annalisa84 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Oh guys, I'm so sad at the moment. I recently got back together with my ex. We were broken up for more than 2 months. And he already broke my heart again.. When we first got back together, we made love. I remember being very close to him, touching with all my body and soul, and.. I asked him whether I can trust him. He said yes and that he hasn't been with anyone else. It's only me. I believed him. We then made love without a condom.. Now I found out it was another lie. He had sex with someone else barely week after we broke up, in a parking lot while drunk. And since then tried with many others, but din't succeed. He said he used condom and as we were BROKEN UP so it shouldn't matter.. But it hurts so much. That he would o that. We were together more than 2 years and then.. on a parking lot? And then to come back to me, look into my eyes and say I can trust him. And LIE. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. Thanks. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 He has a point that since you were broken up, technically he did not do anything wrong by sleeping with someone. But what is wrong is that he lied to you about it. And put you at risk by not using a condom. That would be enough for me to walk away. How can you trust him if he's already lying to you when you are just working through your problems? Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted May 30, 2009 Author Share Posted May 30, 2009 He knew that when he would have told me i would never have agreed to get bacl together.. I feel so played. Link to comment
Sn0man Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Yes you were broken up, so you can't call a foul there. That he didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he was out looking for a little comfort/reboud sex is his choice to make - after all, you were broken up. Sure, lying is not cool. But the golden rule is to not ask questions that you don't want an answer to. Follow that, and there will never be a reason for anyone to lie to you. I'll also add, that you shouldn't be upset by his mistake. I'm 99.999% sure it meant nothing to him, or to his fling; that it was done because he was hurt and needed validation, and that he probably feels horrible about it now. But remember, there are no rules in love and war. And you can't allow yourself to be upset about something that was none of your business to begin with. When people break up, most of the time it's a permanent thing - no rules were broken, and you can't allow yourself to think that way. An aside - don't use this as ammo the next time a trust issue comes up, it will backfire. Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted May 30, 2009 Author Share Posted May 30, 2009 Beside having a one nigh stand. He actually answered to those craigslist massage girls - imo prostitutes! Said that he never met them in the end, but still.. this is not about being hurt and rebound. It's disgusting, it's just #$@ing! I' just afraid that this is what he likes. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I'm sorry. To me, risking your body and health - dealbreaker. Wasn't his call to make to keep that info to himself when you asked, was incredibly selfish and destroys what trust was there to build from moving forward. Nevermind even in a relationship; even a sexual tryst. Gotta know where you stand. You have a responsibility to making sure you are safe and protected - - sometimes in this world that means, condoms every time. Or waiting longer. You took a risk; because you felt close to him and were celebrating. I just wanted to say this so you don't start believing he had more control than he did - yes, I think what he did was crappy. I'm sorry this happened as it did. But since it's happened, you can learn something from it - - from anything painful, you can. Your health and welfare first, lady. Men might come and go - you only get one body. Make sure you are ok on that front just in case. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 You had a right to know whether or not he has been with anyone else in the two months. For him to agree NOT to use a condom after he knew he had sex with someone else is just irresponsible and revolting and simply shows that he does NOT have your best interests at heart. You were in a relationship with him for 2 years so it was not like you were strangers..there are well-established couples who don't use condoms because they are secure knowing that their partner is disease free, and they are using other methods for the birth control aspects. If you have to second guess someone you are supposed to trust, and use a condom just in case they are lying to you, then there is a serious problem with the relationship. This man did not have your back...he lied to protect his image even though it could compromise your health. This guy is a loser. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 You were in a relationship with him for 2 years so it was not like you were strangers..there are well-established couples who don't use condoms because they are secure knowing that their partner is disease free, and they are using other methods for the birth control aspects. If you have to second guess someone you are supposed to trust, and use a condom just in case they are lying to you, then there is a serious problem with the relationship. Well, there was a break-up. And no matter the principles of the thing: it's her body and so anything that may happen, ultimately, she has to live with. I'm not disagreeing with you as far as what you had to say about his judgment and not having her back. Or even that it is repulsive. It's incredibly selfish. I'm only trying to point out some of the options she has had along the way so that next time, if she ever finds herself in a similar situation or otherwise getting back with someone after a break: she can choose something else if she wants. Just to be aware of that. Link to comment
alcide Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 I don't think you should feel this way. Besides you guy's weren't together. If he was still with you i could understand. But he has his life to live and you don't own him. Plus he was junk so i do not see that as a big deal. He wants you back, so hence the reason he would say that you can trust him, so that things can work out with you two again. At least he has been honest with you be telling you what happened after a 2 mnths break up. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Well, there was a break-up. And no matter the principles of the thing: it's her body and so anything that may happen, ultimately, she has to live with. I'm not disagreeing with you as far as what you had to say about his judgment and not having her back. Or even that it is repulsive. It's incredibly selfish. I'm only trying to point out some of the options she has had along the way so that next time, if she ever finds herself in a similar situation or otherwise getting back with someone after a break: she can choose something else if she wants. Just to be aware of that. Yes, I agree it was also her choice not to use a condom, and to have sex with him this quickly after reconciling. It is just a sad state when people lie or have to not trust the person they are reconciling with. It flies in the face of what a relationship should be about...especially after only a 2 month break up. The fact that people have sex with others so quickly after a break up is really appalling and tacky. I think it is a sad commentary on how we view sex and love and relationships when people who go and bang others immediately after a break up are defended while the person who is upset about it and feels betrayed is treated like they are doing something wrong. It is just in keeping with today's norms that sex is applauded and the more sex you have the more it is applauded, doesn't matter when, where, how, as long as you have it the other person needs to just shut up and not feel hurt unless it was officially cheating. Link to comment
annalisa84 Posted May 30, 2009 Author Share Posted May 30, 2009 Thanks everybody! Especially Grazyaboutdogs - This is exactly how I feel.. And of course I should have used condom. I guess I really wanted to believe him. He hurt me so much before and he seemed to regret that. I assumed there is no way he could do this again to me - lie, hide, manipulate, hurt etc. I was wrong. Link to comment
odile Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 If you'd been monogamous before (and using other forms of birth control), then there's no reason that you should have insisted on a condom all of a sudden after reconciling. Thing is, he purposefully misled you, so that you'd believe that he'd not been with anyone else. Even if he wasn't sure if he should tell you that he'd been with others (and in my opinion, he really should have been honest, even if your having been officially broken up would have meant that it may have not 'officially' been your business), HE should have insisted on the condom. It was really wrong of him to lie to you, especially in a circumstance when doing so was not only something that would impact your feelings, but also influenced the choices that you made concerning your health. I would think long and hard about whether he really has you and your best interest at heart. Link to comment
problematic1 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 so he answered to prostitutes on craigslist?? Listen girl, This guy is not the one for you, if he was he wouldnt be breaking your heart. Live and Learn. Life has crazy ways of teaching you lessons, this is one of those relationships that you will use throughout your life time. Everytime you date someone new you should use this relationship as a guide on what NOT to do. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck. All wounds heal with time. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 This is the guy that left only a note for you when he left, according to your other threads. I would have taken the advice that everyone gave you about going back to him, by taking it slow. I think you put your trust in him again way too soon. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Of course he has a right to do what he wants if you're not together, but he does NOT have a right to lie to you about important things like who he's slept with since you last slept with him, for safety's sake. The first thing you should do is go get tested for STDs if you know he might have slept with questionable women (which he did). He may also have slept with more than you know about, including prostitutes. So take care of that first. I would have nothing to do with him. In fact, this should make it easier to put him behind you, because you know he's a liar and the type of guy to sleep with random women in bars and hookers off Craigslist. You want nothing to do with this guy... he's a TERRIBLE prospect for a longterm relationship or marriage. Find someone better. Link to comment
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