Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Lady Rashomon]

wow, that's the most amazing letter i've ever read.

 

Well, he's always had a way with words, and he is a very sensitive, sweet person. I hope that the lucky woman who gets to be with him next appreciates it.

[Circe]

No spark you have a marriage with a roommate.

 

Well, a room mate you have sex with and love.

 

Coming from an arranged marriage culture (i.e. my parents, grandparents, all my parents friends, a lot of people in my generation as well - all living in Western socieities btw) i just have to say that 'spark' is over-rated, love isn't. Spark fades - its life.. the more you are around someone the less physically/chemically exciting its going to be over a long stretch of time.

 

Personally, what I want first and foremost is someone to love me. Not someone who always feels a stir in their nether-regions when they look at me. And I'm not saying this is how either of you think. But I am very skeptical about this spark v room-mate dichotomy that people seem to think there is.

[OptomisticGirl]

See I equate that spark with love. That spark happens and you fall in love. You have to fan that spark over years because as you said, it does die down with age and children and life in general, but the spark, for me at least, isn't connected to sex at all. You can be sexually attracted to someone and have no spark.

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, a room mate you have sex with and love.

 

Coming from an arranged marriage culture (i.e. my parents, grandparents, all my parents friends, a lot of people in my generation as well - all living in Western socieities btw) i just have to say that 'spark' is over-rated, love isn't. Spark fades - its life.. the more you are around someone the less physically/chemically exciting its going to be over a long stretch of time.

 

Personally, what I want first and foremost is someone to love me. Not someone who always feels a stir in their nether-regions when they look at me. And I'm not saying this is how either of you think. But I am very skeptical about this spark v room-mate dichotomy that people seem to think there is.

 

I am actually from an arranged marriage culture myself, so I understand the idea that the spark is overrated and fades over time. To be honest, that's a major rationalization for why I married my husband. He was solid, he loved me, and we'd been through some major changes together--he was someone I knew would be in it for the long haul.

 

I think it all comes down to priorities--what can you live with, and what can you live without? The people I know who are in arranged marriages have managed to make it "work," but in my experience, that's always at a major cost. I can't say that my relatives are happy in their marriages, but then again, who am I to qualify personal happiness? For me, I realized, over time, that compatibility, conversation, and connection are key to a relationship. Amid the various problems we had (and there were a lot, persistent drug use just being one of them), I became disenchanted with many aspects of our relationship that ultimately (I think) were associated with an essential incompatibility and differences in our value systems.

 

I also agree with OptomisticGirl in that the spark isn't merely about sex (although I DO think that sex and healthy communication are important). It's about a deep spiritual connection that I know is possible between people. I refuse to believe that life is just an endless succession of monotonous tasks and a slavish adherence to the daily grind. I don't NEED to have puppies and rainbows at every step of the way, but a lively, agile, kind accomplice in life who is willing to go to the depths of their potential with me--that would be nice.

 

In the end, relationships are not static. Needs change.

 

For myself, with my "roommate," I had the love, but we didn't have the great sexual connection--which I think ultimately had to do with the erosion of intimacy and trust in our relationship over a period of years, not just with my infidelity.

[Pumpkin Pie]

I have to say I really admire the way you've handled yourself, both in ending your relationship and here in the thread, Lady Rashomon. You seem empathic and reasonable, despite what some people may have accused you of. Sometimes it takes doing something as drastic as conscious cheating to wake yourself up. Unfortunately, it's at the cost of someone else's ego injury, and your own miserable conscience. You seemed to have given it some considerable work from the look of it, and I'm glad you've finally made a decision that works for you.

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks, Pumpkin Pie. I'm definitely not trying to pat myself on the back, and I think a lot of the points that posters have made (including the ones that were, shall we say, a touch nasty) were valid. I'm not a perfect person and I've done some truly selfish and appalling things that I wish I hadn't. Most of all, I'm sorry that my inability to be honest with myself led to the childish manner in which I acted out. There were a lot of compromises that I made along the way--some of them were valuable, while others were detrimental. But something that became clear to me was that putting my energy into fixing a marriage that my heart and my spirit and my mind had flown from LONG AGO was cruel to both of us.

 

Anyway, thanks again for the kind words.

[benga]

I understand that this is your thread and the the reason for this was to receive some rational perspective of things and what to do next?

 

How is your STBX husband doing? Are you in touch/contact? How is he coping these days? Or would you rather not think about that now?

[Lady Rashomon]

Yes, I started this post to get clarity on what I should do. My STBX and I are still in contact; we haven't gone through the divorce procedure yet but I moved out and we still talk, mainly to check up on common bills, our two cats, etc. I know that he was deeply hurt and that this was difficult for him but he'd also been bracing himself for it, so he's not going absolutely insane. He's quite busy with his job, and I also know that he started seeing someone recently (a much younger co-worker, go figure). I am not at all jealous or angry about this; I feel that he is in a tough position and he is seeking comfort, validation, and in some ways just general intimacy. I want him to be happy, and if that means moving on from me quickly, so be it. He isn't angry at me anymore and I don't think he believes that we will be together someday. He's always been level-headed so I have a feeling that he's going to be fine in the long run. He's a very important person to me, so while we're doing LC, I hope we can someday be friends.

[benga]

I wish you both well in your respective pursuits of happiness. I have also been following this thread and didn't have much else to add. I think DN shares the same perspectives that I do on your situation.

 

I come with experience in this. My wife left me 4 years ago to go and re-discover herself.

 

Your husband, if he doesn't feel like a victim in this situation, will be able to move on. Moving on after being left by somebody who you have been with for 10+ years (with infidelity involved) isn't easy, but will happen in due course of time... Once again, provided he doesn't feel like a victim. Moving on, isn't necessary getting into a relationship, but more like rediscovering yourself and snapping the umbilical chord that tends to form in any marriage of a long duration. No matter how we view it, there tends to form some amount of codependency (healthy or otherwise) in most marriages. If he is able to cut those chords in a healthy manner, he will be fine and would have moved on. When that happens, he would have completely moved on. You don't have anything that binds you both together. You can still remain friends and in touch, but there would be nothing emotional from his side.

 

I wanted to voice this earlier, but my concern is not for your husband, but for you.... from what you have mentioned, I know your husband will be alright. The fact that is might be seeing somebody at this point of time, is just a distraction, a process so to say in the direction of healing... Here is why I am concerned about you.. I think you had in your marriage, your husband that "most" women are looking for in their partners. He is kind, loving, caring, concerned, dedicated and so on... (as you have mentioned in your multiple threads)... What more do you expect. I fear that you will go through a phase of being alone, single.. You may have a few passionate encounters, but may not find something deeper. By deeper it is the sense of security, love, care & compassion that is needed to support a long term relationship (passion included). You may see, explore, introspect over time, but may not find what you are looking for. The grass is almost never greener on the other side. Time, distance, space, being alone does strange things to us people. I fear that you may come out of this 3 - 4 years later with some sense of regret & remorse. I am not using the word guilt, because i think you have already been through that. But in every break up, irrespective of who initiates it, there is regret & remorse, and you haven't experience either.

 

Initial freedom is wonderful. It moves you away from a "tough spot" and gives you your independance. This feeling doesn't last forever.

 

I hope I am wrong for your benefit, but I thought I would voice my concerns & fears on the process that follows you from where you are right now.

 

I am not judging you, or telling you what is.. Just a perspective after seen things like this happen to almost everybody I know who is in the same place as you.

 

I wish your husband well and happiness. I hope you find what it is that you are looking for.

 

Benga

[prettymommy]

Lady R-

 

Just wanted to comment (after reading through all the posts) that I think you handled yourself quite well given what took place, and in the aftermath, to the ultimate decision.

 

I sympthize to your feelings. Was once engaged to someone who I had similar feelings about as you did for your STBX. Lack of intimacy was a problem too. But I loved him more like a brother, and felt I need to follow through with the engagement and wedding b/c it was what I felt was expected of me by him, his family, my family, and ultimatley society (given the not so subtle messages media inflicts on us about love/marriage). I ultimatley cheated too, and it was a wake up call for me to get out. I wasn't proud of what i did, but I knew that if I was doing something so against my value system, then there were larger issues going on that I wasn't addressing. It forced me to confront my unhappiness and very quickly, I knew I needed to leave- not only for my happiness, but for his. 10 years later, retrospectively, I wonder if he didn't feel in some ways similarly in the relationship, just never acted on it or choose to go along with "conformity".

 

I think a large part of the problem is expectations at a young age of what love/marriage is suppose to be like, and what you are suppose to do to make it work. I always expected there to be periods where I was less then enthused or in love with a partner, but where do you draw the line and say "the phase" actually is a real problem? I still grapple with that question.....

 

These days I don't know if I am cut out for a long term relationship, let a lone a marriage. I am much happier in my single life than I have ever been in a relationship. Even in those relationships where I was intoxicatedly in love.... the drama gets to me. I appreciate the stablity of a quite life on my own much more than I do the constant up and down of sharing a life with someone. I don't know if that makes me abnormal or what, but it is who I am right now.

 

Best of luck to you- and your STBX- in the coming months. Personally, reading through the thread, I think you made the correct decision. It's a hard decision to make, no matter the circumstances and feelings involved.

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks for your post and kind words. I understand that many people will question my ability to find happiness after my experience, which is a fair criticism to level. I've also contemplated a lot of what you've mentioned here in the past. What I should explain is that I'm not trying to rediscover myself or see if the grass is greener on the other side. My faith in love is still pretty strong, but I'm also fine with the idea of being by myself. I've never defined my self-worth or even my own sense of personal security on the basis of my relationship status. In my world, having security and all the creature comforts that people associate with marriage doesn't necessarily lend itself to something deep and meaningful. At the midst of this relationship, I felt hollow. Yes, my STBX is a wonderful person and has so many great qualities, but I don't think that his commitment to the marriage necessarily meant he was the man for me.

 

For starters, he is a recreational drug user and a functional addict (I know that he and his new gf are using together, to "take the edge off")--a factor that I chose to accept (because I thought love was about acceptance) early in our relationship, much to my detriment. Our core values are ultimately not the same. I quit a wonderful graduate degree program because he was adamant about me not being in school (even though he knew that higher education was a lifelong dream for me). Given his oblique communication style and my straightforwardness, we often found ourselves at odds. When we fought, arguments were much more antagonistic than just your typical married couple's spat because of this disconnect in our communication styles. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I found solace in other people, not him (intellectually is another matter--he and I bonded initially over our common interests and mental acuity). In the last two years, he became very resentful towards me because of my decision to not have children (a choice that has not changed in the nine years we were together), as he would someday like a family. I knew well before my infidelity that I was unhappy, but I didn't feel that it was in my power to change the situation. We had a lot of stuff in common, we had fun together, and we were generally supportive of each other, but in the end, how are such stark differences in temperament tantamount to a recipe for a successful marriage?

 

The bottom line: unlike a lot of people on this board, I am not afraid of being alone or single. I actually have a very full life, one that encompasses lots of people, lots of interests, a deep bond with my community, and a host of like-minded kindred spirits. I have a great deal of love to give, but I know that my life will still be worthwhile even if I never find a partner again. And, incidentally, I have at least half a dozen men, many of whom have known me for years, express interest in being in a serious relationship with me--not something I'm remotely interested in, but it's not as if prospects aren't in abundance. And actually, many of the people I know who left their partners due to similar situations are MUCH happier now and do not regret their decisions--perhaps this is just indicative of how they view life, I don't know. I just don't see how leading an existence of perpetual dissatisfaction with someone I am not in love with is preferable to the uncertainty of being alone.

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks for your message. I completely concur with you regarding your question about drawing the line between calling something a "phase" versus an actual problem. The buildup to the dissolution of my marriage has been slow but certain. I also married him because it seemed like the next inevitable step (we'd been together six years, our finances were becoming increasingly more intertwined, we felt comfortable with each other, the parents were asking about it). I know that most couples grapple with doubts, but mine was persistent to the point of being chronic. I don't really believe that my expectations of a partner are unrealistic or beyond the pale, so reconciling myself to this marriage didn't feel like an option after a while, especially when I knew that I could be just as happy on my own (my husband traveled a good amount for work, and the times that he was gone felt like a breath of fresh air for me). Of course, dealing with the repercussions of my action and the guilt was something that was deeply complex. I felt like I had to redeem myself somehow, but then there was this other part of me that was screaming, "But wait a minute! I don't actually want to be in this relationship and that was why I acted out!" I know that for some couples, infidelity can herald a deeper bond and the possibility of a renewed commitment if the cheating partner is truly penitent and wants to change. I truly regretted what I did, but my inability to "make amends" was based on the hard cold fact that I didn't care to. My heart wasn't in it. I'd left long ago.

 

I wouldn't really be surprised if my STBX remarried in the next two years or so. At heart, he is a traditional family man. I believe he'll find the happiness he's searching for, and that definitely gives me some peace.