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Is this considered physical abuse?


Lion-Guy

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In the past month my GF has hit me at least 6 times on 3 different occasions. It hasn't left lasting pain, but she did rupture the fluid in my eye, leaving me with a semi-permanent "floater" according to the eye dr.

 

- First time, we were on a hike. We had been fighting for an hour and were crossing a slippery/steep area when I was being demanding and asking for my backpack back (I was afraid she would leave me on the trail since she was upset and it had my wallet and passport to get home) I grabbed it from her and she felt unsafe and started hitting me to let go of it. It got to the point where she was pounding my face and head with her fist. 5 min. down the trail we came face to face and she ripped me a new one. Pushed me, grabbed me, slapped me. I did nothing. But stood with my hands down and told her she was acting like a monster. She continued in rage.

 

She apologized a few hrs later and promised to never hit me again. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and I will breakup with her the second she ever laid a hand on me again.

 

- 2. Next day in the hotel. We got into a fight. She is a screamer, I am quiet. Hotel security comes by to ask if everything is ok. Once they leave, she kicks a shoe right into my eye. Felt like I got punched in the face. Small cut on my face.

 

-3rd time 2 weeks later we are at her house. We fight over a phone call. She was clearly talking to some friend who was a guy. She said it was her friend Katie and wouldn't tell me the nature of the call. "Sounded like a guy to me" I said. She got worked up that I didn't believe her and started pushing me. Than she hit and slapped my face several times. I gave her a big bear hug trying to keep her arms out of my face and she full-on bit me on the chest leaving a bruise and mark. She locked ME out of the house after I stormed out and told her I would never see her again. We made up slowly that same day. But she never said she was sorry for anything. I could have been wrong about the phone call, but her overreaction leads me to believe otherwise.

 

 

1. I have never had one of my 8 GF's ever lay a hand on me for 27 years

2. I have never never been physically violated by anyone but her (not even my parents spanked me)

3. As crazy as it sounds I love her

4. I am scarred that if I leave her I won't find another girl soon enough and will be lonely for the next year

5. I am tired of the dating world, I just want to find the right woman already

6. My confidence is broken

7. Is slapping a guy crossing the line?

8.. She says I am the only person that has ever gotten her so worked up to create the need to hit me.

9. I'm afraid to express myself around her, because it is near impossible to have an adult conversation about our relationship without her blowing up on me

 

Posted recently, but I want to address abuse in this one above ( )

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Yes that's physical abuse. It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman doing it because it's still assault. Why are you still with her?

Do you know that's not a normal relationship. No one is suppose to be hitting. Get away from her or if you still want to stay, make sure she enrolls in an anger management program.

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YES, without a doubt, it IS physical abuse and the sooner you get out the better. This girl has issues and she needs to address it with some professional counselling.

 

You said:

 

I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and I will breakup with her the second she ever laid a hand on me again.

 

You need to carry out what you say - again, the sooner the better. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship where there is physical abuse will only break you down in more ways than one. Your self-esteem will begin to crumble and before you know it, you yourself will need counselling.

 

Get out before more damage is done.

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That's definitely abuse..there's no way you should be putting up with that. All of that is crossing the line. All of it. I find it hard to believe that you're the first person she raised her hand to, and even if by chance you are it shouldn't warrant the need to hit you.

 

I know you're tired of the dating world and you love her, but you've really gotta stand your ground here. Otherwise it's just a cycle..

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Of course it is! Just because it's a man on the receiving end doesn't mean it's more acceptable that if it were a woman. And you seem like too much of a decent guy to have to put up with this (not what anyone does deserve this kind of treatment anyway).

 

Please leave her - love isn't enough as the saying goes.

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8.. She says I am the only person that has ever gotten her so worked up to create the need to hit me.

9. I'm afraid to express myself around her, because it is near impossible to have an adult conversation about our relationship without her blowing up on me

 

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have our red flag winners.

 

Yes this is abuse. This will get worse now she is learning there are no real issues with hitting you. NO this is not because of anything you do/did/done.

 

Leave her. There are worse things than being lonely. Seriously.

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Thanks friends. You have helped me in more ways than can be described. Embarrassing to think that I have gotten myself into an abusive situation that I didn't recognize it at first.

 

I never thought I would be the one looking into the mirror at bite marks and a bruise on my face. I'm a man and she is a 100lb woman. How much damage can she do? But I realize it isn't about that. It is about respect and keeping your anger under control. My mom, a phycologist would be ashamed of me. Those were the stories she would be bring to the dinner table from time to time.

 

I called her yesterday after her work, she answered, but said she was too busy to talk and would call back about visiting tomorrow. She never called back. At the end of the night she txtd "book me a flight". I called several times just afterwords but she wouldn't pickup. Not picking up the phone for 2 min to talk, makes me not trust her. What could she possibly be doing that is so important for 6 hr.?

 

I wrote her a heartfelt text about how she has frustrated me and that I felt neglected that we couldn't talk for 5 min. That she left me hanging and that I feel like I am wasting my time. And that I was going to sleep sad.

 

She never wrote back and now her phone is dead bc it won't ring this morning. I need to get some self control and not call her at all. Let her call me. But that could be days. And that is unsettling. I like to confront problems immediately and be done with them.

 

Next I need to decide how to safely breakup with her. I've always been a face to face person but she lives an hr. plane ride away. Phone may be the only option.

 

One last question. Why do you think she has stayed in this relationship with me if I upset her so much that she becomes a monster? Why hasn't she broke up with me if I make her so frustrated? Why has she continued something that is miserable at times? Do people treat others this way so that they have a reason to breakup with them?

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This is her problem, not yours. It could be from any number of things. She may need anger management therapy. Maybe she witnessed an abusive relationship growing up. Maybe she was abused in an earlier relationship. But somehow, this is what she's learned to do in a "normal" relationship. This IS normal to her. You need to break up with her NOW. If she's an hour plane ride away, a phone is your easiest and SAFEST option.

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One last question. Why do you think she has stayed in this relationship with me if I upset her so much that she becomes a monster? Why hasn't she broke up with me if I make her so frustrated? Why has she continued something that is miserable at times? Do people treat others this way so that they have a reason to breakup with them?

 

Because no one else would put up with her!

 

Another reason to end this is, since she's so unstable she could very well turn this around, and say that you're abusing her, (which is untrue) yet it is something for you to think about.

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Thanks richpart and HeartGoesOn.

 

I was thinking of flying down tonight and breaking the news after she gets off work. But I don't want to make a scene at the airport. And I don't want to get into her car only to be left stranded or have her drive off with my luggage in her car. That is something she would do.

 

The phone seems cowardly. I know I am acting vane but I don't want her to tell her family and friends that I broke up with her by phone. I try to always be a stand-up guy about things. And like the last person said, she could even try to turn things around on me. Which would be devastating and couldn't be further from the truth.

 

With that said, I can't even get ahold of her by phone right now. It is tough to swallow, but I feel like a drug addict and she is my drug. Why am I attached to something so unhealthy?

 

Ahhhhh……these are difficult thoughts for me. I don't know what to do next

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Let me ask you a question. If you had a sister and her bf was doing what your gf has done to you, would you let your sister get on a plane to go break up in person so she didn't look like a coward?

 

The girl is highly damaged goods. Cut your loses and leave. You think her family doesn't know what she's capable of? I guarantee you, you are not the first guy who "upset her so much that she becomes a monster". Notice how she shifts the blame to you.. Can't be her, there's nothing wrong with her, it's all your fault. *rolls eyes*

 

Do NOT go see her, it will not end well. Say goodbye via text or phone and lose her number. Seriously. Just think of the advice you'd give any person you care about who was in your shoes.

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Why don't you just ignore her and make no contact? She refuses to answer the phone to you so why do you feel the need to give her an explanation?

 

I have to admit, I don't understand how people put up with this type of abuse.

I suspect this may be a case of Stockholm Syndrome where the victims developed feelings of empathy and sympathy for their abusers to which doesn't allow them to leave.

It does happens to both men and women.... quite twisting.

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I suspect this may be a case of Stockholm Syndrome where the victims developed feelings of empathy and sympathy for their abusers to which doesn't allow them to leave.

It does happens to both men and women.... quite twisting.

 

I can sort of understand it more when It's the woman being abused, because maybe they're scared of leaving in case the guy harms them or their family.

 

For me to allow a woman to beat on me she'd have to be incredibly hot and rich.

 

But not attacking the OP, love is a chemical in the brain, much like depression and people can't just snap out of it.

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She's an hour's plane ride away and she's not picking up her phone. What could be better? If you're worried about your family, tell a few of them what's up immediately. She's been hitting you and you going to leave her. I think anyone would understand that breaking up over the phone would be the right thing to do in that situation. That would also help diffuse any attempt on her part to say you were abusing her.

 

Get it in your head...as of this moment, you are broken up. If and when she finally gets her head out of her a** and calls you, you can calmly let her in on the news. Let her find someone else to beat on.

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Ask me 2 months ago fantastic and I would say the same thing as you. Unfortunately it isn't that easy to walk away now that I fallen in love with her. Love can be paralyzing.

 

Keep thinking, give it another month and she will be better. She started a job a week ago and moved in to her parents house. I thought those were good steps. We were making headway. She e-mailed me a week ago that she was so sorry for screaming the other night. And that she knows it isn't effective and that she is aware of who she has become and it is out of hand. "thanks for leading by example, I love and respect you for that. You are my man."

 

I don't want to end a relationship by just not talking anymore. There needs to be some sort of talk and resolution. She has no idea that I am about to breakup with her. She txt me yesterday that she loved and missed me in the morning before she ignored and disrespected me all day.

 

It is normal for her to disappear and not call people back for a day or two. Her family has experienced this quite often. I would never tell her family about these personal issues. They are amazing and all have their act together. It would devastate her. She is the black sheep of the family. I know well enough that two wrongs don't make a right.

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The bit in bold is her way of trying to manipulate you into staying with her. It's just words, I doubt she means any of it but hopes you're a sucker that believes her. She must love the control she has over you right now.

 

Forget about the love for a minute. Do you really think she's a nice person?

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I see what you are saying. They are false hopes that I hold on to. They get me no where. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Nice person. Sometimes. She was amazing when we got into a car accident and comforted me all night when I really needed her. She just isn't effective with time or communication. I don't think she does it out of spite. She makes her family, friends and me wait hrs. for her, while she is simply sleeping in or wandering the city. I don't think those are nice actions.

 

She never got me a bday card or anything for my bday. She spent the weekend with me skiing. Wrote hppy bday in the snow. But no heart felt card, present or anything. No xmas gift either. Keeps saying one is in the works, but never delivers. I gave her nice cards and present for both.

 

Her dad, a Dr., brought up that she might want to try medicine to treat ADHD. I think that says something. I know she has been treated for depression/anxiety a long time ago.

 

Oh man the more I write about all this the more I realize all the bad signs. And how crazy this all is.

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Of course she's going to have some nice ways about her, there had to be a reason you fell in love with her and she isn't a monster, but her kind words after the fact..those filler words...that's just manipulation to keep you around. All part of an abuser's cycle. I can understand the ADHD, cause I'm not great with time either..it's part of that. But how she treats you..her blatant lack of respect for you..that's just her. You said it..words are just empty vessels without action.

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Do you deep down think she loves you? It certainly doesn't sound like it.

 

Sorry, but you're right, you are crazy for staying with her. Yes, she may be depressed, but the truth is, she sounds quite a cold, manipulative person and the way she treats you is only going to get worse, obliterating you self-esteem in the process.

 

Put yourself first here.

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Thanks for the responses guys.

 

I got a text back from her finally. She said that she is sorry and sees where I am coming from about not calling back. And that yesterday she was dealing with a back log of stress, deadlines, gossip and finances. And she didn't have time to talk about playing this weekend.

 

She said she made the responsible things a priority and thought I would respect that. She is sorry but if doesn't look like she is coming to visit than to plan my own thing and forget her. She says I am being insensitive to her only time to catch up on things (weekends) now that she has a M-F job. She said she is sorry but she is not coming to visit.

 

All of that is understandable to me. Makes sense. But it is NO reason to not call someone back and to leave them hanging. There was 2 min in her day to say "honey, I have too much on my plate and I can't make it. Enjoy the weekend without me"

 

With that aside. I called her with the intention of breaking up with her on the phone. I want to get it over with. It must be done. But she won't answer. I told her to call me back.

 

I spoke to my mom, a phycologist. She listened well and played neutral. As soon as she heard about the hitting and slapping she said I need to get out. Get out fast. She thinks I am not the first man she has treated this way.

 

So now I am waiting for her to get off work at 5pm hoping that I can get ahold of her to break the news.

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Well I did it. I finally broke up with her on the phone last night.

 

She hardly had a reaction when I said things weren't working out. She said she disagreed, but fine and hung up. On the phone less than a min. Called back, and she said either never speak to me again or realize that there will be times when I am busy and you won't get to talk to me when you want to and life is not all about you. And call me back in 2 min if this is something you can handle. I didn't call.

 

She said F%% off by text and that she was tired of games and was done with me. I guess that was her way of trying to turn it around on me and take control?

 

I didn't even get to tell he why. She thinks it is because she hasn't been communicating on the phone. But it is mainly because of the abuse. And that I won't tolerate.

 

I was stupid and broke down by the end of the night and called her several times. She answered only to yell at me. I'm ashamed of myself. I feel like and addict and she is my drug. All I want to do is see her, and comfort her.

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