Is this considered physical abuse?

[fantastic]

Well if this is what love does to people I'm glad I don't feel it.

 

btw you did the right thing, now you need to head out with you friends, screw another girl and erase this person from your mind.

[Pinnsvini]

I think it's very likely she knows perfectly well why you broke up with her, but is trying to make it seem trivial, and like it's your fault (which you must remember it is NOT).

It doesn't matter if she has ADHD, depression, or whatever, there is no excuse for the several violent outbursts she's had, and she sounds dangerous. If you stayed with her, you were going to end up with worse and worse injuries.

 

You've done the hardest part, which is breaking up with her. Now you need to start moving on, and in a few months you will look back and see how much good you've done for yourself by doing what you did.

[agent1607307371]

I'm ashamed of myself. I feel like and addict and she is my drug. All I want to do is see her, and comfort her.

 

Don't be. This is the thing that keeps people in these kinds of relationships. And you might call her again before it is out of your system. It's like quitting cigarettes or alcohol or heroin; you know the thing is bad for you, you try to walk away and you feel its hooks pulling you back. Be strong. Take care of yourself.

[Mizz J]

I am not shocked that this was her reaction. She is an ABUSER. No need to sugar coat it.

 

And it makes sense that you feel guilty and bad . There's a part of you that thinks she can change..IF ONLY YOU were good enough for HER. Psshhh....Hon, please get that thought out of your head. Just envision your life with her. What if you had kids with her.Would you want her beating and screaming at them?? Of course not. Now...envision her with ANOTHER guy..beating and screaming at him. Makes you feel SO much better for NOt being HIM, doesn't it??? Trust me, you are not the first person she has done this to, and you certainly won't be the last. Just make sure this IS the lat time she does it to YOU. Be strong.

[yeawutever]

I'm glad to here you got out of that abusive relationship. The fact that she isn't remorse is already telling that it's a trait she'd carried along for possible years. In other words, it means she's messed-up in her mind.

What if you'd stay with her and the next time, it's a wine bottle or knife thrown at you? If she hit you to the point of getting cuts, then that's a dangerous person.

If she tries contacting you, it might be wise to file a restraining order against her.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks fantastic, Pinnsvini, agent, Mizz J, and yeawutever. You are all great people and offer wonderful advice.

 

I did amazing the last two days and didn't respond to her text messages. She textd me and said to find a new date for valentines day. Than an hour later "I love you". I don't think the reality has hit her. She hasn't called once. I'm amazed by that.

 

You're right miss j, part of me thinks she will change but reality is, she won't. So much of me wants to makeup with her this week and enjoy valentines weekend with her one last time. But I know this would just delay my healing process and would most likely end even worse.

[fantastic]

It seems to me your in love with how you want this women to be, rather then the women she actually is.

 

She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, has no remorse. Someone like that lacks a conscience or has a very weakened conscience.

 

If she accepted she has a problem and seek help then there's a chance it might work out between you and her. But she doesn't want help because she doesn't see anything wrong.

 

You should stay well clear. She will make your life miserable.

[Lion-Guy]

Yes Fantastic. I was in love with her potential, not who she truly is. She has a ton of potential but at 30, she won't change.

 

She has txtd me a half a dozen times. Today she asked my how my weekend ended up going with out her there and that she misses me. Than she said that I turned out to be vindictive and my punishment (silent treatment) must be a message that we are no longer a team and that I am abandoning her. Than I love you and I am sorry I couldn't be enough for you.

 

I am thinking of texting her back that unless she seeks help for her anger and the abuse she has done to me, I don't want anything from her. Not that I am interested in taking her back, but I am curious about her response. Will she get furious and upset, or will she realize that is what this break-up is about and say yes?

 

I just wrote down a list of everything that I question about her. It is quite a list. A list of red flags that is. Only now does she want to communicate. Before she would hardy ever answer or return my calls.

[veneratio]

I doubt she will realize what the break up is truly about on your terms, it has to be solely on her own. And more than likely she does realize what it is about, but will she admit her wrongs/flaws and put forth action to change them? Probably not. She's already trying to turn it around on you by saying you're vindictive.

 

Stay strong for your own sake.

[Lion-Guy]

Yep. I finally textd her once telling her that she is full of false promises. You said you would never hit me again, you did. You said you don't do anything illegal, yet you do. etc. Unless you want help for the abuse you have done to me, I want nothing further.

 

She wrote me back a million times and pretty much put the blame of the abuse and many other things on me. She said it was because she was cornered and she had no choice. Not true. Her response went from anger, to I'm very sorry, to anger, to I'm sorry, to leave me alone. Every text message was up down up down. She was very sorry for the hurt she has caused me, but said that I bring her down, falsely portray her and make her look bad. I think she is really worried that I will tell her family about this. But really I have no interest in doing that.

 

She said love for me here, not resentment, not getting even or punishment. But followed it up with more anger for breaking her trust. Lastly she said "stay out of my life" because my text included something illegal that she does. And she was afraid the phones are monitored and that I just caused a lot of trouble in her life for txting that accross monitored phone lines. Crazy hunh??? She must be really paranoid. For if she wasn't doing this stuff she wouldn't be worried about anything.

 

I didn't respond to any of this. I'm amazed and more assured that it was the right decision. It is a powerful feeling. I hope others in these abusive relationships get out sooner than later.

[yeawutever]

It's obviously that woman is demented and doesn't even recognized she has serious temper issues. It's now up to her to enroll in anger management classes while you move on with your life. Anyone who abuses someone means they never care about you nor your safety in the first place. In addition, abusers don't love you. They like the idea of being in love but deep down, it's all about power and control.

 

If you see another man getting physical abused by a wife or girlfriend, talk to him ASAP and seek help. It's not normal getting abuse by anyone.

[fantastic]

Just thought I'd say, that some abusers do care about the person they're with. Some just have anger, drug or alcohol problems and seek help and may get better.

 

This women though doesn't seem to think she has a problem. She's the type of abuser who will never get better because in her mind it's everybody else fault.

[FarthestEdge]

Yes Fantastic. I was in love with her potential, not who she truly is. She has a ton of potential but at 30, she won't change.

 

She has txtd me a half a dozen times. Today she asked my how my weekend ended up going with out her there and that she misses me. Than she said that I turned out to be vindictive and my punishment (silent treatment) must be a message that we are no longer a team and that I am abandoning her. Than I love you and I am sorry I couldn't be enough for you.

 

I.

 

Yep. I finally textd her ....

 

She wrote me back a million times and pretty much put the blame of the abuse and many other things on me. ... Her response went from anger, to I'm very sorry, to anger, to I'm sorry, to leave me alone. Every text message was up down up down. She was very sorry for the hurt she has caused me, but said that I bring her down, falsely portray her and make her look bad. I think she is really worried that I will tell her family about this.

 

..

I didn't respond to any of this. I'm amazed and more assured that it was the right decision. It is a powerful feeling. I hope others in these abusive relationships get out sooner than later.

 

The "nice" is the mask she wears to suck you in. In a crises like this, she cycles through the faces faster, because when "nice" doesn't work, "guilt" might...if "guilt" doesn't work, then maybe "blame" will set you straight. Failing that, threats are a last resort....

 

Make no mistake, any relationship with her would look like this all the time, she'd just change the masks less frequently. "Nice" is for when she is getting what she wants, or when she is trying to wash over what she's done...the rest is what she really thinks and believes she's entitled to (do). Which includes being violent towards you.

 

Be prepared. Her actions/words will escalate as she isn't getting what she wants. Be glad you live in another city. Be prepared for a suicide threat, lies about how YOU treated her, and threats to ruin your reputation with your family/friends, anything to elicit a reaction from you. She may even briefly admit to a problem, but will minimize, justify and explain with a series of "but" statements. Go NC (No Contact) all the way. ANY acknowledgement will only encourage her- even telling her she's not getting to you, will make her think she is getting to you. You will just have to ride it out until she gets tired of screaming into the air. Block her phone number, e-mail address everything. If possible, screen your calls so you don't even have to hang up on her.

 

I've seen this before (as too many have, I'm sure). It's truly mind-boggling how twisted the reality is for them

 

Hang in there, stay away from her. Trust us, you're saving yourself a LOT of grief in the long run.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks yeawutever, fantastic, and FarthestEdge for the advice.

 

I am sorry to say. I broke down and called her tonight. Told her I was confused. I stressed that the abuse is what prompted me to breakup with her. She said that any normal person would have reacted as she had because I "threatened her " I invaded her personal space when she asked me to leave in her own house. It's true, when she asked me to leave I entered her room and tried to sit on her bed, like I wasn't about to leave.

 

I've also gotten in her face a little, but no sign I would ever lay a finger on her. I don't even yell. I am trying to gather whether her biting and hitting is truly a normal reaction. Please be honest. If someone did that to you, would you slap them to get them out of your face? She swears I am the only one that gets this reaction out of her.

 

She is intent that her best friend (me) has set her up and back stabbed her over and over. I felt bad about that but I really don't think it is true or intentional. I often ask her what her meetings are about. She doesn't want to say. Than she gives me a snippet (like researching/spying on a person for another person) and I judge her for it. I just don't understand her morals sometimes.

 

She said all she wants is my support and love. That she would be happy with no $ and just us holding each other. I used to feel the same way. No money or object could bring that kind of happiness when I have my lady next to me. I've felt that way over and over with her until this last month.

 

I accused her of selling prescription drugs to people, as there has been some discussion of that. She told me she is by the book and none of that is illegal. Even went as far as saying "it isn't illegal to sell medicine I have a prescription for". Really I have no proof, but I'm left wondering.

 

She blamed all this drama, on baggage that I bring to the relationship. I was cheated on and was a little untrusting at first. But I really don't think it is fair for her to say that over and over. I cried and cried. I shared my feelings with her. She said she is still in love with me and I returned her feelings. But I told her we are not healthy for each other. I told her we both need help. She said she was open to that maybe. Said she wanted a clean canvas between us because I always come to her with pre-conceived notions.

 

Than she had to go to a "meeting". I asked her what it was about. She wouldn't tell me. It is her personal life now and won't share anything like that with me anymore. Uggghhh...it never changes.

 

Even though I make little headway and will probably feel like crap later for calling, I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in days. It felt great to get my feelings off my chest.

[yeawutever]

No that's not how sane, normal people react. They do not hit nor bite their partners nor any loved ones.

Do not even think it was your fault. Did you specifically said ''Go on, hit me now or bite me''? Off course you didn't so therefore, she brought upon herself.

[Lion-Guy]

I am embarrassed to say, but after I was hit several times I did say "fine hit me, hit me" and just stood there. She slapped me again. I wanted to see how much of a monster she would become. But that was only once after I recognized how crazy she had become and I knew it wouldn't hurt too much. I was heated at the moment. I don't know why I would egg her on after she had already hit me. I need help too.

[Lucius]

I think what disturbs me the most about this situation (and there's a lot that does) is that she keeps giving you these lame, textbook abuser excuses - designed to make you feel that you brought her violence upon yourself. I mean, who says that in this day and age? She's a cliche - the domestic abuser - with all the selfish, oblivious nuances soundly intact. And now you're becoming the cliched victim - doubting yourself, taking her back, taking on some part of the blame ... It's sad, Lion-Guy, and totally unnecessary. This girl is BAD NEWS.

[FarthestEdge]

I think what disturbs me the most about this situation (and there's a lot that does) is that she keeps giving you these lame, textbook abuser excuses - designed to make you feel that you brought her violence upon yourself. I mean, who says that in this day and age? She's a cliche - the domestic abuser - with all the selfish, oblivious nuances soundly intact. And now you're becoming the cliched victim - doubting yourself, taking her back, taking on some part of the blame ... It's sad, Lion-Guy, and totally unnecessary. This girl is BAD NEWS.

 

^^^

This.

 

Have more respect for yourself. The second you accept a single excuse, or rationalize her behaviour in any way, you say "I'm not worth being treated with respect"

 

She will continue to do what she does as long as it serves her and she faces little in terms of consequences. And when the consequences start coming, her behaviour will ESCALATE, because I suspect she will never accept that she is wrong- Oh she can acknowledge she shouldn't hit you, but it's YOUR fault because YOU drove her to it. She will not own it.

 

Seriously- get out before it gets worse- you live in another city- imagine if you were married to her, or had a child with her, and she knew it would be that much harder for you to leave. Go. Now. This is why people DATE, so they don't end up marrying/ having children with complete nutters like her. Women like that will destroy your life. I've watched it happen to a dear friend of mine. You don't want this.

 

Whatever she DOES bring to this dysfunctional relationship that you value, I assure you, there are many, many, many other women out there who can offer the same- WITHOUT the violence....

 

She's broken, you didn't break her, and she's not interested in getting fixed. WHY are you trying to look for reasons to salvage this?

[fantastic]

 

 

I've also gotten in her face a little, but no sign I would ever lay a finger on her. I don't even yell. I am trying to gather whether her biting and hitting is truly a normal reaction. Please be honest. If someone did that to you, would you slap them to get them out of your face?

 

Yes I flaming well would. As soon as she layed a finger in me I'd have punched her in the jaw, left and never looked back.

 

Maybe that's just me, but as soon as someone puts their fingers on me, I have a right to retaliate, and I don't care what the law says.

 

And before anyone says I'm not a gentlemen or I'm a woman beater, well I don't care to be honest. I'm not sexist, I don't discriminate against the sexes when violence is inflicted upon me.

 

As for this woman, she seems like a nightmare. Why can't you get a normal women? Because this woman isn't normal. Chances are, one day you will retaliate, and you'll be the one arrested for domestic violence.

[oldenoughtoknow]

She's clearly panicking. Her mouse on a string has run away. Her peasant is revolting. She's grasping at straws, going from angry, to loving, to remorseful, trying to find the right angle to get you back under her control.

 

But you get it now. The spell is broken. Keep your new found power and don't contact her again. Get on with your new, happy life.

[yeawutever]

Yes I flaming well would. As soon as she layed a finger in me I'd have punched her in the jaw, left and never looked back.

 

Maybe that's just me, but as soon as someone puts their fingers on me, I have a right to retaliate, and I don't care what the law says.

 

And before anyone says I'm not a gentlemen or I'm a woman beater, well I don't care to be honest. I'm not sexist, I don't discriminate against the sexes when violence is inflicted upon me.

Ok if you want to ruin your future by having a record it's alright but you'll get less dates as a result if they find out what happened and many great paying job positions will not accept you. By the way, many of us do not like men with records. Deal-breaker.....

As for this woman, she seems like a nightmare. Why can't you get a normal women? Because this woman isn't normal. Chances are, one day you will retaliate, and you'll be the one arrested for domestic violence.

No she's not normal but the OP stated he already broke up with her and isn't taking her back. Yes sadly if he were to stay with her and retaliate one day then he's the one arrested. What's next is he ruined his record as well as reputation for a lifetime. As awful as the system is, they will be less likely to take his word that's why leaving ASAP is the best option... while retaliating should be used as last resort when it's an extremely threatening situation (ex: she has a knife and he has to punch her or restrained her in the process).

[fantastic]

Ok if you want to ruin your future by having a record it's alright but you'll get less dates as a result if they find out what happened and many great paying job positions will not accept you. By the way, many of us do not like men with records. Deal-breaker.....

 

I already have a record, but I wouldn't tell any woman I have one.