was like she was only doing it for me. She just laid flat on her back with little involvement.

 

Have to go in slowly, as I've posted, as there's some pain.

Though I slowly pick up the pace -- and sometimes probe "too" deep or go "too" fast (it's hard to help not wanting to accelerate movement), am always asking her how it feels (in terms of her comfort)...

Probed a little deeper and she shook -- with pain, I sensed.

 

Was able to hasten the pace enough so I did get my release....

But somehow feel she didn't get much out of it.

 

 

I love her and I know she loves me. I have this sexual need I just have to have fulfilled -- and have told her I have to have her "more regularly..."

 

Don't want my pleasure to come at the expense of physical pain for her, so am thinking a gynocological exam and treatment could help restore our LM. There's no reason why the two of us can't be ML again like we did when we met....

[OptomisticGirl]

Many women can't do intercourse because of the pain it causes them, I remember a few from on here. Just don't hold your hopes out CR. A loss of libido in some is normal as we get older and the doctor my find nothing wrong.

[lady00]

Getting checked out by a doctor probably makes sense but if there is nothing physically wrong, then it might be psychological. Pain can be caused by something other than a physical problem. If a woman is not sufficient excited and into the moment it can cause a great deal of pain. And that may not be caused by anything you are doing--it may be something internal that doesn't necessarily have to do with you or the relationship. Only she can really get to the bottom of it at the end of the day if she is willing to talk to the people (like doctors, therapists) who might have some insight into how she is feeling, both physically and otherwise. If it is important to her, I'm sure she will start asking those questions.

[ClarenceRutherford]

and so it makes sense, when you said you were only interested her vagina for your pleasure. when did you realize a woman had needs too?

 

and because you only cared about your own pleasure, you basically did 'refuse' her, even when she asked for it. of course she'd initiate less and less the more she finds how much it's centered on you.

bet after you came that was the end of it! .

How'd you know?

[GrowingIn]

I have been reading through this thread, and it's been quite humorous to read at times but I can also empathize with this man's feelings. Listen, no offense but I just think you are much too young and modern to keep giving this man advice. A lot of people in healthy relationships DO actually schedule sex although I also gotta admit, it usually slows down as you get older. He's old school mentality and most likely, so is his wife. And you are not. And a lot of the things he mentions, are actually quite true in a traditional marriage. Things such as spousal obligation, versus independent desire and belonging to somebody versus "being with somebody" are all old school versus new school mentality.

 

Also, most MEN do equate sex and love and a lot of women today do not understand that. To a lot of guys, you having sex with him means you love him. It's the main reason men used to only marry virgins. Guys can act like that their entire lives while women typically only feel that one time, and it's when you fall in love and marry the guy who takes your virginity. Now I understand you have been through your own unfortunate circumstances that were beyond your control, and can empathize with that as well, but I bet if you ask a woman who has only been with ONE man her whole life you will find she also has a hard time separating sex from love do as well. Sex with her partner still means something. The act alone.

 

Frankly when it comes to people making a marriage last, the old way, has thus far been proven to actually be the most effective and while Clarence doesn't seem to have a good understanding on meeting the needs of a woman(that was not actually something men ever had to worry about), I at least have to commend him for taking the effort and trying, including reading books, etc. That's a lot more than most men his age would do. If you will notice the thought of divorce never even actually crossed his mind.

 

Clarence, with every single line you have posted here, it just screams out you are sexually frustrated. First of all, own it. Second of all, yes it's understandable that you are. And no there is nothing wrong with expecting your wife to take care of your sexual needs. However, something is going on with her and while I understand how frustrating it must be to put your frustration aside in order to focus on the problem it is something you should really try to do.

 

I'm just going to take a stab in the dark here....but is it possible your wife is going through menopause or better said "men on pause"?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think age has anything to do with it. It doesn't take a old rocket scientist to know the signs of a happy marriage - and clearly for whatever reason, the OP's wife isn't (in this regard). I as a highly driven sexual female know were the OP is coming from to a point. If I could, I would have sex about every other day but that isn't how my fiancé is. It isn't all about me, me, me in our soon to be marriage, it's also about him. And I as the higher sex drive of the two have to realize that theree will be times I want to have sex wit him and for whatever reason, he doesnt. Yes, as you go through your marriage and have kids and live life you do have to schedule sex - but that's completely different than what th OP is doing. He comes accross as seeing have sex once a week not enough. - when in a life were two people work full time and raise kids, it's pretty average.

 

Yes, as a couple you can do things to improve the sex life but there is also a time were the ouple has to stop shifting blame. She doesn't want sex so he thinks something is wrong with here, he wants too much sex so she thinks he doesn't care. It's compromise. The OP isnt going to get laid 3 times a week for th next 20 years every single week. It's just not going to happen. In his most recent posts he comes accross as being highly put off that the number of times isn't consistent each week - but it won't be. Life happens. This is what I mean by scheduling. Setting a certain number to do every week and then feeling hurt when you don't reach that number, puts more pressure on his wife who already isn't up to par with is sex drive. She can be feeling smothered and nothing turns a woman off sex more than bring smothered.

 

I'm only 23 but even I know you aren't always going to get sex three times a week for the rest of your life.

[ClarenceRutherford]

He comes accross as seeing have sex once a week not enough.

We aren't at weekly.... that would be sooooooooooo much better than what it is now: once every 3 weeks or so. So hardly even "monthly."

 

Yes, as a couple you can do things to improve the sex life but there is also a time were the ouple has to stop shifting blame. She doesn't want sex so he thinks something is wrong with here, he wants too much sex so she thinks he doesn't care. It's compromise. The OP isnt going to get laid 3 times a week for th next 20 years every single week. It's just not going to happen.

That makes sense.

 

This is what I mean by scheduling. Setting a certain number to do every week and then feeling hurt when you don't reach that number, puts more pressure on his wife who already isn't up to par with is sex drive. She can be feeling smothered and nothing turns a woman off sex more than bring smothered.

Sensible as well.

In his most recent posts he comes accross as being highly put off that the number of times isn't consistent each week - but it won't be. Life happens.

 

I read what other couples do, here and on boards like link removed, read about their sexual practices like "snowballing" and how they have lots of lovemaking.... something that seems unattainable for my marriage...

 

We don't have children and her job while challenging like all others, she's not there 12 hrs. a day.

So methinks there's something physically wrong with her.

 

She should want me.

At least weekly.

And it's killing me.

[OptomisticGirl]

Once every three weeks is a bit odd, I admit, but you also have to prepare yourself CR for the fact she may have just lost her libido and isn't as into it as you are. This doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid but it also means neither are her's. No one wants to do something they aren't 100% into. 'lots of love making' also doesn't account for every single year of their marriage. It's a matter not to compare your marriage with others but to view it as it's own.

[GrowingIn]

Once every three weeks is a bit odd, I admit, but you also have to prepare yourself CR for the fact she may have just lost her libido and isn't as into it as you are. This doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid but it also means neither are her's. No one wants to do something they aren't 100% into. 'lots of love making' also doesn't account for every single year of their marriage. It's a matter not to compare your marriage with others but to view it as it's own.

 

The fact that she lost her libido as you say SHOULD also be a concern for her. At least he's trying. Maybe he doesn't know who to bring out the emotional side of her. Maybe he does come accross as just wanting to have sex. Maybe he is turning her off as you say. Maybe he should be taking her rather than asking her. But the fact remains, it is a problem in their marriage. And whether they are dealing with physical issues, medical issues, loss of libido, boredom, whatever the case may be, she SHOULD be actively trying to work on this issue as well. It sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

It's like this. If I have a total loss of libido I'm not going to sit there and deny the simple fact that my spouse's needs are probably not being met and as much as it may bother me, I would at least try to find some way of satisfying her needs because I know she still has them. I'm not going to go, well since I'm no longer interested, don't expect me to care about the fact that you still need to have sex. "I now want a sexless marriage, and it's my body, so I'm sorry but you're going to have to accept it!" And if it's a case of me not wanting her because she's doing something that's turning me off....I'm at least going to try to alert her to the issue, and help her figure out a way of how to turn me on!

 

Clarence, I wonder if you have ever actually asked her WHY? And also asked how come she doesn't view this as a concern or a problem? I hate to say this, and certainly don't want to insinuate anything, but women do tend to lose interest in sex if they begin having an emotional affair with someone else. Are you certain there isn't something more going on here?

 

I have come to this belief. If you start experiencing a loss of feelings for me or attraction , as your partner(either because of something I am doing, or something you are doing), and you do NOTHING about it, it's half your fault. We have control over our own feelings, and if you ever feel like you are losing attraction or love for your partner, it doesn't mean shut down and keep this to yourself, it should mean...."what do I and my partner need to do so I get them back?" I think you are just as responsible over maintaining your feelings of affection and interest in your partner as whatever your partner may be doing to affect them. If you simply blame your partner, for your loss of interest, then that's basically saying only your partner can do something about your feelings. And it becomes twice as bad when you keep this to yourself and just sit around and wait for that person to figure it out!

 

If this mentality is what we use in break ups, when we advise ourselves and others that we are responsible for how we feel, then why should it be any different when we are in a relationship with someone? We are at all times half responsible for what we feel towards them. It shouldn't be my responsibility alone to keep YOU interested in me at all times.

[OptomisticGirl]

What if it's not a concern to her? What if she just doesn't care one way or another? Yes, while the OP deserves to hear this so he can make a decision on the marriage, she also has a right to not want sex anymore. Is it right? Probably not but what is he going to do - force her to have sex when he knows she doesn't want it? Is that really going to be okay for him?

[GrowingIn]

What if it's not a concern to her? What if she just doesn't care one way or another? Yes, while the OP deserves to hear this so he can make a decision on the marriage, she also has a right to not want sex anymore. Is it right? Probably not but what is he going to do - force her to have sex when he knows she doesn't want it? Is that really going to be okay for him?

 

Ok are you reading your own words? Because if my SO other said that to me, and I have tried the best I could to fix the issue, then you just gave me a free pass to 1) go satisfy my needs somewhere else or 2) leave you.

 

You should really slow down your road to marriage if you think like that.

[GrowingIn]

Actually let me go a step beyond that, and say that if the partner communicates that to another("I just don't care about what you want or your needs").....then it's kind of like them wanting out, but not having the guts to say it, and getting you to do it.

 

Marriage is no different than a career or a job. It really isn't. If you go to work and say: "I don't care about performing my duties anymore"....you may not be quitting, but you sure as heck are asking to get fired.

 

Which is not only insulting, but cowardly too.

[OptomisticGirl]

Ok are you reading your own words? Because if my SO other said that to me, and I have tried the best I could to fix the issue, then you just gave me a free pass to 1) go satisfy my needs somewhere else or 2) leave you.

 

You should really slow down your road to marriage if you think like that.

 

I don't think like that, but it's very possible the OP's wife just doesn't want sex, at all, anymore. I know someone (older couple) who the wife no longer wants sex. At all. She just doesn't see the need for it anymore. Is her husband cranky? Of course, and of course he then has the option to a) cheat or b) leave her or c) stay in the marriage and deal with it. He chose c. But no one would have faulted him for choosing a or b.

 

Again, the OP has a right to have a marriage filled with sex. No one is saying he doesn't. But on the same hand, his wife has the right that if she has reached a stage she no longer wants it, she has that right. And on that, he then has the options to cheat, stay with her, or leave.

[civilservant]

At the risk of stating the blindly obvious, sex isnt everything. Furthermore, it dosent equate to a healthy marriage in all cases.

[Seraphim]

Actually let me go a step beyond that, and say that if the partner communicates that to another("I just don't care about what you want or your needs").....then it's kind of like them wanting out, but not having the guts to say it, and getting you to do it.

 

Marriage is no different than a career or a job. It really isn't. If you go to work and say: "I don't care about performing my duties anymore"....you may not be quitting, but you sure as heck are asking to get fired.

 

Which is not only insulting, but cowardly too.

 

You can not compare a marriage to a job or career. Companies do not give one hoot about you whatsoever, your partner does.

 

Also too what about people who take anxiety and depression medications and have no drive whatsoever, should we divorce those people because there is no sex? Whatever happened to in sickness and in health?

[GrowingIn]

I don't think like that, but it's very possible the OP's wife just doesn't want sex, at all, anymore. I know someone (older couple) who the wife no longer wants sex. At all. She just doesn't see the need for it anymore. Is her husband cranky? Of course, and of course he then has the option to a) cheat or b) leave her or c) stay in the marriage and deal with it. He chose c. But no one would have faulted him for choosing a or b.

 

Again, the OP has a right to have a marriage filled with sex. No one is saying he doesn't. But on the same hand, his wife has the right that if she has reached a stage she no longer wants it, she has that right. And on that, he then has the options to cheat, stay with her, or leave.

 

Actually I would argue that if his wife truly doesn't want sex anymore, but also still cared about him and his needs, she would verbalize what you are talking about to him, and at least propose to him an alternative. It's one thing to no longer want sex, express that you are no longer willing to fulfill your partner's needs but still care enough to explain he has a right to get his needs met by other means and you are even willing to help. It's another to completely ignore the fact that your partner still has that need and you could care less how or if he gets them filled. What you are saying goes beyond just not wanting to have sex. It basically screams out "I don't care about you".

 

Again, that sounds more like someone who wants out but wants YOU to do it. The view of his wife's attitude that you are describing is basically that of complete indifference which only means one thing: "it's over". I hope that's not the case here so let's not jump to conclusions.

[GrowingIn]

You can not compare a marriage to a job or career. Companies do not give one hoot about you whatsoever, your partner does.

 

Also too what about people who take anxiety and depression medications and have no drive whatsoever, should we divorce those people because there is no sex? Whatever happened to in sickness and in health?

 

You're taking what I said a little too literally and I don't advocate divorce if there is a medical condition involved. However, I do believe that the person with the condition needs to understand their condition is preventing their partner from living a healthy life and still needs to participate in fixing THEIR problem and helping their partner get their needs met. However so far there hasn't been an indication of this in here.

 

PS: You should be going to work for money and for the fact that you want to be productive and it makes you feel good to do a good job. That should always be your primary reason. Companies care about you as long as you are fulfilling your obligations to them. And marriage is no different. I don't care how much you care about me, if one day I decide to stop working, paying bills, having sex with you, and taking care of the kids and the only reason I give you is "because I no longer want to"......you are not going to stay with me. Are you? If you will, when can I move in?

[ClarenceRutherford]

issue solved. msg. edited