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It's only been 8 days of no contact and I'm already hanging by a thread. I want to pick up my phone and call you, just to see what you're up to. Every text that I get I secretly hope that it's from you. I'm so distracted now a days, I can't keep up with my studies nor can i keep up with anything else. I miss you so much. I go to sleep at night wondering if you're laying in bed thinking about me as I am thinking about you. I wake up in the morning with no sense of guidance, no sense of hope....I'm pretty much a walking zombie without any thought process in my head other than the thought of you.

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OMG!! So happy!!

 

This will be the last post here, just won't need it anymore because I'm over it and just living again and movin on strong, having fun again!!

 

I'm glad how when I saw you in your Jeep with Amy and some dude, I just didn't care! I was thinkin bout fishing, NOT YOU!!

 

It really struck me this weekend how I accepted your crap treatment for 2 years and how after us being so serious for 5 years you just sort of vanished after I rejected your "friendship", I really see how I don't need this toxic BS you fed me so long.....

 

When I'm out on my date tonight, and oh yeah....been dating several girls, I won't think about you, not even once.....

 

Horse-faced Slagbeast.....

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I woke up this morning and if course as usual you were the first thing I thought about. I wanted to go for a run this morning but didn't have it in me to get out of bed. What are you doing to me?!? How can I possibly still love you after all the hurt you put me through? I need to get over this, I need to find a better way to adjust to life than throwing the towel in and giving up.

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i just want to break NC, because i feel like if i dont, you will forget about me. what have you been up to? how was your st pattys? thoughts run through my head, of you being drunk and taking some girl home. and your fundraiser the night before, you doing the same thing. i wish i could just turn my mind off. i wish i didnt dwell.

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I'm having such a difficult time today. It's only been 9days since the last time I spoke to you. I don't know what to do. Your smile and laughter runs accross my mind constantly. I miss you terribly. I wish i knew you were thinking about me too and that you're having just as hard as a time as I am. I wish you would just text me so I know that you miss me. sighhh.... why do i do this to myself. There's a reason why we're not together.

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You don't, never have and never will deserve me. You don't deserve someone who puts everything into a relationship. You're a terrible person for hurting someone who would have done anything for you. I'm lucky you dumped me and let me out before it was too late. I don't want to know you anymore. Goodbye.

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Is this how it's always going to be? Missing you so much that I can feel it hurting me? I know it won't because one day I'll get over you and I can't wait until that day arrives, I want to look at you and feel NOTHING. Can that day just come already?

 

I miss you baby, I really do. It's been a month and a half NC and it's getting easier, day by day. I sent you a message on tumblr in the start of February and you choose to reply three days ago, why? Why now? A month and half later? I haven't replied and I'm not going to, for me. I'm so sorry but I can't. You have no idea how much I want to tell you that I miss you and there's so many questions I want to ask but I know that I'll never get the right answer.

 

I miss you, I miss your smile, I miss your blue eyes, I miss your soft kisses, I miss you warm hands, I miss your tight hugs.

 

You cheated on me, you left me for him and yet I still love you, or I love the person you used to be. You destroyed me, changed my outlook on love and relationships.

Funny how the first girl I fell in love with, the first girl who made me feel like this, the first girl who promised she would never hurt me and never cheat me, did all of that. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you and nobody has ever hurt me the way you have.

 

You're part in my life is over, goodbye.

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Thought i'd drop you a line to see how it is in hell?! Enjoy your little bubble with him, I mean really enjoy it... for the meantime. I am completely over you, heck I don't know why i'm even writing this! You said to me a few months ago (because you didn't even have the courtesy to shut the hell up even after you broke my heart when you ran off with him), "it's not goodbye, just see you later" LOL I hope you stay out for good, I am better than you, and much better off without you and I will always have that upper hand =D

 

Oh and by the way, I had sex with a great girl last week who actually preformed in bed, unlike preforming CPR on a dead emotionless fish such as yourself later wh***!

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A,

I want you to know that no one has ever hurt me like you did. I won't ever mistake of falling in love again with anyone (the way I did with you), so at least this is a one time pain.

 

I want you to know that I never left you..ever. There was no one else I was seeing or was interested in seeing. i never emotionally, physically or spiritually cheated on you. I truly believed that once we had worked out whatever and gone through this phase, one love had wobbled but survived and grown stronger, that the rest of our lives would have been a "honeymoon period". I truly believed that.

 

My parents had come to meet you, I had realized I had been quite selfish, hurtful to you and had lashed out etc., and had really given myself that one time/period to be that way. I would never ever would have said or done anything to make you upset or hurt again. I just wanted a sign that you loved me more than your cult, that's all. i got insecure, i am human too.

 

You did hurt me in the deepest most terrible way anyone has ever hurt me. Not that it matters to you (or mattered to you then) but do you think it was right? You could have given me one chance, one chance when i needed it and was clearly making an effort from every single fiber of my being.

 

Having said this, I still love both who you are and who you are capable of being. I wish you the utmost of happiness and bliss from all my heart.

 

I wish I had been a better person from your perspective...so many things I said/did play back in my mind, in these flashbacks I have, full of regret. I remember the time you jumped in front of those hat paintings at the subway station and smiled. I wish I had taken better care of you, made you feel safer and happier than I did.

 

The good news is that people do heal..eventually. I have lost all my will, motivation, drive. I've always had confidence in myself, but now I've lost it. I'm old. All of last year was in a half awake daze. It sounds pathetic for a guy to be that way, but I'm weak when it comes to people I love. So I don't care if it's pathetic. I have come a long way and eventually I will heal to completely. It's been 14 months and even this morning, I had the most vivid of dreams about you and that's why I am writing this, but I will heal....

 

-H

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You left me when I was so depressed with my own life. You didn't stand by me when I had problems and you left me broken-hearted and lost. I thought and still think about committing suicide because it is hard for me to live here and constantly be reminded that you don't care about me anymore. I gave you all of my love and time and you just threw it away. I'm all alone. I can never hang out with you again and laugh with you. I can't come up behind you and put my arms around you. I had no idea you were so unhappy. I tried to make you happy when you were in a bad mood. I didn't think much of it, but little did I know you were considering ending it with me. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you.

 

But guess what, I already have guys interested in me. The very day I turned my relationship status to single, a guy asked me out on a date. And here you are, creeping on girls that never will like you. Good luck with that. And maybe they will date you, but then they'll see the side of you I had to deal with on a daily basis. Or maybe they won't. You'll always be sweet to them because they're good enough for you. They're successful. I'm stupid.

 

And I know your sister is probably trash-talking me and comforting you. Making you feel like you made the best decision, because I was such a loser. Well, cheers to you guys. You sure know how to make me feel special after all I did for you two. I was always nice and caring, and what did I get in return? Disrespect. Being made fun of because I was having problems in my life. The SAME problems you had that I did NOT care about. I supported you through everything without hesitation or anything. I loved you and I just wanted you to be happy.

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oh my god that was so awkward.

 

I mean, I texted you for tech support which was dumb, I should have just texted J, that was stupid. Your phones been weird so you called me to try to help. Everything you suggested I had already tried because guess what! I'm not a moron! Wow, talk about a veil being lifted. I use to think you were so intelligent, so much smarter than me, but you're really not at all. Maybe it was my self esteem or how much your boisterous personality overshadowed mine, but I used to think you were so much better than I was.

 

You were so...official, and short, and you could definitely not wait to get off the phone. Your voice sounded so different from how I remember! You just sounded like a *****. I don't know why you even bothered to call, we could have gotten on gchat. Aso you called me dude. That was just weird.

 

I regret picking up. You couldn't figure out how to politely say you had to go, so I said a hurried "Byehaveagodnight" and hung up, and now I feel shaky, but oddly ok. Your voice didn't make me miss you. It just made me want to hang up. That's a good sign.

 

 

Never again.

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My dreams torture me....can't even have any peace when I'm asleep. Last night I dreamed I was weirdly with you except your new girl was with you too. And it was weird. I woke up nauseous. I don't know why I would dream that...I'm pretty sure I'm losing it lately. I still feel like an insane idiot for contacting you over a week ago. Finding out you had someone new cut me, lesson learned. I will never snoop on you again online because I don't want to know. I feel I made an idiot of myself, pretty much did. Don't remember what I said to you or even did, thank anxiety meds! I'm sure you think I'm 10 degrees of nuts, can't say I blame you. If you would have did that to me I would have pretty much through you were crazy. Though I don't even know what I said to you, I think that's prob making it worse. On my top 5 most embarrassing list. I feel like damn fool. Gonna take a long time for me to get over the embarassment of this. I blocked you from every possible way of communication, not like you ever will after this. Wouldn't be surprised if you got a restraining order lol. But your blocked on FB so i can NEVER spy on you again, blocked on Imessanger on my ipod and changed my phone number- this way your mom will finally leave me alone too. Even blocked your email just incase. I kind of just want to forget I know you so I can let this embarrassment go. Well maybe this had to happen because I definitely don't even want to see you again that's how embarrassed I am so that may be a plus that came from this.

 

I feel crazy. I really do. I just chopped a bunch of my hair off. Thought a change would do me some good, remains to be seen. Haven't had my hair this short since I was 17. I feel like I'm losing it. I listened to I dreamed a dream yesterday on repeat and I think it actually made me feel WORSE. Not the best song to listen to when your in a depression....oh man gotta get over this!

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I've not heard from you in days, I've deliberately not contacted you either, I've been on a forum where everybody has been supportive, they have shown me more respect than you ever did. I hope that these days are as painful for you as they are for me and I hope one day you realise what you out me through. I'm trying not to hate you, in fact I don't, but I am trying to forget you. When I get back to the office next week I'm not sure how I'm going to react but I think it would be wise for you to stay out of my way, I would never physically hurt you, you know that already, but with all this pain in my heart I may say something in the heat of the moment. I hope that you're truly miserable with the new guy and that he does to you what you've done to me, you truly did break my heart. Never again will I let myself be so mugged off by someone like you, the next person I let in will want me for me, not for what she can get. Don't try and pretend that you spent time trying to resolve our issues because you didn't, not in a meaningful way. Oh and another thing, you didn't put as much into us as you say you did, if you had we could've worked. I saw a post on the forum I mentioned and it said "I can't be friends with you because friends don't treat each other like this" I hope that when I do see you for the first time I have the strength to keep composed and not lose my dignity, I did nothing but love, care and provide for you. Anyway, I don't wish you any harm, but I hope that at some point you feel a smidgen of the pain I did, maybe this will make you realise that you can't do it to someone else because they may not be as strong as me and you could have blood o. Your hands.

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I unblocked you on fb. I just didn't feel like I needed it anymore. Thought you had me blocked as well, so I was surprised when I went to my tagged pictures and I saw the one's you tagged of me before we broke up. Obviously the only picture you had of only me and you is gone, but I just thought you would at least remove the tag from the other ones, even if you didn't remove them because other people were there.

I don't know if you already noticed this. But I was glad I didn't really feel anything when unblocking you. It didn't set me back even a little bit. I still love you but I guess I fully accept that we're no longer together and we will never even speak to each other again. Some things, in spite of everything, are meant to be over.

 

And it's comforting to know that you still think of me, the same way I think of you. In spite of everything, of saying that other things were more important to you than our relationship, that you knew there was love between us but the connecting was gone because of what you did, you still think of me. In spite of being in a country that you love, learning a new language, meeting new people, new women, travelling around, you still find the time to check on my tumblr everyday. And it's quite funny, because you usually visit it numerous times when I'm asleep because of the time difference.

 

I'm relieved we don't talk, because I'm sure I would go there in a heart beat if you promised to get help, to go to a therapist. If you really wanted to change and acted on it. Because what I feel for you is really magical and beautiful. But unless you accept that you really have a problem I can never look back.

 

I miss your body and your company and our dance and the names we called each other.

 

The only thing that can really devastate someone is the death of a loved one. I already experienced it with my father. I'm so glad you are alive and well and having fun. I accept we're not together anymore.

 

I love you.

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You would rather go to school and get a job than be my boyfriend. Why can't I be your girlfriend while you do this?

 

Do you feel emasculated for not having that part of your life in check? I was there for you when you when you hit your rock bottom. No job, no school, no permanent home.

 

I saw you at your worst, so why do you push me away now? You were always so kind to me, and I to you. I don't understand what you're doing, but I will disconnect my phone and deactivate facebook for a while tomorrow. Just to know you have my phone number is a constant reminder that you could call as a friend..and if you do, then I"m back to feeling hopeful for something that won't happen -- a romantic relationship.

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I wonder how you are and what you're doing.

I wish there were words to describe how much I miss you.

 

I just want to say that no matter what, even though you broke my heart, I hope you're happy, even if it's with him.

 

Because when you love someone, you just want them to be happy..

 

I love you so much.

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You're a ****ing coward who doesn't give a ****ing **** about what she's done!

 

You've hurt me, broke me, torn me apart, put me through hell and back yet you're the one who gets to be happy whilst I'm left alone? Picking up the pieces?

 

You don't ****ing care. I honestly do wish you well, but I seriously hope one day you feel what I felt, my heart breaking. You understand the pain I went through.

Karma will get you.

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