Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Lady Rashomon]

I hope I am not beating a dead horse but I think there is a difference between a mistake and a decision.

 

I don't know that the two are mutually exclusive. I do think, however, that there are several gradations when it comes to cheating. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her for about three years before she found out. They're currently in counseling together. My cheating episode was over the course of about two weeks and two incidents, and I am the person who came clean about it, because it felt right and I knew that's what my husband would have expected from me.

[Lady Rashomon]

HardboiledEgg - I think you are doing the right thing by ending the marriage. Especially because of what you say above. Good luck to you both as this will be a difficult time.

 

Thanks, Ms. Darcy. This past weekend was very difficult, but the big elephant in the room has finally been acknowledged, which I think has been a source of relief for both of us.

[Lady Rashomon]

I agree. What it has felt like to me throughout this thread was almost like she's looking for someone to tell her its ok to leave, and that it doesn't make her a bad person to leave. I could be wrong of course. HB?

 

It isn't really my place to seek validation from the people on this board, but I can see this as being partially true. For the record, I am not the kind of person to simply leave people behind. I have always taken my commitments (romantic and otherwise) extremely seriously--possibly as the unconscious consequence of my parents being in an arranged marriage, so despite my adverse reaction to that, I do have this ingrained belief that you stick through things for better or worse.

 

I guess I just wonder--at what point is the "sticking through things" harmful to both partners?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't know that the two are mutually exclusive. I do think, however, that there are several gradations when it comes to cheating. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her for about three years before she found out. They're currently in counseling together. My cheating episode was over the course of about two weeks and two incidents, and I am the person who came clean about it, because it felt right and I knew that's what my husband would have expected from me.

 

IMO, which isn't much, cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's for two weeks, two years, or two decades, it's still cheating. Everyone has a decision to cheat or not. No one makes you get in the car to drive to the other person's house, no one else making you knock on the front door, no one makes you undress but YOU. At any point during that a cheater can say 'no, no.' and stop it.

 

I"m glad you guys finally got everything out. What are the plans for the near future?

[iBroken]

Did you tell him you are leaving?

 

As someone who has suffered the break up of someone who tried to love me because she felt she owed it to me but just couldnt, I would say that its best to just rip the band aid off. The longer you stay around, the harder it will be for him to wrap his head around things.

[Lady Rashomon]

IMO, which isn't much, cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's for two weeks, two years, or two decades, it's still cheating. Everyone has a decision to cheat or not. No one makes you get in the car to drive to the other person's house, no one else making you knock on the front door, no one makes you undress but YOU. At any point during that a cheater can say 'no, no.' and stop it.

 

I"m glad you guys finally got everything out. What are the plans for the near future?

 

I don't think my actions were defensible at all, but I did do my best to rectify the mistake/decision as quickly as I could. Doesn't change the fact that I made a huge mistake, one that was cowardly and that I will always berate myself for. But I don't know--part of me now also wonders whether the mistake was an opportunity in disguise.

 

The plans for the near future--we are doing NC for a while. He was surprisingly calm when we talked about everything--there was sadness, but there was also relief (for both of us). I moved out, and we're going to talk again in a month's time about where to go from here.

[Lady Rashomon]

Did you tell him you are leaving?

 

As someone who has suffered the break up of someone who tried to love me because she felt she owed it to me but just couldnt, I would say that its best to just rip the band aid off. The longer you stay around, the harder it will be for him to wrap his head around things.

 

Yes, I moved out. I told him that in the past year, my heart wasn't in this marriage and I didn't feel the way I think a wife should feel for a husband. In no way or form would I leave him to be with someone else, but the cheating just magnified the growing rift between us. It's true what people say: I know that if I truly wanted to "fix" things, I would have done so months and months ago. The guilt truly immobilized me, but yes, ultimately, I know that I am making the right choice by leaving.

 

We are going to regroup in a month, not to see where we stand, but to take decisive action on what needs to be done (i.e., splitting assets, taking care of our pets, divorce proceedings, etc.). He asked me if I think my heart will change, and while it was hard to say so, I responded, "I've given myself over a year to see if that could be the case, and I've come to the conclusion that it isn't."

[DN]

It does seem that you are not only very clear about your decision but also lacking in emotion about it (at least judging from the way you describe it) and that is usually a sign the a relationship is truly dead. I hope that the damage he has suffered will not permanently damage him and that he is able to find happiness eventually.

[lostnscared]

It's a sad situation, but at least you were completely honest with him about it. So I guess divorce is the better option for you both. It gets you out of an unhappy suffocating situation, and helps him find the person that will love him as he should. I wish the best of luck to the both of you, but I can't help feeling sorry for him, and feeling as though you do seem a bit indifferent to the outcome of your marriage,.

 

Good luck.

[Lady Rashomon]

It does seem that you are not only very clear about your decision but also lacking in emotion about it (at least judging from the way you describe it) and that is usually a sign the a relationship is truly dead. I hope that the damage he has suffered will not permanently damage him and that he is able to find happiness eventually.

 

I'm not lacking in emotion about it, and there is certainly going to be damage that cuts both ways. I'm experiencing a lot, emotionally, right now--but I really don't see the point of discussing that here and opening myself up to further judgments. I don't expect people on this board to side with me or try to understand where I'm coming from, but the continuous stream of justifications is obviously not working in my favor, either.

[DN]

Well, I am sorry if anyone is hurting but it is hard to discern that emotion you say you feel from your writing.

 

And the reason I think it important is that I suspect that something happened at some point that has closed you off from your emotions and that unless you figure out what it is you will run into similar problems in the future. It isn't a question of judging you but of wondering what is truly in your best interests. Ending this marriage may be a short term solution to a long-term problem. If your husband is as wonderful as you say he is he may find happiness with someone else. But if your problems go beyond this relationship you may not have that to look forward to.

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, I am sorry if anyone is hurting but it is hard to discern that emotion you say you feel from your writing.

 

And the reason I think it important is that I suspect that something happened at some point that has closed you off from your emotions and that unless you figure out what it is you will run into similar problems in the future. It isn't a question of judging you but of wondering what is truly in your best interests. Ending this marriage may be a short term solution to a long-term problem. If your husband is as wonderful as you say he is he may find happiness with someone else. But if your problems go beyond this relationship you may not have that to look forward to.

 

To be honest, I feel emotionally and physically exhausted right now. It feels like I've been hit by a freighter train, and vomiting out what that entails (except perhaps in my journal, where I feel I can be completely honest, or to very close friends of mine) is something of an arduous process.

 

In general, I don't think that I'm at all closed off from my emotions. My major problem is that I have not been completely emotionally honest for quite some time now, so because of that, two people are now suffering. The upside to all this? I know that he will find someone better suited to him--he expressed that he wants to be married and would like to start a family someday, and I have no doubt that his dreams are closer in reach to him now that he and I are ending our marriage.

 

By no means am I perfect or unsullied by things that have happened to me in my past (same goes for my husband), but I doubt you will find someone who is. I will continue to be as introspective as I can be, and to challenge my perceptions of myself, but I must trust that I will find happiness someday, whether that is with or without somebody else.

[iBroken]

Awwww - poor guy - that must have really hurt him.

 

But at least thats over and done with......good call on taking the month to regroup.

[Lady Rashomon]

Awwww - poor guy - that must have really hurt him.

 

But at least thats over and done with......good call on taking the month to regroup.

 

It was certainly not easy, but I actually think he took it quite well, all things considering. He's an intuitive guy and he knew where all of this was ultimately leading, so I think he had a period of time to get used to the idea.

[Lady Rashomon]

So a bit of time has passed, and the longer we are away from each other, the more I feel better about my decision. This doesn't mean that it's easy or that I don't miss him, but it feels like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. I didn't know the relief would be this immense. Nobody can tell me I didn't do my due diligence--something I've realized is that other people, no matter how well-meaning or knowledgeable they think they are, can never truly understand the inner workings of someone's relationship or presume to know what the best solution is. I feel like I'm on a new path now, and I'm both terrified and hopeful about what lies around the corner.

[thejigsup]

I told you so. Some of us are much happier on our own. I love my bf, but I cringe at the thought of being married again. Marriage is a good thing, for some people. It is toxic for others. Not everyone is meant to be married, just as not everyone is meant to be an athlete. What works for some will not work for others. I made it very clear to my bf when I met him many years ago that I was not the marrying type. He had no problem with that and we are still together and still happy. Find someone who is a good fit for you. Trying to be a square peg in a round hole leads to all kinds of unpleasant things, like infidelity and divorces. Learn from this and I hope you find what truly works for you.

[doiiiieeezie]

We usually feel relief when there is a cease in activity due to a stressful situation. I am glad that you finally stepped up and accepted that things are basically over between you two.

 

Now in terms of someone not being marriage material, I don't think it applies here. It could be the case that neither one of you had the ability to make this relationship work on a long term basis. It could end up where both you and he go your separate ways, only to find meaningful loving long-lasting relationships somewhere else.

 

All the best in your journey.

[thejigsup]

Isn't it funny how people will lecture you and put you down when you don't want the white picket fence and two kids scenario. I hated being married, have no use for it, and refuse to hurt another human being by marrying them. I love living alone. I hate answering to anyone or asking someone's permission to do things like go out dancing, buy a new dress, or even keep my own name. There are women who think this is the best way to live and dream of marriage their entire lives. That is fine for them, I know that marriage makes them happy and that is good. It gives me hives and I don't see how that makes me, or anyone who thinks like me, bad.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think it makes you a bad person. But in fairness what you were describing is not my idea of marriage.

[Circe]

Hardboiled Egg, seems like a really traumatic thing for you both to be experiencing and I wish you both well. I'm glad to hear you are feeling like you did the right thing .. It's a really hard thing to leave (it's also hard to stay and work it out) - there is no easy path to make. You did what you felt you had to do and that's brave and difficult. I wish you both the best.

[Lady Rashomon]

Fair enough, Optimistic Girl. I'm starting to sort out what my own personal ideas of marriage are right now, and it's becoming clear to me that the differences in my and my husband's values and communication styles definitely contributed to the feeling that there was a disconnect, and that we couldn't fully integrate the other person into our life. What is your idea of marriage, out of curiosity?

[OptomisticGirl]

An equal partnership. One of communication and understanding that not everything will always be perfect, you will get ill with each other, you will argue, you will snap, but at the end of the day you will communicate your needs or why you are angry and snapping. One of equal responsibility or distrubtion of responsibility. Such as if my fiance is the only one working and I"m at home with the kids and not working, it's my responsibility to keep the house clean and take cae of the kids. Doesn't mean that is ALL I do or that my fiance doesn't step in every now and then to give me a break from that. One of if all the bills are paid for the month and we have food and everything we need if I want to buy something (in my instance stuff to scrapbook with) and my fiance is the only one that works, I can do so without having to ask as long as all other needs are taken care of first.

[Lady Rashomon]

My STBX and I always had the kind of relationship you are speaking of. The thing about us is that we worked very well together as a unit--both of us have a practical streak, and we were always very good at dividing duties and making sure that business was taken care of. We were even fairly communicative with each other. But if the essential compatibility and spark and shared goals required to keep a relationship alive and well are simply not there, I don't see the purpose in being married. To be clear, functionally, we worked quite well--and I've even had friends tell me that perhaps this should be enough to keep us together. But I really do want a lover/partner/someone I share my dreams with, not a glorified roommate.

[OptomisticGirl]

Of course that spark has to be there. No spark you have a marriage with a roommate.

[im_the_undead]

wow, that's the most amazing letter i've ever read.