He slept with an unavailable lady

[Kaiser_Soze]

I stand corrected. I didn't realize you had to drag it out of him, it wasn't about disclosure. That being said, there is no direct link that because he was involved with a married woman that he will cheat. They could have been seperated, there are thousands of possibilities that could change the circumstances of the situation. Life is just not that simple, we all wish it was, but it's not.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I understand people can change and all that, but this incident was only a few years ago and this man was in his late 20's. I'd be more leninent if this was like 10+ years ago and/or he was younger than 21, say. After a certain age, people rarely change who they are on a core level. Besides, he will not be condemned forever. Some sucker, er girl, will find it ok.

[Mauxly]

I don't know. Yeah, people make mistakes, and yeah, he was honest with you. But it speaks volumes about how he feels about commitement.

 

The truth is, there is always an excuse for infidelity. ALWAYS. If you are the type to look for them, you are the type to cheat.

 

I'd run away. Personally, that's what I'd do.

[BellaDonna]

So, hi everyone. Got a question! I just moved to a new town and have been talking to this guy, he just told me yesterday that a few years ago, he had a sexual relationship with a lady that was cheating on her partner with HIM! It turned me off to him. Am I right for not wanting to continue on with talking to him?

 

To me this says it all. Chances are if she is already turned off now- there is probably no going back. First impressions mean a lot- and what I seem to notice is that sometimes in the dating world people are so motivated just to find "someone" that they try to force themselves to overlook issues that their guts warn them about.

 

Assuming that the OP/dater is question is not paranoid, overly sensitive, or extremely picky to the point of excluding everyone who isn't 100% perfect, I do think she should trust her gut on this one.

 

If you don't want to date someone who has been involved in an extramarital affair (regardless of how you found out, or what his intentions were at the time), then don't. It's that simple. If you try to force yourself not to be true to yourself and or to compromise standards the relationship is already starting out on a bad foot. If you are already hoping he will "change" this early on, those expectations are problematic. It's a bad match.

 

-More fish in the sea.

[teabee]

I agree with BellaDonna in that the OP's gut reaction will probably interfere too much with how she sees him, and maybe that's all that matters in this case.

 

I think as time goes on, though, she will learn that morality is not so black and white. Doing a bad thing does not make one a bad person, nor does it mean he or she will do it again. Plus if you had to drag it out of him, that means he is obviously not proud of it. And he probably feels it's irrelevant but knows some people won't give him a chance knowing about his past mistakes.

 

Make room for other people's pasts, because we all have them.

[DN]

I agree with BellaDonna in that the OP's gut reaction will probably interfere too much with how she sees him, and maybe that's all that matters in this case.

 

I think as time goes on, though, she will learn that morality is not so black and white. Doing a bad thing does not make one a bad person, nor does it mean he or she will do it again. Plus if you had to drag it out of him, that means he is obviously not proud of it. And he probably feels it's irrelevant but knows some people won't give him a chance knowing about his past mistakes.

 

Make room for other people's pasts, because we all have them.

Good post. I agree with this.

[BellaDonna]

I agree with BellaDonna in that the OP's gut reaction will probably interfere too much with how she sees him, and maybe that's all that matters in this case.

 

I think as time goes on, though, she will learn that morality is not so black and white. Doing a bad thing does not make one a bad person, nor does it mean he or she will do it again. Plus if you had to drag it out of him, that means he is obviously not proud of it. And he probably feels it's irrelevant but knows some people won't give him a chance knowing about his past mistakes.

 

Make room for other people's pasts, because we all have them.

 

Great post, teabee.

 

I would add that if the OP is going to choose to move on- she should let him down kindly and tactfully, especially since she "dragged" the information out of him.

 

I'm not saying to lie, but just be general. "I don't think we make a good match" or "My gut feelings tell me we are not compatible" -That's the truth in a nutshell and won't be as hurtful as stating outright that it was because of his past affair. Of course if he asks about that spefically, then answer honestly.

[abitbroken]

I am going to agree with belladonna.

 

I think that sometimes we confuse "forgiveness" with "overlooking"

 

here is how I see it.

 

1) He did something that was regrettable. Is he worthy of forgiveness. Yes. 100%

 

2) Does the poster, knowing this, have to continue with this man as a potential future husband or at least steady boyfriend knowing what she knows? No. It has nothing to do with casting a stone.

 

There are a lot of things I find permissible in a friend's past or forgiveable as another human being but if we are looking for something that can hopefully turn into a permanent relationship at some point, we don't have to put up with certain things. It can invalidate their suitability as a partner for us.

 

There are some stupid things I did in my life. I admit it. But there are certain things that have been ingrained in me. My boyfriend has never been married, but forgives my past of being divorced as I have learned from my mistakes etc, and am very committed to who I am with. had the divorce been on the grounds of me cheating - he may have been my friend, but he would have weeded me out as a potential life partner. It is something that can be forgiven but it does not have to be "overlooked"

 

On the other hand, there are men that I would have loved to date prior to my meeting my boyfriend. One gentleman in particular as a rule would not entertain contact from divorced women. It was an online dating site and I wrote him a note and mentioned that I knew he didn't talk to divorced women and explained that my husband abandoned me to sort of let him know I wasn't divorced because I didn't take my marriage seriously. For him, divorce was not permissible where many people might think he is stupid at his age not consider.

 

At any rate, I think that the OP might not be convinced that the guy did personal work and really has changed. To me, I would want someone who would hold marriage sacred no matter if a pretty married thing comes his way. That is sort of a worldview that someone has that does not change readily and it could mean he doesn't value it or he does and his views are malleable depending on the circumstances.

 

Now, if the guy really did not know she was unavailable - no ring, no appearance of disappearing mysteriously, etc, etc, that may be a different matter but if it was knowing, I can see where the OP would be upset

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree with the stance that if the OP finds it a deal breaker, she should by all means cut ties with him. You only live once, don't settle. It could be a shame, because maybe he really is a great guy.

 

The responses on here have been harsh, though... to err is human.

[lavenderdove]

A person you choose to date is a really personal decision, so the OP has to know herself and know what her value system is to make that decision. So if she thinks it is awful, then she shouldn't pursue this guy.

 

But you have to put ALL behavior in context, and be cautious about painting everyone and everything in the world with the same brush, because humans are very complicated and so many things happen along life's twists and turns that nothing is simple.

 

For example, if the woman was someone he really liked, and she told him she was going to break up with the boyfriend, and they had an encounter late at night when both were extremely lonely etc., then afterwards he realized it was a huge mistake, then perhaps he really learned something and it makes him LESS likely to do such a thing again, rather then MORE likely.

 

But if he's a guy that has a spotted relationship history with lots of cheating, dates only significantly younger women because they are not as savvy to his tricks, then the OP might be VERY worried and should be.

 

People learn, grow, change. Some behavior is harder to change than others. So it is very different if it was a one time thing that was immediately regretted. You have to judge very carefully based on all the other factors playing into it.

 

But if she is disgusted by it, regardless of circumstance, then that is a sign she probably isn't right for him or he her. I would at least give him credit though to being honest, and i suspect that she, like many other people, will meet LOTS of guys who engage in worse behavior, who just don't bother to tell her about it. Those hiding their pasts are actually more danger to her than an HONEST guy who admitted his mistake. So judge very carefully when dating, because everything is not as obvious/easy as it appears.

[BriarRose]

So, hi everyone. Got a question! I just moved to a new town and have been talking to this guy, he just told me yesterday that a few years ago, he had a sexual relationship with a lady that was cheating on her partner with HIM! It turned me off to him. Am I right for not wanting to continue on with talking to him?

Your instincts are spot on for this one. His behavior (and hers, of course) was that of someone with a value system that probably would not be combatible with yours.

[tf987]

He says he is mad at himself for doing it, But I don't care! Why, with knowledge about this lady's relationship, would you carry on a relationship with her??? Eeeewww.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind... are you really expecting people on this board to change your mind for you?

 

As at least one other person here has asked... have you ever done anything you regret?

 

Nobody is perfect, if you are, you will be the first in history.

[Ms Darcy]

It is perfectly within your right to be turned off. It is a violation of your personal code of ethics. So, politely tell him good bye and keep searching.

 

I agree. You are well within your rights to accept or reject someone based on your own ethics and values.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

"Let he who has not sinned throw the first stone"

 

For me the point is not that he did this so much as - does he realise now that it was wrong, does he regret doing it and would he do it again. I am not defending his actions but asking people to look at how his character has developed since then. People make bad decisions, even as adults, but should they be condemned forever even though they accept they were wrong and are determined to change?

 

I completely agree with this. Sometimes people do learn from their mistakes.