Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Lady Rashomon]

I am still not clear why it is that he is supposed to have told you not to go through with it and yet he is making it the central point of his e-mail to you quoted in your initial post.

 

Color me confused, as well. He and I talked about this at length--when he told me not to do the middle name change (because it wasn't "good enough"), I took him on his word. But apparently, he ended up feeling betrayed and hurt that I hadn't gone through with it, so it was another test to gauge how committed I was.

[AndiD]

I am still not clear why it is that he is supposed to have told you not to go through with it and yet he is making it the central point of his e-mail to you quoted in your initial post.

 

My interpretation is that it's an emotional test he probably isn't even doing on a conscious level. He needs to "know" her promises are as important to her as they are to him. So by taking away his part of the "importance" it leaves only her own value of her promise to make her follow through. And then if and when she does, it adds to his ability to believe in her commitment to promises without him "enforcing" them.

[DN]

So what is your plan for tonight - are you going to dump him?

 

BTW - I never buy the "love but not in love" cliché. It makes a partner feel like an old shoe that one can't bring oneself to throw out.

[Lady Rashomon]

So what is your plan for tonight - are you going to dump him?

 

BTW - I never buy the "love but not in love" cliché. It makes a partner feel like an old shoe that one can't bring oneself to throw out.

 

Fair enough. But let me give you some more context. A little bit TMI, granted.

 

Before I had this affair, it had been close to a year that my husband and I had been sexually active with each other, in any way, shape, or form. Both of us are attractive, fit, and reasonably young. There is absolutely no reason why this should have been the case--none whatsoever--but it was part of a pattern that has been existent throughout our relationship. Throughout the nine years we've been together, we've gone several months at a time without intimacy. It isn't as if we had some kind of grand honeymoon period, and then it lapsed into boring and routine. It was just never part of the equation. And honestly, because I was rather inexperienced, it wasn't a very urgent need for me, either, until perhaps the last two years or so, when I found myself getting increasingly dissatisfied.

 

We've talked extensively about this, particularly in the last year, but I am also coming to terms with the fact that his sex drive is very low (by his admission)and also, I am simply not attracted to him. Shallow? Yes, perhaps it is, especially since this was a factor that was obviously not compelling enough for me to not marry him three years ago.

 

I have often been perplexed by this quandary, but surely, a spouse should be more than a glorified roommate or someone to pass the time with? I don't know how else to distinguish between "in love with" versus "love," but that's essentially what I mean.

[DN]

You know, it really would help if you didn't keep adding bits of information as this thread continues. Why not post the story as a whole so that people can give advice based on that rather than piecemeal chapters that add a new dimension all the time.

 

The answer to your immediate question however (IMO) is this: cheating is always wrong. if you are not getting what you want from a relationship then leave.

 

You have still not answered my question about whether you are going to dump him or not.

[Lady Rashomon]

You know, it really would help if you didn't keep adding bits of information as this thread continues. Why not post the story as a whole so that people can give advice based on that rather than piecemeal chapters that add a new dimension all the time.

 

The answer to your immediate question however (IMO) is this: cheating is always wrong. if you are not getting what you want from a relationship then leave.

 

You have still not answered my question about whether you are going to dump him or not.

 

Sorry--there are so many details to the story that I didn't think to post them all at once.

 

I plan on moving out of our apartment tonight and staying with a friend. I am going to tell him that he's right, that I am not and nor have I been fully committed to this relationship, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. In the name of trying, I have been very unfair to both of us, and I don't want to continue to struggle or to make us both suffer needlessly. I anticipate that he'll ask me to take some time to think about it, so not sure if we'll regroup in a few weeks or if I just need to amputate this at the source.

 

I'm definitely not looking forward to it.

[DN]

I just need to amputate this at the source.

I think you choice of words is very indicative of your view of this relationship, it seems very coldblooded. But I think it is right to not give him false hope. He obviously loves you a lot and will probably devastated but to drag this out would not be wise. It will also likely take him some time to recover but perhaps he will find some sort of happiness.

 

I have to say that I feel very sorry for him. I always do feel sorry for people who have loved the wrong person. It's even worse when they believed they were loved in return. Hopefully this will turn out well for both of you in the long term but the short term will likely not be much fun.

[AndiD]

I think you're doing the right thing, and I hope the time apart helps you put things in perspective.

[abitbroken]

You know, it really would help if you didn't keep adding bits of information as this thread continues. Why not post the story as a whole so that people can give advice based on that rather than piecemeal chapters that add a new dimension all the time.

 

The answer to your immediate question however (IMO) is this: cheating is always wrong. if you are not getting what you want from a relationship then leave.

 

You have still not answered my question about whether you are going to dump him or not.

 

I agree. It sounds like you are trying to come up with supporting information that will sway out opinion. I think that if he has a lower sex drive than you, it can be dealt with in two different ways. You could figure out if maybe there is a nutritional deficiency, low testosterone or stress that contributes to it, or perhaps use something that helps like creams or Viagra - OR you could change your sex routine and do other things that don't require ejaculation like other forms of sexual play or romantic touch - such as him using a vibrator on you, fingers, kissing, or simply taking a bubble bath togethe and holding eachother close or setting a romantic mood. You could also contribute to it by putting pressure on him or making comments. Some guys need a change of scenery like a hotel getawa. Also, there is difference between a guy with little physical sex drive and a guy that is not romantic. Also you mention at first that it worked because you were inexperienced and didn't care, but now you seem to care. Cheating is not a valid option for solving the issue. The only solution really is solved with communication. But it seems as if you already gave up.

 

Also, I don't know if I have already said this before, but you claim to be "unconventional" there is a huge difference between unconventional and uncommitted. Many people who are FAR from conventional and downright irreverant but are extremely loyal and committed to their spouse. I think you are the latter rather than the former, but trying to justify it.

 

As far as the name thing, you don't lose your 'identity. My cousin changed her maiden name to her middle name. Professionally, she is referred to as Dr Sally Jones (her maiden name), and at parties and in the neighborhood, people introduce them as Sally and Bob Smith (married name). On her paycheck she is Sally J. Smith.

 

I think like DN says, you are just dodging the question.

[Lady Rashomon]

I think you choice of words is very indicative of your view of this relationship, it seems very coldblooded. But I think it is right to not give him false hope. He obviously loves you a lot and will probably devastated but to drag this out would not be wise. It will also likely take him some time to recover but perhaps he will find some sort of happiness.

 

I have to say that I feel very sorry for him. I always do feel sorry for people who have loved the wrong person. It's even worse when they believed they were loved in return. Hopefully this will turn out well for both of you in the long term but the short term will likely not be much fun.

 

Do you actually think any of this will be easy for me???? Remember, I've "left" once before, and I think I made a huge mistake by allowing my warm feelings for him to steer me from that path. He's someone I'd love to have in my life forever, but I don't get to make that decision. When I said "amputate this at the source," I was seeing the alternative as talking about it a few weeks from now vs. saying, "no, I've made up my mind."

 

You don't know me, but I know I am not a cold-blooded person. But then again, I think you are determined to think the worst of me, so I guess it doesn't matter what I say.

[abitbroken]

Sorry--there are so many details to the story that I didn't think to post them all at once.

 

I plan on moving out of our apartment tonight and staying with a friend. I am going to tell him that he's right, that I am not and nor have I been fully committed to this relationship, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. In the name of trying, I have been very unfair to both of us, and I don't want to continue to struggle or to make us both suffer needlessly. I anticipate that he'll ask me to take some time to think about it, so not sure if we'll regroup in a few weeks or if I just need to amputate this at the source.

 

I'm definitely not looking forward to it.

 

I would just keep my mind open and truly work on yourself. I would actually give it more than a few weeks since you have been together for so long. really give time for the dust to settle and figure things out rather than starting a divorce. I would even suggest getting a room for rent on your own rather than stay with a friend because then you have to deal with yourself rather than having someone with an opinion swaying you one way or the other, but that's just me. If your friend is the type that can stay neutral or show you both sides and is honest with you, then alright.

[Lady Rashomon]

Wrong--I was answering the question of how I distinguish between being in love versus loving someone.

 

As far as the sex thing goes, we've addressed it profusely in the last year with pretty much everything that you have mentioned (which I admit, should have happened a long time ago). I've done my best to inject more romance into our lives, and it's worked to a certain extent, but the frequency continues to be a problem, and there really isn't very much passion. He has told me that he's never had a very high sex drive--that is simply who he is. I suspect this may have something to do with his recreational marijuana use, which I have accepted will not change (it's who he was when I first met him, and it's a part of his life).

 

And yes, this wasn't something that was on my list of priorities several years ago--or I just learned to be okay with it--but I don't think a person's sexual identity is static, either.

 

And yes, I have come to the conclusion that I'm uncommitted and probably zoned out of this relationship a long time ago. Not an easy realization, but it is an honest one.

[DN]

I am trying not to think the worst of anyone. But from your own posts you married him knowing that you really didnt love him in the way that you should, you cheated on him knowing how much that would hurt him and you have basically stayed in the marriage still knowing you don't love him and now you are about to dump him. I just cannot see those actions in any good light - it seems so careless of his feelings and even now you are thinking about how it won't be easy for you. I don't wish you any ill-will but I do think you owe him a huge apology for messing up his life like this and you should also make this break-up as easy as possible for him - although that will be very difficult.

[Sanesoul]

I've never heard of that scenario...making sacrifices to show commitment to "right" a "wrong".

 

You've obviously never been through it. I have, and can tell you that it worked for me and my marriage.

[Lady Rashomon]

I am trying not to think the worst of anyone. But from your own posts you married him knowing that you really didnt love him in the way that you should, you cheated on him knowing how much that would hurt him and you have basically stayed in the marriage still knowing you don't love him and now you are about to dump him. I just cannot see those actions in any good light - it seems so careless of his feelings and even now you are thinking about how it won't be easy for you. I don't wish you any ill-will but I do think you owe him a huge apology for messing up his life like this and you should also make this break-up as easy as possible for him - although that will be very difficult.

 

It seems that whatever words I choose, you will detect a subtext of selfishness. Yes, I dread having this conversation, because it won't be easy. But I am much more concerned with how he is going to take this, how he will feel, and whether or not he has supportive people in his life that will be there for him (he doesn't have a lot of close friends). Thinking about what he is going to do and how he will react is making me feel so ill that I can barely think. I have NO idea how to make this easy--hence, my question regarding whether it should be a clean break or whether there should be communication in between.

 

I am also not trying to excuse my actions. I was 22 years old when I met him, and I thought he was wonderful. This isn't a black and white issue. I was in love with him at one point (probably more so than he was with me in the first half of our relationship), and I married him believing that the security and friendship were what would make us strong--those sentiments were enough for me to dispense with the doubt. I can't justify my cheating, but I stayed in the marriage because I believed that all I needed to do was fix what was wrong with me, and things would be okay.

 

Perhaps those were flawed reasons, but that is how I felt at the time--and I don't think the entire relationship was a lie. But I imagine that it's easiest to say that the demise of a relationship means that the entire relationship was an out-and-out failure.

[abitbroken]

Well...you COULD have told him that his marijuana use is affecting your marriage. He seems to really love you from what he wrote and if it really upset you, I would imagine he would try to curtail his use if he thought it would end his marriage. He probably would have made an effort if you went to him in a heartfelt way. because you never brought it up, he probably thought you didn't have a problem.

[Sanesoul]

I think if you want to make it as easy as possible for him, don't beat around the bush. Tell him as soon as possible because I'm sure his head is whirling right now. I'm sure he's probably expecting the worst anyway.

 

Be clear and concise.

[Lady Rashomon]

Well...you COULD have told him that his marijuana use is affecting your marriage. He seems to really love you from what he wrote and if it really upset you, I would imagine he would try to curtail his use if he thought it would end his marriage. He probably would have made an effort if you went to him in a heartfelt way. because you never brought it up, he probably thought you didn't have a problem.

 

We've been together for nine years. Do you really think I never brought up his marijuana use affecting our relationship? He knows that his drug/alcohol use bothers me, and he certainly minimized it over the years to address my concerns, but the difference was going from complete pothead to just smoking recreationally 3-4 times a week. He has known for a long time that I'm not okay with it, but he said from the very beginning that he has no intention of stopping (he is of the ilk that brings up statistics that support marijuana use and feels that it is unduly demonized), especially since this has been something he's done since he was 16.

 

I always suggested that he get help for his problems, but I also know that you can't nag someone into doing something like quitting smoking, etc. They have to WANT to do it, and for themselves, not for someone else. I am, of course, accountable for having normalized this behavior early in our relationship and allowing my own boundaries of what's acceptable/unacceptable to be messed with.

[Lady Rashomon]

I think if you want to make it as easy as possible for him, don't beat around the bush. Tell him as soon as possible because I'm sure his head is whirling right now. I'm sure he's probably expecting the worst anyway.

 

Be clear and concise.

 

You're right.

 

God, I'm having flashbacks of last year, when both of us were complete emotional wrecks. I wish there were something I could do to make the entire process easy and gentle.

[DN]

More backstory: he is my first and only long-term relationship. We've been together for close to nine years--lots of bumps and hiccups along the way. To be honest, I married him precisely because I thought the Hollywood ideal of romantic love was ridiculous and that here I had something real and stable and reliable.

 

This isn't a black and white issue. I was in love with him at one point (probably more so than he was with me in the first half of our relationship)

This is the sort of contradiction that makes this very hard to follow. I am not accusing you of lying but it seems that you didn't know your own mind then - and I am wondering if you know your own mind now.

[Sanesoul]

Break-ups are never easy, and a marriage that's already had trouble is worse. You will both be in pain for awhile, but you will also both eventually heal.

[Lady Rashomon]

This is the sort of contradiction that makes this very hard to follow. I am not accusing you of lying but it seems that you didn't know your own mind then - and I am wondering if you know your own mind now.

 

Certainly, I find myself stumbling through this, so it's tough. I am constantly questioning myself, but I also have a written record (my journals) that sheds light on how I was feeling throughout our relationship. And a lot changed.

 

We were together for six years BEFORE we got married, so I would say that we've been through many different phases of our relationship. There's a big difference between a starry-eyed 22-year-old who's never been in a LTR and a 27-year-old who's decided that pragmatism is the way to go.

[DN]

Well, the bottom line seems to be that you don't love him now - not in any way that would save this marriage anyway. If you are sure of that (and I suggest you make sure before you end it) then you should end it with as little pain as possible.

 

You married for the wrong reasons - perhaps you should make sure you don't divorce for the wrong reasons as well.

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, the bottom line seems to be that you don't love him now - not in any way that would save this marriage anyway. If you are sure of that (and I suggest you make sure before you end it) then you should end it with as little pain as possible.

 

You married for the wrong reasons - perhaps you should make sure you don't divorce for the wrong reasons as well.

 

What would the wrong reasons for divorce be?

[DN]

What would the wrong reasons for divorce be?

That would be if once again you are not in proper connection with your emotions and that in fact you do love him and only discover that when it is too late.

 

Despite the apparent rationality of your posts my belief is that you are thoroughly confused emotionally and really have no idea what your feelings are and what they mean. I suspect you are on the verge of making a mistake that cannot be corrected and that you could end up bitterly regretting. This is far more complicated than a name change would imply. It is probably far more than the cheating would imply. i think that something went awry early in your life that has had a malign influence on you emotionally and that you need to get it fixed.

 

I think that you are heading for a world of hurt.