Just got this e-mail from the husband--what to do?

[Sanesoul]

You cheated. That didn't come out of nowhere. He had a hand in your unhappiness, though you two should share this responsibility. I would never change my name for any man. What, we marry them and we lose our names and sense of self? No. He sounds hurt, but also controlling. You sound like me, independent. Women like us should never marry. We won't be happy and we will cause unhappiness in those we marry. Leave this man to find a woman who doesn't mind losing her identity and will stay faithful to him. They are out there, there is no shortage. You should leave and find a life that is completely your own. It is so worth it.

 

I have to disagree with this. I took my husband's name, and that certainly does not mean I lost my sense of self. Also, it's perfectly normal for the cheated on partner to ask for reassurances...that doesn't make them controlling.

 

the "losing her identity" statement is rather offensive to be honest.

[AndiD]

My cousin's husband took her name.

 

I'll be sure to mention to him that he's lost his identity. That will no doubt come as a surprise to him.

[Lady Rashomon]

I'm confused--where in this post did I mention any of the bolded things?

 

I don't disagree with many of the things that you are saying, but I'm not really trying to make excuses for myself here. I'm trying to make sense of what is going on in order to move forward.

[DN]

It was mentioned in the thread - I thought you agree with it.

 

If you could wave a magic wand and get whatever you want - what would that be?

[Lady Rashomon]

It was mentioned in the thread - I thought you agree with it.

 

If you could wave a magic wand and get whatever you want - what would that be?

 

No, I don't see things in absolutes and I believe marriage is what two individuals make it (although I certainly am much more unconventional than my husband).

 

If I could wave a magic wand and get what I wanted, I'd want both my husband and I to be happy, loved, and fulfilled in our lives. That's all I've ever wanted.

[AndiD]

I actually tried to leave very shortly after my affair because I felt that my uncertainty would ultimately destroy us both. He was very, very forceful and pushed the fact that neither of us would ever find a relationship like this one and that I'd be losing the most important thing that had ever happened to me if I left. I saw the pain that my leaving would cause him, and I just wanted to mitigate our suffering. So yes, in some ways, perhaps I am waiting for him to end it. It's certainly a cowardly move on my part, but I've never had to do anything so difficult in my life.

 

What are you still here asking about? You've already answered your own question. You want out. You want him to end it. You're too cowardly to do it yourself. The rest of this silliness about names and independence and how respectful you are or aren't is just not relevant.

 

If the above statement is accurate, stop being cruel and end it. Weakness is no excuse for cruelty.

[Lady Rashomon]

What are you still here asking about? You've already answered your own question. You want out. You want him to end it. You're too cowardly to do it yourself. The rest of this silliness about names and independence and how respectful you are or aren't is just not relevant.

 

If the above statement is accurate, stop being cruel and end it. Weakness is no excuse for cruelty.

 

It's hard to read this, but you're right.

 

I guess I now know what I must do.

[woodc5]

If I could wave a magic wand and get what I wanted, I'd want both my husband and I to be happy, loved, and fulfilled in our lives. That's all I've ever wanted.

 

Your answer says nothing about being "happy, loved, and fulfilled in our lives" together. As the other's have stated, you've answered your own questions and you no doubt realize it.

[dancingcolors]

wow, this is a heavy thread

[Stay_home]

Listen to me very carefully.

 

You are about to lose out on a really good thing if you don't straighten up and fly right. This guy is going to leave you, ok? And it'll be about 20 years until you ever find another man that comes along that is as noble as this guy sounds to be. Whatever you did and whatever you have been doing, you need to fix things and make it right, now. I'm telling you, in about twenty years you're going to be sick from regret if you let this guy walk out on you because you couldn't get your mind right. Have you read this board? Do you know how many women are out there, fighting tooth and nail trying to find a guy with core values that wants to settle down and be serious. Here you are with one and you're about to trash it. Please, reconsider.

[doiiiieeezie]

^

No truer words have been said. I do believe that you have had the notion that a relationship alone would make you whole. Only you can do that for yourself, and not even your husband or an affair can fill your shoes. However, you are being confronted with a choice that many of us would never want to face. I do see you from your words typed here as uncompromising and looking for a way out. but perhaps I am wrong, maybe we all are. However, the letter that you did show to us gives us one side of the story. He is asking for you to be true to yourself and him. Are you willing to fight for a relationship that can be rebuilt with time/love, trust communication and outside counseling? Or are you willing to throw what you described as something that can be worked on in another post all away? I don't think anyone is harping on you or looking down. You are facing a crossroad, and it may be too late soon to look back and ask him for another chance.

 

All the best.

[quirky]

NormalSin, that doesn't mean she should stay with him, they will both be unhappy if the OP is not into it for real. Maybe he sounds good but maybe she needs something different, not necessarily better. I definitely don't think she should stay out of fear, after all this is what has caused all this uncertainty.

 

HE, if you feel you have to leave then do it, so much in life is a leap of faith. We're all just saying our opinions anyway, you're the one that knows yourself. Spend some time alone if it's possible and be really honest with yourself.

[FreedomRing]

This is all well and good. But none of it is really going to resonate with the OP or people like her, if they just don't FEEL for their partner in that way. It might just take 20 years for her to realize it - and if so, so be it. It's her journey to walk and not anyone elses'. Clearly if she recognized what kind of person she was with, she would not cheated in the first place. You can't make someone feel something for someone that they just don't.

 

I think she has probably tried to work on developing those feelings for her husband since she cheated, but she just cannot. That is not something to blame. Blame only comes into the picture, imo, if she continues to stick around knowing full and well she is hurting him(and herself)after all this time.

 

A relationship can only take so much battering.

 

OP you have tried. Throw in the towel so you can both stop suffering.

[Lady Rashomon]

Actually, I don't think that a relationship will make me whole. I have never believed this before, and in many ways, that attitude is something that has perhaps led to this conflict in an indirect way. I think I've tried to be compromising to the best of my ability, but perhaps my approach has been selfish and I need to change it.

 

We've been working on it for the last year--I guess I wonder how much more effort it can take. But maybe we haven't left every stone unturned. Or I should force the issue of couples counseling. I just don't know anymore.

 

In response to the other poster who questioned his form of communication (an e-mail), he's on a business trip for the next week, so that was really the only way he could communicate what he felt.

[doiiiieeezie]

Perhaps you can take this time, as quirky has mentioned to be by yourself and reflect on your true feelings. He has hit you with the truth, and no one here would be able to give a simple answer to a complex situation if they were in your position.

 

It has been a year since all of this has happened and perhaps you may not be able to put the puzzle pieces back together. You can't make water out of stones... and if you are both exhausted and have done everything, then maybe it is time to let him go.

[DN]

I can't speak for him but perhaps he is resistant to the idea of couples counseling because it is as if you are saying "I cheated but both of us are responsible for me doing that."

 

Added to that may be "You can't even keep promises you made to me when we got married and when we tried to work things out after you cheated. If you can't keep your word over those things, why would seeing a counselor help?"

 

In other words - he may think that by insisting on counseling you are minimising what you did and trying to make it at least partly his fault. He isn't going to buy that until you prove that you can keep your promises and properly accept responsibility. Once he feels you are making a proper effort to try to repair the damage you caused he might agree to address anything that he may have done wrong.

[Lady Rashomon]

Look, I realize the cheating is my fault, but over the nine years I've known him, he's had a drug/alcohol problem that is only exacerbated in times of stress (which I didn't bring up earlier so as not to seem as if I was shifting the blame in some way). I think counseling would be beneficial to both of us; I'm not saying that he is to blame for what I did, but getting professional help to deal with the turmoil is, I think, the only way to begin to get things on track.

 

Regarding the "promise" that I made, I made it very clear to him that I would ONLY change my middle name to his surname. There has been a great deal of hyperbole and finger-pointing from his side, but it's also something that I understand given that this is an emotionally difficult time for him.

[AndiD]

Do you want to try to build a life with this person?

[DN]

Well, it does seem as if you are now bringing up his issues as if they have a bearing on what you did. Did they?

 

It can be very annoying, not to say destructive, for someone to say "I have an issue with you because of and you aren't keeping your promises in order to fix it" and then for the other person to say "I will only agree to discuss that issue, despite my promises, unless you agree to discuss the issues I have with you".

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, it does seem as if you are now bringing up his issues as if they have a bearing on what you did. Did they?

 

It can be very annoying, not to say destructive, for someone to say "I have an issue with you because of and you aren't keeping your promises in order to fix it" and then for the other person to say "I will only agree to discuss that issue, despite my promises, unless you agree to discuss the issues I have with you".

 

I saw a therapist for several months after my affair to sort out why I did what I did. And yes, I would say that the drugs and alcohol and addiction over the years had a significant effect on my feelings for my husband--as well as the sexual attraction and sense of emotional security--diminishing. Is my cheating a direct result of this? Of course not. My cheating is the result of a terribly foolish and selfish decision. I should have dealt with my issues with the husband head-on well before I went down that route and I take full responsibility for my avoidance.

 

I hate to look at this as a * * * -for-tat sort of thing, where I did something that I need to "fix" and that's that. It seems like a simplistic solution to something that requires greater attention. In examining myself and both of us after the affair, there is so much that needs to be worked on between us. Communication is quite poor between us in general, and of course, that is worsened by the screaming matches that occur in states of inebriation. I fail to see how my asking him to go to counseling with me is being importunate or unreasonable, or how it signifies me avoiding responsibility.

 

And in terms of the "promise," he told me four or five months ago that the name change wasn't important to him anymore, but obviously it still is. This is the first I've heard of it since then.

[DN]

I read an early thread of yours where you also said you married him against your better judgment and that he wanted children and you didn't. It seems these issues are unresolved as well?

 

You say he had the drugs and alcohol problems ever since you have known him. Given those problems, and especially in the light of your doubts and different views on children, why did they not stop you marrying him? There is a disconnect here somewhere that is making this hard to understand and complicated by new bits of information being thrown in.

[Lady Rashomon]

I read an early thread of yours where you also said you married him against your better judgment and that he wanted children and you didn't. It seems these issues are unresolved as well?

 

You say he had the drugs and alcohol problems ever since you have known him. Given those problems, and especially in the light of your doubts and different views on children, why did they not stop you marrying him? There is a disconnect here somewhere that is making this hard to understand and complicated by new bits of information being thrown in.

 

Of course, there is always a long backstory to everything. Correct--when I met him, he had fairly major drug/alcohol problems, to the extent that in his early 20s, he was in rehab for periods at a time. I had never been in an LTR, nobody drinks or does drugs in my family or circle of friends--it was very new to me, so for the first couple of years I normalized it. There were a few times when we were close to breaking up because of it, but he gradually cut down A LOT. And he has always been very functional except in times of high stress. Around the time we married, we'd had serious discussions about the drug use (to the extent that I even suggested he go to NA and AA), and a lot of his toxic friends and bad behavior were cut out, especially because he was in a position where he needed to cultivate more responsibility with his career.

 

In retrospect, perhaps I should have asked for premarital counseling. I don't know. We had a lot of happy times dispersed throughout that period, so I think it was easy for me to turn the other way. Very big mistake for both of us, obviously. The problem has lessened over the years, but now it's back at full force. I have encouraged him to seek individual counseling, if only to deal with how he is managing his stress (which I've tried to help to the best of my ability).

 

Regarding him wanting children, this is something that developed only AFTER we married--when a whole host of other problems cropped up. I was always very clear that I did not want children before we married, and he seemed to be on the same page. It came out a couple years ago (we've been married three years) that he did indeed want kids and thought I'd eventually change my mind. I don't think this has to do with our fundamental values being different, but the fact that so-called fundamental values can change over time.

[Stay_home]

Listen,

 

This guy IS her type, he just isn't her type right now, apparently. That's because she needs to straighten things out. What kind of woman doesn't want a man like this? Eventually they all want men like that, just not all at the same time. For some it's sooner than later and for the other half it's much later into the older years of their lives. I'm hoping to save her a few years of gray hair by reminding her that the grass is not very greener out there. If she genuinely is not interested, of course there's nothing that can be done about that. However if she is, but just thinking that there's something newer, better or more exciting to test the waters on, she might want to think twice about taking the boat out. Cause once the storm hits, it's going to be hard to get it back to shore.

[DN]

I am more often than not in favour of couples working things out. I advocate for that and have helped people accomplish it.

 

But in this case I don't see a way forward. I don't see a real sense of responsibility for actions other than an admittance of fact rather than fault; I don't see much real empathy for how much he has been hurt, I don't see any willingness to change a viewpoint or keep a commitment, I don't see any real ambition or desire to save a relationship that was probably never 'real' in any meaningful sense from the beginning from your side.

 

Most of all - I don't see or sense any romantic love - not the sort necessary for a successful marriage.

 

A counselor can't make you fall in love with him. That should have happened before you married him.

[Lady Rashomon]

Everything that you've mentioned is pretty much WHY I've stayed for as long as I have to try to work things out. He has his faults, but he's a very good man--kind, smart, honest, loving, and deeply compassionate.

 

But for the record, I'm not looking for something "newer, better or more exciting." I am not looking for a bad boy or someone to massage my ego. I am not the kind of person to rebound from one relationship to the next; if anything, if this one ends, I'd probably be the kind of person to quit life for a year or two and go on a silent meditation retreat!

 

The issue has partly been "Should I be married to this person?" but it's mostly been "What is best for him? What is best for me? Should I be married to begin with?" I know that I will never stray again, and that I have no desire to, but emotional commitment is about so much more than sexual fidelity. And I'm not sure how to fix this feeling of disconnection. Not sure if it's innate or something that can ultimately change with time and effort.