ClarenceRutherford Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Want to update this here: She's moving back in early June. So we'll be living together again after living in separate states since July.... Man, IT WAS ALMOST A YEAR !!! We can sleep together again. Things are going to be different, as I've told her. I'm going to try to cuddle with her every night..... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 She is moving back soon, but I'm not being precise bec. of anonymity. May change my screen name to something less geographic-specific, as I don't want her seeing these posts... Am planning to help with the move soon... so will see her in a matter of weeks or days... Cannot wait to be just be able to sleep next to her and set on the couch with her, and "do all those things I told you in the Midnight Hour (quoting a famous Wilson Pickett '60s song...). Have promised to her I'm going to be like a new man... and not take her for granted anymore. Am not going to merely "ask" her if we can ML, like I used to, but put some effort into it through cuddling, as women seem to prefer. She knows my physical needs -- her -- and I haven't been reticient to tell her I really want to be together sexually with her like we used to do in dating and beyond.... Let's just say "twin spins" weren't uncommon on some weekends when we dated in that LDR... Said something to her on the phone the other night, indicating I was wanting to do something with her, and she said, of course. Methinks she misses our physical relationship as well.... Maybe all the time apart (since last summer) may bring us closer.... as my mother said. Trust me, I realize I have to understand her needs and be more patient. Also understand what A Bit Broken, Janeiac and other female posters have said in this thread and some other threads I've started on ENA: I have this "script" of expectations. Am trying hard not to rely on that and just let our relationship flow as it should.... Have read over some of the posts here and trying to take them to heart... Also know much more about emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, thanks to the books and advice I've gotten on these boards... More later. Link to comment
Janeiac Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 Floridaman, I'm happy for you that your ladylove will soon be back in your arms. Remember not to push it, and don't set up expectations. She knows what you want, and you know you can get it, so be gentle. I'm concerned for her that you mentioned she was experiencing pain. This is not normal and warrants an immediate checkup with a gynecologist. There is no reason to be shy about telling a doctor of symptoms. Please try to encourage her to make an appointment. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 Take it one day at a time, don't rush things or get yourself twisted up in a knot if you have a problem or two here and there. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 15, 2011 Author Share Posted May 15, 2011 Floridaman, I'm happy for you that your ladylove will soon be back in your arms. Remember not to push it, and don't set up expectations. She knows what you want, and you know you can get it, so be gentle. Thanks Jane, for the very thoughtful and instructive post. Am very expressive (maybe too expressive, read my posts so she clearly knows what I want and need. No, I don't talk graphically about sex with her nor use coarse language. As my posts indicate, I'm a rather sexually conservative guy who's awakened. I'm concerned for her that you mentioned she was experiencing pain. This is not normal and warrants an immediate checkup with a gynecologist. There is no reason to be shy about telling a doctor of symptoms. Please try to encourage her to make an appointment. I have suggested she see a physician. She one time ended our session prematurely bec. of pain, even using the lubrication, so this is something she needs to do. Take it one day at a time, don't rush things or get yourself twisted up in a knot if you have a problem or two here and there. This is very good advice as well, 2sided. Thanks for your input here. The good news is I'm not paranoid anymore about her possibly emotionally withdrawing or "checking out." That never was a real issue, just a fear. Methinks it's best to just "go with the flow.." Cuddle with her more and try to proceed if the timing seems good. May get deflected, but never push it. Only move forward if I get a green light. Just maybe act a little non-chalant and not expect anything. I want to ramp this up to weekly, which would be a couple of times on weekends, and maybe shoot for 3X a week, but that may be expecting too much at this stage..... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 15, 2011 Author Share Posted May 15, 2011 What Janeiac recommends, playing it cool, no pressure and being "non-chalant," makes a lot of sense. Kind of similar to the thoughts expressed in this thread: link removed Originally Posted by xxoolink removed Right now, he seems to NEED this relationship so much that he is sacrificing his self-worth to pursue someone who doesn't want him. If he forces his focus elsewhere, and slowly starts to honestly care less, he will be in a better place to leave if it becomes clear that she also couldn't care less. Exactly, it's like if they were not married and he used this approach to pick her up it would never work. What doesn't work in the dating world, doesn't work in a relationship. Yes, the referenced thread was about the same poster. Different forum, diff. responses. Link to comment
Janeiac Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 "Don't act too needy" is the main point, I think. Yes, of course you need the physical part of the relationship, that is normal. But if you push it, you won't get it. The best way to get it is to invite it. "Sexy" to a woman is showing you care for her and respect her. I think you are on the right track. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 "Don't act too needy" is the main point, I think. Yes, of course you need the physical part of the relationship, that is normal. But if you push it, you won't get it. The best way to get it is to invite it. "Sexy" to a woman is showing you care for her and respect her. I think you are on the right track. Thanks, Jane. You are a wise woman and one that offers good advice. I've really appreciated your input in this thread -- and to some of other threads I participate in -- and of course am thankful for the others who've responded. You've been a big help and I want to thank you. Am happy to say we're leaving a once sexless marriage. I plan to ramp it up, as I stated, but need to do that with caution bec. I need her concurrence, of course. Plan to post some other random thoughts about the changes I'm planning to make.... So everyone, please bear with me. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Until recently, we haven't regularly cuddled in YEARS. Maybe we did cuddle here and there, but I can't really remember doing it that much. Am making a more concerted effort to cuddle with her now, whether it leads to LM or not... Told her I plan to cuddle with her every night.... and how that would be one of the things that would be diff. with her and I. On the phone the other day, told her it's going to be like a diff. relationship. She won't see the same FM or ClarenceRutherford. The driving force, I've told her, is how I want to return emotional intimacy to our marriage. Am hoping the LM follows...image removed Over Christmas, she told me she thought I had become "too complacent" (in the past). Reading the Intimacy & Desire book I referenced earlier (a very good read), I see how some spouses find having sex with their partners unappealing if it comes to the point to where the other "expects" sex... In the past, I think I had become one of those spouses who "expected" her to... Hadn't really put any effort into romancing or wooing her. Used to "initiate" by asking her if we could "go to bed early tonight." Yup, real appealing. Guess I had forgotten the meaning of romance She says she finds the cuddling and kissing very intimate... And recommended I initiate sex through that intimacy... If it happens, it happens, but am through "asking" her. Link to comment
LostOne01 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 All I gotta say is good luck to ya man, but I wouldn't be surprised if you found out...... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 All I gotta say is good luck to ya man, but I wouldn't be surprised if you found out...... Don't know why you'd think things are amiss. After all, we ARE married. Were only physically -- not maritally -- separated. No one ever even hinted at the possibility of a divorce, thank God. She didn't HAVE to return. If she truly wanted to leave me, I'd think she'd stay there and leave me here. All her belongings (and none of mine) are with her out of state... so it would seem an "easy" way to end this marriage. She does tell me she loves with, often without me saying it first. We do miss each other and have been together since the mid-90s. I don't think either of us could see ever living without each other.... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I don't think we did a lot of cuddling through a lot of our marriage. Can't remember when it stopped, though we used to do a lot of that when we dated, which often led to sex.... I don't think sex was that regular while we were married. I think it was maybe once a week or less. Am not complacent anymore and am not "expecting" sex, as the book Intimacy & Desire notes. It sure won't be less than once a month.... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Will write more about this later, but want to report how we are much more emotionally and sexually intimate than we have been in a long time.image removed More to come... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 A few updates here. PM'd this info. to another ENA'er, but think it needs to be in this thread. ******* She's returned from out of state. We've renewed our emotional connection, and we cuddle every night. That's bringing us a lot closer. I can't stand not to be in her arms. It looks like it's only LM on the weekends, plus maybe once during the week (I sometimes get close, but no cigar), but that's fine. As long as I can express my love to her that way more than once a month... or year, as it had been in the past. The other weekend night, she fell asleep in bed and said she'd awake at Midnight. She did awaken then and I... well... The thing I picked up on is that she wanted me to get my satisfaction.... so that's a good sign. Am constantly telling her romantic things, how much I missed her, how much I care for her, etc. Outside of the sex, which is much better now, it's like we're dating all over again. Am try to treat her like I did when we dated in the early-mid 90s.... When we hold each other, I hold her so tight and hold her tighter. It's like I can't get enough of her. Don't want to let her go..... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Am so frustrated !! So I'm trying to get us at "weekly" maybe 2X a week.... We ML Mon. night but nothing since... nor the weekend before, but maybe Thurs. night of the week before... (It's easy to forget. She's caught me forgettin "we ML just the other night..." Oh.... this weekend hasn't been "nothing..." Got to the caressing of her for an extended time -- for 2 NIGHTS IN A ROW -- which usually leads to going farther... so thought things would proceed.... but she started feeling uncomfortable with her back or something one night and got a headache the other night... She's always "tired" and "not in the mood..." Okay, one night this weekend I can understand. We both were tired from some physical activity around the home... BUT.... Tried to cuddle with her tonight on the couch. Get this stern reaction. "Don't do it..." I'm told... "No farther..." Made a point to tell me months ago not to "...schedule sex" as that's un-romantic to her... ...so I don't "schedule" sex but try to get to that through the cuddling, but keep getting rebuffed..... Seems like she's the one "controlling" or "scheduling" the sex... Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 You are scheduling it though. 'So I'm trying to get us at "weekly" maybe 2x a week'. Right there you are scheduling 2x a week and when she doesn't do it, you get frustrated... but you were the one that set this goal, not her. BAcks get tired, there will be weeks when she doesn't want to do it at all. I have a huge sex drive but you know what? After a long work week sometimes I don't want to deal with sex and can go a few weeks without it - and I have a huge sex drive. Don't set x amount for the week - just ENJOY the time. If she knows you are expecting 2x a week then yeah, I'd push you away too because you are scheduling and setting goals that don't deal with general life things. Things get in the way. If some family member were to die on a Friday would you go 'oh, sorry hunny, we haven't had our 2x this week!' Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Maybe I need to show some Non-Chalance, as I often advise others in dating scenarios. Roll over tonight in bed and act not interested, or even sleep elsewhere... Be not so "willing" to cuddle with her the next a.m. and pretend things are fine.... She appears to be setting "the schedule" here and is "controlling" our LM. I'm a partner here too... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I sense that she's getting frustrated because she KNOWS that when you cuddle with her, you are trying to get sex and that your INTENTIONS are to get sex. She's obviously very aware of this and that's why she responded the way she did (imo). Basically, you're once again pushing it and she's aware of it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 She isn't a schedule nor controlling it. If her back hurts, do you REALLY want her to have sex with you just to keep the 2x a week quota up? I Would feel horrible if my fiance's back was hurting and he had sex with me just to passive me. It has to be fun for the other person as well. Same way, do you want her having sex with you just to keep you quiet? Is that really moving forward or is that taking five huge steps back? Stop over thinking it! You won't have sex 2.5 times a week every week for the next 10 years. Life gets in the way. As I said, if something horrible happened one week, would you still expect sex then? She could be feeling smothered again. Just back off, cuddle but don't hold your expectations out on your sleeve. She can sense, I guarantee it when you are cuddling that you want sex, that it's leading to that. And that's were the pressure starts for her. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I sense that she's getting frustrated because she KNOWS that when you cuddle with her, you are trying to get sex and that your INTENTIONS are to get sex. She's obviously very aware of this and that's why she responded the way she did (imo). Basically, you're once again pushing it and she's aware of it. The responses here make sense. She isn't a schedule nor controlling it. If her back hurts, do you REALLY want her to have sex with you just to keep the 2x a week quota up? I Would feel horrible if my fiance's back was hurting and he had sex with me just to passive me. It has to be fun for the other person as well. Same way, do you want her having sex with you just to keep you quiet? Is that really moving forward or is that taking five huge steps back? She IS controlling the faucet. Of course, I understood her physical ills and was patient and stopped pressing her. But the next night when she wasn't tired? I didn't get a valid reason why we couldn't.... Stop over thinking it! You won't have sex 2.5 times a week every week for the next 10 years. Life gets in the way. As I said, if something horrible happened one week, would you still expect sex then? She could be feeling smothered again. Just back off, cuddle but don't hold your expectations out on your sleeve. She can sense, I guarantee it when you are cuddling that you want sex, that it's leading to that. And that's were the pressure starts for her.This makes a lot of sense. Guess I need to rethink things. Sorry. I get really frustrated and wanted to vent a little. Though I wasn't a virgin (lost mine wayyyyyy too early in HS at 17), treated women well and didn't press them for sex and had sex all of 2 separate times through my 20s before meeting my wife shortly after turning 30. Thought I was a "good guy" towards women, who truly wanted a relationship over pleasing my strong sexual desires. Am kind of regreting I didn't pursue women sexually and be a little more aggressive.... Some things held me back and you could guess what they were, as posted elsewhere... .....so I think I kind of "deserve" some things in life. One of them is a loving wife. Have posted this elsewhere but others reading this may not know my story.. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 You over thin,ing it again. If she still didn't want it the next night that is her valid reason. Again, would you want her to have sex with you just to keep you happy, even if she wasn't into it? Its suppose to be satisfying for both partners, not one doing it just so the other is satisfied. That will completely turn her off sex, I promise you. By all accounts she is a loving wife. Loving does not mean sexual. She may not be s huge sexual wife but she sounds loving from what else you have posted. Link to comment
truegrit Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I agree with OG. We've all said this before........you seem to be obessed with getting your wife to want to have sex with you! You do "over think" it and apparently on a daily maybe hourly basis. Your wife surely senses this and it's a huge turnoff. Also, you may just have to come to the realization that she just isn't that into having sex with you. Maybe the chemistry with you just isn't as strong as yours for her, but you can still have a good marriage and just accept that sex once in awhile is ok and still have a totally loving relationship outside of the bedroom. Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 MOVED MY RESPONSE FROM ANOTHER THREAD TO HERE... Floridaman, I think I can safely say most women have moments when we do not desire sexual contact, husband/boyfriend or not. It is never a man's RIGHT to have access to our bodies. Him trying to assert such a "right" is repulsive. You must create a situation of intimacy, love, and sharing in which she may choose to share with you sexually. My grandmother always said, "It just takes a couple of minutes. Even if you don't like it, it means the world to him and is one way he holds on to the intimacy." I always thought it was so funny she didn't like sex and that it only took a couple of minutes. I got her point, though. While no one should have to have sex when they don't want to, I certainly appreciate it when my husband is accommodating when he is tired. He doesn't have to do that. I return the favor, not because I am obligated, but because he wants/needs it, because it brings us closer together every time (or at least reinforces that bond), and because that's what being a grown up is all about ... doing stuff you may not want to do at this time, but is a beneficial or necessary thing to do. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 My grandmother always said, "It just takes a couple of minutes. Even if you don't like it, it means the world to him and is one way he holds on to the intimacy." I always thought it was so funny she didn't like sex and that it only took a couple of minutes. I got her point, though. While no one should have to have sex when they don't want to, I certainly appreciate it when my husband is accommodating when he is tired. He doesn't have to do that. I return the favor, not because I am obligated, but because he wants/needs it, because it brings us closer together every time (or at least reinforces that bond), and because that's what being a grown up is all about ... doing stuff you may not want to do at this time, but is a beneficial or necessary thing to do. That was my line of thinking in that original post, and I've softened my view on that. Of course, no spouse "owns" the other spouse's body, but.......... Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 If she goes weeks or months with saying she's tired fine, yes, to a degree you have a right to be upset. By one week? No, you are over reacting. Link to comment
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