Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[AndiD]

Its not a name change; its a kept promise. So I guess you need to decide whether you feel more defined by your name or by your integrity.

 

My take, for what its worth - If you're trying to heal your marriage after you cheated, there's no halfway manner of doing that. Either commit to it completely, or jump ship. Anything else is just plain cruel in my view.

[Lady Rashomon]

Hardboiled - Does your husband have any inkling that you have been in contact with a past lover only very recently?

 

Are you referring to my ex? Yes, he knows because I told him. I also told him that while I have fond memories of this man, I have absolutely ZERO intention of rekindling a relationship with him--something that I've really clarified for myself in the past three weeks (I sent the ex an e-mail saying so--and that even if I weren't married, I wouldn't want to rekindle something--and didn't hear back from him...so much for friendship).

[Lady Rashomon]

I see your point regarding the symbolic renewal of a promise to remain faithful. Believe me, I don't think that my husband is trying to be controlling about any of this.

 

Also, we saw two different counselors on two occasions right after I cheated (at my behest, of course), and I didn't try to point the finger or "enlist the counselor." Neither did I attempt to make the main issue about his drug and alcohol problems (although I am really failing to see how my cheating is an action that exists in some kind of super-sealed vacuum).

 

You are correct that I have demonstrated that my promises are meaningless, and I believe I understand what you mean when you say that a prime condition for our going to counseling together would be him feeling that I am 100% committed. I think that what I haven't fully understood until now is the fact that commitment is a decision, not a feeling. I've been waiting a year for my heart to change before committing to my marriage, but perhaps the better route would be to make that commitment and allow change to ensue from that decision, not my feelings.

[dancingcolors]

You sent this man an email in the last 3 weeks? When was it you cheated on your husband again? What are you doing contacting the other guy? I think you were still testing the waters to see where he is at. NOW that you got no response, you are ready to work on our marriage. This doesn't sound good to me. I feel sorry for your husband. The drug and alcholol thing sounds hard to live with for me, but still, I think you still are straying deep inside yourself, if you are still contacting the other guy, in the last 3 weeks. I say your heart is not really in your marriage, as DN as pointed out.

[Lady Rashomon]

You sent this man an email in the last 3 weeks? When was it you cheated on your husband again? What are you doing contacting the other guy? I think you were still testing the waters to see where he is at. NOW that you got no response, you are ready to work on our marriage. This doesn't sound good to me. I feel sorry for your husband. The drug and alcholol thing sounds hard to live with for me, but still, I think you still are straying deep inside yourself, if you are still contacting the other guy, in the last 3 weeks. I say your heart is not really in your marriage, as DN as pointed out.

 

Huh??????

 

You obviously haven't read my other posts. The ex that I contacted was NOT the man I had an affair with, but someone I dated ten years ago. He was the one who sent me an e-mail saying that he had feelings for me, and I responded by telling him that I had zero interest in him (this is a person I've seen all of five times in the last ten years). After I sent that response, he did not write back to me, DESPITE saying that no matter what happened, he wanted to be friends. I'm not testing the waters here, and you are way off base with this one. My husband knows all about the ex, and is not in any way threatened by him.

[DN]

I think it is worth making that commitment and seeing if the feelings follow. It is not true that emotions cannot be controlled and that love cannot follow commitment rather than the other way around.

 

I suspect it is you that is hindering those feelings not your husband. You are basically getting in your own way. Maybe the commitment will get you out of it.

 

However - the name change refusal is a major stumbling block that you need to address. In his place I would still insist.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The name change is not going to prove commitment to the marriage and changing a name and then changing it back is really not all that trivial. Plenty of marriages work even though the woman has kept her maiden name....and plenty of marriages are disasters with the wife cheating on the husband despite having adopted the husband's last name. The real issue is the commitment to the marriage period that has nothing to do with the name change. There is no connection, no romantic love and just a history of dysfunctional problems which no amount of marriage counselling is going to solve. Both sides have deep-rooted individual problems that need to be sorted out. Drug and alcohol abuse, cheating, marriage of convenience at least on the OPs side...I doubt that marriage counselling could fix what is so broken in this relationship.

[Lady Rashomon]

The name change is not going to prove commitment to the marriage and changing a name and then changing it back is really not all that trivial. Plenty of marriages work even though the woman has kept her maiden name....and plenty of marriages are disasters with the wife cheating on the husband despite having adopted the husband's last name. The real issue is the commitment to the marriage period that has nothing to do with the name change. There is no connection, no romantic love and just a history of dysfunctional problems which no amount of marriage counselling is going to solve. Both sides have deep-rooted individual problems that need to be sorted out. Drug and alcohol abuse, cheating, marriage of convenience at least on the OPs side...I doubt that marriage counselling could fix what is so broken in this relationship.

 

Actually, I would say there is a connection, but CAD, you're right in that the other issues have eroded that connection over the years. My major question to myself, knowing what needs to be worked through, is: Can our individual problems be sorted out TOGETHER, or are these things we need to tackle on our own?

[Tanzi]

To be honest, I married him precisely because I thought the Hollywood ideal of romantic love was ridiculous and that here I had something real and stable and reliable.

 

Could it be that you "settled" and now something is telling you that the Hollywood ideal may actually be out there?

[Lady Rashomon]

Could it be that you "settled" and now something is telling you that the Hollywood ideal may actually be out there?

 

I'm not sure that I settled with my husband. He's by far the most loyal, kind, genuine, deeply honest, generous, and reliable person I've ever had in my life. All the other romances (including the flash-in-the-pan ex from ten years ago) had plenty of grandiose things to say, but ultimately, they were never there for me when I needed them. It's funny, though, that even knowing all this, there's still that part of me that longs for the romance and passion.

[AndiD]

Do you think he has that "romance and passion" feeling for you? Because he sure seemed to in that email, but obviously I can't tell from one email. Have you ever felt the "romance and passion" thing for him?

[Lady Rashomon]

He has told me many times that he feels passion for me, and I definitely believe him. I guess that ultimately, we have two different ways of expressing that passion.

 

I don't know that I ever felt the romance and passion for him, but I've always felt comfortable with him. At the very beginning of our relationship, I knew it wasn't going to be fireworks and crazy sparks, and I was honestly okay with that. We have a fantastic intellectual rapport and a similar sense of humor. He's much more stoic than I am, however, which makes romance a bit more difficult.

[DN]

The point that people seem to be missing about the name change is that it is important to him. I can see his point and your refusal to honour yet another promise would be enough for me to begin divorce proceedings. People either keep their promises or they don't. You apparently don't and the fact that other people may think his request and your promise unimportant is irrelevant to him.

 

I for one expect people to keep promises and I can never understand the mindset of people who either make them with no intention of keeping them or don't have the strength of character to follow through.

 

You say he is loyal, kind, genuine, deeply honest, generous, and reliable - is it not time that you tried to emulate him in those qualities?

[Lady Rashomon]

The point that people seem to be missing about the name change is that it is important to him. I can see his point and your refusal to honour yet another promise would be enough for me to begin divorce proceedings. People either keep their promises or they don't. You apparently don't and the fact that other people may think his request and your promise unimportant is irrelevant to him.

 

I for one expect people to keep promises and I can never understand the mindset of people who either make them with no intention of keeping them or don't have the strength of character to follow through.

 

You say he is loyal, kind, genuine, deeply honest, generous, and reliable - is it not time that you tried to emulate him in those qualities?

 

You keep stressing the "promise" regarding the name change, but in point of fact, while I was ready to change my name (i.e., my middle name to his last name) with the Social Security Administration (I had the forms) and had an appointment with the DMV, HE is the person who eventually told me not to do it, only to throw it back in my face countless times. I was READY TO FOLLOW THROUGH with what I said I would, and I don't understand why you aren't getting that.

[Lady Rashomon]

And for the record, I NEVER made the promise to change my last name to his (just my middle name).

[Tanzi]

I'm not sure that I settled with my husband. He's by far the most loyal, kind, genuine, deeply honest, generous, and reliable person I've ever had in my life. All the other romances (including the flash-in-the-pan ex from ten years ago) had plenty of grandiose things to say, but ultimately, they were never there for me when I needed them. It's funny, though, that even knowing all this, there's still that part of me that longs for the romance and passion.

 

But do you love him?

 

As regards longing for the romance and passion, I guess many of us feel the same when we are a few years down the road in a relationship. We seem to be happy to plod along and let the romance and passion slip. I think that is what happened when my ex-husband left me. He left me for someone else and he even told me at one point that it was "new and exciting!" A year and a bit down the road and they had finished too. It seems that once the honeymoon period was over he didn't have anything more than he had before. In fact he had less. Have you discussed how you feel with your husband. At this stage, with your husband feeling the way he does, it is probably hard for him to stir up the passion. If you both want to make this work you need to be honest with each other and to see if you can start "romancing" again but it sounds like its going to take a lot to address all the issues that are weighing your marriage down at the moment.

[DN]

You keep stressing the "promise" regarding the name change, but in point of fact, while I was ready to change my name (i.e., my middle name to his last name) with the Social Security Administration (I had the forms) and had an appointment with the DMV, HE is the person who eventually told me not to do it, only to throw it back in my face countless times. I was READY TO FOLLOW THROUGH with what I said I would, and I don't understand why you aren't getting that.

 

Because of this in the e-mail from your husband:

It's been difficult for me to get past what you've done, and the whole negotiation regarding the name change - and your failure to keep your word - has left me bitter and has exacerbated my worst assumptions about you. Earlier this year, I told myself that I was going to leave you if you did not take on my name, and there have been nights that I've laid awake, cursing myself for allowing one more core compromise.

Where is he coming from with this?

[Lady Rashomon]

Because of this in the e-mail from your husband: Where is he coming from with this?

 

He sees my taking his last name as my middle name as not sufficient--he wants me to change my name altogether (part of his reasoning being that since I have a bad relationship with my dad, it makes no sense for me to keep his name as my last name). My husband feels that he made a core compromise because he doesn't want a "halfway" name change. He wants me to take the full plunge, which I have not.

 

Regarding my "failure to keep my word," I've spoken with him about this, and I believe it's the result of VERY poor communication, as both of us have attested to. When he told me not to change my name after I got the required forms, I thought he was serious, but apparently, he was throwing a tantrum and/or testing me.

[DN]

My perception at the moment is that despite all the qualities that you admire in him you don't love him enough to make this marriage work and never have and that you just aren't willing to sacrifice anything. There seems to be no real regret in any meaningful way - in fact there really doesn't seem to be any real emotion about him at all. Someone once said that the opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference and you seem indifferent to him as if all of this is some sort of inconvenience rather than any sort of crisis.

 

I can honestly see where he is coming from - I would want something more from you than going to counseling. He must sense that there is no love but he hopes he is wrong and is looking for a sign that he is. He must be going through hell right now and I feel very very sorry for him. To love and know it is not returned is one of the most devastating things that can happen.

[Unreasonable]

I agree with this. Reading through this thread, I have gotten the sense that the whole name thing is a desperate grasping for ONE sign that you give a damn. He wants a sign from YOU. Couples counselling honestly should be a given in these kind of situations, so I can see how he doesn't find that sufficient.

[DN]

I agree with this. Reading through this thread, I have gotten the sense that the whole name thing is a desperate grasping for ONE sign that you give a damn. He wants a sign from YOU. Couples counselling honestly should be a given in these kind of situations, so I can see how he doesn't find that sufficient.

Under the cicumstances that the OP has described I would not agree to it either unless there was a sign of commitment. In his place I would want that sign of commitment as a pre-requisite before I wasted emotional energy, time and money on something that without that commitment would seem a forlorn hope.

[OptomisticGirl]

Clearly you changing your name is important to him, no matter the reason. If you can't compromise on that to give him a sign you are committed, leave. Let him find someone who has the samr values as him and who will have no problem taking his last name.

[Lady Rashomon]

It isn't true that I am indifferent to my husband or that I don't give a damn and that I've sacrificed absolutely nothing in the course of our relationship, and I resent those implications.

 

But here's what I keep coming back to: I've allowed my guilt to be what keeps me in this marriage--I've told myself time and again that I SHOULD be feeling a certain way, that I SHOULD be committed to my marriage (hence, the recent idea that feelings will follow commitment), and I SHOULD be in love with somebody as awesome as my husband. But I always come back to the fact that no matter how much I WANT those things, my reality is quite different. I've been in combat with myself for the past year (probably more than that) in the hopes that something will shift, but in response, all I'm getting is an equal and opposite reaction.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's not fair for you or him to stay in this kind of marriage. You want to love him but can't. Fine. Nothing wrong with that, just dont prolong a marriage you don't want.

[agent1607307371]

Then you know what to do.

 

Right now you're putting both of your lives on hold while you try to force yourself into a commitment that just isn't in you. Caring about your husband and thinking he's a good person aren't reason enough to stay with him.

 

You shouldn't stay married as an act of penance. It doesn't work like that.