He slept with an unavailable lady

[speak]

So, hi everyone. Got a question! I just moved to a new town and have been talking to this guy, he just told me yesterday that a few years ago, he had a sexual relationship with a lady that was cheating on her partner with HIM! It turned me off to him. Am I right for not wanting to continue on with talking to him?

[pumpkinmoon]

Although what he did was wrong, it is in the past and people can change. Does he recognise that what he did wasn't right? Would he do the same now that he has matured?

[Catdancer]

It is perfectly within your right to be turned off. It is a violation of your personal code of ethics. So, politely tell him good bye and keep searching.

[KG]

On one hand, he was being honest. On the other, he helped a cheater cheat.

 

Tough call. Just keep your eyes wide open, and go with your gut.

[speak]

He pleads that he knows what he Did was awful. But I think he just likes me SO much he'll say anything. I think it is TOTALLY dishonorable. Even if it is past.

[Kaiser_Soze]

How does he feel about it now?

[DN]

Ever done anything that you regret?

 

Remember it is not just the behavour that it important, it is recognising the consequences of it and being determined not to do it again.

[speak]

How does he feel about it now?

 

He says he is mad at himself for doing it, But I don't care! Why, with knowledge about this lady's relationship, would you carry on a relationship with her??? Eeeewww.

[HeartGoesOn]

He pleads that he knows what he Did was awful. But I think he just likes me SO much he'll say anything. I think it is TOTALLY dishonorable. Even if it is past.

 

Even though it was in the past, I can certainly see where it could affect your future if you decided to persue a relationship with him. This is your call, but trust your intuition.

[Kaiser_Soze]

He says he is mad at himself for doing it, But I don't care! Why, with knowledge about this lady's relationship, would you carry on a relationship with her??? Eeeewww.

 

You might wanna think about it for a while before you judge him. I've been in similar situations where the woman fed me all kinds of lines, like "Technically I've filed for divorce." or " We don't even sleep in the same bed and he already is seeing someone else, why shouldn't I?" The point is I too was wrong, but you don't know, and probably don't want to know the specifics. I think it speaks more about his integrity that he told you the truth about it and feels bad about doing it.

[speak]

You might wanna think about it for a while before you judge him. I've been in similar situations where the woman fed me all kinds of lines, like "Technically I've filed for divorce." or " We don't even sleep in the same bed and he already is seeing someone else, why shouldn't I?" The point is I too was wrong, but you don't know, and probably don't want to know the specifics. I think it speaks more about his integrity that he told you the truth about it and feels bad about doing it.

 

Well, I asked him if he believed in cheating and he said, no. But, how can you HELP someone cheat and then say, 'No. I would never cheat.' disgusting.

[nutbrownhare]

So, hi everyone. Got a question! I just moved to a new town and have been talking to this guy, he just told me yesterday that a few years ago, he had a sexual relationship with a lady that was cheating on her partner with HIM! It turned me off to him. Am I right for not wanting to continue on with talking to him?

When you say 'a few years ago' are we talking about a mature man who was conducting an affair, or a teenager, still finding out about the world, taking something that was on offer with no intention of pursuing it? There's a huge difference.

[speak]

When you say 'a few years ago' are we talking about a mature man who was conducting an affair, or a teenager, still finding out about the world, taking something that was on offer with no intention of pursuing it? There's a huge difference.

 

He is 32 now, which means he was in his late twenties when it happened. Old enough to know better!!!

[shes2smart]

He says he is mad at himself for doing it, But I don't care! Why, with knowledge about this lady's relationship, would you carry on a relationship with her??? Eeeewww.

 

Ok, so...what's the problem here?

 

You don't care that he regrets it. Sounds to me that you've already made up your mind and decided he's not the kind of person you want to allow into your life.

 

You can make that choice. You don't need to ask if it's "right" to not want to continue talking to him. Are you looking for someone to tell you, "Oh, no...you HAVE TO give him a chance, you shouldn't judge him, you don't know all the details, he regrets what he's done, you HAVE TO be compassionate and understanding." ? Because the fact of the matter is you don't HAVE TO do any of that if you don't want to.

 

But nobody can make that decision for you.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Well, I asked him if he believed in cheating and he said, no. But, how can you HELP someone cheat and then say, 'No. I would never cheat.' disgusting.

 

It is disgusting, definitely get rid of him.

[speak]

Ok, so...what's the problem here?

 

You don't care that he regrets it. Sounds to me that you've already made up your mind and decided he's not the kind of person you want to allow into your life.

 

You can make that choice. You don't need to ask if it's "right" to not want to continue talking to him. Are you looking for someone to tell you, "Oh, no...you HAVE TO give him a chance, you shouldn't judge him, you don't know all the details, he regrets what he's done, you HAVE TO be compassionate and understanding." ? Because the fact of the matter is you don't HAVE TO do any of that if you don't want to.

 

But nobody can make that decision for you.

NO. I am just looking at others people's beliefs on the situation. Thank, u!

[BellaDonna]

This would raise red flags for me. People do make mistakes and maybe he learned from it but, IMO in order for him to be a boy-toy in an affair with a married woman there might be a couple of negative core issues at play, which to me, would make a man undesirable. What was the context of the relationship with the married woman? Was he hoping to have an exclusive relationship with her at some point, and that she would leave her husband? Either way it's no bargain:

 

1.) Low self-worth- If the assumption is that he was indeed seeking a monogamous relationship, yet he was willing to settle the sloppy seconds of a married woman who was not committed to him....What does that say about his self-esteem?

 

2.) Low regard for monogamy - if he was NOT seeking a monogamous relationship, and just in it with the married woman for the sex....and YOU are seeking a monogamous relationship and/or marriage one day, his past could be problematic. It shows he is willing to lie. It shows he didn't respect the institution of marriage (even if only in this one case). It shows he can easily have sex with no strings attached.

 

You'll have to talk to him more about this and ask him what was going on in his mind at the time of the affair. Maybe she lied to him and strung him along? Maybe he was young and naive and down on himself at the time?

 

Do you think he was telling you to brag or demonstrate sexual prowness? Or was he telling you about something he learned from or to give an example of a bad past choice that has motivated him to find the right woman this time?

[Go Habs Go]

You're going to have to trust your gut. He wasn't a kid at the time. He was still pushing 30. He might say he regrets it, but he knew the situation and still went along with it. That shows the type of morals he has. Personally, I'd dump him myself if I were in that situation.

[Go Habs Go]

Do you think he was telling you to brag or demonstrate sexual prowness? Or was he telling you about something he learned from or to give an example of a bad past choice that has motivated him to find the right woman this time?

 

 

I'm willing to bet it was the former.

[speak]

BELLADONNA , thank u for the insight. I am a 21 yr old that has never had a boyfriend and I am a virgin. I wanted to know about his relationships and I actually had to pull this secret out of him. I just think he has low self esteem. I can do better.

[DN]

Do you think he would do it again? Or has he learned better?

 

BTW - he will never share a secret like that again with anyone and, for him at least, honesty is not the best policy.

[StrawberryYogurt]

BTW - he will never share a secret like that again with anyone and, for him at least, honesty is not the best policy.

 

He should've thought about that a long time ago, then. And it's good he was honest so the OP can get rid of a low ethics guy. You make it sound like we should feel bad for him, no way, man!

[DN]

Well you know that he had low ethics then. Do you think he has low ethics now.

 

Change is possible.

[Go Habs Go]

He should've thought about that a long time ago, then. And it's good he was honest so the OP can get rid of a low ethics guy. You make it sound like we should feel bad for him, no way, man!

 

 

Agreed. Honesty is always the best policy and if you have something to hide, 1)It will come out at some point and 2)Those people make horrible partners.

[DN]

"Let he who has not sinned throw the first stone"

 

For me the point is not that he did this so much as - does he realise now that it was wrong, does he regret doing it and would he do it again. I am not defending his actions but asking people to look at how his character has developed since then. People make bad decisions, even as adults, but should they be condemned forever even though they accept they were wrong and are determined to change?