He's dissapeared again

[greywolf]

Im just rubbish at not contacting. I go into panic mode where I'll blow up his phone and will literally do anything just to know hes at least ALIVE.

 

I know what your saying, he is sweet in that when Im with him he does a lot for me...but I dont know what hes doing at all :S

 

Next time you feel like calling him, imagine him looking at his caller ID feeling all smug that he has the upper hand and taking pleasure in your pain. Then when he feels like he's done punishing you, he'll come back with flowers that cost him about 10 bucks, and you'll be waiting with arms wide open after having received his punishment.

[SapphireNoir10]

I even text him saying 'Why are you punishing me like this?'

 

He just doesnt seem like the type of guy you would have to be to do this...but he is.

 

It hurts so much

[SapphireNoir10]

I can't go through this again

 

How much is one person supposed to take? So much is going wrong at the moment.

[SapphireNoir10]

What would you guys do if you were me?

[HouseKitten]

Hi Blue,

 

I know exactly how you feel. My ex would behave in a similar way - he didn't disappear but if we had an argument he would withdraw and he wouldn't discuss it. Now when I get into a confrontation and I feel there's an issue, it makes me feel sick and I can't eat or sleep properly, exactly like you described. But he would draw the time before he would resolve it with me, even though I told him what it does to me.

 

Your boyfriend is doing the same thing, he knows how you feel but part of him, for some reason, feels he is correct to make you feel that way. Maybe he thinks he's punishing you for something, or this is a control thing. Whatever the reason, it's a game. It's a way of toying with your emotions and keeping you in check by incapacitating you. You said it yourself, you're sick with worry, this is haunting you - he now has all the power.

 

I would seriously consider if it's worth being with someone like this, even if he does get back in touch. The good times can be absolutely great, but I fell out of love with my ex eventually because everything was always on his terms and I got exhausted with not being fully considered in the relationship.

 

Like PsychGirly said - actions speak louder than words. It takes no effort to say sorry, it takes every effort to behave like a mature adult and stick to your promises. Which he's not doing. If I were you, I would use his sudden silence as an opportunity to start NC and withdraw from his life. You deserve much, much better.

[HeartGoesOn]

Blue

 

You're only playing right into his hands by constantly trying to call him, while he rejects you. He's enjoying this, while you're sitting there in misery, which shows his immaturity. Try to stop yourself from doing this, and as far as the long term, you need to do some serious thinking about whether this relationship is worth it.

 

Take care...

[annie24]

hey blue - i read somewhere, "people show you who they are everyday" and i think that is so true. He's hot and cold. one day he wants to marry you, the next day he won't even return a text!!! this man is not mature, is not ready for a relationship. and i think you need to recognize that you are dealing with a man who is all about himself, and not about you and your needs.

 

honestly, i would cut him loose. since you've already told him this bothers you, and he continues to do it, i would forget about him.

 

i guess there is that possibility that he is hurt or whatever, i don't know about your city, but in my city, an accident involving a 20-something man would be on the news in a heartbeat. so i know if i haven't seen anything on the news, it likely means that he's fine, and just avoiding you.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know I worry because I care. Which I shouldnt.

 

I know Im not perfect and I can be immature and nasty to him sometimes. BUt I can't take this constant dissapearing.

 

If he wants to end it why does he just say so?!!?

[riley123]

Hey Blue --

 

Sorry to hear that he's treating you like this...it's no way for a man to act. But I think that is the problem, he sounds very immature.

 

You have to ask yourself if you could deal with this behavior if you ended up marrying him...be honest. It will only get harder.

 

Give it some thought -- you deserve much better and you should never settle for anything less then absolute respect.

[greywolf]

I know I worry because I care. Which I shouldnt.

 

I know Im not perfect and I can be immature and nasty to him sometimes. BUt I can't take this constant dissapearing.

 

If he wants to end it why does he just say so?!!?

 

He doesn't want to end it. He likes being in a relationship where he can treat the other person like crap and she's still eating out of his hand. It makes him feel good about himself. He has no respect for you at all, and everytime you allow him to do this you are proving to him that you don't think you deserve respect.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know everything you guys are saying

 

But i feel sick and paralysed with hurt. Im panicking because I dont want to loose him...but it seems I dont have a choice.

 

How can he just disappear out of my life...almost like routinley once a week.

[SapphireNoir10]

He doesn't want to end it. He likes being in a relationship where he can treat the other person like crap and she's still eating out of his hand. It makes him feel good about himself. He has no respect for you at all, and everytime you allow him to do this you are proving to him that you don't think you deserve respect.

 

You are right

 

At the same time..everytime I wonder if hes going to disappear for good.

[karvala]

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I entirely share your sense of confusion. I can understand it happening during an argument; my gf used to do this, and it drove me mad, until I trained myself to switch off as much as possible and ignore it when it happens, and now she hardly ever does it. I can't understand why it would happen during a normal, pleasant conversation, though.

 

You are ABSOLUTELY SURE that his phone was still okay, and he was still okay, and it was a conscious choice of his to just cut you off like that, before you starting blowing up his phone? I'm guessing with his history you probably are, and I can understand that, but it makes so little sense it's hard not to look for an alternative explanation.

 

Anyway, if it's deliberate and part of a long pattern, then I'd have to sadly agree with the others; you can't keep going through this, and having him make empty promises that it won't happen again only to repeat it the next week. It's just torturing you. This time, you are in charge.

[SapphireNoir10]

The thing is if hes lost his phone or charger. He could easily access either a uni computer, a pay phone or a computer in a net cafe which hes done before.

 

His phone is on. It just rings out.

 

I just cant switch off its killing me

[karvala]

What would you guys do if you were me?

 

I would do what I did do in your situation (albeit without the mystery over why the disappearance happened this time, which I know adds to the stress): learn to disappear better. It's incredibly hard, I know; some people just seem to be able to put their SOs out of their minds for days at a time during an argument, while others of us worry almost constantly, but it IS something you can train yourself to do better, and think of this as an opportunity to start to practice. This is your chance, your one chance, to take back control from him and show him that you don't need him, that you won't always come running back. But first, you have to make that decision in your mind, and I mean really make it, that you will not contact him again first, no matter how long it goes on for, and even if it's forever. You can do it, but only if you really believe in it.

[karvala]

I just cant switch off its killing me

 

The uncertainty is killing you. Once you decide it's over, and start to look for ways to distract yourself and resolve the situation somewhat in your mind at least, or at least put it on hold in your mind, you will start to feel a little better. Not much, mind you, but anything would be an improvement over what you're feeling right now.

[greywolf]

The thing is if hes lost his phone or charger. He could easily access either a uni computer, a pay phone or a computer in a net cafe which hes done before.

 

His phone is on. It just rings out.

 

I just cant switch off its killing me

 

yes you can. He thinks you can't that's why he does it. Prove him wrong.

[SapphireNoir10]

Last time I did it took him a WEEK to get back to me...I had playing games...switching off phones. Eugh.

 

I know what your saying

 

But I cant end it properly because I've no way to tell him...and most of me doesnt want too....I just wish I knew WHY...

[Pois0n]

Sorry to say it this way.. but you were dating a 5 year old douchebag.. If you get married to this man.. what if one day he disappears and never comes back.. its happened to others and this is exactly the kind of personality it takes.. He has done it SO many times to you.. now its YOUR turn..

 

Give him a taste of his own medicine and you will love yourself for it.. Throw him out of your life for a few months so that this person can grow up and learn that it is NOT acceptable to treat another person this way!

 

By the way.. you dont TELL him.. just like he doesnt tell you.. just *poof* disappear!

[karvala]

Last time I did it took him a WEEK to get back to me...I had playing games...switching off phones. Eugh.

 

I know what your saying

 

But I cant end it properly because I've no way to tell him...and most of me doesnt want too....I just wish I knew WHY...

 

You don't need to tell him in order to end it properly; time will do that for you. When I broke up with my previous gf, she refused to talk about what had happened at all, or take my calls, even to let me know that she was okay. I told her we could work things out, but only if she contacted me within a week. She didn't, and that was that. She came back about two months later wanting to work things out, but my ship had completely sailed by that point, and I was no longer interested. The point is that it is possible to feel a sense of closure over time, without the final talk and verbal confirmation of a breakup. It's not an ideal way to do it by any means, but it can be done. You're a strong girl, I know, and I have every confidence that you can do it if you need to.

[SapphireNoir10]

I literally feel really out of it, terrified and afraid and sick and hurt. i've sent him loads of texts and called him loads...how do I get back from that? Just stop sending them from now etc? Go NC?

[greywolf]

I literally feel really out of it, terrified and afraid and sick and hurt. i've sent him loads of texts and called him loads...how do I get back from that? Just stop sending them from now etc? Go NC?

 

Go NC. Contacting him has obviously not worked.

[karvala]

I literally feel really out of it, terrified and afraid and sick and hurt. i've sent him loads of texts and called him loads...how do I get back from that? Just stop sending them from now etc? Go NC?

 

For now at least, yes. The damage that's done by those will quickly fade after a few days of no contact, and I would put a lot of money on him getting in touch with you after a short while, wondering where you are and what's happening, and why he's lost control of the situation. You need NC for now, though, to rebalance yourself and rebalance what's left of your relationship, and the only way you can achieve that is to convince yourself, as far as possible, that it's over and you need to let go. I know that awful feeling that you're experiencing now; the old abandonment issues kick in and you fight as hard as humanly possible to resist it and make sense of it, and it's absolutely terrifying because you literally don't know how you're going to cope with the pain. I do understand, and I wish you only peace at the moment.

[Pois0n]

He has been so disrespectful to you and does not even deserve a "talk" ..

 

Infact he deserves nothing less that you just disappearing and completely ignoring him for months.. how else will he know what that feels like?

 

When you keep responding to him and chasing him he thinks that his behaviour is justified and he will keep doing it.. You have to be the one to say "ENOUGH" and walk.. and just keep walking.. don't even turn back for him because he is not worth it!

 

Edit: Btw.. this would not be for revenge or to play his game.. this would be for your own self-respect and your own sanity!

[happylady]

Is it the challenge you love because I cant see what else there is? This seems silly to me cause you ask what would we do and after reading this whole thread I havent see anyone here say to stay with him or otherwise yet you keep asking. You are still very young and have alot to experience in love and what it truley entails. Learn to respect and love yourself before anyone else. By putting yourself through this you are truley hating yourself and it is tough to watch from an outsiders perspective.

 

I am a firm believer of action over words or materials. So if you do bad by me dont you dare only say sorry with no actions to follow cause that is what i will truley be watching and i will throw the flowers away if he think that will be the cure all. I would rather receive flowers when I am happy or else I will only think of why I was given the flowers in the first place.

 

Honestly, what I would do is take a vacation from him. Pretend he doesnt exist for a month. No more texts, dont answer the phone. Try to do things with your friends everyday and keep yourself uber busy. Im not going to lie this wont be easy and will bring about massive anxiety attacks but after the first month your brain will not be cloudy with infactuation and you will be more content with things.

 

I went through this awhile ago and the only thing that snapped me into reality was he pushed me too far and the anger motivated me to leave. You can stay until that happens but then you will be bitter for awhile. My advice is to leave now, suffer for a month or so then be the superstar you were meant to be!