Don't know what to do

[Arabella314]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and a few months ago I started to see emails to & from another girl who lives in another state. I confronted him & he kept saying she was just a friend and since she did live in another state..I kept letting it go. In June I found out she was here & he would call me & say he was going to a friends house & disappear the whole night. I confronted him again & he said nothing happened that she was married and she was here to see her husbands family. Like a dummy I gave him the benefit of the doubt. About a month ago, me & her ended up speaking and she told me that he told her that me & him had broke up & she was his girl & that he was with her in the hotel the whole time she was here and the 3 weeks that he stayed with me while my mom was on vacation, he was calling her & she was calling MY house while I was asleep and in school. She said he told her I was on vacation also & he was just watching the pets. Well anyway, me & him are still together, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it and the things I should've done to find out and stop it earlier. I do love him, but I can't trust him..plus he really only thinks about himself. Maybe I'm holding on cause I don't want her to have him. :sad:

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but do you really need me to answer what you should be doing? You already see that he has been cheating on you, and he's even had the audacity to have her call YOUR house while you were away. That is highly disrespectful. He is a liar and a cheater, how can you possibly trust him? There is nothing that you could have done to make things any differently. If it wasn't going to be with her, it would be someone else. A relationship is based on trust, if there is no trust - there is nothing. How can you remain with him and not have that doubt in the back of your mind? Even so, alongside of that you are even stating that he is selfish and only thinks about himself? Again, why are you putting yourself through this? You should let her have him, because honestly - what good is he? I know you've invested a long time into this relationship, but it's never going to get any better from here. You deserve to be loved just like any other person and if he can't fully give you what you need - I'll say to cut your losses and keep it moving. I know it's going to be hard at first, but it will get a lot better, trust me.

[lady00]

Dump him. Seriously, he has treated you with a spectacular amount of disrespect and he's cheated on you. It's not worth it just for the sake of being in a relationship. I understand you have strong feelings for him. But what about yourself? Treat yourself right and get far, far away from this man. He has absolutely no regard for your emotional wellbeing or for his relationship with you.

 

Step outside of yourself for a second and think of what you'd say to your best female friend if she told you her bf did this. Be honest...what would you say?

[lady00]

As far as her not having him...sorry to say, but that ship has long since sailed.

[odile]

If he leaves you for her, then you should thank her for ridding you of him.

I suspect, however, that she will not want him either.

Seriously, do you want to be with a guy who would do such things?

 

Someone who lies like that to one person will think nothing of doing it to the next.

He is not worth another minute of your time.

[jessica911]

he is playing both of you girls, you should watch out and not be with him anymore. he isn't worth your time.

[odile]

Well anyway, me & him are still together, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it and the things I should've done to find out and stop it earlier. I do love him, but I can't trust him..plus he really only thinks about himself. Maybe I'm holding on cause I don't want her to have him.

 

In regard to the section highlighted in bold-- please

Do not blame yourself for a second!

There's nothing wrong with trusting someone that you love, and that is the only thing that you have done here.

Unfortunately, you trusted someone who wasn't worthy of that trust. It was a simple mistake.

 

Do not allow yourself to feel guilty for what's happened here.

He was purposefully being deceptive, and had you been suspicious, he would have only worked harder to cover his tracks.

Nothing you could do or be could have changed the way that things played out.

 

This has EVERYTHING to do with his faults.

 

Seriously, he's garbage.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why are you still with him? What is so loveable about a man who cheats, lies and plays two women off of each other. This guy is a major sleaze..there is nothing loveable or even likeable about him. It was not your job to prevent him from doing anything..he needs to have the integrity not to do crap like that. He has no integrity. Normal people do not behave like that. I would ditch this guy ASAP.

[HeartGoesOn]

How can you honestly still love someone who treats you like this? This is beyond belief!

[Arabella314]

Thanks. I really don't know why I stay with him. Part of me says ''dump him" the other part says "hang in there." Why I took him back & fought so hard to keep him...well that was mainly because the thought of me losing him to her for good really upset me & I wasn't gonna let that happen, so I swallowed my pride & fought for him, plus he kept telling me that it was my fault he cheated and if I acted right it would've never happened and since I did have a attitude with him alot and kept pushing him away cause I wasn't happy..it might be true. . Guess that's why I've been stressing what I should've done like email her when I first started seeing the messages, or when I would wake up & not see him in bed I should have got up to see what he was doing or when he disappeared I could've went to his house, parked the car in the shopping plaza so he wouldn't know I was there & wait for her to drop him off at home which is when he would call me. Though I keep telling myself..I can't change it..I'm still stressing why I didn't do those things. Plus, I'm going to be truthful, I did cheat on him once like 3 months after we started going out, but I didn't love him at that time & I did feel bad..that's why I only did it once and he never found out. So I keep saying to myself that 'we're even' hoping it'll make me feel better (it doesn't) and lately I've been angry enough that I almost told him a few times to see if he would hurt as much as I do, but I know he won't & it'll just make things worse, so I'm staying quiet on that one.....for now.

[arcadefire]

Ugh, he is so selfish and immoral. Don't stay with a cheater. He has gotten away with it, and this girl has done you a favor for telling you about his real side!

 

I can't believe he is blaming YOU for HIS infidelity. Do NOT tell him about the time you cheated on him once. He's just going to use that as even more ammunition.

 

Just walk. Leave him. He doesn't deserve your love.

[knightingale]

There are so many reasons you need to get out of this relationship--he's a cheater, a liar, a player, a manipulator, (emotional) abuser and selfish. To name a few.

 

I say emotional abuser because he has convinced you that you are the reason he did what he did. YOU didn't do anything to cause him to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. It doesn't matter why he cheated, just the fact that he did.

 

I understand the hesitation to end it. Six years is a lot to say goodbye to. But do you seriously want to deal with this anxiety and emotional turmoil for the rest of your life? It either ends now on your terms, or this cycle gets repeated over and over again. End it now, heal, and move on to someone you can trust. In response to another thread of yours, this relationship doesn't seem worth it physically (he can't keep it up) OR emotionally. It's a dead end. Get out now.

[odile]

"I really don't know why I stay with him....I took him back & fought so hard to keep him...well that was mainly because the thought of me losing him to her for good really upset me & I wasn't gonna let that happen, so I swallowed my pride & fought for him,....I did have a attitude with him alot and kept pushing him away cause I wasn't happy.."

 

OKAY, there's A LOT here.

Firstly, swallowing your pride to fight for something that doesn't make you happy in the first place doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it?

 

Secondly, him telling you that it's YOUR fault that he cheated?

That's manipulative.

 

You didn't make him cheat!

He may have been dissatisfied, but if he respected you, he would have

worked to change this, talked to you, or else ended the relationship.

 

Did he say it was your fault that he lied to the other woman, to?

Or did was that somehow her fault?

Perhaps he thinks she's simply someone that deserved being used?

 

"I've been stressing what I should've done like email her when I first started seeing the messages,

or when I would wake up & not see him in bed I should have got up to see what he was doing or when he disappeared I could've went to his house,

parked the car in the shopping plaza so he wouldn't know I was there & wait for her to drop him off at home which is when he would call me"

 

Anytime a person mistrusts their S.O. to the point of needing to resort to spy-games is a red flag in itself

The need for that sort of action says 'this relationship is in trouble'.

Now, I'm not saying that if somethings amiss that you shouldn't look into it, but

what I am saying is that it's a sad moment when you realise that the trust just isn't entirely there.

 

Look around this board, and you will see plenty of posts by people who have been cheated on.

In EVERY instance that they were dealing with a shady character, the cheater turns it around, and

blames the person being wronged.

 

Read the accounts where the person being cheated on starts feeling like they're going mad because;

unable to reconcile the difference between what they're being told by their S.O., and what they know doesn't feel right;

they resort to spying, and because of the way that they find themselves behaving, realise that they don't feel like themselves any longer.

Worse still, the cheater usually uses this in his favor, to accuse the S.O. of 'not trusting him' or being 'paranoid', or worse 'crazy'.

You're lucky that you didn't have to work to catch him, because believe me-- you saved yourself a bit of sanity.

 

It might hurt that you didn't find out sooner, but even if you had, the situation would be the same.

 

You said it here: "I do love him, but I can't trust him..plus he really only thinks about himself."

 

He is a liar who uses people.

 

 

I'm going to be truthful, I did cheat on him once like 3 months after we started going out, but I didn't love him at that time & I did feel bad..that's why I only did it once and he never found out.

 

While I do not in any way approve of you having cheated at the beginning of your relationship,

this is not at all a matter of -titfor-tat.

There's a big difference between seeing other people (or having a one-night-stand)

before you decide to settle down get seriously involved in a monogamous relationship

(which is more or less what it sounds like you did),

vs.

what he has done--

cheating on your partner of 6 years for an extended period of time, and

meanwhile deliberately deceiving two (or more, for all we know) people who trust you--

not just once, but again, and again for months and months!

 

After 6 years together he finds he is unsure of his feelings for you, or doesn't know how to be honest with you about his feelings--

to the point where rather than try to work things out with you, he turns to another?

And then has the gall to blame you for his actions?

Well then, this relationship-- and this guy-- are riddled with massive issues whether or not this particular OW is on the scene.

 

If there can be no trust in a relationship, then what is that relationship worth?

[knightingale]

What are your ages? I thought you mentioned you were 20, and since he drinks excessively I'll assume he is at least 21. If that's the case then that means you two have been together since you were 14/15? I'm not excusing what he did at all, but maybe he has begun to realize--and maybe you should consider it--that you started a serious relationship too young and should possibly see what else is out there. I just think 14 is awfully young to begin a relationship of this magnitude (6 years?!). Not to mention he seems severely lacking in maturity.

[Arabella314]

What are your ages? I thought you mentioned you were 20, and since he drinks excessively I'll assume he is at least 21. If that's the case then that means you two have been together since you were 14/15? I'm not excusing what he did at all, but maybe he has begun to realize--and maybe you should consider it--that you started a serious relationship too young and should possibly see what else is out there. I just think 14 is awfully young to begin a relationship of this magnitude (6 years?!). Not to mention he seems severely lacking in maturity.

 

 

 

 

I'm 20 . He's 23. He's been drinking since I've known him. He buys a 12-18 pack of beers a day. The story on how we got together is we actually met on the internet in a music chatroom he created. I was still living in New York but we were moving to Florida once I finished 8th grade. He had already moved to Florida from NY. We spoke online in the chat everynight for about 6 months and then he asked me to be his girl. I already started to like him, but I still had strong feelings for one of my close friends (the guy I cheated on him with) who told me we could never be together in a serious relationship because he was a player and didn't want to hurt me. So to get my mind off my friend and I did like the way he was, I said yes. About two months after, me and my parents went to Florida for a vacation and he came to see me at my friends house. We hung out everyday for the 2 weeks I was here & then I went back to NY. About 5-6 months later is when we did the move over here. That's when I noticed the change, he didn't say the sweet, romantic things he wrote on the net, or in the letters. He started with the "I'm the man & you have to do what I say" crap which I wasn't having, so we would get in a argument. He never got physical though. And the sex was always all about him, so I ''changed'' and I stopped sleeping with him. He said I changed first, but I know I didn't. But it makes me feel bad cause I'm like damn..I did push him away. I know he's a a$$hole and doesn't deserve me, but it's hard for me to turn my back on someone I love. Guess I'm just a sucker for that.

[Arabella314]

Did he say it was your fault that he lied to the other woman, to?

Or did was that somehow her fault?

Perhaps he thinks she's simply someone that deserved being used?

 

Well honestly I could care less if he did use her. As for him lying to her..she claims she didn't know we were still together and I should've questioned her about it when we spoke, but I didn't think of this until after. Just hard to buy it because when I would question him about the emails she sent he would tell me that she was after him, so I would reply back in the emails to "f*#! off and leave my man alone" That's hint #1. On his myspace I'm was always number 1 on his top friends. If we had broke up I would think he would take me off his top friends and put her there. She wasn't even on that list. Also in his photos on myspace there is a picture of me with a caption that says ''my girl'' and she told me that she kept after him to take that picture off & he said no. That's hint#2. When he was staying with me, but told her I was away & he would have her call I picked up the phone one time she called & she said ''wrong number'' & hung up. He came running asking who it was and I remember that. She said he would tell her to call with a private number and only at certain times...Hint#3. When she was here he kept stalling cause she wanted to meet his mom when he finally introduced them..she said he didn't refer to her as his girl..just a friend and a friend of his that she said she did meet when she told him that she was his girl..she said he gave her a strange look. HINT #4. So I don't know if she's lying. If she's hurting..I really don't care

[odile]

From what you say here, if you pushed him away, it was probably in your own best interest to do so.

You are not a bad person for wanting to be with someone who respects you.

He's an alcoholic. He's domineering and disrespectful.

 

You've been with him since you were practically a kid.

It's scary to go beyond the familiar even when the familiar is crappy, and I think that you are confusing that familiarity with love.

Perhaps in some ways you do love him, but the love that you share sounds like a very unhealthy love.

 

Furthermore, if you do love him, then it's all the more reason for you to walk.

Otherwise, you're telling him that it's okay to be an "a$$hole".

By staying, you're setting both of you up for a lot of disappointments.

 

Walking away from this guy is the only way that he will recognise that he should not treat people this way.

It's the wake up call that he needs to get his life on track.

[odile]

Well honestly I could care less if he did use her. As for him lying to her..she claims she didn't know we were still together and I should've questioned her about it when we spoke, but I didn't think of this until after. Just hard to buy it because when I would question him about the emails she sent he would tell me that she was after him,

 

Of course he said that! That's exactly what a manipulative guy would do!

 

 

so I would reply back in the emails to "f*#! off and leave my man alone" That's hint #1.

 

Right, and then he probably wrote again, or called, and told her it was his wacky friend/sister/cousin playing a prank, and to ignore the crazy message.

 

On his myspace I'm was always number 1 on his top friends. If we had broke up I would think he would take me off his top friends and put her there. She wasn't even on that list. Also in his photos on myspace there is a picture of me with a caption that says ''my girl'' and she told me that she kept after him to take that picture off & he said no. That's hint#2.

 

Well, as far as a hint goes, it's probably just one of those things that helped her clue into the fact that he was being dishonest.

This doesn't prove any sort of innocence on his behalf.

He probably told her you were his ex or something.

Does his profile say "in a relationship" with YOU? Also, does he even use myspace regularly?

Many people who signed up for myspace now use facebook, so their myspace is left in a time-warp.

He could have used that as an excuse for why you were on there.

 

 

When he was staying with me, but told her I was away & he would have her call I picked up the phone one time she called & she said ''wrong number'' & hung up. He came running asking who it was and I remember that. She said he would tell her to call with a private number and only at certain times...Hint#3. When she was here he kept stalling cause she wanted to meet his mom when he finally introduced them..she said he didn't refer to her as his girl..just a friend and a friend of his that she said she did meet when she told him that she was his girl..she said he gave her a strange look. HINT #4. So I don't know if she's lying. If she's hurting..I really don't care

 

 

Maybe she thought it was a wrong number, because she was expecting a man's voice, and knew that you weren't one!

The only thing that the call proves is that she called. It proves nothing else whatsoever.

Again, these are hints that helped clue her in to what was up-- but they say nothing about whatever web he was spinning on the other end.

If he was innocent, he wouldn't have asked her to call a private number, for crying out loud!

Girl, if he took her to meet his mom, he was most definitely trying to send her the message that they were together.

The more you say about it, and the longer I think about it, the more willing I'd be to bet that he told her that you were his crazy ex.

 

You may not care about how he treated her, but you should.

Whatever he did to her, he has done to you.

 

And he'll do it again.

[Arabella314]

Right, and then he probably wrote again, or called, and told her it was his wacky friend/sister/cousin playing a prank, and to ignore the crazy message.

 

She knew it was me. She said he told her that to keep their relationship a secret because I was crazy & jealous, and since our pets live with me, he didn't want me to get mad and not allow him to see them. Oh plz

 

 

Well, as far as a hint goes, it's probably just one of those things that helped her clue into the fact that he was being dishonest.

This doesn't prove any sort of innocence on his behalf.

He probably told her you were his ex or something.

Does his profile say "in a relationship" with YOU? Also, does he even use myspace regularly?

 

His myspace profile always said in a relationship, but I don't think it's possible to put a name there. Facebook you can, but he doesn't have one of those Her myspace said ''married'' which he told me she was, but she told me that he told her to put that. He denies this. He doesn't have internet, so I check his page everyday, and she knew I did. He also gave her the password, though he told me it was his brother signing on, I knew it was her.

 

Maybe she thought it was a wrong number, because she was expecting a man's voice, and knew that you weren't one!

The only thing that the call proves is that she called. It proves nothing else whatsoever. Again, these are hints that helped clue her in to what was up

 

She said when she called back that night ( I guess while I was in school) that she flipped out on him asking why a girl picked up & he told her that it wasn't me, it was the neighbor coming to see if everything was ok. I was the one who first messaged her because I saw on another forum that she was talking about him. I was tired of the nonsense so I sent a message saying I'm still his girl. She replied back for me to call her.

[odile]

She knew it was me. She said he told her that to keep their relationship a secret because I was crazy & jealous, and since our pets live with me, he didn't want me to get mad and not allow him to see them. Oh plz

 

Yep, exactly as suspected, he labelled you the crazy ex.

So typical.

Yeah, it sounds lame, but no lamer than the line he fed you about her being a friend whop was married and who was coming to visit her husband's family...

conveniently at the same time that your bf disappears.

Sometimes we believe what we want to believe, even when the truth is right there in front of us.

 

His myspace profile always said in a relationship, but I don't think it's possible to put a name there. Facebook you can, but he doesn't have one of those Her myspace said ''married'' which he told me she was, but she told me that he told her to put that. He denies this. He doesn't have internet, so I check his page everyday, and she knew I did. He also gave her the password, though he told me it was his brother signing on, I knew it was her.

 

Right, so he lied to her, and he lied to you.

Without a name there, she probably figured the "in a relationship" status was about the two of them!

How convenient for him.

 

BTW-- the thing about telling you it was his brother signing in is eerily close to what I figured he'd told

her. You see? Guys like this are often terribly predictable once you've seen a few.

 

She said when she called back that night ( I guess while I was in school) that she flipped out on him asking why a girl picked up & he told her that it wasn't me, it was the neighbor coming to see if everything was ok. I was the one who first messaged her because I saw on another forum that she was talking about him. I was tired of the nonsense so I sent a message saying I'm still his girl. She replied back for me to call her.

 

It's horrible that he would treat the two of you this way.

Do you see how he has played you off of each other?

He is sick, and deserves neither of you.

 

If she has any sense at all, she won't want him. The same goes for you.

If indeed you are fighting over this guy, you are doing yourself a mighty disservice.

It's like fighting over dog poo; even if you win, you haven't won ....

[Arabella314]

We're not fighting over him. From what I know she doesn't want anything to do with him. He said he wanted to remain friends with her, I didn't want that, but I had a feeling he'd still do it anyway, so about 2 weeks ago I called her, gave him the phone and told him to tell her he just wanted to be friends in front of me. He put her on speaker so I could hear her & she basically said that wasn't what he was telling her and why is he now saying I'm his girl and now saying he just wants to be friends with her, told him to go to hell and hung up.

 

I guess the reason why I stay is I do love him (why that I don't know..I just do) and though staying with him hurts, the thought of not being with him hurts more. Sounds crazy but that's how I feel. And we've been together so long, the thought of having to start over with someone else is scary. Plus what if they turn out to be worse. I'm just confused. I know he doesn't deserve me and I should leave, but I can't seem to walk away from him. Talking about this helps alot though. I can't talk to him about it cause he says to drop it & forget about it. Can't tell my parents cause they'll go off on him and all hell will break loose. My best friend knows what he did but when she asked me if I left him & I said no..I got that look from her that I hate so I changed the subject and I haven't brought it up since. It was driving me crazy holding it in.

[lady00]

Wow. He insisted on being "friends" with the woman he cheated on you with? This guy sounds like he has zero remorse and absolutely no regard for your feelings! The #1 rule of gaining your partner's trust back is to cut all contact with the other person. Here he has done the exact opposite. Him telling you to just drop it and forget about it is very self-serving but it does not help you at all. He is only thinking about himself.

 

I feel bad for you because he has you wrapped around his finger and it seems like you will allow him to treat you however he wants and still stay with him. I hope you change your mind. Many bad things could happen that you don't seem to be taking into account. He could cheat again (if he isn't already, which is frankly quite likely given his past behavior) and bring home an STD. He could further ruin your self-esteem (which already seems to be quite damaged from all of this). Loving someone really doesn't justify letting them treat you like dirt. Someone who loves you doesn't do that. Of course your parents would freak out--any parent who loves their child would in a situation like this!

 

Do you have a counselor you can talk to? It pains me to see someone go through this and still stay. I hope that you end this relationship soon. Not sure what the wake-up call that you will need is, but I hope that it comes soon for the sake of your future happiness.

[knightingale]

You can either hurt forever by staying with him, or hurt for a little while by ending it and THEN healing and moving on to something healthier and happier. You've become codependent on this relationship because it is your first and you don't know any better, and you are confusing codependency and familiarity with love. If don't know and can't think of at LEAST one reason why you love him and should love him, then it isn't real love. He's manipulative and selfish and you need to realize this before you get trapped in this cycle for the rest of your life. I understand why it's hard, most of us here do, but it's a necessary step to make. He is poisoning your life and who you are, and you need to get rid of that poison before it's too late. It will only get worse.

[Khloe]

It seems you are not staying for love but rather for the comfort of familiarity and fear of being alone. You have stated many times that you still "love" him and don't know why. Is it really love that compels you to stay? It doesn't sound like it. Everybody defines love differently but I don't know that anything you have described would be associated with an idea of love.

 

The feelings and denial seem to be very similar to those experienced by abused women. Women that stay in relationships because they believe that it will one day get better if they try hard enough. They excuse such disrespect and lack of morality because they "love" their abuser. You have been abused mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Infidelity can be a form of sexual abuse in some circumstances and there are real and present ramifications that can arise. Such as: contracting STDs or STIs. You should get yourself tested.

[miami]

Sigh! So young...so naive!

 

I am going to pretend for a moment that you are my daughter, and give you the same advice I would give her. I only pray that I do a better job fostering self-esteem in my little girl than your parents obviously did instilling in you since my jaw is still wide open from the shere insanity of your current thought process. Not trying to be insulting, just sharing an honest perspective that hopefully you will come to agree with too.

 

First- you have just come to a crossroad in your life, and a mildy important one no less. Luckily you are still young, unmarried, with no kids and a world of options at your fingertips. To recap: Your man has been playing you, you KNOW he has been playing you, HE KNOWS that YOU KNOW you have been played- and yet the relationship continues. Although this is a bad situation is not THE problem. Seriously- it is not.

 

The real danger lies in how you CHOOSE to handle this particular situation in your life. You will have many, many, many equally important crossroads present themselves down the road, and a number of them will be truly important. As I said earlier- this one is not a biggie. Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough about the important ones later since "life will happen" to you as it does everyone else.

 

Going back to my point....CHOICES! A woman has the love life she is willing to settle for, and right now my dear your bar is WAAAAAY too low. If you think your self-esteem was low BEFORE this incident (and obviously it was since you were not strong enough to stand up for yourself), just wait till you see how you feel about yourself later down the road if you assume the role of his sperm dumpster. If you are willing to sell yourself short NOW, when you are young and 23, when the world is still your oyster, prepare yourself for a life of mediocrity and little respect after a succession of similar compromises down the road.

 

VALUE YOURSELF!! Demonstrate to YOURSELF that you have self-respect, dignity and standards from which you are not willing to deviate. Don't settle for mediocrity. This man has no respect for you. None! You are simply a warm place for him to put it in- that's it! Sorry! If you continue to stay with this man and spread your legs for a man who has openly betrayed you, your self-esteem will continue to PLUMMET. He is TAKING from you and giving NOTHING in return. This relationship is already on death row with no chance of a pardon from the governor. You can either be weak and spineless as he continues to use you and discards you when he's bored, or you can put your foot down, feed your self esteem and tell him to never call you again thus preserving some modicum of dignity.

 

The longer you continue to stay in this situation, the more self-esteem and self-respect you will continue to lose. Like an obese person who is stuck in a self-destructive loop of:

 

"eating when sad" and "sad because of eating,"

 

your cycle will be

 

"no self-esteem b/c of bad relationship" and "bad relationship b/c no self-esteem."

 

You are still at the crossroads- the choice is yours.