Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Lady Rashomon]

That would be if once again you are not in proper connection with your emotions and that in fact you do love him and only discover that when it is too late.

 

Despite the apparent rationality of your posts my belief is that you are thoroughly confused emotionally and really have no idea what your feelings are and what they mean. I suspect you are on the verge of making a mistake that cannot be corrected and that you could end up bitterly regretting. This is far more complicated than a name change would imply. It is probably far more than the cheating would imply. i think that something went awry early in your life that has had a malign influence on you emotionally and that you need to get it fixed.

 

I think that you are heading for a world of hurt.

 

Of course it's complicated. But what is the alternative? Isn't it better to be miserable alone than to be miserable in a relationship, thereby making the other person miserable as well?

 

The source of my confusion has been the conflict I've felt regarding reconciling myself to how I am feeling. I have attempted to change the way I feel, to eradicate the doubt by conforming to other people's expectations of me.

 

Of course, something went VERY awry early in my life, but I suspect this is true for most of the people I know. I wasn't blessed with a happy childhood, but I've also done my best to address the consequences of my upbringing through therapy, a spiritual path, and the like. I don't know how else I can "fix" that. Everyone has personal demons. I'm not completely damaged goods.

[DN]

It's not what happened that is important now - it is how you deal with it. If your unhappy childhood means you have no trust in people who love you - then you can't love them. Or, more accurately, you can't allow yourself to admit that you love them for fear of being abandoned emotionally again.

 

I could be way off base here but I think your therapy and spiritual path have not worked for you - hence your predicament.

 

The reason your thread is filled with contradictions, uncertainties and additions is because that is reflecting how you are. And you are about to embark on another life-changing decision without being at all certain you are doing the right thing - not for the first time. Do you think that is wise? I don't.

[Fudgie]

You're right Insane Heart, I haven't. I hope I never do. I've never cheated and I've never been involved with someone who cheated. If he did cheat, he's out the door. Not worth it IMO.

[Tanzi]

Of course it's complicated. But what is the alternative? Isn't it better to be miserable alone than to be miserable in a relationship, thereby making the other person miserable as well?

 

Breaking up is an unpleasant experience, there is no doubt about that, but it doesn't mean to say you will be forever miserable. My husband left me and, as awful a time as it was, I am not living a miserable existence now. In fact I am happier than ever and I can now look back on all the things that were so wrong with my marriage. You may both be miserable or unsure for a while but you are giving yourselves the chance to find happiness elsewhere. Your husband isn't happy. He has said he can't go on like this. He was thinking of leaving. Something soon is going to give if things don't change and it sounds like that change has to come from you but if you aren't happy in your current situation you can't make yourself be. It sounds to me like you care for this man very much, maybe even love him, but you are not in love with him or if you are it is lost amongst your other conflicting feelings and you need to find that feeling again.

 

You deserve happiness and so does your husband. You could both find that eventually. Do you think that some time apart would do you both some good? It may give you both the space you need to take a good look at your marriage and give you an indication of how it feels to be apart.

[MinziGirl]

1. You cheated on him.

2. He tried to set a compromise - name change to his name.

 

3. You tried to work on the marriage - on your terms, not his.

 

I don't know how you are going to respond to this email but if i were you, i would take this before a counsellor & sit down with him & the counsellor to work this out very very seriously. Why will you not change your name to his? Maybe the compromise would be to add his last name into your name... e.g: Amanda Grant - Smith. Smith being the husband's last name & Grant being the maiden's name. Maybe that would work?

 

You see, you are not in the position to be stubborn about his terms to keep the marriage going. First: you refused to change your name - that is not nice but ok, i guess he respected your wishes. Then you cheated - that is NOT ok.

 

Perhaps it is high time that you listen & follow some of his wishes too to keep the marriage going & to keep this wonderful & honorable guy you have. Such guys are nor few in today's modern world.

[KinkyCousin]

I don't see why everyone is pushing for this name change. I personally would refuse to change my name if I were to marry too because in my eyes it is a symbol of patriarchy. I would not have a doubled last name either unless the man was to add my surname to his as well.

 

Now I understand this man is hurt by her infidelity, and it's horrible. I understand he's probably grasping for security desperately. But for her to change her name, well for me it'd just spark bitterness. Also, would it really help? Would it really make things feel better for him? I think it's a desperate attempt at security rather than a solution to his insecurity.

 

I think it would be better for these two to part ways, at least for a while. A name change would just add more problems to the mix if she feels strongly against it. He needs time to heal and figure out what he wants after betrayal and she needs to be strong enough to let him.

[DN]

I don't see why everyone is pushing for this name change.

It's probably moot now but the reason is simple - it woud have demonstrated a commitment to the marriage that had previously been lacking despite the wedding vows.

[Sanesoul]

It's probably moot now but the reason is simple - it woud have demonstrated a commitment to the marriage that had previously been lacking despite the wedding vows.

 

Yes. Marriage is hard work, and there is a lot of compromising involved. If one partner has grievously hurt the other, trust has been broken. That trust has to be built back up again. There are actions to show you have changed, and will not do it again, and there are symbolic gestures as well. I hadn't legally changed my name yet when I cheated on my husband. After we got back together, I did it on my own because I knew how much it meant to him.

 

My scenario I guess, is different because I was completely devoted to my relationship and very much wanted my husband to know I had changed and would not do this to him again. I did everything in my power to prove it to him, and now the trust between us is almost 100%.

 

I can tell you that the day I came home and told my husband that I had changed my name, he was almost giddy. That alone was probably the best thing I could have done to assuage his fears.

[Kash27]

DN I understand and partially agree with what you’re saying and in many cases I think you’re totally right: But what if she is just scared of the challenge and unfamiliarity that change brings. Sometime when you have been with someone so long that bond that has been created is like ripping off an emotional band aid, but does that mean we should leave it on even if the band aid needs changing?(not saying that the band aid would be another man). In other words you can't just leave a dirty band aid on and think just cause its covered the wound won't get infected soon the dirty band aid will cause the infection..

 

I know she loves him very much but the mental quagmire she’s been going through may mean it’s time to move on and it’s not the type of love that marriage is based on but that of a true meaningful friendship. Both are special yet and still are very different and easy to mix up for some people… usually the kind Hardboiled seem to be; kind, cautious, loving and compassionate.

 

It’s hard to hurt someone you love and she knows she did when she cheated on him and it tore her up and now it she’s faced with doing it again and the thought of her causing more pain to someone she really does love is killing her and I’m sorry but I don’t see the flaw in that. Her spiritual path is better than most people I know

[DN]

I think if you read her thread the love she has for him is not the sort that would sustain a marriage - not do I think cheating and being in a sham marriage is kind or compassionate or loving - people who feel those things for a partner don't cheat and hurt someone who loves them. I think she is very confused as is her husband along with his being very hurt. I am very surprised more people cannot see why this was so important to him especially since he has been proven right.

[Kash27]

Very true DN in a perfect world. But I find people are very complex and compassionate people make mistakes time and time again. I think we are all flawed and making numerous mistakes does not make you uncompassionate its makes you human. To say it's a sham marriage seems pretty harsh because from reading her threads it seems like she believed she was following her heart…Was she right well now we now maybe not but I don't feel like she did things with malicious intent.

 

I don't think she's as much confused as she is afraid.

 

But I do agree and understand the importance of the last name. I being an only child of my mom can understand. I know I would want my wife to have my last name at least hyphened as some sort of compromise if maybe her father had no one to carry on the family name. So maybe your right that was one of the many mistakes she may have made especially lying about it. But I also think it goes back to her wanting to be the nice guy and thinking too much about being a good person and trying to make him happy at a cost that obviously was too high for her, but she was afraid of the change not paying would bring so she used credit she didn’t really have. Look I know the whole thing if messed up, she admits that. But you really naive if you think that people don’t hurt the people they love.

 

The truth is we/people tend to hurt the people we closest to and love the most.

[AndiD]

I don't think she's as much confused as she is afraid.

 

I agree. What it has felt like to me throughout this thread was almost like she's looking for someone to tell her its ok to leave, and that it doesn't make her a bad person to leave. I could be wrong of course. HB?

[DN]

Hurting people can be a process which involves accidents. But sometimes it involves making cold, hard decisions about behaviour and cheating is one of them. How can that decision possibly be about making him happy? This is not the same thing as saying something without thinking. Cheating by having an affair when married involves deliberate choices, purposeful action, subterfuge and deceit. So let's not pretend that this has anything to do with love and kindness and consideration for a partner's feelings. It just doesn't. Subsequent actions may but it takes an awful lot to make up for the cheating and the OP clearly isn't prepared to do that.

 

Does this make her a bad person? Who knows? But whether she is or not isn't going to help her husband get over this extended and painful episode in his life - too many people seem to be forgetting him. If anyone in the sad story has been naive it would be him.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exactly. While I am almost giddy about changing my fiance to my fiance's name, I understand not all women want to. Not saying I understand why but I know not everyone woman does. However, I have been in the OP's husband's shoes (just not married) and I took my cheating ex back. Insane Heart is right, IF you are 1000% committed to the relationship/marriage and willing to make it up no matter what, a simple name change wouldn't matter to you this much. I'm sorry it wouldn't, because for me it would essentially be choosing my last name over my marriage/relationship.

 

But, as we have learned, the OP isn't invested that much in the relationship, and is probably one of the reasons why she was so against taking his name. I understand the whole 'don't want to lose yourself' but as Insane Heart said, if you truly love someone and hurt them, you are going to do everything within your human power to make that up to them. My ex didn't do everything to make that up to me and I could feel it and I bet more than anything the OP's husband can as well.

[Fudgie]

I agree. What it has felt like to me throughout this thread was almost like she's looking for someone to tell her its ok to leave, and that it doesn't make her a bad person to leave. I could be wrong of course. HB?

 

Yep...and that's what I told her. It's ok to leave and it doesn't make her a bad person. I really do believe that too.

 

If your heart isn't into a relationship, the right thing to do is to leave. Staying around accomplishes nothing but prolongs the pain when both parties could be off with someone else instead who is better for them.

[DN]

I guess I must be in a minority that says it's not OK to hurt someone by cheating.

[Kash27]

I guess I must be in a minority that says it's not OK to hurt someone by cheating.

 

No one is saying it's ok.

[Sanesoul]

I guess I must be in a minority that says it's not OK to hurt someone by cheating.

 

I hope you're not. I think it's one of the most horrible things you can do to someone. To pledge to spend your life with someone and then betray them like that...it's really indescribable. I live with guilt everyday of my life because of what I did. I don't think I am a bad person because I am completely changed from when that happened. I'm not even close to the same, and I regret it tremendously. It definitely was a horrid thing I did, and I'll never forget what I put my husband through.

[Sanesoul]

Yep...and that's what I told her. It's ok to leave and it doesn't make her a bad person. I really do believe that too.

 

If your heart isn't into a relationship, the right thing to do is to leave. Staying around accomplishes nothing but prolongs the pain when both parties could be off with someone else instead who is better for them.

 

I don't like this idea that jumping into a relationship after this is a good idea. If/when this marriage dissolves, there should be a great expanse of time for the OP to work on herself, and fix the issues within herself that came out of this marriage. Only then will she be able to be a good partner to someone else.

[Fudgie]

I don't like this idea that jumping into a relationship after this is a good idea. If/when this marriage dissolves, there should be a great expanse of time for the OP to work on herself, and fix the issues within herself that came out of this marriage. Only then will she be able to be a good partner to someone else.

 

Yeah I agree with that. I apologize if I sounded like she should jump right off into a relationship after the marriage ends. Both people need time to heal.

 

I just don't think she should stick around if she's feeling as ambivalent as she says she is because she'll be unhappy and so will the guy, because I'm betting he can "pick up" on that feeling from her. I hope with some time and thinking on how to improve herself, she can find someone that she will feel secure with and not feel ambivalent.

 

I don't agree with the cheating either. What the OP did was wrong, but it sounds like she really made amends and was trying to make the relationship better. It sounds like she realizes what she did. Unfortunately, things don't always heal and go "back to normal", and it's sad but sometimes, you need to accept that and leave. I don't think she's a bad person as long as she learns from her mistake and apologizes, makes amends and makes sure to never do it again.

[doiiiieeezie]

I guess I must be in a minority that says it's not OK to hurt someone by cheating.

 

 

You're not, and nothing excuses a cheaters behavior. What we do have in this situation is someone who needs to admit that she does not have the love and compassion for a continuing marriage with her husband, and I think it's perfectly fair that he finally stood up and said something. Not every story has a happy ending.

[DN]

I hope I am not beating a dead horse but I think there is a difference between a mistake and a decision.

[Fudgie]

Her choice was a BAD choice and she regretted it, thus, it can be considered a mistake.

 

It still doesn't erase the badness of it, it just shows that she regrets it, wants to make up for it, and is willing to change.

 

I by no means condone cheating.

[OptomisticGirl]

There is a difference. Cheating is always a decision but I do believe like in the case of Insane Heart, though it initially was her decision, it did become a mistake for her because she felt genuine guilt. There is Def: a difference.

[Ms Darcy]

But here's what I keep coming back to: I've allowed my guilt to be what keeps me in this marriage--I've told myself time and again that I SHOULD be feeling a certain way, that I SHOULD be committed to my marriage (hence, the recent idea that feelings will follow commitment), and I SHOULD be in love with somebody as awesome as my husband. But I always come back to the fact that no matter how much I WANT those things, my reality is quite different. I've been in combat with myself for the past year (probably more than that) in the hopes that something will shift, but in response, all I'm getting is an equal and opposite reaction.

 

HardboiledEgg - I think you are doing the right thing by ending the marriage. Especially because of what you say above. Good luck to you both as this will be a difficult time.