If sex. compatibility is central, why not test it soon?

[Keraron]

Why stay together waiting only to break up once you find out that you aren't sexually compatible?

 

I ask this after having heard the opinion of many people, also on this forum, on the importance of sex in a relationship. The most common answer has been that if there is low sexual compatibility, the relationship isn't worth it and that is a reason valid enough to break up.

 

Following a long history as an active "pick up artist", I have grown up to convert into an advocate of virginity until marriage, which - in my opinion - emphasizes friendship and companionship instead of basing the relationship, especially during the initial phase, on physical attraction (which can come and go randomly and is the cause of romantic instability).

 

Still, I would like to ask those who attribute so much importance to sexual compatibility: If it is so important for the survival of your relationship, why wait so long to find it out?

 

I am driving at the possible conclusion that if sexual compatibility IS in fact so important, then it would be much better to find out immediately. The earlier the better, possibly in the first days we know each other, instead of investing so much precious time on one sole person whom we might have to break up with anyway...

[melrich]

I am one who thinks sexual "compatability" is important. But I don't think it is "compatability" in the sense that we may assess compatability in other areas.

 

Most people can make sex work. Where relationships get into trouble IMHO, particularly longer relationships, is where there is no sexual intimacy. And that is usually not a compatability issue, that is usually a loss of interest issue.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Because personality and character can only be assess with time.

 

Why give your body and trust to someone you barely know?

 

I think there are fine arguments for both sides. And, I think being tolerant of people's choices and letting them live their lives is the best.

[pinkelephant]

i agree with the previous poster who said sexual intimacy is more important than compatibility unless you're into really different things (bdsm for example).

[Vince99]

i agree with the previous poster who said sexual intimacy is more important than compatibility unless you're into really different things (bdsm for example).

 

Exactly. Sexual compatibility is generally a myth perpetrated by the "hook up" culture. Unless the two people are vastly different, as mentioned at the end of the above quoted text, you can work together to make it work. And if the two are indeed vastly different, you'll figure that out beforehand. Or, at least you should.

 

I am one who thinks sexual "compatability" is important. But I don't think it is "compatability" in the sense that we may assess compatability in other areas.

 

Most people can make sex work. Where relationships get into trouble IMHO, particularly longer relationships, is where there is no sexual intimacy. And that is usually not a compatability issue, that is usually a loss of interest issue.

 

^And also this. Especially the second sentence.

[Samedy]

Mental compatibility is just, if not more important than sexual compatibility. If you are thinking long term, it is important that you actually like the person and not just the sex they bring....

 

The sex and passion will always die down (it's biological), however, if you truly like the person, then your relationship will last.

[mfan]

//If sex. compatibility is central, why not test it soon? //

This sounds like a great idea for a pickup line

 

Sex before marriage is essential in my opinion, but having sex early sould be balanced by the willingness to get to love each other so you are more able to accept some level of sexual differences between you.

[Vince99]

It is absolutely not "essential". Not for everyone.

[friendsoulmate]

Exactly. Sexual compatibility is generally a myth perpetrated by the "hook up" culture. Unless the two people are vastly different, as mentioned at the end of the above quoted text, you can work together to make it work. And if the two are indeed vastly different, you'll figure that out beforehand. Or, at least you should.

 

I totally agree with this statement. I believe "sexual compatibility" was made-up as an excuse to use people for sex and as an excuse to cohabitate or "shack-up" with a sex partner. What usually happens is the man, jerk, or cad will convince a woman they both need to test their sex to see if they are both sexually compatible, and if the man is no longer interested for any reason, or if he gets a woman pregnant, he can just walk away to the next woman, because he is not married and doesn't want that responsibility. It's a scam or a fraud, you see. I am a strong believer in virginity until marriage, because I value sex and I value marriage, and I don't want myself or my partner to feel that they were used for sexual satisfaction, and both of us can easily walk away from this experience without a commitment. I think it is perfectly acceptable for a newly engaged couple to talk about what kind of sex they are interested in before marriage, such as the obvious: penis in the vagina, giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus, sex toys, etc. This way a couple can plan on satisfying their sexual desires he has always had or she has always had, within marriage. I don't believe it when a woman says "Men! All they care about is one thing(sex)!" to imply a woman is less interested in sex, because if women didn't enjoy sex or look forward to having sex, then there would be a lot less people(babies) in this world.

[surfNski]

Essential. I am not going to emotionally commit to a woman who isnt sexually compatible with me. If you are thinking long term you dont want to have to look foreword to years of boring sex. Or on the other hand you dont want to find out later they want to start swinging.

FOR ME..it is essential.

[abitbroken]

I think when two people are nuts about eachother, sex comes naturally when its time. What "compatibility" means to me is not the way someone rocks or moans but what their ideals and preferences are that can be explored through talking (and preferences are not all about positions) - and you can know that before anyone sleeps together. Often I find people have sex before they have the guts to talk to eachother and I think thats the problem - they expect sex will open them up to talking about it. we are all guiilty of that. Of course physical attraction plays a part, but you already know that its there from when you first lay eyes on eachother, keeping things above the shoulders (kissing). It is there or its not. If you both believe in waiting for sex - then there is another dimension of compatibility. In fact if there are issues with some parts being small or larger than normal - when a couple has good communication - it is great fun exploring eachother and different positions that work better.

 

I found that my ex husband and I werent very sexually compatible and it had nothing to do with arousal. He didn't value sexual intimacy it in the same way I did. He also tried to talk me into threesomes and such that I would not do - he focused less on the act being lovemaking than I did. Nothing wrong with having some rough and tumble sex with your spouse or partner but if they don't feel that its special and wonderful but private and tell people about stuff you do - then it breaks trust.

[Jetta]

Because you'd be a * * * * * if you were to sleep with every guy before you knew if you were remotely compatible in other ways. Yes it does matter and it may be the glitch in my relationship.

[hexaemeron]

Chicken or the egg.

[OrangeMoon]

I always struggle with this...

 

I for instance only want to be with, give my heart to a great human being, with great character and who is pretty well endowed. The latter next to the other things is pretty darn important to me,because it creates a lot of my sexual desire for that man. But how do you bring that up without them thinking that its all about sex. And if you get into bed too soon with someone..if his sexuality and endowment is not what i desire..it ends there--if it is-- than you might have to deal with the fact that you have probably gotten into bed with this person a bit too soon.

 

So its a tough one for me....because its absolutely important to me. I have tried other options....but i never got the feeling i was looking for.

 

So the reality is..that when i get stuck with the wrong guesses..i have waisted a lot of valuable time..not to mention less satisfying intimate moments...

[HouseKitten]

I've always thought, since sex is important to me in a relationship, that sexual compatibility and personality/morals/beliefs compatibility are not on different shelves. They're all part of the bigger picture of compatibility to that person as a whole.

 

I would not be happy with someone who had completely different views to me on what was acceptable in bed, just as I wouldn't date someone with completely different religious beliefs. I find these things to be equally important.

[Day_Walker]

I personally think that sexual compatibility is important but I have seen people who think the same thing and yet do not ask any questions or only ask limited questions to figure out how sexually compatible the other person is. A lot of people seem to rely on the sexual relations that takes place in the beginning of the relationship to determine how sexual compatible the two people are. I think that relying on this is a mistake and that clear questions need to be asked in order to determine how sexually compatible a person and their partner are.

[Cardinal]

Still, I would like to ask those who attribute so much importance to sexual compatibility: If it is so important for the survival of your relationship, why wait so long to find it out?

 

I am driving at the possible conclusion that if sexual compatibility IS in fact so important, then it would be much better to find out immediately. The earlier the better, possibly in the first days we know each other, instead of investing so much precious time on one sole person whom we might have to break up with anyway...

 

I am a very big proponent for sexual compatibility.

 

And I agree that there is no point in waiting that long to find out. However, it is more than possible to date several people at once, so there is not a lot to be gained by necessarily having intercourse within the first few days of meeting. Within the first month or two makes perfect sense for me and doesn't result in losing time. Logistics like birth control and STD prevention need to be discussed also and tend to slow the process a bit.The other thing to note is that judging long term sexual compatibility is more important than short term. It is very good to know that two people can have great sex for a month or two. But with say, three years of great sex under your belt, then you have a better feel for what it might be like to be with that person over the long haul. Though there is no substitute for intercourse there are also a lot of ways to intuitively test compatibility before the act occurs. So again, doing it 'immediately' isn't called for necessarily. Can happen, but by no means needed.

 

Another biggie is that if you are not ready to have sex right away, you aren't exactly going to perform at a great level and may not even be comfortable doing it. That would just make for a bad experience and definitely not a true representation of what is possible if you were to wait a bit before going at it. The idea of waiting say 2- 5 years before having sex does indeed seem like a big waste of time if you end up not being compatible with a partner.

[quirky]

Sexual compatibility=super important for me. I'd wait a bit to find out but not too long. Sexual combatibility is not just about sex; it resolves a lot of petty arguments and makes a lot of everyday activities a lot of fun. We also express a deeper part of us through the act. I often think that people that think sex is not that important is people that haven't had bad sex. Because when you have bad sex (due to incompatibility or different sex drive) no amount of intellectual conversation can fix it.

[arcadefire]

I believe you need to trust your partner at some level before you choose to have sex. Because you're putting your health at risk once you have sex, and you need to have that trust that s/he isn't going behind your back and potentially spread a disease to you. Therefore you need to know the person at some level before you can "test it soon".

 

Also, some people are interested in having sex with someone they're serious with first, so the "sex compatibility is central" point is moot.

[Kyoot_Panda]

It really depends on the relationship and how long you've known each other, IMO.

Starting a relationship off with sex when you barely know the person just seems like a bad idea, wait to get to know each other and see if you're compatible on many different levels first. Though if you've known each other for a while (a few years) before you're relationship that can change things.

I don't like the idea of having sex with someone you don't love. It just seems sleazy to me.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sexual compatibility=super important for me. I'd wait a bit to find out but not too long. Sexual combatibility is not just about sex; it resolves a lot of petty arguments and makes a lot of everyday activities a lot of fun. We also express a deeper part of us through the act. I often think that people that think sex is not that important is people that haven't had bad sex. Because when you have bad sex (due to incompatibility or different sex drive) no amount of intellectual conversation can fix it.

 

I agree with this completely.

 

While I believe that sex does involve compatibility, it also gives you some insight as to what kind of character the person has. A trusting, loving partner with good communication will just provide better sex to me than someone who isn't trustworthy and respectful. Now, I believe developing a relationship is better and then bringing sex into a relationship is the right way for me, but I do believe sex is another part of your partner you should know about.

 

It's pretty easy to have a great relationship when it hasn't been tested. When neither of you have to compromise and you haven't gone through something that needs to be worked through, it's easy to love each other. Start out with bad sex and then communicate and work to make it great...and then you have the makings of a great relationship. That's true for any part of the relationship. Sex is just another piece of the whole package.

[greywolf]

Some people do test it right away. There's nothing wrong with that. Sexual compatibility is very important to me, as are a whole bunch of other things. IMO the problem with having sex with someone right away is that even then you don't really get to know the person. They're still on their best behavior, or probably haven't told you about more of their darker fantasies. Even sexually, a lot of people take some time to open up and express themselves.

[KG]

Two people can make it work. But it takes trust, which comes with time. A few weeks for some, longer for others.

 

We waited 2 weeks....quick, I know. But felt the faith that we would stay together, and here it is 6 months....

[hexaemeron]

Two people can make it work. But it takes trust, which comes with time. A few weeks for some, longer for others.

 

We waited 2 weeks....quick, I know. But felt the faith that we would stay together, and here it is 6 months....

 

Two weeks is quick? Wow. Heteroland is so sparkly and different.

[KG]

Two weeks is quick? Wow. Heteroland is so sparkly and different.

LOL!!!!!!

We didn't want it to be just about the sex....we're gettin' old for ONS, and we thought we should tread lightly.

And the hurt factor if it didn't work out.