BriarRose Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 I don't believe he has "committment issues", but I agree with all the rest. Sounds like he does like her very much, and maybe you are right in that he will quit going on-line if she calls him on it. He genuinely cares for her, he spends too much time with her not to. Link to comment
citymouse Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Yeah, I'm not sure about the commitment issues either. I just don't know how to explain the contrast between him being with her all the time vs. going online. For Puddincup's sake, I hope it works out. Sometimes the anticipation of the discussion is the worst -- you overanalyze what you might say or what he might say, and all the worst case scenarios that could result. Then when you actually start talking about it, it's a relief. I hope that will be the case. Puddincup, whenever you do feel ready to bring this up, try to psych yourself up so that you can stick to your main point. I think it's called the broken record technique. He may divert the conversation by going off track, giving vague answers, or getting sidetracked with things that are beside the point, such as "but we've been having so much fun" or "it's no big deal" or "you're reading too much into this." Just a thought. Link to comment
Puddincup Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 I guess my real fear is that maybe he is using me. He does do some nice things for me but I am really good to him in return. He might think I am not the one (thus the online perusing) but too good in the short term to give up (thus keeping me around in the meantime). I just wonder if a guy is using you, does he introduce you to his family and friends, spend lots of time with you, spend money, buy flowers? I feel like that is a lot of time and energy to spend just to have sex and then even if he was using me originally for sex, wouldn't he start to be invested after seven months (almost eight at this point)? Citymouse, you're right, I have over-thought this and now I am dreading it. Batya, Marshmlofluff and Miss Kitty - thanks for sticking with my story and giving me your insight. You guys have a lot of good advice. And everyone else too. It is helping me. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I wish uncomfynumb were on this thread; she tends to have very good answers to this sort of question. I guess my real fear is that maybe he is using me. He does do some nice things for me but I am really good to him in return. He might think I am not the one (thus the online perusing) but too good in the short term to give up (thus keeping me around in the meantime). I just wonder if a guy is using you, does he introduce you to his family and friends, spend lots of time with you, spend money, buy flowers? I feel like that is a lot of time and energy to spend just to have sex My ex did all the same things, except the flowers. He even said over and over again, starting on our second date even, that he would not be in a relationship if he did not see the possibility of marriage. I don't think he was using me at all. I think he genuinely wanted to be in love, hoped he was, and at one point he even told me unprompted that he was thinking of taking the ad down. But he was, fundamentally, a commitmentphobe. He was the sort of guy who was very critical--he was never quite satisfied with anything--whether it was a job or his friends or his family or his car or his last few girlfriends, or me. And so I think he probably wanted to keep an eye out for someone better--and also by keeping the ad up, to assert both to me and to himself his independence and the fact that he wasn't really totally committed. So although everything seemed good on the surface, the ad--which seemed like a small thing--was actually the tip of an absolute iceberg of commitmentphobia. When I called him on it, the iceberg turned over. He must have felt like suddenly his autonomy and independence and his lifestyle were all threatened. He panicked, felt trapped--and then eventually, he bolted. Even so, I am glad I talked to him about it when I did. If it had been a non-issue, our relationship would have progressed uneventfully; if it was an issue, better on the table than under it. I don't think things would have ended any differently if I hadn't spoken up; they just would have taken a little longer to end. and then even if he was using me originally for sex, wouldn't he start to be invested after seven months (almost eight at this point)? (1) As a general rule, I don't think that men necessarily operate that way (though some do). (2) Also, there is a difference between being invested and thinking you are "The One." Your boyfriend's intentions may be perfectly legit. But I wonder if you should really be having sex with this guy while he is still online, even if he is there just to "clear out the queue." In any event, the only person who can really know what is in your boyfriend's head is your boyfriend. If his actions are bothering you enough to start a thread, then I think the best thing to do (as you have already noted) is to gather your courage, and broach the subject, without being confrontational. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I don't think he has commitment issues - he enjoys the perks and benefits of being a couple but also wants the benefits of keeping his options open so he can comparison shop. I don't think he is using you just because he doesn't want a commmitment with you right now. He probably enjoys your company and he might change his mind down the road and want to commit to you. It's your actions that might end up being confusing to yourself - if you do want a commitment, you probably have a better chance of having him realize he wants one with you if you are not available to him to "play house" and meet the family/friends, etc. Let him miss you and see what life is like without you rather than getting all the benefits of coupledom while comparison shopping on the side. As I wrote above - no aggressive confrontation, no ultimatum, just sharing your personal standards and values (one of them being "if someone is committed to me and dating only me, I don't feel comfortable with him having a profile on a dating site where he advertises himself as single, especially if he is logging on), wishing him well and telling him that if/when he changes his mind, if you are still interested/available you will consider it. I also don't think this has anything to do with gender. I behaved very similarly to him with an ex of mine (with the difference being that I was honest about not wanting to be exclusive yet). Link to comment
BriarRose Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Given the way he treats you and the amount of time you spend together, no, I do not feel he is using you - especially for 7 months - sex just isn't that hard to find, lol! I think he is just browsing on-line because he can. Because you haven't called him on it. Given how you describe him, I am thinking he will probably remove the profile if you have a real talk with him. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I think if he thought that having his profile up and active would cause him to lose you, that he would remove it pronto. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 We have no way of knowing what this guy is thinking. I am still dealing with my boyfriend and his obsessive checking of his OKC profile, every time "he is bored". I have spoken to him on numerous occasions about it and the answer is always the same. "I will take it down if you make me."...but that is not the kind of commitment I want...not a forced one. I am choosing to stay with my guy, knowing very well that he has SERIOUS COMMITMENT issues. It may not be the right choice, but it is my choice, ultimately....so the OP should know that the power really is with her...to either stay or walk away. Link to comment
Puddincup Posted July 7, 2010 Author Share Posted July 7, 2010 Just wanted to follow up on my thread... Two weekends ago, I talked to him about this. Told him I didn't like it. Told him I was going to have to move on since I was getting too attached. He appeared to be really surprised. Told me that he couldn't care less about going online but just did it when he was bored (as I suspected). Told me he didn't want to lose me and would stop. So he stopped. Told me that he was getting really attached to me too. Gave me some more flowers. He seems like he is sincere about being bored and clearing "the queue". I guess time will tell. Since then he hasn't gone online. What do you guys think? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 Sounds positive! But like you say time will tell. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 Good, and I'm glad you talked to him! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 Just wanted to follow up on my thread... Two weekends ago, I talked to him about this. Told him I didn't like it. Told him I was going to have to move on since I was getting too attached. He appeared to be really surprised. Told me that he couldn't care less about going online but just did it when he was bored (as I suspected). Told me he didn't want to lose me and would stop. So he stopped. Told me that he was getting really attached to me too. Gave me some more flowers. He seems like he is sincere about being bored and clearing "the queue". I guess time will tell. Since then he hasn't gone online. What do you guys think? That sounds great - maybe that was the wake up call he needed. Link to comment
anggrace Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 That's great that you were upfront. I think that's always the best way to go. When you say that he hasn't gone online, do you mean his account is completely gone? I don't even see the point in having one, even if it's hidden or inactive. You both should completely do away with it IMO Link to comment
BriarRose Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 This sounds very promising....I was wrong about him, initially. Sounds like he is falling for you.... Link to comment
Puddincup Posted July 7, 2010 Author Share Posted July 7, 2010 This sounds very promising....I was wrong about him, initially. Sounds like he is falling for you.... Well like I've said in some of my other posts, sleeping together really early on kind of messed with my head because then I wasn't sure if he liked me for me or just for sex. I always say that 'time will tell' but to be honest I am surprised how this whole thing is playing out because it didn't start out the way my relationships usually start out. Of course I'm still single so maybe the "normal" way of starting a relationship is not always the best way. Who knows? Link to comment
BriarRose Posted July 7, 2010 Share Posted July 7, 2010 Well like I've said in some of my other posts, sleeping together really early on kind of messed with my head because then I wasn't sure if he liked me for me or just for sex. I always say that 'time will tell' but to be honest I am surprised how this whole thing is playing out because it didn't start out the way my relationships usually start out. Of course I'm still single so maybe the "normal" way of starting a relationship is not always the best way. Who knows? No one stays with someone for 7 months just for sex, IMO. I mean, sex just isn't that hard to get. Relationships yes. Sex, no. Link to comment
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