A frustrating experience with a girl online

[Ariel85]

yeah, i agree. most of the time, men who were interested in me online wrote back in a nanosecond. at most, 3 days if they were out of town. but even then, many wrote to me from their business trips. so..... yeah.

 

 

Right. Let me further to Icarus - if a woman gives you her number, it's not because she wants you to wait a few weeks to call her. It's because she wants to hear from you NOW.

[grymoire]

Tinu,

 

Thanks for your beautiful reply.

 

That, right there. That is where all the confusion started. She initiates contact through that site, I get notification that she has expressed interest in me, I go to the site and see a message from her with her email id, I email her with my profile id, she responds back asking for my profile id, I say my profile id and mention that it was there in the email, and then.......... she cancels her interest

 

This is what got me confused. And that is why I asked her what happened. I have been rejected before but I did not chase the girl and ask why why.. In this specific case I asked because it was confusing. Many ppl here do not seem to understand this and have come to the conclusion that I have a chip on my shoulder and I also have low self-esteem and magically that girl figured it out In reality she does not even know what I look like and I doubt if she even read my profile because she does not seem to know my profile id.

 

Oh yea, I am also a very creepy person for asking her a question.

[grymoire]

Gry - how did she hurt you? You exchanged a few emails, never met, and had no investment.

 

I think it's healthy with OLD to NOT get so worked up so soon. If you are hurt because someone has lost interest at stage one of the process, then perhaps this isn't the right forum for your dating life. OLD takes a thick skin.

 

I no longer have the energy to keep explaining and repeating over and over again. Sorry.

[dr_styles]

This probably isn't what people intended, but not many people here on eNA - who knows your side of the story - still don't pick up the distinction of confusion vs. self-esteem. So what are the odds she'll think it's the former as well with even less info? (still pretty rude/blunt though lol)

[jenny_mcs]

My take on the situation is that she took the first step and indicated her interest. Then, when you wrote back, you didn't say anything specific at all, just something generic like "Hit me up if you are interested..."

 

One- she already let you know she was interested. The ball was in your court as far as starting a real conversation with her.

 

Two-the phrase "hit me up" is best left to teenagers. If I was doing online dating and a man in his 30's used that phrase, I would definitely recoil.

[LAYAAN]

This is what got me confused. And that is why I asked her what happened. I have been rejected before but I did not chase the girl and ask why why.. In this specific case I asked because it was confusing. Many ppl here do not seem to understand this ahh... okay... got it... even I didn't understand/see it like this. and have come to the conclusion that I have a chip on my shoulder not about a chip on your shoulder here, but what I meant was once I get a "no" even if it was result of a technical difficulty or whatever, I don't go that route again. If it was your profile ID that she was confused about, she could email you back and ask for it or say she was confused, some decent reply, right? but she didn't. Instead she just chose to decline her interest, which we can't control. and I also have low self-esteem and magically that girl figured it out. I'm not saying that YOU have a low-self esteem. What I'm saying is that your actions are indicative of that. In reality she does not even know what I look like and I doubt if she even read my profile because she does not seem to know my profile id. Yes, the whole situation seems confusing. One piece doesn't fit another. Whatever it is, she doesn't want to go ahead with this. Leave it so you stay sane.

Oh yea, I am also a very creepy person for asking her a question. MY experience with those men who asked me a Q has been bad, so I tend to stay away from those who ask me Qs or answer back rudely. Not saying that YOU are a creepy person.

[LAYAAN]

In general what I've noticed is that there is a lack of good manners and politeness in online dating. I've had really bad experiences, men were very rude to me. It hurts, but I guess thats our hint to leave if they can't even send a decent response. I would guess that the whole time they were hiding behind a mask trying to attract us and now their interest is gone, their rude side comes up.

[grymoire]

Tinu, thanks a lot for trying to understand the situation and offering encouraging words.

[lady00]

I think she was a bit on the rude side. However, I also think that it was inappropriate to send another message after she had already replied. If she wanted to open up and give all of her reasons for losing interest in your profile, she would have in the first response. She just did not want to and that should have been the end of it. Getting another message from you probably annoyed her (it would bug many people, including myself). Not because there is anything wrong with curiosity, but because once a stranger politely declines to engage you further, it's time to back off. Even if you really want to understand their reasoning, they've made a decision to close off and you just have to let it go at that point.

 

Maybe the reason she replied the way that she did was because she did not have any concrete reason to lose interest in your profile. She may have really just gotten a vibe, a gut feeling. That does not mean you made any mistakes or did something wrong. It could easily just mean that someone else will have a good gut feeling and get a good vibe from your profile. My point is, it is impossible to tell from her response whether there is anything on your profile that you could improve on. Her emails can't really help you on that score.

[ay0_x]

Geez. I've been the girl in this situation before.

 

She was right about you not letting things go, because you then decided to make a thread about this issue, when it really wasn't very significant. The way you said "My username was in the subject title", was pedantic and made her feel like you're very iffy. Just relax.

[icarus27]

She didn't meet someone else, hon. She just said that because she was pissed at you for dropping the ball on calling her.

 

Wait just a second here, I take exception to that. Not replying to an email for 4-5 days is enough to nix someone? You're suggesting that there's no other man, so you think not getting an email within 4-5 days is justifiable reason to nix someone completely and for good?

 

What, I'm not allowed to be busy with my own life now? I'm not allowed to have a career / health / friends / other interests / other concerns?

 

Please don't be ridiculous.

[icarus27]

Right. Let me further to Icarus - if a woman gives you her number, it's not because she wants you to wait a few weeks to call her. It's because she wants to hear from you NOW.

 

>Originally Posted by annie24

yeah, i agree. most of the time, men who were interested in me online wrote back in a nanosecond. at most, 3 days if they were out of town. but even then, many wrote to me from their business trips. so..... yeah.

 

Ariel, Annie, I guess you didn't read this part of my response (see earlier in the thread)

 

After I started to get more of a thicker skin in OLD, the effect in me was to make me more blase when I receive an email from a girl. Especially in Asian OLD. When the girl writes nothing specific from my profile, it's a safe bet to assume that she wrote the "Hi, your profile's great" BS to 19 other guys. Of course, the game being what it is, 3 of those 19 will respond within 1 hour, so I have effectively lost out on the game there.

 

Honestly, what the heck. There are always going to be times when my offline life takes priority over my online one, so forget these idiots.

 

I have better things to do than sitting around waiting for emails so that I can reply within one nanosecond.

 

Can I suggest that it's a bit counterproductive when the thread encourages the OP (and others like him) to develop a solid sense of self-esteem and his own life, and then some people come on saying men should wait around for crumbs of interest from women, real or imagined.

[grymoire]

Also keep in mind icarus, if you do respond in nano-seconds or NOW they are most likely to think "wow.. he is so clingy.. he has no life.. i send him an email and there is an instant response.. yikes" and reject you

[Ammy]

I think that if a girl gives you her number, you should TRY and respond within a day or so. I personally find it rude if guys are too slow replying, it makes me wonder whether they're playing those stupid games of waiting or whether I'm just not what they're really looking for if they're willing to wait too long to reply.

 

That said, I won't usually ditch a guy for that reason... I give people a chance, because online communication or lack of, can have a myriad of reasons attached to any one behaviour, so I try not to judge early.

 

Gry, as for replying quickly being seen as needy. I don't see it that way.. and many other girls wouldn't... the ones who would are probably not worth your effort.

 

If I get an email and I'm online at that moment, I will usually reply then, not worry about the time-frame between when I received it ansd when I SHOULD reply... if I like a guy and he responds within a second of my sending him a message than I'm HYPED!

 

Ammy

[Ms Darcy]

You lost her at the profile id thing. Instead of simply supplying it again you made her look like an idiot. I actually think this is a good personality test. She could tell you have a chip on your shoulder.

 

I agree with this. That was my first reaction to your email.

[icarus27]

Also keep in mind icarus, if you do respond in nano-seconds or NOW they are most likely to think "wow.. he is so clingy.. he has no life.. i send him an email and there is an instant response.. yikes" and reject you

 

Exactly. You're damned if you reply quickly, and damned if you don't reply quickly.

 

I think that if a girl gives you her number, you should TRY and respond within a day or so. I personally find it rude if guys are too slow replying, it makes me wonder whether they're playing those stupid games of waiting or whether I'm just not what they're really looking for if they're willing to wait too long to reply.

 

That said, I won't usually ditch a guy for that reason... I give people a chance, because online communication or lack of, can have a myriad of reasons attached to any one behaviour, so I try not to judge early.

 

Gry, as for replying quickly being seen as needy. I don't see it that way.. and many other girls wouldn't... the ones who would are probably not worth your effort.

 

If I get an email and I'm online at that moment, I will usually reply then, not worry about the time-frame between when I received it ansd when I SHOULD reply... if I like a guy and he responds within a second of my sending him a message than I'm HYPED!

 

Ammy

 

Ammy, I know every girl's reaction will be different.

 

You have the patience to give people the benefit of the doubt, as do I. That's why I expect a little slack in return.

[Batya33]

Gry, I hated getting those emails asking me to dissect a stranger's profile just because for whatever reason I decided not to pursue the match - even if I was the one who wrote first. It was also a safety issue - I didn't know who I was writing to so I didn't want to unintentionally antagonize anyone. You need to stop this focus on etiquette and the extremes to which you take it. Until you meet in person a few times, there is no obligation to respond to an email, a call, etc. unless there are specific plans to meet in person and then the only obligation is to call in advance if you need to cancel, delay or postpone. If you insist on this level of focus then meeting women through on line is not for you (and neither is any manner in which you simply exchange numbers with a stranger).

[annie24]

i do agree with batya. there are many guys i stopped responding to, for whatever reason, sometimes because of something they said or wrote in their profile. maybe some other girl wouldn't mind, but it's something that bothered me, and ultimately, comes down to incompatibility.

[icarus27]

Originally Posted by waveseer

You lost her at the profile id thing. Instead of simply supplying it again you made her look like an idiot. I actually think this is a good personality test. She could tell you have a chip on your shoulder.

 

I agree with this. That was my first reaction to your email.

 

Waveseer, Ms Darcy, am I the only one looking round wondering if everyone's lost their sense of perspective?

 

Have you gone back and read what Grymoire wrote? Look I know us Brits are meant to be all good manners and s**t, but surely the rest of the world has not gone to hell?

 

If there was a real life equivalent of this exchange in a crowded bar, it would go something like this.

 

......

Girl: What's your name?

 

Boy: My name's Gry.

 

Girl: What's your name again?

 

Boy: Oh, you didn't get that? I said, my name's Gry.

 

Girl: I'm sorry I really don't think we're compatible. The fact that you raised your voice to introduce yourself in a crowded bar clearly means that if the two of us were married, you would be difficult to live with. And to be honest, when I asked you your name, it was a deadly accurate personality test and it clearly showed that you have a chip on your shoulder.

....

 

Listen, the point seems to be that some people have a belief that it's everyone's and especially a woman's right to 'turn on a dime', change her mind like she changes panties, and then produce some hokum excuse after it's happened to justify it. Like she had a sixth sense, she had extra-sensory psychic perceptions that made her sense the man had a chip on his shoulder.

 

You people crack me up.

[waveseer]

I disagree. She had more to go on than an "I said". He found it necessary to point out where he said it as if she was incapable of reading the written word properly. She simply missed it and he made it a point to prove her wrong.

[grymoire]

Have you gone back and read what Grymoire wrote? Look I know us Brits are meant to be all good manners and s**t, but surely the rest of the world has not gone to hell?

 

If there was a real life equivalent of this exchange in a crowded bar, it would go something like this.

 

......

Girl: What's your name?

 

Boy: My name's Gry.

 

Girl: What's your name again?

 

Boy: Oh, you didn't get that? I said, my name's Gry.

 

Girl: I'm sorry I really don't think we're compatible. The fact that you raised your voice to introduce yourself in a crowded bar clearly means that if the two of us were married, you would be difficult to live with. And to be honest, when I asked you your name, it was a deadly accurate personality test and it clearly showed that you have a chip on your shoulder.

....

 

Thank you so much icarus. You understood exactly what happened.

 

I have been repeating again and again that I have been rejected in the past but did not ask the girl why. And that in this specific case it was confusing and hence I asked that question. But lot of ppl did not seem to get it at all.

[lady00]

Listen, the point seems to be that some people have a belief that it's everyone's and especially a woman's right to 'turn on a dime', change her mind like she changes panties, and then produce some hokum excuse after it's happened to justify it. Like she had a sixth sense, she had extra-sensory psychic perceptions that made her sense the man had a chip on his shoulder.

 

You people crack me up.

 

I don't see how this discussion of having a right to change one's mind fits in here. Of course it's anyone's right to change their mind whenever they want to whether they barely know someone or have been dating for years. Their reasons don't need to make sense to anyone else. And their reason may just be a gut feeling. Doesn't mean that gut feeling is correct or justified (although it certainly may have been...we have not seen Gry's profile and have no idea what went on in her mind when she read it or what she thought when she read his messages). But it's their choice. While we might sit back and say "hmm..that was an odd choice to make," that person still has every right to make it. And maybe if we were privy to what she was really thinking, then it may be obvious why she made her choice. But we aren't privy to it, so we can only speculate.

 

I think the "gut feeling" explanation is perfectly legitimate and I also think that she did not need to give (or have) any explanation at all to decide that she no longer wanted to pursue things. It does not mean that Grymoire did anything wrong. It just means something in her gut told her it was a no-go.

[grymoire]

I disagree. She had more to go on than an "I said". He found it necessary to point out where he said it as if she was incapable of reading the written word properly. She simply missed it and he made it a point to prove her wrong.

 

This is exactly what I said, along with the smiley:

 

Actually my profile id is XYZ (i have mentioned it in the subject line of the email)

 

If that is interpreted as me trying to prove her wrong or i have a chip on my shoulder then so be it. I deserve some other girl that has more sense than this.

[lady00]

 

I have been repeating again and again that I have been rejected in the past but did not ask the girl why. And that in this specific case it was confusing and hence I asked that question. But lot of ppl did not seem to get it at all.

 

I don't think anyone on this thread "doesn't get" that you were curious as to why this woman rejected you. Or at least I don't see anything in this thread to suggest that. I think people are simply speculating as to why she gave you the responses she did. Doesn't mean people here do not understand why you asked or what you were hoping to get out of asking.

[lady00]

Did she see your picture at any point?