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btw

 

why would you enjoy something so well and then leave it be?

 

am I supposed to discern that you enjoyed it less than you thought or hoped or that you leave me alone as a way of making sure it won't develop into anything?

 

why sabotage something you enjoy?

 

anyway it doesn't matter. you do wreck it each time you build it, so it's not for me. Maybe Abby really was who you wanted and you wish she could have accepted your kids.

 

btw

 

you seem to have an issue with women beginning with the letter A. something to think about. ann? abby? huh.

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My journey... (Condensed )

 

We were high school sweethearts. We fell in love... You told me I was your soul mate. We were young and so much in love... We were married and it was one of the happiest days of my life. We didn't have a dime to our name but we were so much in love. I went to college to be an engineer, got achievement scholarships, attended full time, held part time jobs... Times were tough but we were in love and made it through. You told me how you grew up poor, went winters with little food and heat. How your father left you... I worked so hard to make sure that did not happen to you or our children. You stayed home to raise our children. You had a dream of a house in the country. We built a working farm from the ground up. We did all our own work. I worked full time as an engineer and to make your dreams come true with the farm, building barns, fences, electrical, produce, animals, constant work. We had multiple successful businesses on that farm... Always working... I loved doing it cuz it made you happy. It was something for you. I loved you so much and was willing to do it all for you so you and our children would not have to grow up like you did. I worked so hard... I was devoted and faithful. There was no time for us like there use to be. Intimacy faded over time. Too busy with life, kids, businesses and dreams to worry about it. It was last in our priority list. We knew it but did nothing about it. I thought love, devotion and being the best to provide a world where you could flourish, be safe, happy and pursue your dreams would be enough. It wasn't...

 

You told me you loved me but were not in love with me. You told me you should have just had an affair on me. Told me I neglected and ignored you. You told me I was blind. You wanted a divorce. I begged, tried to reason with you and it just pushed you further away. I told you I loved you and to give me a chance to prove it and to not throw it all away. You said I had my chance. I was devastated. Our divorce happened in a month. Everything we had built, everything we had worked so hard for was gone. I was still in love with you but you were not. After everything we had been through, all our hopes and dreams that we built together. This family, quality of life... Was it not worth a chance? Did I mean that little to you? I was so hurt and devastated. Through our divorce, you said you wanted to still live together, do family things once in a while and just be friends. That was the cruelest thing you could have done. We tried living together. You used it as an opportunity to fight. Bringing up anything to slam me about from our past 23 years together. At the same time you would tell me about how other men would hit on you, ask you on dates and you would comment on other men. Why would you do this to me? I told you that you had to move out. You were angry. More fighting but I could not take this any more. The first 6 months I barely slept. I missed you so much... The constant heaviness in my chest... My stomach in knots. Was unbearable. You struggled to make it. You cried out for help, needed more money. I provided it, even if I did not have it to give. I was ruined financially but wanted you back. The more I gave, the more you wanted. When I decided I could not do it anymore, you got angry. Belittled me. Reminded me that this divorce was my fault and that I was in my situation because of me. That I owed it to you cuz of how I treated you... Neglected you. I hate you for giving up. We were fighters and have endured so much to have given up so easy. I hate you but still love and miss you even after all of this. Time heals. The pain fades. It now comes in shorter waves less frequently. I no longer have that constant dull pain in my chest. I need to move on. Stop contacting me. Stop telling me its all my fault and how I've hurt you. It still hurts but I'm able to think more clearly now. I'm not blind like I use to be. Ive been out doing the things i use to enjoy as well as trying things I never thought I would. I have broken my oneness with you. I can deflect the things you say to me. I have gained a renewed confidence in myself and have started noticing other woman again for the first time in over 23 years. I look and feel great. Other woman are complimenting me. Saying the things we use to say to one another. I now recognize when woman flirt with me. I was blind to this in the past. You tell me all the great things you're doing with your life. There are so many really great and interesting single woman out there. You are not the only one. I don't know that i believe in soul mates anymore. I've been dating. Meeting fun and interesting woman. We go dancing, to concerts, theatre, cycling, skiing and all the things we could have been doing. We also talk. Talk open and honestly. The way we use to. When there was nothing to lose but everything to gain. I will always love you but now I can move on without you. I feel so free and liberated. I am in control. I am not responsible for you or your happiness. I only look to my past with you to learn. Learn what worked and didn't work. I am grateful for my experiences. I don't need someone else in my life but when I fall in love again I will be ready.

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Jeffbobo.....

 

Sorry you're here man, I had similar time with my ex wife, she bailed after 25 years together back in 2007, so I can def relate to your pain....

 

Theres alot of good advice here, read alot and take it slow, it's really hard......but will get better.

 

Peace to you...

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Hmm, I wonder what you're up to? No actually, I don't care. What I do wonder is whether or not you're starting to realise your mistake. Whether or not you're thinking of me every now and then.

 

I'm thinking about you less and less these days but I would be lying if I said there had been a day where I hadn't at least thought of you once. If I was in your shoes, I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself. What you did was so evil and out of character for the person I used to know. If it was me, I'd be torturing myself. I would be consumed by guilt at hurting someone so close to me, someone who would have done anything for me. Turning my back on that person because the opportunity came along to have a quick satisfaction with another person. No. I just couldn't, I have values and morals.

 

You, on the other hand, are just unscrupulous. You're fed all those (lying) compliments by your co-workers and friends and it has bloated your ego. You don't think you can do any wrong any more. Yesterday I remembered your sisters. They were so nice. I miss them. I miss talking and joking with them. you used to talk so badly about your older sister but when I finally got to speak to her she was so nice. Not a "fake" niceness like you and your friends; she was just open about things and was friendly. She wasn't afraid to tell you when you were wrong. Maybe that's why I got on with her so well and why you didn't. You hate hearing the truth.

 

The idea of a life without you, without any acknowledgment or contact from you, is one that makes me feel better. If you were to ever try to repair the trust I had for you, you would have to go far above and beyond anything you ever have. Let's be honest, you're not going to put that much effort in anything concerning me. I'll find someone who deserves me.

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

So funny last night when me and my new girl were leaving my house, and you drove by at the exact second I was opening the passenger side truck door to let her lithe, supple body slip into the seat you used to occupy? Hope it pissed you off good to see me with a hot blonde girl in tight jeans! Wasn't she sweet the way she kissed me when I was letting her in??

 

You had no reason to be on my street, so ya got what you deserved.....now you know I'm with someone new, someone gorgeous and sweet....she's my type, surf girl....

 

Ya know what? I dated her in college 30 years ago, and now she's back in my life, she's still as hot as back then, we have so much in common, and she makes love to me like an angel.....

 

When we got home last night we put on some Queens of The Stone Age, made a couple glasses of wine, and she made love to me for the next 3 hours then fell asleep in my huge bed you used to love, but you'll never lay in it again, I promise you!

 

Oh well, she even says "Your Loss"......

 

Thanks, you actually gave me a gift in the end...

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was it all really just the ADD talking ? now that I am getting treated with meds I find you have much less of a hold on me. I just have so much else to do. again, put, as I did genuinely enjoy our time together.

 

oh well. you didn't, or you did, who knows. doesn't matter. I've got somewhere to go while you wallow in your nowhere ville.

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I had a dream about you this morning. First one since I initiated NC.

 

In the dream, I called you, but the line was busy. The third time, you picked up. Didn't think you would.

You sounded very depressed, and said you were ashamed that you kept away from your phone. No calling [me] or picking up. You go through phases where you do that to everyone, but I think it hurts you a bit more maybe that you do it/did it to me.

 

The topic of kids came up. You said, while still, depressed sounding, slurry speech, that you wanted kids, and I said I probably don't.

 

I don't remember much else. You seemed, even in your depressed state, determined to have them.

 

Makes me sad that I can't make you happy in that way. Kids are a huge responsibility..I have a hard enough time managing myself.

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You and me become a good friend now? it seems that we both enjoy it... as I start see R last 4 weeks, the thought of you have start diminish everyday now and then, R makes felt have future, and he is shy and sweet, which I like... never thought I will date a Asian guy, but it is happening; I don't mind, he has sprite and he have soul, he really get me...

 

Life is mystery, I don't where will lead me to, but I like this feeling... I do!

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So... I'm supposed to find peace in the fact that a. you are never going to dare to be confronted with my side of the story and my feelings and.. me in general and b. I acted like a big borderliner. I understand my own reaction and I understand yours. But still I am really angry and dissapointed at the both of us.

But atleast I gave you a chance to work things out without getting back together. Just to be ok with eachother in the future.

You gave me no answer which is the most clear answer ever.

It is going to hurt to see you again in that bar but I shouldn't avoid it. I shouldn't avoid you. Because I don't want to be like you.

What happened to that beautiful man I thought I knew.. What happened to you? Do you really don't care at all or do you care too much?

 

It is really tough to let go. To forgive. I want to. I really do. But it just .. gets stuck in my head. All these questions I have for you so now I'm posting it here:

 

Am I really thát terrible that you can not even reply to such a heartfelt message ?

Are you really not bothered at all?

Why didn't you let me speak to you?

Why the hll did you postpone it till a week later?

Like my feelings are something to postpone till it fits you?!

Why can't we just talk about it?

Why can't we just come to an understanding towards eachother and just move on?

What would you do if I broke this whole pretendtoignoreeachother thing?

Would you hurt me like I've tried to hurt you?

Were you even in love with me?

Why did you tried to avoid me meeting your friends that desperately?

Was I not alternative enough to meet your friends?

Because they are oh so metal and I'm not?

 

It all just doesn't make sense!!!

And I can not analyze it all!!!

I'm sure as hll trying but I'm going in circles.

I just want to let it go!

But it's just so me to try and put all the puzzle pieces back together.

But with you I just can't! Because you will not be open to me about your feelings and stuff.

But I just can't find peace with this!

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Just saw pictures from a facebook friend. Her boyfriend looks A LOT like you. It's not you, but this guy has your bone structure and the same smile. Wow, that made me miss you. They looked quite content and in love, and I love you. I never stopped. I just wonder what you are doing..my heart is thinking about you.

 

Tomorrow it will be one month since we last spoke (not counting a 1 minute phone conversation 3 weeks ago). The resistance to separation is getting stronger..the realness of NC is setting in.

 

Today I walked 10.5 k. You know why? To distract myself from thinking about you, and then it sets in how sad I feel about the situation. I don't really know what to do. I can write in my diary and here, watch TV shows, go for walks, talk to a couple close Facebook friends, I mean..I am a creative person. I cook, and I dance as well, you know this, but at the end of the day, I just get that sinking feeling.

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Dammit. I got so comfortable that I forgot about the game and sent you a Hey Whats doin? text.

 

I must be up too late. I know its not me, I have no internalized pain or weirdness like I used to. Its you. You are, I dont know, superbly manipulative I guess? I dont even know if I like you anymore. I cant even remember your race schedule, this is the first time when I asked myself - is your race this weekend? and I cant remember. I mean, I know you have told me several times. Its just me, saying to myself, really? Really? I mean, I know players, and they drag women home and make them dinner and all that. But love letters? gifts for the kids? hanging out on snow storm day? its just so weirdly friendly and comfortable. I just dont get it.

 

I really don't want to contact you at all, and of course, I do want an explanation.

 

And then I remember that an explanation doesn't matter, because I don't want you.

 

Whatevs dude. I hope my next guy is normal. At least I already know who he is, and he is hot. So, I got that upside going for me. Oh yeah, and he owns two houses and actually has a steady job and a group of long term friends.

 

Oh, was I being snarky? Forgive me.

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Keeping myself honest: This is what i sent tonight.

 

Remember when you noted that my tone with you had changed, because of the fb messaging bit? Well, your tone changed with me, rather abruptly.

 

Much as you were tempted to do with me, I am tempted to just not bother.

 

Its a pity, as it was fun to sense that we were beginning to trust one another. I do not wish to intrude nor waste my time trying to even be friends with you, if you are no longer interested. There is enough water under the bridge that I am willing to send up a flare before I bail.

 

What is up with you? Would you be more comfortable just checking in once a quarter, once a year, just being fb friends, something with a lot of space wrapped around it?

 

a

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Self pity post #119 (from me): Facebook hurts. Today I learnt my best friend from high school is pregnant, another is getting a poem published. It hurts. I'm not a failure. I'm going through a bad time. The little child inside of me says 'it's not fair', 'what is wrong with me?', 'why am I not special?', 'why am I left alone?', 'why did you not want to stay with me & give me a family?', 'what's wrong with me?', 'what's wrong with me?', 'I am as good as these people aren't I?'

 

It makes me cry.

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I've been really sad for the last couple of days. It's just so sad that we could end like this. It's so sad that you ****ed everything up. I would have done everything for you. I was ready to be with only you for the rest of my life. I knew you were the love of my life from the first kiss. And you ****ed up. You were so so weak. And I'm sad, because this should have been amazing.

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GO AWAY. Why do you have to contact me. I feel this adrenaline coursing through me as soon as I saw you messaged. **** off. Stop trying to remind me. Stop trying to bring me back to that stage. I'm better now. I don't need you, I don't WANT you. You're dead to me, you mean nothing to me. Stop it, just stop it.

 

Funny how seeing your name alone brings back all the feelings of humiliation, anger, sadness. You're so evil. I feel sick. I hate you. Just gotta breathe...calm down...

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Haha! Texted you a month ago that "one day you'd miss me"....

Well...that day came today when you found out about me and new girl goin to the keys house....

You asked me to come to you when i get back to "talk"....

 

Time for talking is done...sorry you waited so long, too long dear....

 

Sorry it hurt when i said no....

 

Now YOU figure out how and if you can win ME back!!!

 

 

Hurts like hell huh babe?

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I keep bouncing back and forth on this, but my hope currently is that I see you when I visit, so that I can look for parts of you that I dislike and ingrain them into my brain. I think to get the next stage of recovery I'm going to have to face you as my ex.

If i don't see you, hopefully creating new memories with good friends will help.

 

Yesterday I got into a huge fight with mum. I wanted to call you but what would that do?

 

I haven't checked your twitter in nearly a week.

It's helping.

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I keep bouncing back and forth on this, but my hope currently is that I see you when I visit, so that I can look for parts of you that I dislike and ingrain them into my brain. I think to get the next stage of recovery I'm going to have to face you as my ex.

If i don't see you, hopefully creating new memories with good friends will help.

 

Yesterday I got into a huge fight with mum. I wanted to call you but what would that do?

 

I haven't checked your twitter in nearly a week.

It's helping.

 

I can do anything I want. I don't have to bounce it off of a sig. other and have them (you) turn it down. You never wanted to travel with me. I can go anywhere and that freedom is so terrifying, but I'm grasping at it.

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So it's Friday night, feeling depressed. Me and my ex walked right past each other on campus today. I had been talking to another girl for a the past 3-4 days and she agreed to a date with me in a few weeks. She stopped texting me back last night though for no reason and hasn't replied to the past 3-4 texts since last night..so I'm guessing I should just give up on her. Figures.

 

I'm trying to stay positive but I can't. Nothing is going right in my life. Probably going to fail my pre-calculus course no matter how hard I study. Really have no reason to keep going.

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