stalumfi

Yeah right. The desperate freakish loner fools herself again.

I'm realising what this is about now - there is an issue involving a man and I switch into irrational anxiety and feeling that I need to placate and to fix. In fact, I just need to take a step back. He was interested, but I wasn't comfortable until I knew more about what kind of person he was. That's allowed. I didn't have to rush into anything just because time was short and others expected it. I will take this as it comes and as I am comfortable in doing. This is like when I first came to this site, and yet not like it, because I'm a small bit wiser now, and I know it's going to be fine.

Dear big sister, It was your anniversary yesterday. Not even our mother got to see you when you were born - they took you away and buried you in an unmarked grave in a certain plot. That was how they dd it back then. Often I go to the graveyard - thankfully it's a nice, peaceful place, and the babies are treated with respect - and wander around and wonder exactly where you are. It troubles me that you are neglected, but it's because our mother still feels the trauma and can't face the idea of locating the grave and putting a marker there just yet. She is coming around to it, though. I think it won't be long. Love you always. x

It's well over two years since you gave your dismissal. I saw it, but I couldn't even begin to process it for so long because it reawakened the trauma of having grown up with someone like you. Remember the last time I spoke with you, two friends of yours came to "rescue you" from me even though you had been the one to speak with me? You must have told them I was pestering you (an easy lie to believe about the socially awkward loner, naturally). The very thing I was so paranoid about doing. You wanted an effective way of eliminating the traces of me from your life, and of course insulting me enough that I would leave you alone, because of course at that point you had moved on to someone else and I was old news. The rational part of me wanted to leave you alone, but of course I stupidly contacted you a few more times and humiliated myself further. I needed to make some sense of what had happened, and I had no one to validate my feelings. You had done enough to make me look crazy, even to my family. I've never been able to talk about this to anyone. That's why it's taken so long to process this, after going round and round in circles. The only sense this will ever make is that it doesn't make sense, and that is where I will leave it. I will continue to give you all the space in the world. I don't resent you, because who knows when I would have had the strength to deal with those things in my past otherwise, but I will never contact you, mention you or try and talk to you. Not only because you've made it clear you'd prefer if I disappeared, but because I cannot risk any more damage to my reputation. I wish you well, but I'm taking your dismissal to heart now.

Ok, so maybe you're not so bad after all.

So I backslid. So what. Don't worry, you're quite safe from me. Oh, and f--- you. Ignore me if you like, but how dare you treat me like a piece of dirt you brush off.

Happy Christmas. Let's hope the new year brings good things.

embarrassed.

Set myself up for rejection yet again? Why not? It's obviously worked so well before. Why don't I stop being annoying and forget it.

I've no idea what to say, or if a response is even needed or appropriate. The memory of hurting someone, and of being rejected, is still pretty horrible. I've simply no idea where you are in your life now or what you want.

Edited to delete.

This anger is 18 months too late. I'm not angry because you've moved on, but because you pretended for a while that you weren't dropping me, and then froze me out. I couldn't confide in anyone or complain - because you hadn't really done anything. It was on me if I had any unrealistic expectations of you. Etc. Now, you're long gone, and I've only really accepted that for certain for a few months. This aftermath is mine to deal with. I won't make it about you.

I still love you, but I was a fool and you hurt me badly, and I have no right to say it any more. I would not want to hurt someone else. I hope you will be happy, but I need to put this to rest.

You always had me. You felt something for me as well. I know it. But I just wasn't good enough for you so you moved on to someone else. And now it's happening again because I'm still not good enough and I have to close my heart to you. I have nothing to prove or to explain to you. Don't try and prise me open again only to discard me. I have no idea why you act as you do, or why you just want attention, nothing real. You don't want me, you've let me know again and again - and then you act as if you do.

Please stop messing with me, just stop it. As if I had any say in the matter. How many people do you do this to to pass the time? I was so tempted to justify myself and my inappropriate actions to her and let her know what the truth is, but what the hell right do I have to do that? Your ignoring my contacts and silence ever since - let's just say it doesn't mean wanting anything to do with me. Maybe what she's hearing is the truth, all I have is the lie. It's none of my business any more, but I never had any say in what you do. Stop it, unless you're sadistic. Stop trying to make me believe you when you're telling the same thing to someone else. You would never say it to me. All this has no meaning to you in the real world. You don't even acknowledge that I exist. And yes, I'm still playing the game.

I school myself not to believe you, but you always manage to tap into my weakness, the wish to believe that somewhere, someone cared. It always hurts when I realise you don't mean it.

I'm not quite sure if you're looking for something from me, so I'll stay quiet. If there are things you have to decide on, don't hurry; I'm in the midst of all sorts of changes and I don't know how things will go ultimately. I do hope at the least that we don't disappear from each other's lives entirely.

Don't be depressed. Things will work out somehow.

P.S. I miss you, but you knew that already.

If you're trying to draw me out with the smoke signals - don't. You know where I am if you want to talk. If I contact you, I'll be the crazy one who won't leave you alone. Don't play games because I'm not playing along anymore.

Said I would stay away but, that was nice. It's not going to be easy, that's for certain, but I wish you luck and staying power.

Thanks, though, for everything. I hope I can see you happy some time.

Ugh. If I'm not imagining things, you should really make things right with your ex pretty soon. Seriously, though, that's low. Not that it's my business in the least, and it really isn't so I should just butt out. Hey ho.

Ugh, ignore the second part, but - I do hope you can work things out.