Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Lady Rashomon]

What was the extent of the cheating??

 

And a person has to be able to forgive themselves and learn from their mistakes. You can't crucify yourself for the rest of your life.

 

Extremely brief affair. Two occasions whereupon I and the OM both agreed that we'd made a huge mistake and had sought each other out from a place of loneliness.

 

Being an empathic person, it is very difficult for me to accept that I could be the cause of another person's pain. It is difficult to forgive myself when I'm so damn angry at myself--for my indecision, my inability to just simply re-commit, etc. And I have been trying so, so hard, but the results I want just don't seem to be there.

[dancingcolors]

well were you lonely in your marriage that you would seek another man out out of lonliness.

 

I have to go out now.

[iBroken]

By no means are either of us perfect--yes, I cheated and I will never forgive myself for having caused him so much pain, but there were plenty of difficulties we experienced way, way before this. In terms of what I'm clinging to, I guess I ask myself the same question every day. I don't want to cause him any further pain by leaving, and I also don't want to make any decisions on a whim.

 

You leaving him might actually set him free.

 

As a victim of being cheated on, my partner staying around was torture. I was in the same spot as your husband. She saw this and set me free. She let me go because I became this person that I didnt want to be (insecure, feeling worthless, always wondering when she would cheat again).

 

Now that she is gone, I still feel this but its alot less and few and far between because the reminders arent in my face every day. Dont stay out of fear of inflicting further pain. If you are even questioning this marriage, its best you let him go.

[DN]

but I will let you know that I am still very troubled and expect some reaction from this e-mail. Something needs to change very shortly. I can't continue living like this.

What do you plan on replying?

[AndiD]

Your husband is right. You aren't committed to the marriage. You've said so yourself. So, the issue continues to arise not because of what your husband believes, but because of what actually is. I think that's an important distinction.

 

That's not the only example I see in your writing of moving as much responsibility off yourself as possible. Be careful that you're not vilifying the marriage in order to live with the things you have guilt over. That's an easy trap to fall into.

[Lady Rashomon]

well were you lonely in your marriage that you would seek another man out out of lonliness.

 

I have to go out now.

 

Definitely felt loneliness and unhappiness, but I never blamed any of this on my husband. I'm not the kind of person who looks for other people to fulfill me or give my life meaning.

[Lady Rashomon]

What do you plan on replying?

 

Not sure. It's a conversation I'd prefer to have in person.

[DN]

I think you need to know what your response is going to be whether in person or by e-mail. But it seems he might be angry if he doesn't get a response by e-mail of some sort even if it is just an acknowledgment.

 

Although he says this in't an ultimatum - it's pretty darn close. I think he's near the end of his patience.

[SapphireNoir10]

My honest opinion is let the poor guy go and find someone who will love him and be glad to commint to him a 100%. His letter/email sounds truly miserable and he sounds so upset...its heartbreaking.

 

Your not sure. Its not fair on him.

 

Could you not double barrel your surname? Or have your maiden name as a a middle name? Its like you wont even compromise.

[shessofly]

i do not think a name change, or at least a hyphenation is asking for too much, although i do agree it won't solve any problems. it sounds like it's something you agreed to at some point in time if i'm reading his email correctly. may i ask why it is so important to you, not to change your name? i have a friend who is going through a similar issue with her fiancé right now. she wants to hyphenate her name because her daughter will still have her maiden name. i realize there are valid concerns, but what are yours?

 

at this point i wouldn't agree to change my name if i wasn't 100% committed to the relationship and making it work. although you say you are unsure, it seems as though you are not (committed emotionally/mentally). i'm sure he's already aware of that. your indecision will cause him to make a decision sooner or later. maybe you need to get counseling for yourself only for now, to help you sort out your feelings.

[thejigsup]

You cheated. That didn't come out of nowhere. He had a hand in your unhappiness, though you two should share this responsibility. I would never change my name for any man. What, we marry them and we lose our names and sense of self? No. He sounds hurt, but also controlling. You sound like me, independent. Women like us should never marry. We won't be happy and we will cause unhappiness in those we marry. Leave this man to find a woman who doesn't mind losing her identity and will stay faithful to him. They are out there, there is no shortage. You should leave and find a life that is completely your own. It is so worth it.

[DN]

I hope that you aren't letting this drag out in order to make him break up with you? That would be very unfair,

[Lady Rashomon]

You cheated. That didn't come out of nowhere. He had a hand in your unhappiness, though you two should share this responsibility. I would never change my name for any man. What, we marry them and we lose our names and sense of self? No. He sounds hurt, but also controlling. You sound like me, independent. Women like us should never marry. We won't be happy and we will cause unhappiness in those we marry. Leave this man to find a woman who doesn't mind losing her identity and will stay faithful to him. They are out there, there is no shortage. You should leave and find a life that is completely your own. It is so worth it.

 

Wow. I think I should PM you.

[Unreasonable]

My feeling is he's pressing the surname thing to test your commitment to him. It's not really about your last name. If it was then it would have been a precondition to marriage. I don't think it's about control either.

 

What he really wants is a symbolic gesture that proves that you care enough about the relationship to make sacrifices, because through your cheating he feels you are not committed. He chose the surname issue because he knows you feel strongly about it.

 

If it were me, that would seem like a small price to pay if you want to keep your marriage intact.

[DN]

I am getting a strong feeling that you don't want this marriage intact but are wanting him to end it. Is that about right?

[Lady Rashomon]

Because of my profession, keeping my name is something that is very important. In addition, I love my name--I've lived with it my entire life, and to me, it IS a part of my identity and my culture. Symbolically, I understand that changing one's name, to some women, means that they are now "part of" their husband, but I think this is a convention that is sexist and outdated, and perpetuates the harmful idea that a woman is her man's property. To each their own. He knew I felt this way before I married him.

 

For the record, I have told him I could make his surname my middle name, but for him, it's really all or nothing.

[AndiD]

I am getting a strong feeling that you don't want this marriage intact but are wanting him to end it. Is that about right?

 

That's what's coming accross to me as well.

[thejigsup]

I hope that you aren't letting this drag out in order to make him break up with you? That would be very unfair,

 

I totally agree with this. They both deserve closure and quickly.

[Lady Rashomon]

I am getting a strong feeling that you don't want this marriage intact but are wanting him to end it. Is that about right?

 

I actually tried to leave very shortly after my affair because I felt that my uncertainty would ultimately destroy us both. He was very, very forceful and pushed the fact that neither of us would ever find a relationship like this one and that I'd be losing the most important thing that had ever happened to me if I left. I saw the pain that my leaving would cause him, and I just wanted to mitigate our suffering. So yes, in some ways, perhaps I am waiting for him to end it. It's certainly a cowardly move on my part, but I've never had to do anything so difficult in my life.

[thejigsup]

Wow. I think I should PM you.

 

Anytime. I am probably very much like you and could give you some support. Your husband is hurting, I feel for him, but you are not able to give him what he wants.

[DN]

Because of my profession, keeping my name is something that is very important. In addition, I love my name--I've lived with it my entire life, and to me, it IS a part of my identity and my culture. Symbolically, I understand that changing one's name, to some women, means that they are now "part of" their husband, but I think this is a convention that is sexist and outdated, and perpetuates the harmful idea that a woman is her man's property. To each their own. He knew I felt this way before I married him.

 

For the record, I have told him I could make his surname my middle name, but for him, it's really all or nothing.

I am not meaning to hound you here but I imagine that cheating on your husband is also not part of your identity and culture - or of his. And that you also knew that before you married him. Do you love your name more than you love him?

 

It seems very much as if you aren't prepared to compromise at all - it's your way or the highway over everything.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it is your clear ambivalence towards the marriage which is more at issue for him than the name change. I suspect that had he had strong indications from you that you are in love with him and want to keep the marriage together because of this love then the name change would be a non-issue. It was a non-issue when you got married because he was so sure of your love for him. So basically the name change is not about control or about wanting you to lose your identity...it is about desperately grasping at straws when all the evidence that he sees from you points to you not really being emotionally committed to this relationship. I think it is time to end this marriage...he needs closure so he can move on..and you need to move on. As you have pretty much stated, you were not gaga over this man even when you married him. This is ultimately what happens when people marry just to get married...down the road it inevitably falls apart at the seams because there was never a foundation of real solid love to build on.

[Lady Rashomon]

I am not meaning to hound you here but I imagine that cheating on your husband is also not part of your identity and culture - or of his. And that you also knew that before you married him. Do you love your name more than you love him?

 

It seems very much as if you aren't prepared to compromise at all - it's your way or the highway over everything.

 

I don't think this is true at all. There are many things I've compromised on in our marriage. Mutual acceptance and respect are two things I've strived for continuously. I had offered to take his surname as my middle name (which he refused). But in essence, I don't think that changing my name would be an easy antidote to the problems we have experienced.

[PrettyGood]

Well it's better to hear a bitter truth than a sweet lie... you know it, so be thankful because he doesn't waste your precious time. Secondly, he needed so much time, thoughts and courage to write so long and honest letter for you. Keep it in your mind. Don't attack him emotionally. And... the last thing is that I see some kind of problem in your family if your husband can't tell you directly about it or write it on a sheet of paper and write you as an email. It's a bad way to communicate. What should you do? I think you had a lot of problems in your relationships, so start a new one and end this one.

[DN]

I actually tried to leave very shortly after my affair because I felt that my uncertainty would ultimately destroy us both. He was very, very forceful and pushed the fact that neither of us would ever find a relationship like this one and that I'd be losing the most important thing that had ever happened to me if I left. I saw the pain that my leaving would cause him, and I just wanted to mitigate our suffering. So yes, in some ways, perhaps I am waiting for him to end it. It's certainly a cowardly move on my part, but I've never had to do anything so difficult in my life.

So essentially, you didn't really love him when you married him but did so for the wrong reasons, you cheated on him because you weren't fulfilled in some way, you stayed with him despite not loving him, you gave your word to change your name as a way of reassuring him but have since reneged on that and now you are taking the easy way out of the marriage by making him leave and look like the bad guy who gave up on the marriage.

 

All this talk of subsuming yourself in the marriage and losing your identity is really an excuse for your behaviour and your decisions. If you really are a strong woman with an identity of your own you could have made different decisions that did not involve hurting and continuing to hurt a man whose apparent mistake was to love and marry someone who doesn't love him.

 

I think you are not taking real responsibility here but are looking to some sort of excuse - whether that be feminism, bowing to convention in getting married in the first place or blaming him for not wanting to go to counseling. It is time for you to really do some self-analysis here and either properly commit to your husband as you promised when you married him or let him go so he can find someone who will.

 

What you are doing serves no one. Ans when I say compromise I mean over the really important things.