Puddincup Posted June 17, 2010 Author Share Posted June 17, 2010 I don't think he has been on any dates based on the amount of time we spend together. I could be wrong of course but I can't see how another woman wouldn't mind that he was unavailable every weekend as well as some nights during the week. She would only have very little of his time. We mostly always have a great time together when we see each other so I don't know why he would be interested in meeting someone else but I have never been very good at reading a guy's mind. I admit I am nervous that if I bring this up, I would risk losing the relationship altogether but I guess I should just say what's on my mind and live with the consequences. Originally it didn't bother me but now it does. It's not driving me crazy because I really don't think he's doing anything but it is a little confusing since we seem like a good fit for each other. If I had to guess why he's doing it, I would say it's more out of boredom than anything but still, I'd like him to stop. I guess I will just tell him that. Thanks a lot guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 Maybe he hasn't been on any dates. But if his profile is still up, he is looking. Let us know what happens when you talk to him, but I think he will give you some lame excuse like he did the first time you brought it up. He will say he just hasn't gotten around to it yet, or was just checking emails, or just has friends on there, etc. But hopefully he will prove me wrong and will remove it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 I had a guy say he had "friends" on the site as well. Well, wouldn't his "friends" have his email address? Bs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 What he's doing is advertising himself as single and available on a dating site and logging in to see which women have viewed/contacted him. That behavior is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. Don't "go there" as far as "how could he find the time?" When I was meeting men from dating sites, we would meet at random times during the day for coffee -sometimes during the workday - there is always time if you want to meet. He doesn't live with you, nor are you with him 24/7 so you don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I don't think he has been on any dates based on the amount of time we spend together. I could be wrong of course but I can't see how another woman wouldn't mind that he was unavailable every weekend as well as some nights during the week. She would only have very little of his time. Well, but that assumes that he's attempting to carry on another whole relationship on the side. And you're right, that probably would be very hard to pull off, given that he's spending weekends with you. But it would definitely be possible for someone to be spending 90% of their personal time in one relationship and 10% of their time surfing around and checking out new prospects, like meeting people for the occasional coffee date to see if sparks fly. I'm not saying that's what he's doing -- nobody knows that but him. I'm not even saying that's what he's thinking of doing. But his actions are suggesting to the women on that website that he is interested in making contact. This could all be totally innocuous -- I hope it is. Hopefully he's a good guy with good intentions, just a little clueless about the way the online profiles work, and all of this will be resolved once you find the right moment to bring it up and clear the air. Puddincup, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the conversation goes well once you find the right moment and get to that point and feel ready to bring it up. Remember, you have to protect your heart first and foremost. Hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 he might tell her that his job makes him work weekends. it's easy to make up a lie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 The thing that bothers me the most is that she has raised the issue. And his response was lame and the profile is still up. Yeah. I have rehashed my last breakup many times, but I'll do it one more...we'd been dating for six months, three casually and three exclusively, and his OKCupid was still up. It was set to "seeing someone," but it was still up and he was still active and actively maintaining it. I thought maybe he just had it up because he was worried *I* might bolt, so I didn't complain. But one day I just kind of casually asked him "Dude, why are you still up on OKC? If you want to make friends and have a profile, why not move to Facebook or MySpace?" He blew up. I was caught off guard, and I am afraid I lost my temper back in response--we had our first and only fight. After that fight, I came pretty close to walking--not because of the profile but because of how defensive he became when I asked him about it. I knew he was not dating or contacting other women--I never even thought he might be; but his having the profile up definitely made me feel like he wanted to keep an eye out for someone better if she came along. We were close at that point--he was already starting to talk about a future--and the discrepancy between what he was saying to me and how he was acting online set off a lot of alarm bells for me. Unfortunately, I think I had gauged his feelings correctly; maintaining his OKC profile was his symbolic way of his asserting his independence, and that he was not 100% committed to me. I regret now that I did not leave right then. He did eventually take his profile down, but I felt like he always resented me for it. Things were never quite the same between us, and then one day out of the blue a few months later he told me he didn't love me, and dumped me by phone. (As a footnote, six months later, his profile still is down.) The next guy I dated? His profile came down on Date #2, without my even mentioning it. He didn't ask me to take mine down, or even mention it--just unilaterally, *poof.* I asked him about it, much later. He said "well, in my mind once we started necking, we were in a relationship; I don't neck my friends. So then I wasn't looking any more; all of my profiles came down." It's only been a few months, so I can't see how things will end. But a few months in, I will say that I have none of the intimacy and commitment issues with him that I had with the last guy--zero. This one may very well be a keeper. So based on my anecdotal experience, I'd say that how one treats his online profile is a direct window into how he sees you and the relationship. Online profiles mean different things to different people--but at the end of the day I think a general rule of thumb is that as long as he has a profile up, proceed with caution and guard your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 18, 2010 Author Share Posted June 18, 2010 So based on my anecdotal experience, I'd say that how one treats his online profile is a direct window into how he sees you and the relationship. Online profiles mean different things to different people--but at the end of the day I think a general rule of thumb is that as long as he has a profile up, proceed with caution and guard your heart. That was a good story and good advice. All of the advice on here has been good. I don't think he will get upset at me or yell or anything if I ask him to take down his profile. I still maintain that he is a good guy overall and has treated me very well all along, with this exception. There is a part of me that believes that he will take down the profile when he has worked out his commitment issues in his own head and I should give him the space and time to do that at his own pace (even though I would like it to be faster). On the other hand, a part of me says it would be good to tell him how I feel. He should know that and take it into consideration while he is figuring out what he wants to do. I guess there is no time like the present - I will talk to him this weekend and let you guys know how it goes. Cross your fingers for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Fingers crossed for you, hon. Not all guys are like my ex--there are some who do just take their sweet time. I've met those too (and that's why I gave him a chance.) In some sense, I almost regret that I pushed him to take his profile down--whether he still had it up or not was a good barometer of his feelings for me (or lack thereof). As it was, in encouraging him to take the ad down I just pushed his lack of commitment out of the open to a place where I couldn't see it--and then I got blindsided. I hope your conversation goes well. And while your BF is working out his commitment issues, I'd say be careful with your heart, because really, that is what matters more than anything else. Try and get yourself in a mental place where whatever he does, and however things go forward, you will be okay. I think that's the most important thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 18, 2010 Author Share Posted June 18, 2010 Yes, I will be mentally prepared for whatever he says. I think coming here looking for advice was my first step in preparing for whatever happens. I am very attached to him but I am a strong person generally so I will be ok. I will miss him though. We have a good time together so it will be sad to leave him but not devastating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Yes, I will be mentally prepared for whatever he says. I think coming here looking for advice was my first step in preparing for whatever happens. I am very attached to him but I am a strong person generally so I will be ok. I will miss him though. We have a good time together so it will be sad to leave him but not devastating. Good for you! I'm glad you're not rationalizing and instead taking care of you and remembering what a prize you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 No one said he was a bad guy. We are just saying that if his profile is still up, he is not in a committed relationship with you and is sniffing around. You are so worried about his reaction to bringing this up (again) - what about you? He should be worried about losing this wonderful woman that he has because he is still advertising himself as single on a dating website! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 Well I chickened out. I didn't talk to him about it. We were having such a nice time this weekend that I just didn't want to bring up such a heavy topic. He cooked dinner for me and he was more affectionate than usual. Several times I was going to broach the subject but didn't. Maybe I'm not ready? Uugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Well I chickened out. I didn't talk to him about it. We were having such a nice time this weekend that I just didn't want to bring up such a heavy topic. He cooked dinner for me and he was more affectionate than usual. Several times I was going to broach the subject but didn't. Maybe I'm not ready? Uugh. Well, maybe it's just a scary, awkward, unpleasant thing to bring up under the best of circumstances. I know I found it one. Don't wait too long though--or it will keep bothering you to the point where you might blurt it out unexpectedly and in a way that you later regret. I find that relationships are like pressure cookers; major problems and also minor life friction generate steam, which you have to let out in a controlled way now and then lest the whole thing explode. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 Well, maybe it's just a scary, awkward, unpleasant thing to bring up under the best of circumstances. I know I found it one. Don't wait too long though--or it will keep bothering you to the point where you might blurt it out unexpectedly and in a way that you later regret. I find that relationships are like pressure cookers; major problems and also minor life friction generate steam, which you have to let out in a controlled way now and then lest the whole thing explode. That's a good analogy. You're right. I had planned to have this talk in a controlled way but didn't. Now I might just blurt out something. Well, I'm seeing him again tonight so I'll see if my courage is any better but he cooking for me again so I might not. I'm a wimp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Well I chickened out. I didn't talk to him about it. We were having such a nice time this weekend that I just didn't want to bring up such a heavy topic. He cooked dinner for me and he was more affectionate than usual. Several times I was going to broach the subject but didn't. Maybe I'm not ready? Uugh. He does seem to pay you a lot of attention, he definitely likes you and enjoys your company. I just know that for me, personally - I would not be able to have intimate evenings with someone for months only to find them active on a dating site every few days. That's just not a "relationship" I could be in. But others might be okay with it, especially if the sex was great and they enjoyed the person's company. Only you know what you are okay with, and you seem okay with this, so maybe you shouldn't worry about it anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 21, 2010 Author Share Posted June 21, 2010 He does seem to pay you a lot of attention, he definitely likes you and enjoys your company. I just know that for me, personally - I would not be able to have intimate evenings with someone for months only to find them active on a dating site every few days. That's just not a "relationship" I could be in. But others might be okay with it, especially if the sex was great and they enjoyed the person's company. Only you know what you are okay with, and you seem okay with this, so maybe you shouldn't worry about it anymore. Well originally I was ok with things being more casual but I am much more attached to him now so I am not ok with it anymore. I am just hoping that he is getting more attached to me and will cut it out on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Well originally I was ok with things being more casual but I am much more attached to him now so I am not ok with it anymore. I am just hoping that he is getting more attached to me and will cut it out on his own. I suppose it's possible, it's just that 7 months is a long time. But he does sound like he genuinely likes you and you see each other often and speak every day. It is surprising to me that he is still on-line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puddincup Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 Yeah it is confusing to me too that he's still online. I saw him last night and again, I chickened out. Maybe he was being honest and just goes online sometimes when he's bored and "clears the queue". I don't want to be naive but everything else he does leads me to believe he does really like me. It's confusing. I am determined that next weekend I will talk to him about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Yeah it is confusing to me too that he's still online. I saw him last night and again, I chickened out. Maybe he was being honest and just goes online sometimes when he's bored and "clears the queue". I don't want to be naive but everything else he does leads me to believe he does really like me. It's confusing. I am determined that next weekend I will talk to him about this. He does like you, he just doesn't want to be committed to you at this point in time and you would like a committed relationship so you two are not on the same wavelength. I would avoid the "it's confusing" explanation because that will impede you from being honest with yourself and what you want. With very rare exception, people want other people to know 100% that they are committed because otherwise they're risking losing their special person, and most people act in their best interests. If he was going online just because he's bored why in the world would he maintain an active account if he knew it bothered you even a little bit? I'm sure he could find other things to do with his time if he wanted. That's not to agree that this needs more than the simplest analysis (my first sentence above) just answering your question about "why". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 He does like you, he just doesn't want to be committed to you at this point in time and you would like a committed relationship so you two are not on the same wavelength. I would avoid the "it's confusing" explanation because that will impede you from being honest with yourself and what you want. With very rare exception, people want other people to know 100% that they are committed because otherwise they're risking losing their special person, and most people act in their best interests. Yes. My ex who was still online doted on me. He drove hours to see me at all hours of night and in all kinds of weather; he always cooked my favorite vegetable soup and brought it for me; he spent hours and hours cuddling; he always opened the car door; he always insisted on paying for everything despite the fact that he was broke; he told me he was falling in love, and asked me my thoughts on marriage, etc. He did like me. However I think he always seemed to wonder if maybe there was someone better out there, and he didn't want to commit. At the risk of being cynical, I think he doted on me to keep me around while he decided how he felt, and to make sure he was the one to leave, and not me. My present BF does not spoil me as much. E.g. he doesn't open doors, and all costs have been split 50/50 from the first date on. On the other hand, he pulled all of his profiles on Date #2, including ones I didn't know about, and ones that cost money. He is not lurking online. He hasn't dumped me yet, and I don't think he will. I don't think he ever wonders if there is someone better out there, because he thinks he is lucky to have me. Actually I'm the lucky one, but he doesn't know it. In retrospect, with my ex, there were other red flags which I ignored. He told me ten years ago he had abruptly left a very nice woman because things got too serious. He was very afraid of being hurt, or of hurting me, and said "romance is the business of pain." When I offered him my house key once, or to loan him my car when his was in the shop (I wasn't using mine), he freaked out and said I should not trust him--or anyone--that much until we were engaged. For comparison, with my present BF, after we'd been dating a month or so I handed him my wallet (credit cards and all) and ATM pin, and asked him to get me $200 from my account. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he felt honored. So anyway I guess what I am saying is the same as Batya; that someone liking you is not the same as his wanting to commit to you (or anyone.) Look at his relationship history and see if there are any other red flags you are missing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Good points by Batya and Marshmlofluff. But I can see how if you've never never been in this particular situation -- with a guy who genuinely likes you and wants to be with you, yet still keeps casting his eye out into the dating pool -- that it would be confusing. I think this is a tough nut to crack. It's mystifying to me that a man would call you all the time, want to get together for extended weekends every single week, etc.; yet be checking in online every few days. What is it with some of these guys? I don't get it! But I think Batya is right on when she says to not get sidetracked by the confusing signals. The point is, he's still checking in online and that's not consistent with an exclusive/committed relationship, and that's what needs to be addressed. Puddincup, don't feel bad for chickening out. You will find the right moment. I think he would feel bad if he knew how much this is troubling you. And if he doesn't feel at least a little bad on some level when you finally find the courage to put this all out on the table -- then I would say he's not so nice after all. I don't think it is going to come to that though. I find that relationships are like pressure cookers; major problems and also minor life friction generate steam, which you have to let out in a controlled way now and then lest the whole thing explode. By the way, this is great advice, Marshmlofluff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Good points by Batya and Marshmlofluff. But I can see how if you've never never been in this particular situation -- with a guy who genuinely likes you and wants to be with you, yet still keeps casting his eye out into the dating pool -- that it would be confusing. I think this is a tough nut to crack. It's mystifying to me that a man would call you all the time, want to get together for extended weekends every single week, etc.; yet be checking in online every few days. What is it with some of these guys? I don't get it! I'm glad you liked the advice, citymouse--thank you! I still don't understand this situation either...it really is a very tough nut to crack. I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt, and in retrospect with the same information at the same time I might have done the same thing I did; given him the benefit of the doubt for as long as I could, and then asked him what was up. The only difference is that once when I asked him about it and he got angry and defensive, then I maybe might have left--I thought of it, except he then apologized in tears and voluntarily took the profile down. So at that point I figured why would I leave over an issue that was now moot? My best guess is that there are some men who may like you but are uncertain about commitment in general. But there really isn't a good answer...I have been through it, and honestly I still don't understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 This is causing you much angst, so I feel it warrants a real conversation. He does really seem into you, so I am surprised he still goes on-line. And no, it is not because he is bored, and you know that. I agree with City Mouse that maybe he doesn't realize how much this is bothering you - how emotionally invested you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
citymouse Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 I think he likes her a lot. He cooks for her, he wants to be with her all the time, he's affectionate with her, treats her respectfully, genuinely enjoys her company. I think Puddincup has more power here than she may realize. I wonder how invested he is in his "need" to go online and sniff around every few days. I think for a guy who apparently has commitment issues -- shades of gray here -- he's enjoying the best of all worlds because Puddincup has not called him on it yet. I think if she made a few waves, he would cut it out because I suspect he values having her in his life more than the thrill or whatever it is of going online to see who's checking him out. I mean, c'mon, it's been seven months of togetherness and having fun. I seriously doubt he's going to have a problem with giving up his little online habit. I could be wrong. Maybe I'm naive. I just think it would be supremely stupid and nonsensical for him to have a problem with her daring to speak up. After all based on her many posts here, it's pretty evident that she is quite a catch. But then I read what happened to Marshmlofluff, and I keep scratching my head. Men truly are from Mars and women from Venus, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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