The STD question

[HighRoad]

Ok, I have another question for the forum.

 

What if you are dating and you would like to have sex with someone, how long/when do you bring up the 'STD' issue? As in, do you have one or do I have one? And, if you never have the talk and someone catches something - whose 'fault' is that? The person who didn't tell or the person who didn't ask?

 

How have people approached this issue? I don't think that having herpes, etc is a deal breaker since so many people have it. But what about the conversation around it? and, I know people who have taken medication but never said anything to their partner/s, who then never got it. Thoughts, comments? On the one hand I can see how people might not want to disclose, in case a prospective partner runs away - ack! but on the other hand, we should also all be asking, and so if someone doesn't ask - are they then responsible for whatever mess they find themselves in?

 

Just wondering what people thought.

[waveseer]

It is imperative to trust your prospective partner and discuss all of the issues surrounding the potential consequences of having sex. Seriously, what happens if she gets pregnant? What form of birth control? What std's are or have been present? When was the last full test? When was the last partner?

[Scorpion Fury]

herpes is not a dealbreaker?

 

Just ask when the last time they got tested was, and it's never a bad idea to get tested first before you start sleeping together, both of you. If you don't ask and have unproteted sex with someone and catch something, your fault every time.

[ghost69]

i usually ask after.

[lostandhurt]

No matter the answer I think condoms are a must. Anyone can lie about anything. You are resonsible for your body and what you do with it. An untreatable STD is a big issue for some and others can see the person not the std. Even if you are planning on using a condom you should still talk about this. It is a tough one to get started but you can do it. Just don't try this talk when you both are all worked up and ready to go!

 

Lost

[uofagirl]

If you are about to go that far with somoene (sex) then I don't think there is any problem asking about STD's.

 

Oh and herpes would be a TOTAL deal breaker for me. Yeah, sorry, but no. I don't think that "just because alot of people have it these days" is a good reason to overlook that sort of thing.

[pinkrobot]

herpes is not a dealbreaker?

 

 

For some people, no. Otherwise, everyone with herpes would be doomed to stay single the rest of their lives.

 

Anyway, I usually make sure and use protection at first to avoid the awkwardness of a convo about it, and then ask later if things progress to the point where we might end up doing things without protection.

[Scorpion Fury]

For some people, no. Otherwise, everyone with herpes would be doomed to stay single the rest of their lives.

 

Anyway, I usually make sure and use protection at first to avoid the awkwardness of a convo about it, and then ask later if things progress to the point where we might end up doing things without protection.

 

I'm making a poll.

[rosephase]

I try to be very open with my status. Being in a polyamorous relationship I fully disclose my STD status and my partner's before I sleep with someone new, I expect them to do the same and get tested if they haven't been tested in the past 4 months or so. I try to get tested 3 times a year and encourage my partners to do so as well.

 

When people are open to poly or are poly I think they get used to having the conversation and that makes it less scary.

 

I test positive for HSV 1 but have never had an outbreak, but still I try to tell people that before I kiss them or even share Chap Stick. I think the more we talk about it, the less fear we have about it, the better we will be at preventing STDs from spreading as well as people having horrible shame associated with sex.

[itsallgrand]

No matter the answer I think condoms are a must. Anyone can lie about anything. You are resonsible for your body and what you do with it. An untreatable STD is a big issue for some and others can see the person not the std. Even if you are planning on using a condom you should still talk about this. It is a tough one to get started but you can do it. Just don't try this talk when you both are all worked up and ready to go!

 

Lost

 

I totally agree with Lost, and that's what I do.

 

I just ask about it upfront during a somewhat natural segway in a conversation when we are relaxed and talking along those lines (what we want, sex and our views of it, that kind of thing).

 

I had this convo fairly recently and it's a whole lot easier when you really like a person AND see something of a relationship down the road building than with someone you look at as a potential fling. lol. Sounds bad maybe, but it's true - it's a lot more tempting to not even bother if you are just sort of wanting a fun romp with almost no expectations.

 

Meh, it's not a big deal once you get the ball rolling on talking about those things.

[widower54]

wow! thanks for the topic, i've only had 2 sex partners in 28 years and am starting to date again..........

 

whew i hadn't even thought about those nasty critters.

 

i look forward to reading thoughts on the topic.

[HighRoad]

Wow, those are fast responses.

 

Ok, so I do know quite a few women who have herpes and they are married, single or in relationships. All kinds of statuses. So, if I know alot of women who have it I assume I also know alot of men - but they have maybe just never told me. I am a woman and so, understandably, most of my friends are women.

 

I don't think herpes should be a dealbreaker; if that were the case then alot of solid marriages/relationships I know would have to break up.

 

It's weird having the 'discussion,' especially when it might be a casual situation. Just another reason that sex can be such a big, big deal in relationship. It's ridiculous to think that you can only be with people who don't have something. Turn it around, wouldn't you want to be eligible for a relationship even if you had an STD? It's not fair to say - I only want non-STD people; but if I had one then, yes I would still want people to accept me.

[rosephase]

Turn it around, wouldn't you want to be eligible for a relationship even if you had an STD? It's not fair to say - I only want non-STD people; but if I had one then, yes I would still want people to accept me.

 

Sex and life aren't fair.

 

People are allowed to make whatever choices they want to about there bodies and health. And I say that as someone who deeply feels that HSV is pretty much harmless in this day and age and that you are more likely to get it form someone who doesn't know they have it them someone who does.

 

I feel like we would be in a better world if people didn't have such a strong fear of HSV, but all I can do about it is be open and share my status and treat people fairly.

 

I feel that the fear of STDs is still strongly motivated by puritan views on sex. Somewhere deep down we still believe sex is dirty and wrong and the things you get from sex are so much worse then the things you get from going to work, going to school, breathing the air, driving cars and other things that can be dangerous to your health.

[amipushy]

Well someone having herpes IS a dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid. Who needs that for the rest of their lives? Not me.

 

I'm not saying that people who have it should be alone for the rest of their lives but they should tell the other person from the get go that they do have it so people can make an informed choice. And if they can't have a mature discussion about having herpes then they have no business really having sex at all.

 

Also, there is nothing wrong with two people having herpes getting together, in fact it makes utter sense to me that they should. I have seen it mentioned on an online profile( by a woman incidentally), and that to me is the right and mature thing to do and I respect that person for it.

 

If someone gave herpes to me who knew they had it before they slept with me, the relationship would end immediately but not because they gave it to me but because they were dishonest, untrustworthy liars and I dont need a person like that in my life either.

[Inquirer89]

Herpes would, sorry to say, be a deal breaker for me. When I'm dating somebody I feel that the STD talk should come up even just in casual conversation. I would want to know in the beginning if my boyfriend had an STD and would like to know his sexual history. I feel this should be a mutual conversation both parties are candid about it. I would also let them know that should it come to the point that we both want to have sex that we both would go and get tested together so that one or the other doesn't feel alienated or forced into having to get tested. I don't want to end up with a medical ailment that will stick with me the rest of my life, I feel nobody deserves to acquire something that could of been avoided by asking questions and going through the steps to avoid it.

[blondy]

It's a deal breaker for me, too. If you DONT have herpes, and contract it from someone who does, then your stuck with it. Forever. I always ask men what their status is before I sleep with them, and that we both get tested together. If they dont like it, tough sh*t. Its called being responsible and taking care of yourself. Period. Because at the end of the day, YOU are the one who has to suffer the consequences if you sleep with someone who has an STD. And if its not curable, you carry it with you the rest of your life. That isnt something to be taken lightly and it scares me how many people think it isnt a big deal.

[blondy]

I hate to break it to you but if someone finds out they have herpes or even worse, HIV.....anything you get from going to work, or school (which is a cold or flu at best) is a walk in the park compared to something your stuck with the rest of your life.

[pinkrobot]

I think it would be easy for every single one of us to say, "Herpes would be a dealbreaker for me, absolutely." But then there's that saying, "You can't help who you fall in love with."

 

One of my very good friends recently got married. She has herpes. When this issue was first discussed with her husband (when they were dating), he'd fallen in love with her so he couldn't just walk away from her just because of that.

 

So, if you go out on a first date and the other person comes out and says, "Hey, just so ya know, I have herpes," then of course it's a deal breaker and you could walk away. But if the STD conversation comes later, if you've dated for awhile and waited to become intimate--and this is the case a LOT of the time--you never know how the way you feel about someone could change your views on the whole herpes thing.

[Day_Walker]

I think that if you know you have an STI then you should inform the people that you are sleeping with of that fact. However if you are unaware you cannot place the blame anywhere.

[arcadefire]

To be cautious of your health, I think it is a good idea to get both tested. I didn't get my last ex tested... AND he was cheating on me, so after I dumped him I got tested asap. Let's just say I don't want to live through that again.

[Lonewing]

If something small like HSV is going to make you second guess your ability to commit to me, then you are a person I am better off without...

 

1) HSV deos not need sex to be transmitted. I've had it since 5-6 or so.

 

2) Just because I have it does not mean you will get it too. I was with my Ex for 2.5 years, we did it all sex-wise, she still does not have HSV I.

 

3) Hope you get the same taste of your medicine after you end up with something. Your odds of getting HSV or HPV in your lifetime are almost better than your odds of walking out the door and seeing a white car.

 

4) Yes, these things are forever. No, these things are not necessarily as horrendous as you might think. The worst part of my HSV is a cold sore on my lip roughly once a year, though this year is without, and that is only if I allow my body to get weak, either by not eating right, getting too much sun during the onset of the flu season, getting chapped lips, or any such combination of factors. Once passed, my body keeps the virus in check for another 8 months or so, perhaps longer.

[blondy]

I'm not talking about coldsores! I would never pass up a relationship with someone because of that...I get those too, more than half the population does. I'm talking about STD's - genital herpes, etc.

[blondy]

3) Hope you get the same taste of your medicine after you end up with something. Your odds of getting HSV or HPV in your lifetime are almost better than your odds of walking out the door and seeing a white car.

 

A taste of my own medicine after I end up with something? are you f-ing kidding me? because I actually protect myself and ask someone to get tested before we sleep together? I guess that means I 'deserve' to get something because I'm careful. lol

[riley123]

I'm not talking about coldsores! I would never pass up a relationship with someone because of that...I get those too, more than half the population does. I'm talking about STD's - genital herpes, etc.

 

HSV 1 can be transmitted to the genital region...so you have HSV 1 genitally...which is genital herpes.

 

Plus, I think it's estimated that 80% of adults in the US have a strain of the herpes virus. Chances are you know someone or have dated someone who has it, but doesn't know it.

[Batya33]

I didn't have sex unless he agreed to get tested and it had been at least 3 months since he had been active. And I used a condom every time. Since we usually had been dating at least 3 months or longer, and were exclusive and committed, I trusted the person.