He's still checking his online dating account...hmmm....

[Puddincup]

Update: I asked him last night if he was still looking on match and he said "no" without any hesitation. Then he said "well I do log on every few days and clear out the queue". So I said "what queue?" and he said "The counter that shows you how many people have looked at your profile." I asked him if looked at the women who had looked at him and he said "no, I just clear the queue". I didn't ask him why he was so fanatical about clearing out the queue. I should have but I didn't think of it quick enough. So what do you think of his excuse? Should I take him at his word? I know he's not meeting anybody so I feel like I should just let it run its course.

[metrogirl]

If he's in a relationship with you, he shouldn't care about the queue.

[Batya33]

That's ridiculous. There's no need to clear a "queue." And so what if he looks - I am sure he notices other women from time to time - nothing is differient about this except for the fact that every time he logs on, he gets higher priority in people's searches (is his profile hidden??). I don't think he's being truthful with you and I would tell him that his logging on is inconsistent with being in an exclusive relationship with you.

 

Oh - I continued to log on after I became exclusive - because I thought, wrongly, that my profile was hidden from everyone. I logged on to look at friends' profiles for them and the men they were meeting or thinking of meeting. Once I found out that my profile was not completely hidden, I took the necessary steps to remove my profile completely from the site. My husband knew, at the time, that I was still logging on, why I was logging on, and was fine with it. I wouldn't have kept that a secret from him.

[Puddincup]

No, his profile is not hidden.

[Batya33]

No, his profile is not hidden.

 

Then he is still advertising to the world that he is single and available and by logging in he comes up closer to the top on searches. I would say that is not consistent with being in an exclusive relationship. What do you think?

[metrogirl]

No, his profile is not hidden.

 

Then he's being a sneaky snake.

[Puddincup]

I know it looks bad but he is really great to me and we have a lot of fun and we spend a lot of time together. Maybe I should just ignore this and see what happens?

[metrogirl]

I know it looks bad but he is really great to me and we have a lot of fun and we spend a lot of time together. Maybe I should just ignore this and see what happens?

 

Would it be different if he was being as ass to you?

 

If he's still checking to see if something is better out there, then I don't care how good he is to you, he's still looking.

[Puddincup]

Would it be different if he was being as ass to you?

 

If he's still checking to see if something is better out there, then I don't care how good he is to you, he's still looking.

 

Yes, it would be easy to give him up if he was an ass, but he's not. He is sweet, kind and generous. We have a good time together and it pains me to think that I "should" break up with him because of this.

[metrogirl]

Yes, it would be easy to give him up if he was an ass, but he's not. He is sweet, kind and generous. We have a good time together and it pains me to think that I "should" break up with him because of this.

 

Well you have ass men that cheat and nice men that cheat. I'm not sure which is the lessor of two evils.

 

I shouldn't go so far as to say that he is cheating, but I have to wonder if he is keeping his options open.

 

Let me ask you this, are you willing to tell him that what he is doing seems really shady in your eyes.

[Fudgie]

It sounds like something like this is eating you up. I would definitely ask him about it in a relaxed, non-threatening manner WITHOUT getting emotional. Or just say that you "saw him active" when you logged in to check if your profile was still active. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

 

I agree with metrogirl, he may not be cheating but he may be keeping his options open.

[Puddincup]

I'm thinking that some people take more time than others to really commit to someone. Maybe they do keep their options open because they are not ready psychologically for things to get too serious even though they wouldn't really do anything with someone else.

 

I figure that I know what he's doing so I can watch for signals that he's moving away from me. So far all I see is him moving closer to me. Isn't it premature to walk away?

[citymouse]

I don't think you need to necessarily break up with him in order to stick up for yourself here. If you guys had just started dating and this were early on, say less than two or three months, then I would let it slide. But after this amount of time, I think you're entitled to know where you stand with him.

 

It sounds like he's really nice in a lot of ways, you've clicked, you're having fun and all that. Maybe he really isn't cheating, hasn't gone out with anyone, hasn't even contacted another woman. Maybe all of that is above board. But after seven months, it's not fair for you to have to roll with this and be patient with his process and let him take all the time he wants to decide when he's finally going to be ready (if ever) to stop checking in on Match.

 

 

I think he should be taking your interests more to heart here. When he replied that he was just clearing the queue, it would seem to me that his next comment would have been something like: "Does that bother you? I won't do it any more if you feel funny about it." To me that would be an obvious thing to say after seven months of being exclusive.

 

If you're getting signals -- otherwise than the Match thing -- that he's moving closer to you -- then why not trust that? If you nicely and confidently stand tall and tell him *calmly* that you're uncomfortable with his checking on Match all the time, don't you think he would pick your comfort zone ande your feelings over his need to check in regularly and clear the queue?

 

It sounds like you have a lot of fun together. That is a two way street -- you value this relationship and I would hope he does too. I think you can find out to what degree he's being honest with you (or even honest with himself) by drawing your line in the sand. I'm not talking about giving an ultimatum, throwing a fit, being needy or clingy or desperate. Just let him know this doesn't work for you, it sends a signal to you that makes you question whether he's looking at other women, and you're uncomfortable with it, and that if he continues to do it, you might need to re-think this whole thing. Put it gently and kindly, like that, and see how he reacts.

 

I know this is a tough situation you're in... hope you find a way to deal with this that will give you some answers and some peace.

: )

[Batya33]

I'm thinking that some people take more time than others to really commit to someone. Maybe they do keep their options open because they are not ready psychologically for things to get too serious even though they wouldn't really do anything with someone else.

 

I figure that I know what he's doing so I can watch for signals that he's moving away from me. So far all I see is him moving closer to me. Isn't it premature to walk away?

 

Yes, intellectually that is true. For me the only relevant thing would be whether emotionally you personally feel comfortable with him not being committed to you exclusively - keeping his options open - and whether you have a deadline for how long you will be ok with him not being exclusive with you. The rest is for him and his therapist, counselor, or friend to deal with - since you;re romantically involved with him I don't think it's a good idea to play therapist and "analyze" the "why: - who cares "why" - what matters is the reality that he is keeping his options open and that you seem to be uncomfortable with that reality. It's his issue to deal with the "why" (unless there's some issue he has with you that you can work on but it sounds like that is not the case).

 

The other issue is his dishonesty - he is keeping his options open but trying not to admit that, likely so he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

I was in a similar situation about 7 years ago "I want to be monogamous with you but I want the freedom to meet another woman for coffee if I feel like it" (he meant as in with romantic potential)'. I told myself rationally, intellectually, that we'd only been dating 6 weeks, that I should be more understanding about a man's need to keep his options open, that at least we would be sexually monogamous (we had not had sex yet).

 

But emotionally it didn't work for me. So, three days after saying I could probably deal with it, I sat him down and told him I was not comfortable with that arrangement so either we could wait to have sex until he was ready to be exclusive or we could continue to date casually but not become more intimate. He respected me for being up front (and not dissolivng into tears or anxiety - I was very calm, cool and collected) and said he was ready to be exclusive. He was faithful but I think his initial doubts were because he wasn't sure I was the one. He still wasn't sure 3 months later and ended things. I don't regret dating him but I was not surprised that his desire to keep his options open were not from some deep seated psycholgoical issue, or because he was "a man" but because he simply wasn't that into me, and that didn't change over time.

[citymouse]

I know he's not meeting anybody so I feel like I should just let it run its course.

 

Also too I hate to put doubts in your mind because I know you are struggling with this. But from where I'm sitting, I'm not understanding how you're so certain he hasn't met anyone else for a coffee date here or there after work. I mean, I don't even know that about my own boyfriend. I hope he's not in touch with any other women but geeze, I can't prove that. We only see each other 2-3 times a week at most. I just trust him.

 

I'm just saying -- unless you're physically together four or five nights a week, how do you really know what he's doing on those nights you don't see him?

 

I have been cheated on before so this is how my mind works...

: P

[Puddincup]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I guess I would rather he stop looking on his own rather than me telling him to stop. I'm going to give this some time and patience and see what happens.

[Batya33]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I guess I would rather he stop looking on his own rather than me telling him to stop. I'm going to give this some time and patience and see what happens.

 

Oh I would never tell someone to stop. I would simply tell him that I was going to stop seeing him because we weren't on the same wavelength. If you knew he was never going to commit to you, how long would you stay? That's how I would evaluate how long to stay in this relationship.

 

As far as him not meeting anybody, since he is advertising himself as single and available and logging in to check out who is checking him out, that could change very quickly. I met my husband on a Monday night, on a lark - we were exes meeting for a friendly catch up dinner and i had recently started dating someone who had some potential (we were not exclusive). I never would have guessed that such sparks would fly. And it wouldn't have happened if I were exclusive, committed and happy because either I wouldn't have felt that way or if I did feel sparks I would have remained faithful to my SO. When you keep your options open, and especially when you are advertising on a dating site (as I was at the time) your mind and heart are far more open to opportunities.

[Puddincup]

Also too I hate to put doubts in your mind because I know you are struggling with this. But from where I'm sitting, I'm not understanding how you're so certain he hasn't met anyone else for a coffee date here or there after work. I mean, I don't even know that about my own boyfriend. I hope he's not in touch with any other women but geeze, I can't prove that. We only see each other 2-3 times a week at most. I just trust him.

 

I'm just saying -- unless you're physically together four or five nights a week, how do you really know what he's doing on those nights you don't see him?

 

I have been cheated on before so this is how my mind works...

: P

 

I guess I figure that he hasn't met anyone because we talk on the phone on the nights we don't see each other. We spend every weekend together, all weekend.

 

Plus, as a woman, I have a pretty good sixth sense. I have always known something was wrong with exboyfriends in the past before anything was said. I think women know when they are being cheated on. Women in general are fairly suspicious I think. I mean I checked his match account.

 

We started out casually (although we agreed early on not to have sex with anyone else for health reasons) and we have evolved to this point. All along, I have been generally happy with things but have periodically wondered where we stood. I have not confronted him about our status, preferring instead to just let things evolve. Now that I have mentioned the match thing perhaps he will stop "clearing the queue". Maybe I am naive but I feel like things work out better when they evolve naturally. Not that I am against making our boundaries clear. I think that's important too. I guess I am just not sure how I want to proceed here.

[Puddincup]

Oh I would never tell someone to stop. I would simply tell him that I was going to stop seeing him because we weren't on the same wavelength. If you knew he was never going to commit to you, how long would you stay? That's how I would evaluate how long to stay in this relationship.

 

I hear what you're saying but do we ever really know how long someone's commitment will last? I mean, I've been in several long term relationships that I thought were going to last and they didn't. These exs for the most part were committed to me, until they weren't!

 

I'm not ready to tell him I want to stop seeing him. Other than this, everything else is going well.

[citymouse]

Now that I have mentioned the match thing perhaps he will stop "clearing the queue". .

 

I hope so. In hindsight he may wonder if you asked him that question to drop a hint. I hope he gets the hint and cuts it out...

: )

But if he doesn't, guard your heart. You are vulnerable here.

[Puddincup]

I hope so. In hindsight he may wonder if you asked him that question to drop a hint. I hope he gets the hint and cuts it out...

: )

But if he doesn't, guard your heart. You are vulnerable here.

 

Thanks Citymouse! I am rooting for you too. I have a good feeling about your situation.

[BriarRose]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I guess I would rather he stop looking on his own rather than me telling him to stop. I'm going to give this some time and patience and see what happens.

You don't feel that 7 months is time enough?

[Solo Pilot]

You know after bringing to his attention that you have monitored his online activities at this dating website, he should be smart enough to realize that it bothers you and cease. I don't quite under what is the point of clearing out your queues????? Smells like bull to me...

 

If I was in his shoes dating someone for a while but still logging onto my dating website, it would probably be due to the fact that I wasn't totally interesting in my dating partner and was looking for the bigger better deal. I don't imply anything is wrong with you, you just may not be his type. He also might be not sure what he wants. Who knows. Either way you have some things you might want to talk to him about.

 

At the very least like I said above he should stop logging on. What's the bloody point eh. Do you feel comfortable enough to ask him to stop. Personally I don't think it's an outrageous thing to ask. You deserve to know what his intentions are.

[Batya33]

I hear what you're saying but do we ever really know how long someone's commitment will last? I mean, I've been in several long term relationships that I thought were going to last and they didn't. These exs for the most part were committed to me, until they weren't!

 

I'm not ready to tell him I want to stop seeing him. Other than this, everything else is going well.

 

Well, no, that's not the point. The point is that if you want him to commit to you now, and to stop keeping his options open, then he is not on the same wavelength with you now. It sounds like you're grasping at straws by "analyzing" and stating the obvious "we never know how long commitment will last" but knowing that doesn't mean that two people who want to be committed to each other now, make that promise now and in that promise is a promise to put in the effort and work it takes to stay committed for as long as possible - to do their very best. If you truly believe that you should never commit because who knows how long a commitment will last, anyway, that's fine - then don't commit to anyone - but obviously you want a commitment from him because otherwise you wouldn't care if he was logging on to a dating site where he had an active profile.

 

So you do believe in commitment even though there is the obvious "you never know" - that's true of almost all things in life and yet we make commitments, we get married, some people have children, work for years on degrees even though "you never know" how long something will last.

 

Sounds like you're making excuses and lying to yourself because you don't want to walk away from the benefits of dating him. How about instead being totally honest with yourself that you're settling for less than you want out of a relationship and then decide whether you're comfortable with settling. It will make your stomach hurt less to be honest with yourself.

[Puddincup]

I was just trying to justify my own thought process but you're right about asking for what you want and making commitments, etc.

 

I guess what I was trying to figure out was if someone could be falling in love with someone while at the same time checking his dating profile. I was hoping to hear that checking his profile was nothing to worry about even though I know that's ridiculous.

 

It is just weird to me that in every other way he acts happy with me and happy with our relationship, yet for some reason feels the need to "clear his queue". It sounds stupid to me too. I will take what you all are saying to heart and figure out what I want to say to him.