Puddincup Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I think everything is going great in my relationship with my boyfriend of about seven months. We see each other every weekend (all weekend), we talk pretty much everyday, and we enjoy each other's company. We have been exclusive since the beginning (more or less) and the sex is great. There is no drama like in my past relationships and I love that. The problem is that he still has an active online dating profile and goes online at least every few days. I haven't asked him about it because I don't want to make a big deal about it because I know he's not going out on dates or anything. Am I just fooling myself into thinking things are great when there is this big red flag? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 If he's still checking his online dating account every few days, I'd see it as a red flag, for sure. Did you guys actually come out and say you were exclusive or you assumed because you are sleeping together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 to me, that is a huge red flag. if he is in a serious relationship, why is he checking an online dating site? some guys will say it's because they're bored, but if he's bored, there are thousands of other sites he can visit, like sports or news sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 . . . And if you only see each other on weekends, how do you know he isn't going on dates during the week? Not implying anything there, just trying to get more info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shuttlefish Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I think everything is going great in my relationship with my boyfriend of about seven months. We see each other every weekend (all weekend), we talk pretty much everyday, and we enjoy each other's company. We have been exclusive since the beginning (more or less) and the sex is great. There is no drama like in my past relationships and I love that. The problem is that he still has an active online dating profile and goes online at least every few days. I haven't asked him about it because I don't want to make a big deal about it because I know he's not going out on dates or anything. Am I just fooling myself into thinking things are great when there is this big red flag? maybe he's curious about the ones who got away! Or he's nosy or something. I should ask though, I'm guessing it is one of those dating sites that tells you when so and so was last logged on...but don't YOU have to log on to check. I wonder if he's thinking the same thing....he's logging on to see if YOU are logging on etc etc Just a thought (however, for the record, I would be a bit worried and/or steamed too) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guynextdoor Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 You 2 are exclusive, there is no reason why his account should be active and definitely its a bad sign if he's checking on it regularly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 When we decided to start having sex, we agreed to be exclusive. I trust that he's not with anyone else. During the week, we see each other once in awhile. He does a few things after work during the week. I know what they are, just hobby-type things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 and are you checking your account also or are you checking to check on him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 maybe he's curious about the ones who got away! Or he's nosy or something. I should ask though, I'm guessing it is one of those dating sites that tells you when so and so was last logged on...but don't YOU have to log on to check. I wonder if he's thinking the same thing....he's logging on to see if YOU are logging on etc etc Just a thought (however, for the record, I would be a bit worried and/or steamed too) My profile is hidden. I can log on but I don't think anyone can see my profile so long as it's hidden. I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 If I should confront him, what should I say? I don't want him to think I am more serious about our relationship than I am. I do care about him a lot but I'm not in love with him. Wouldn't confronting him make it seem like I am a jealous possessive woman? I don't want to appear that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sn0man Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 So you're still logging in to your dating account but you're worried about him doing the same thing? Interesting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laboheme Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 I agree with everything that's been said. It could be a red flag, especially if you only see him on weekends. He could also be insecure and checking up on you the way you're checking up on him. And here's another hypothesis: are any of his friends on the same dating site? Even when I had no interest in dating anyone, I would log onto some sites that my friends used to 1) critique their profiles and 2) give feedback on their potential dates (they'd give me their screen names). One of my friends and I are actually doing that right now: we look at other people's profiles and give each other suggestions on how to best start a conversation. Also, what kind of dating site is it? Is it like link removed, where the only purpose is to find a partner, or is it more like link removed, where people also look for friends and take tests and such? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldenoughtoknow Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 If I should confront him, what should I say? I don't want him to think I am more serious about our relationship than I am. I do care about him a lot but I'm not in love with him. Wouldn't confronting him make it seem like I am a jealous possessive woman? I don't want to appear that way. I would simply say that you were double checking that your online account was hidden/closed the other day, and noticed that his was still up and he had recent activity. This should send him stammering for an explanation. I don't think that would make you seem more serious than him, or like a jealous possessive woman - at all! You both agreed to be exclusive. Let's see what his definition of that really is... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 OK, so the bottom line is that he can't really be serious about me if he's checking his account, even though he seems like he's into me. I really don't think he's going online to check on me. My profile has been hidden for a couple of months now. I bought one of those multi-month packages so that's why I still have an account. I'm not looking for anyone else but I guess he is. If I ask him about this, I'm not sure what to say after the initial question. I don't want him to not look if that's what he wants to do. In other words, I want him to not want to look, not to be forced not to look. That doesn't really work for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 for me, it is inconsistent to be in a serious relationship AND be looking at online profiles. Laboheme, however, has pointed out some perfectly legitimate reasons why he is looking at online profiles. for me, it would bother me, and i would tell him it's either me or the online profiles. end of story. that's just me though. because it is sending the wrong message to these other women that he is 'single and looking.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justnotsure Posted June 3, 2010 Share Posted June 3, 2010 So I have a success story with this type of thing. A lot of times, lets face it, if someone is in a relationship with you and still up on a dating website, it's a red flag. Hands down. But....I think you owe it to yourself to at least talk to him about it. My current boyfriend kept his profile up after HE had asked ME to be exclusive. I, of course, would check (my profile was hidden too), and notice he'd sign in maybe once a week. I let it bother me for weeks....then I got up the courage to ask him. I did it in a very nice way. I told him that I trusted him, thought he was a great guy, but that I'd just like to clear something up because I was confused...I then told him that I'd been helping a friend set up a profile and noticed his was still up (white lies are okay, I think). He turned bright red - said that yes, it was - and that he hadn't been in contact with anyone, but that he would sign in and look whenever someone winked or emailed. He didn't have a great explanation - just kinda said - yeah, it shouldn't be up there, he checked it out of curiosity, and that he would take it down immediately. He did....2 years later, it has never once been an issue, and he's been a completely honest and trustworthy boyfriend. I'm not saying that this is how it goes all, or even most of the time, but do yourself a favor and talk to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I would simply say that you were double checking that your online account was hidden/closed the other day, and noticed that his was still up and he had recent activity. This should send him stammering for an explanation. .....You both agreed to be exclusive. Let's see what his definition of that really is... I agree with this... as distasteful as it is to have to bring this up, just take the plunge and keep your words simple, short and to the point as Richpart said. It would be really informative to see your b/f's reaction -- his facial expression and tone of voice-- when he answers that question. If he does "stammer" for an explanation, then that would suggest something funny has been going on. But if he calmly and lightly explains that he was answering some emails from women who had contacted him -- to let them know that he is taken-- then you might feel a lot better, on the other hand. He turned bright red - said that yes, it was - and that he hadn't been in contact with anyone, but that he would sign in and look whenever someone winked or emailed. He didn't have a great explanation - just kinda said - yeah, it shouldn't be up there, he checked it out of curiosity, and that he would take it down immediately. I think Justnotsure has a good point. In fact I did this for a few weeks after my b/f and I went exclusive, until my subscription expired. I felt bad when I would get these email notifications that some guy had emailed me or winked -- and I didn't want to be rude, so I would sign in to let them know that I was taking myself off the market and I would wish them luck in their search. Is this something that just came to your attention recently, or is it something that he's been doing for awhile? The thing that bothers me about this is that I've always been under the impression that guys tend to not get contacted as much as women do. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. If your b/f is logging on regularly then I would suspect that he has been initiating contact with other women. I hope that's not the case. Good luck and hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I think it is a red flag and you should raise it with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyb Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Wow...this is almost like my situation (see my post "he's still online") except he and I have not yet said whether or not we are exclusive and we haven't been dating as long as you have. If you feel comfortable enough with it, mention it to him (I haven't done that with my guy because as I said we're not officially exclusive). Good luck, and I hope there is a good explanation for it (like maybe he is responding to women who have been messaging him out of courtesy). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 If he is still on a dating site, you are not exclusive, despite whatever "talk" you may have had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebeblondie Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I think it's a huge red flag. If he was signing once every few months that might be a different story, but once every few days is definitely something to bring up with him, especially if you're exclusive! And to be honest if his answer is anything other than something to the effect of "you're right I shouldn't be on there, I will take it down" I would reconsider your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winchester3 Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Even when your with some one it's a nice ego boost seeing "5 unread messages" in your dating site mailbox. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazzykat Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 Even when your with some one it's a nice ego boost seeing "5 unread messages" in your dating site mailbox. External validation at the expense of a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 If you're with the right person for you, trust me, you won't give a rat's butt about what is in your dating site inbox. It shouldn't matter. If you feel the need to log on a lot to read your date mail and boost your fragile ego, then you have a problem. Or you're not in the right relationship. OP, I agree, it's a red flag. I'd bring it up to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 If you're with the right person for you, trust me, you won't give a rat's butt about what is in your dating site inbox. I agree with this. But I think it's different in those first few weeks or even the first couple of months, when it's the early stages of dating, before there is a commitment or talk of being exclusive or before "I love you's" have been exchanged. After a certain point, yeah. I think it would be weird to be logging in habitually. Definitely hard to explain. I checked my online dating mailboxes for a few weeks after my b/f and I started to get serious -- but then my subscriptions expired. If they hadn't expired, I definitely would have deleted them or cancelled them at some point. In fact I did remove all of my profiles because I didn't want my face out there on some website, as if I were still on the market. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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