He's still checking his online dating account...hmmm....

[Batya33]

I was just trying to justify my own thought process but you're right about asking for what you want and making commitments, etc.

 

I guess what I was trying to figure out was if someone could be falling in love with someone while at the same time checking his dating profile. I was hoping to hear that checking his profile was nothing to worry about even though I know that's ridiculous.

 

It is just weird to me that in every other way he acts happy with me and happy with our relationship, yet for some reason feels the need to "clear his queue". It sounds stupid to me too. I will take what you all are saying to heart and figure out what I want to say to him.

 

Of course he could be falling in love - he could be having many feelings of love. Whether he wants to commit to you and close off all other options is another story. Many years ago a good friend of mine who happened to be a therapist were discussing how I was seeing a guy I felt very seriously about - but we were not yet exclusive - mostly that was because of my concerns/fears but also his. Anyway, I still had an active on line dating profile and I would check regularly but I said that I wasn't really interested in meeting anyone. He called me out on it and said "if you are still checking and still have an active profile then you are still keeping your options open and you are not committed to this other person." He agreed it wasn't cheating - I wasn't going on dates - but I definitely wasn't committed emotionally or in any other way. When I chose to stop checking and removed my profile that took me a long way to being committed.

[Puddincup]

So you felt serious about him yet you still had an active profile. Why? I am trying to understand how someone could have strong feelings toward someone yet be resisting those feelings. Maybe you were following his lead? I think that may be what I am doing. I want to be closer to him but because he sometimes seems less involved than me (although my feelings about getting closer are kept secret), I stay slightly detached. The fear of rejection makes us act weird. I know that it is only a matter of time before I confront him with my feelings, my desire to be truly exclusive, and my fears. Uugh! I just hate those conversations with a passion. You just never know how they will go so I have to be prepared for it to go either way: really well or terrible. I don't think I am prepared for it to go badly so better not to say anything until I have prepared for both scenarios.

[ycmanvs]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I guess I would rather he stop looking on his own rather than me telling him to stop. I'm going to give this some time and patience and see what happens.

 

I am in the same EXACT situation and the answer I got was " I do it when I am bored and when someone emails me, which is not very often..."

 

I had my profile up for a long time but took it down eventually on my own. He is the kind of guy who likes to sleep around and I know this about him, so I give him as much freedom as possible, in the hope (some would say irrational hope) that he will stop on his own. Sometimes, he actually does not log on for weeks at a time. He always tells me when he does log on, if I ask.

 

Yes, of course I wish he would take down the profile, but I am not going to force him to do it. We have a great time when we are together and for me that is enough, for now. Sooner or later, I will want more and I may have to give him an ultimatum, but for now, I am accepting his behavior.

 

Are you willing to do the same, or is it too much to know that he is "keeping his options open" ?

[Puddincup]

No, I feel the same way you do. I am ok with the way things are going and would rather it continue naturally. I figure that at some point he will decide to stop on his own or we will break up (either he'll break up with me because he wants to go out with someone else, or I'll break up with him because I can't tolerate him still being online). I would rather he just stop but I'm not ready to ask for that. Probably wimpy but I am the one who will have to live with the outcome.

[ycmanvs]

No, I feel the same way you do. I am ok with the way things are going and would rather it continue naturally. I figure that at some point he will decide to stop on his own or we will break up (either he'll break up with me because he wants to go out with someone else, or I'll break up with him because I can't tolerate him still being online). I would rather he just stop but I'm not ready to ask for that. Probably wimpy but I am the one who will have to live with the outcome.

 

That is how I feel too. The last time this happened and I asked him to change his status, we broke up a couple of weeks later. I think with some guys, especially ones that have been single for a long time, it is hard for them to take that "leap" into a 100% commited relationship without feeling smothered. I have found that if you let a guy do his thing, you will find out soon enough if he wants to be with you or not.

Just because he is looking does not mean that he will break up with you. Of course, you never know what his motives are. He could take down the profile and just get another one on a different site if he really wants to look.

 

We cannot control what someone else does...only how we react to it.

 

By choosing to stay with him, you are choosing to deal with any consequence....good or bad.

[Batya33]

No, I feel the same way you do. I am ok with the way things are going and would rather it continue naturally. I figure that at some point he will decide to stop on his own or we will break up (either he'll break up with me because he wants to go out with someone else, or I'll break up with him because I can't tolerate him still being online). I would rather he just stop but I'm not ready to ask for that. Probably wimpy but I am the one who will have to live with the outcome.

 

It's great that you made your choice and that you are being honest with -yourself about why you're settling now for less than you want out of this. That's the key - self honesty. My boundaries would be very different because I wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage and family, and especially in my 30s, I wouldn't have tolerated dating someone for more than 3 months or so without being exclusive -- if that would have made him feel "smothered" to see only me then I would have had my answer - that he just wasn't "that" into me and that we weren't on the same wavelength as far as intentions and goals/values.

 

But you feel the benefits - his company, good sex, having someone in your life who have you fun with and are attracted to - is worth the downside of him not wanting to be committed to you and keeping his options open by advertising on a dating site that he is single, available, looking. That's a valid choice! There is the concern that you'll forget that you signed up for this situation and will feel resentful and angry with him and are feeling particularly insecure - -I hope you don't get jaded/cynical about men. Many men want exclusivity, even those who have been single for ages. Anyway, again, I think it's great that you have your eyes wide open about your choice to settle in this situation.

 

It's very true that you can't control what he does - but the point here is that you have chosen to react by settling for what he offers right now - you could choose a different reaction if you felt that settling for what he is offering was not in your best interests. But it sounds like the good sex/company/fun times are worth it to you.

[Puddincup]

I think personality is a key factor in how a situation like this unfolds. I mean his personality and my own as well. I think in an ideal world it would be easy to understand our SO's motives and feelings but in the real world, it takes a delicate touch to navigate the reality of relationships sometimes. Yes it would be easy to make a stink and kick up a lot of dust about what he's doing and I think that feels right to most people, understandably so. We all want people to be upfront and open and have no confusion about us (and a lot of people expect that which is their choice) but some people have a hard time doing that. I consider myself to be a pretty open person but I can't always verbalize my own feelings and I have confusion about my partner sometimes. I'm talking about my own feelings towards him, not confusion about his feelings towards me. Sometimes I am crazy about him and other times I think we may not be right for each other. So maybe it would be hypocritical in some ways to expect more from him.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and insight. I appreciate it. Still not sure what I'm going to do though....

[annie24]

well, like you said, it depends on you. for me, that would absolutely be a dealbreaker for him to be checking online and having a dating profile up. i would tell him it's me or the profile. i am ok with a guy checking the online dating site if, for example, his buddy is showing him a photo of a woman he is dating or something innocent like that, but i don't buy the "i'm bored" excuse. there are SOOO many sites on the internet one can go to without having an active dating profile!

 

besides, as a former member of online dating sites myself, i'd rather the guys in relationships just get off of it and let me find a single man!! i mean, it's a waste of time for the women looking for love as well.

[Puddincup]

That's a very valid point. I get the feeling though that it is more about him feeling psychologically free versus truly free. I think it takes some people longer to go all in. Of course, my argument just strengthens my own position to ride it out so it's not a truly good argument.

[annie24]

i think if he wants the perks of having a gf, he needs to accept the responsibilites as well. that is my feeling.

[BriarRose]

Has his profile been up the whole 7 months you've been seeing him or only recently?

[Puddincup]

I think his profile has been up the whole time. Originally I didn't really care but eventually I got more attached and now it kind of bothers me. I know I have the right to ask him to take it down but would rather he do so on his own. I'm trying to be patient which I know sounds wimpy to a lot of people but I really don't want to be confrontational about this.

[annie24]

do you think he is going on dates with some of these other women? emailing and communicating with them?

[Batya33]

I think his profile has been up the whole time. Originally I didn't really care but eventually I got more attached and now it kind of bothers me. I know I have the right to ask him to take it down but would rather he do so on his own. I'm trying to be patient which I know sounds wimpy to a lot of people but I really don't want to be confrontational about this.

 

I think there are alternatives between wimpy and confrontational. Since when is it confrontational to tell someone what your boundaries are and how you feel about their behavior? You don't need to ask him to take it down, you simply need to tell him how you plan to proceed in order to take care of your best interests. Right now you are choosing to settle for him keeping his options open because you'd rather have him in your life in some way rather than nothing. I am a big fan of being patient with someone who is working on changing his behavior. What has he promised to work on or change?

[BriarRose]

Update: I asked him last night if he was still looking on match and he said "no" without any hesitation. Then he said "well I do log on every few days and clear out the queue". So I said "what queue?" and he said "The counter that shows you how many people have looked at your profile." I asked him if looked at the women who had looked at him and he said "no, I just clear the queue". I didn't ask him why he was so fanatical about clearing out the queue. I should have but I didn't think of it quick enough. So what do you think of his excuse? Should I take him at his word? I know he's not meeting anybody so I feel like I should just let it run its course.

 

So you have asked him about it and got a vague, non-committal response. And this is after 7 months. You can bring it up again, but if I was a gambling woman, I would bet he still will not remove/hide it. You sound like a very kind and bright woman from your posts - you deserve more than what he is offering you.

[citymouse]

I agree with Batya... this doesn't have to be confrontational. Or even emotional. If you wanted to, you could have this discussion calmly and rationally and in a positive way. It's OK to say: "This makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel OK about it. It bothers me. "

 

Despite the fact that he's surfing around on this website or clearing his queue or whatever -- it sounds you two have hit it off, you're in touch a lot, you spend every weekend together, the sex is great, etc. I have a hunch that if you give him a gentle nudge and let him know this is bugging you, you might be pleasantly surprised by his response. It seems to me that he would value you and your company enough to keep you happy and keep you in his life.

 

 

I would be surprised if he would react by saying, "Sorry you don't like it, but it's really important to me to continue clearing my queue every few days. If you want to continue seeing me you'll have to just deal with it... " or something to that effect. On the other hand, if he DID react that way and was a jerk about it -- wouldn't you rather know now than another seven months from now? I really don't think it would come to that though.

 

This doesn't have to be a big, huge deal if you just quietly and calmly speak up and let him know it bugs you. I understand your hesitation to rock the boat and risk losing the companionship, but this is going to eat you up inside if you don't speak up at some point.

[annie24]

that really makes no sense. why not remove the profile altogether? his response is fishy to me.

[BriarRose]

that really makes no sense. why not remove the profile altogether? his response is fishy to me.

I agree. Some things are just common sense and an act of respect. Like removing your on-line dating profile when you've been with someone for 7 months.

[annie24]

and why would you log on to a dating site and "clear the queue"? that makes ZERO sense to me. i think at best, he is using the dating site to boost his ego. at worst, he's sniffing around.

 

i agree 100% with batya - that telling him your boundaries is not being confrontational. i'm surprised that you would be ok with this after 7 months. my former bf (very short term) - after he said he wanted to be exclusive with me, i insisted he remove his profile, and he had stupid reasons as well for keeping it up, made no sense. yeah, that relationship didn't last long at all! not even a month.

 

i just feel like it's "advertising" literally- that you are single and looking. if that is how he feels, you should find out sooner rather than later.

[BriarRose]

and why would you log on to a dating site and "clear the queue"? that makes ZERO sense to me. i think at best, he is using the dating site to boost his ego. at worst, he's sniffing around.

 

i agree 100% with batya - that telling him your boundaries is not being confrontational. i'm surprised that you would be ok with this after 7 months. my former bf (very short term) - after he said he wanted to be exclusive with me, i insisted he remove his profile, and he had stupid reasons as well for keeping it up, made no sense. yeah, that relationship didn't last long at all! not even a month.

 

i just feel like it's "advertising" literally- that you are single and looking. if that is how he feels, you should find out sooner rather than later.

Yup, but you also need to be prepared to walk if he doesn't remove it. Saying "I'm not okay with this" doesn't quite have the same ring as "this isn't acceptable to me".

 

But since you have already broached the subject and he did nothing - that says a lot. But you can bring it up again and be more direct this time if you want to.

[annie24]

Yup, but you also need to be prepared to walk if he doesn't remove it. Saying "I'm not okay with this" doesn't quite have the same ring as "this isn't acceptable to me".

 

But since you have already broached the subject and he did nothing - that says a lot. But you can bring it up again and be more direct this time if you want to.

 

yes, i agree. i was ready to walk away over the issue. when i finally told him not to call me again until he took it down, he took it down 30 minutes later!!! and then he called me that night, but i was angry. i called him back the next day, never heard from him again.

 

his profile was still down, by the way....

[citymouse]

i think at best, he is using the dating site to boost his ego. at worst, he's sniffing around.

 

 

For Puddincup's sake, I hope he is only checking the queue to boost his ego. But I agree it raises questions.

 

I'm sure the women who are clicking on his picture and lining up in his queue would be very interested to know that he's been dating Puddincup steadily for seven months and that he has been spending entire weekends with her? It also would bug me to know that his friends or her friends who happen to be online dating could see his profile up, and see the little thingy that broadcasts very publicly that he was active or last logged in however many hours or days ago. That would bug me a lot, knowing that other people could see that after we'd been dating seven months.

 

Maybe I'm being naive and gullible here, but the thing that gives me hope is that he wants to see her regularly, they spend entire weekends together every week, they talk on the phone a lot, and she has described him as "generous" and affectionate, funny and smart. That suggests to me that while he may have commitment or communication issues, he must have some good qualities too.

 

I would be concerned that until she feels ready to speak up or raise the issue, in the meantime it sends the unspoken message that she is OK or indifferent about it. And then that makes it easier for him to continue doing it.

[BriarRose]

The thing that bothers me the most is that she has raised the issue. And his response was lame and the profile is still up.

[citymouse]

The thing that bothers me the most is that she has raised the issue.

 

You're right. I guess what I meant was that she hasn't explicitly told him, "This bugs me." But... I get where you're coming from, Miss Kitty. It seems to me that it wouldn't be too hard for him to draw conclusions about the questions she was asking.

 

But in all fairness I think they need to talk more openly and explicitly about it -- sooner than later, I hope... for her sake and so she can get some peace. Having this dangling in the air, not resolved, would drive me crazy.

[Tanzi]

He could be doing it out of habit but that said I would have thought he would have closed it or hidden his account after this amount of time .. out of respect for you and your relationship. I met my boyfriend on line and at the point we decided to become exclusive we both closed down our on-line dating accounts. If nothing else it proved how serious we were taking our situation. Everyone is different of course but perhaps you need to make your concerns clearer to him. His response and actions (or non actions) should tell you a lot.