Sinking into deep despair

[CallingAllAngels]

Hello all...

 

I have been gone so long, I am NOT sure who is still here that even remembers me.

 

I am SINKING QUICKLY into a DEEP DISPAIR which I see NO END to.

 

In the past 10 months I have lost:

 

My Health, to Interstial Cystitis, a bladder disease for which there is no cure, and VERY few treatment options. Symptoms include urinary frequency of up to 30 times a day and night and severe bladder pain. I average about 10 Dr's appts a month, and have resorted to traveling 4 hours round trip to see a Urologist that is at least willing to TRY other options.

 

My job I was terminated from my employer because of the above mentioned disease...I cannot work with it. I worked there for 23 years and made over $50,000 a year. Now I will get a small Disability Pension of $1300 a month, PLUS $1700 from SSDI, which I qualified for.

 

My brother He has divorced himself from my family, for reasons unknown to us. He was my BEST friend, and left me when I needed him the most. NO ONE in my family knows where he is. I know from people who have seen him that he is married, and has a son...my only Nephew...my parent's only Grandchild, who, we will all probably never see.

 

This has SEVERELY affected my relationship with my Boyfriend, who, was going to leave, but then decided to stay. Why anyone would want to stay with someone as sick as me is BEYOND me. I think he is just USING me as a cheap place to stay, since he has been UNEMPLOYED since May of 2008. When I met him 2 years ago, I thought the sun rose and set on him. Now...I really feel nothing, and that's probably because I am just a shadow of my former self, and feel nothing about most things.

 

I have almost 6 months of sobriety through AA, but I am SICK of going to those meetings, only to hear people say "how good their life has become since they stopped drinking." It's a slap in the face. My days are filled with despondency and despair, so, I stopped going, and, honestly, if I start drinking again, I don't care.

 

I am in danger of losing my Faith, something I found again after over 25 years. I ask God for Mercy everyday, yet I am granted none. God has NEVER seemed as far away from me as he does now.

 

I have lost all Joy...ANY reason for wanting to live. In fact, I DON'T want to live this life anymore. I just don't. THIS is not living...it's HELL.

 

I got a LOT of help here during my 2007 divorce from some great people. In return, I stayed, and tried to help others, until I became so sick that my posts were just too negative.

 

I am looking for some of that "good stuff" you guys and gals have always had to offer.

 

Please help me...I really have no where else to turn.

 

Thanks for reading...

 

~Allie

[waveseer]

I'm glad you came back and I'm sorry you're in so much discomfort. Is there anything positive about your life? It might help you to talk about it for a few minutes.

[CallingAllAngels]

I'm glad you came back and I'm sorry you're in so much discomfort. Is there anything positive about your life? It might help you to talk about it for a few minutes.

 

The ONLY positive thing in my life are my parent's, who are there for me no matter what. But, they are in their 70's, and should NOT have to be driving me back and forth for all these medical procedures.

[testcase]

Hey, so sorry you are going through this. Don't give up hope though. As waveseer said their has to be some positives in your life. Try to focus on those. Also you found a urologist who is at least willing to try new options? Maybe there is at least something that can be done to relieve your symptoms, you just haven't found a doctor that knows how to do that yet. Again don't give up hope.

[waveseer]

The ONLY positive thing in my life are my parent's, who are there for me no matter what. But, they are in their 70's, and should NOT have to be driving me back and forth for all these medical procedures.

 

As a parent I can tell you that they don't think twice about helping you get the care you need. I'm relieved to know you do have people in your life on whom you can depend for support.

[CallingAllAngels]

Hey, so sorry you are going through this. Don't give up hope though. As waveseer said their has to be some positives in your life. Try to focus on those. Also you found a urologist who is at least willing to try new options? Maybe there is at least something that can be done to relieve your symptoms, you just haven't found a doctor that knows how to do that yet. Again don't give up hope.

 

That's what I am looking for...a BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE. I just can't GET it...every Dr just shakes their head and says "This is really a horrible disease to treat."

 

Man, I'm just so low down, I'm absolutely level to the ground.

[CallingAllAngels]

As a parent I can tell you that they don't think twice about helping you get the care you need. I'm relieved to know you do have people in your life on whom you can depend for support.

 

They are always there, but again, they are in their 70's and should NOT have to be doing all this. It's not fair to them...

[doityourself]

Wow, Im sorry you have so much going on, I know this will not help.

 

But can you take a minute for yourself, a breather, a trip for a couple days so you can refresh? Maybe go sit by the ocean and listen to some waves, or hike into a forrest and listen to the nothings.

 

I seen you help tons of people on here, that should make you feel good that youve made an impact of someones life. Can you invite some friends over, tell them you want to have a pity party. (we all deserve them every now and then)

[waveseer]

They are always there, but again, they are in their 70's and should NOT have to be doing all this. It's not fair to them...

 

As older folks I'm sure your parents have learned to cope with what life brings them whether convenient or not. One of the hardest things to do is to learn to accept help graciously. Letting them know you appreciate all they do for you is plenty. I don't think they dwell on how their lives should be, and I think it might help if you didn't either.

[arwen]

Hey Allie,

 

Although it's good to see you back, I am very sorry that you're going through so many things

 

It's awful to have a complicated condition like you describe. All you can do is hope it will get 'manageable', and hope that in the future, there will be better cures/treatments for it. Is it at all possible to participate in maybe experimental trials focused on your condition? Or is the condition too rare? I am just thinking out loud now.

 

Hugs. Hope things will look up soon for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

(((((hugs))))) I am sorry things have gotten worse for you. Is there any kind of support group for people with this disease? Are you housebound or can you get out and join an activity for an hour or two a day?

[CallingAllAngels]

Wow, Im sorry you have so much going on, I know this will not help.

 

But can you take a minute for yourself, a breather, a trip for a couple days so you can refresh? Maybe go sit by the ocean and listen to some waves, or hike into a forrest and listen to the nothings.

 

I seen you help tons of people on here, that should make you feel good that youve made an impact of someones life. Can you invite some friends over, tell them you want to have a pity party. (we all deserve them every now and then)

 

I'm supposed to go to the Ocean on a trip with my parents later in September, but, I am thinking of not going because I don't want to bring them down...I think they need a vacation from ME!

 

Thanks for saying all the nice things you did about me...about me helping others. Again, once I got through my divorce, I stayed to "pay back" and try to help others, as I was once helped.

 

Thank you for your post.

[CallingAllAngels]

Hey Allie,

 

Although it's good to see you back, I am very sorry that you're going through so many things

 

It's awful to have a complicated condition like you describe. All you can do is hope it will get 'manageable', and hope that in the future, there will be better cures/treatments for it. Is it at all possible to participate in maybe experimental trials focused on your condition? Or is the condition too rare? I am just thinking out loud now.

 

Hugs. Hope things will look up soon for you.

 

Thanks for the welcome back, and for the hugs and well wishes.

 

I KNOW all I can hope for is some sort of "managability" of this disease, and, that is what I have been PRAYING for, without ANY answers at all.

 

Yes, there ARE some experimental trials, and I would be willing to participate in ANY of them, but, unfortunately, they are NOT offered anywhere near my home..usually in VERY big cities, like Boston or Dallas, which, are far far away from me.

 

Thanks again for your post...

[CallingAllAngels]

(((((hugs))))) I am sorry things have gotten worse for you. Is there any kind of support group for people with this disease? Are you housebound or can you get out and join an activity for an hour or two a day?

 

Hey CAD...good to hear from you, and thank you for the hugs.

 

There is an ON LINE support group for this disease, HOWEVER, it is SO NEGATIVE, with NO ONE getting better, some woman getting worse and worse, that I GOT OFF IT, because it was depressing me.

 

I remember when I first joined it, and they had a whole section dedicated for help on getting SSDI. And I thought "SSDI???? SURELY this can't get THAT bad that I won't be able to return to work!" But, here I am...no job, and, got approved for SSDI first time, no lawyer. Guess I should be grateful for that.

 

Thanks again for your post......

[andi8172]

youre going through all this and giving up drinking wow youre strong,you probably have so many books and manuals to read on this condition so at least your urologist is with you even if it is a coupla hours away and youre parents obviously love you thats what there supposed to do as you do for them im sure the medical journals update so often the help you need may be just round the corner so i hope you stay strong

[CallingAllAngels]

youre going through all this and giving up drinking wow youre strong,you probably have so many books and manuals to read on this condition so at least your urologist is with you even if it is a coupla hours away and youre parents obviously love you thats what there supposed to do as you do for them im sure the medical journals update so often the help you need may be just round the corner so i hope you stay strong

 

Thank you. I have MANY books on this disease...again...all are so very depressing to read, as there is no cure, few treatment options, blah blah blah, that I try to stay away from them.

 

Yes, my parents love me...no doubt about that.

 

And while I have maintained almost 6 months of sobriety, I am in danger of losing that, since I will NOT attend anymore AA meetings, only to listen to people say "how great their lives have become since they gave up drinking." Everytime I hear that, it is like a slap accross my face.

 

I doubt a cure is right around the corner, but I thank you for your post.

[andi8172]

when people tell me how great thier life is i imagine them walking along and falling down a manhole.lol,or maybe something like the final destination film?makes me smile try it

[HeartGoesOn]

Allie...Glad to see you posting again. I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain, and despair. All I can offer is "Hugssss" and please don't give up on yourself, you have many good qualities, which you've clearly shown on this forum.

 

Take care...

[sophie274]

Hi Allie,

 

I wish I could help - I'm afraid I don't know what to say other than we are all thinking of you, and hoping and praying for you, and keeping all of our fingers and toes crossed that things will look up for you.

 

Don't feel that you are a burden on people - if they want to help and offer to help, don't second-guess them but take those offers at face value and lean on them. Many people really do love to help others, and are more than happy to lend a hand.

 

Big hugs Allie.

[lavenderdove]

Hi Allie,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down....

 

A while ago, i went thru a 3 year period where i: got divorced, my dad died suddenly of pneumonia, my mother had a paralyzing stroke and needed care round the clock, then she died after a couple years, both my old dogs died, the man i fell in love with knocked up an ex and left me to marry her, i got diagnosed with a serious chronic disease, AND i got a terrible nutbucket of a boss at work who constantly persecuted his employees and made unrealistic overtime demands.

 

Believe me, i do understand, but you shouldn't lose hope! Life has a weird way of cycling, and just when you think you can't take it anymore, something changes. Life is about change, and sometimes the bad things pile up, and sometimes the good things pile up. And there can be other long stable periods where nothing much happens at all.

 

And look at it this way... you get $3K/month from disability, and i think that is tax-free... if you're like most people and paid about 30% in taxes (state plus federal), then your take home will be almost the same as it was before. So with some careful budgeting, you won't have financial trouble. So you can look at it as a loss, or that you've 'retired early' and get the blessing of time rather than work.

 

Next, you do have time... what are you going to do with it? You know stress aggravates your condition, so why not take up yoga? See if you can sign up for a class with other women, the relaxing kind of yoga that teaches you to de-stress.

 

Regarding your brother, my brother spent most of his time trying to guilt my parents out of money, so i learned to be just fine without him as he was NOT my kind of person. Get out there and take some yoga classes, meet people, and make a new support system. Join a library book club, anything that might be relaxing and help you meet people for friends and not to dwell on your illness.

 

And continue to actively pursue your health... perhaps if you relieve some of your stress, your condition would improve. Keep searching looking for solutions, as new treatments and drugs arrive all the time.

 

As they say, when a door closes, another opens. You're freed from having to work now, and can focus on your health and mental wellbeing. Perhaps you can find a free or counselor to talk to help you thru these tough times. Life cycles, and you just have to hang in there sometimes. You've had a bad run, but a good run could be waiting just around the corner!

[lavenderdove]

btw, AA isn't the only way to stop drinking... there are organization such as Rational Recovery that focus on your power as an individual and understanding how addiction works, to recognize that you can't ever drink again, but it is a CHOICE that you are well capable of making, since you know drinking messes you up and makes you more depressed.

 

try this website: link removed and take the crash course on AVRT.

[CallingAllAngels]

Allie...Glad to see you posting again. I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain, and despair. All I can offer is "Hugssss" and please don't give up on yourself, you have many good qualities, which you've clearly shown on this forum.

 

Take care...

 

Thanks for the hugs, and the nice things you said about me.

 

Just here, hanging on by a thread...

[CallingAllAngels]

I am sorry for all you went through. I really really am. I know we all have crosses to bear in life. Mine just seems so heavy right now.

 

I will have to check out some yoga, somewhere. It's been suggested to me by my new Dr. But with 10+ Dr's appts a month, it might be hard to fit in.

 

I'll keep waiting for that "other door to open", but, I really don't hold out much hope.

 

That's what I have lost the most...Hope.

 

Thanks again for your post.

[Applewhite]

Allie I strongly urge you to please try yoga. It is also very true that relieving stress can make your condition significantly improve. I also love love lavenderdove's outlook on the situation. You CAN give it a positive spin. Indeed you are much more secure than many people are financially so that is a blessing in disguise. And with all the time on your hands you can focus on yourself and little by little improve the quality of your life. You can do yoga, listen to music, make music, meet new people, redecorate your house, read about new things... the possibilities are endless. This could be a turning point in your life. Even though everything seems gloomy now I think it is all in your hands to make this a changing point in your life - but for the better! Think about it. It CAN be done. I just hope you find the strength within to WANT it.

[doityourself]

I'm supposed to go to the Ocean on a trip with my parents later in September, but, I am thinking of not going because I don't want to bring them down...I think they need a vacation from ME!

 

Thanks for saying all the nice things you did about me...about me helping others. Again, once I got through my divorce, I stayed to "pay back" and try to help others, as I was once helped.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I love the ocean, nothing more relaxing to me than that. If they asked you to go, then I would go. Yes they made need a break and you a break from them but you both may worry just as much if you dont go. So go and you know what, do things on your own so you can hear your own thoughts, at your own pace.

 

Then maybe you guys can meet up for lunch or dinner. Do you think you could ask a girlfriend to go with you?

 

I pray that you are able to fight your drinking demons, I think that would yes give you a temporary release but as you know we have to wake up the next day and face reality, and drinking brings you down even further.

 

I hope today has been a better day.