overweight & dating

[LAYAAN]

alright, as long as you know what you are doing and are content with it, all is good.

[Ariel85]

It just means we wouldn't be compatible. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong. It just means we wouldn't be right for each other because we have different lifestyle preferences. That doesn't bother me. The whole point of my post was to get a much better idea of who is above my league. I have enough confirmation now.

 

Really the whole purpose of dating is figuring out who I would be compatible with. I ask these kind of questions early on in the dating process about her hobbies, line of work, other things that give me a better idea if she prefers a sendentary life or a physically active life.

 

Totally agree! I'm sure you'd shake your head and wonder why I work out so much. lol

 

The point is that someone like myself probably wouldn't be a match for you. Having core values in common is critical - and fitness is one of them.

 

But, why are you so sure now that this gal is out of your league? If she's not a fitness junkie, then the 30 pounds might not bother her at all.

[rocio]

Regarding your original question, I think the general idea in here is that there are a number of thin women out there who would not be put off by your weight.

 

However, there are other things that are starting to really stand out in your posts. I think it's cool to learn to accept the things you can't change about yourself. But you know you can change your weight? What you are really accepting isn't your weight or appearance, but your complacency. Your disregard for your health and lack of desire to better yourself.

 

I used to think I had to accept myself as overweight too. I was overweight from about the age of 10 to 19. Then I slowly started making changes and have been fit for several years (even had a baby and lost all the weight within the first year). It feels really good to know that I can accept the things I can't change about myself, and that I can make really powerful change happen in my life too.

 

I don't mean to lecture you. I probably sound annoying right now. But honestly, isn't there at least some part of you that wants to be more healthy?

[JadedStar]

I totally agree with amber above. It is the complacency you have accepted, not so much your weight.

 

And truthfully complacency in a person's personality can turn a lot of people off. Most people like some adventure, and might not be happy with someone who likes sitting around a lot. Maybe that isn't you but i get the feel you are very inactive, and if you are young now sunspot this 30lbs overweight is going to become a lot more over time as your metabolism slows naturally due to age.

 

It is pretty clear that most women who are thin have stated they could see themselves dating a man a bit overweight but it is also clear that most of them would not be It is the lifestyle that would eventually kill the relationship, not the appearance or weight.

 

I think Suzie_Q was bringing out a point that perhaps her b/f USED to be healthy and active and now isn't and that might be turning her off. I am not sure if that is what she was saying but i think that is where her post was headed...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's pretty much what it means! You don't end up being that big by eating right and exercising. 30 pounds of extra fat is a HUGE amount of weight, and depending on someone's height or bone structure, they could be classified as either obese, not just "overweight".

 

Being fit means BEING FIT. That doesn't mean you are walking around with 30extra pounds of FAT.

 

I find that people that ARE overweight like to rationalize their own reality. Spin it any way you need to to get through your day, but overweight, is overweight. And this doesn't classify you as FIT. It classifies you as FAT.

 

 

You missed my point.....plenty of "fit" people have never seen a doctor a day in their life...don't get themselves screened for anything...assume because they are "fit" they are healthy. However, many "fit" people die of all kinds of diseases, even when they are young. "Fit" does NOT necessarily mean healthy. It takes more than not being "fat" to be healthy. Lots of cancer patients, heart patients etc are "fit". Ever see Michael J. Fox...yep, he wasn't "fat" yet he has Parkinson's disease. Do you really think that "fit" people who bounce from bed to bed are health conscious? I wonder how many "fit" people have STDs because of their reckless sexual behaviour. I wonder how many "fit" people have rotting livers because they drink to excess all the time. "Fit" doesn't necessarily make a person healthy if they are making other reckless and bad choices that can cause health problems.

 

I will also add...lots of "fit" people like to spin their opinion regarding "fat" people so that they appear politically correct...talking about "health"..the truth of the matter is that it really is about arrogance and a feeling of superiority...the reality is about turning their nose up at the person's appearance and attractiveness...it really isn't about concern for that person's health. That is just the politically correct way of spinning it because it is politer than saying "oooh, you are ugly because you are fat". Everyone is entitled to date who they want and to feel attracted to who they want. It is a personal preference...but let's not couch it in politically correct terms of "health".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It just means we wouldn't be compatible. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong. It just means we wouldn't be right for each other because we have different lifestyle preferences. That doesn't bother me. The whole point of my post was to get a much better idea of who is above my league. I have enough confirmation now.

 

Really the whole purpose of dating is figuring out who I would be compatible with. I ask these kind of questions early on in the dating process about her hobbies, line of work, other things that give me a better idea if she prefers a sendentary life or a physically active life.

 

First of all, you should not be thinking in terms of "out of your league"...that is, in essence, implying that you are somehow inferior. You are not. You could have a whole slew of interests and things you do that are very fascinating. A person is much more than the weight they carry and the gym they go to. It is about their character, their down to earth nature, intelligence etc. Don't assume that a person who is "fit" is not compatible with you...because not everyone bases a dating decision solely on the "fitness" factor. You could have the right personality, same sense of humour, same values as her and the only difference is the "fitness" factor. She may rate the other things far higher for a partner than whether or not he has the same level of fitness. So don't sell yourself short and don't think in terms of "out of my league".

Someone who is not "fit" could spend their time improving their mind...maybe they know a lot more about the world and many different things than the "fit" person whose life revolves around the gym and lettuce....snobbery can work two ways...a "fitness snob" may look down on the "fat" person, while the "fat" person may have an intellectual capacity that far "outweighs" the "fit" person's intellect so the "fat" person could look down their nose at the "fit" person for not being very intellectually stimulating. My point is that everyone can feel smug and superior to someone else...but that is not becoming on anyone...nobody is superior even if they are fitter, wealthier, smarter or prettier than the next person.

[JadedStar]

I think that is incorrect to say people who speak of health really mean 'ugly'. I don't think that is very fair or accurate to be able to project that onto everyone who ever said that. I don't care what a person looks like if we aren't dating so there would be no motivation for me to try to slip the term ugly with health just for political correctness. I'm just not that politically correct to begin with. LOL

 

CAD now come on, you know that a person who is at a normal weight WILL be healthier than that same person 30+ lbs heavier. This isn't about saying SOME thin people are not healthy. A person should only be comparing themselves TO themselves and as such they will be a healthier person (even if they are fairly healthy at the higher weight) to lose extra lbs.

 

It's commonsense. ANY doctor will tell an overweight person that if they lose the weight they will reap benefit from it. IF a person wants to stay overweight it is a choice but it isn't fair to say the only people who mention 'health' really mean ugly. I know many overweight people who are very attractive. BUT they would be more attractive if they lost the weight in about 98% of cases. I think most of us here would look at ten overweight people and if asked to check off yes or no anonymously to the question of 'would this person be more attractive 30 lbs lighter' it would likely be all yes's as response. How is that disparaging the person? All it is saying is that perhaps they have more potential in the area of attractivness. But if they dont really CARE about that then it does'nt matter what others think, does it? I think the ones who swear they don't care DO care more than they will admit but scoff at people who are advocates for health as it would mean a severe shift of their habits that they are not prepared to change.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not true. I have seen first hand the down side of being obsessed with health and fitness. There is physical health and mental health...and many of the ones who run to the gym all the time and are anal about food tend to have a huge sense of guilt if they eat a French Fry or if they miss one day of exercise because something very pressing came up. These are the ones who judge others who are heavier and try to impose their values....disparaging those people who are overweight. By the way, I have seen seniors who are thin vs seniors who have a few extra pounds...and the thin ones actually look older than the ones with a few extra pounds (I am talking about overweight but not obese)...are they healthier..not necessarily. It is important to go to a doctor whether you overweight or skinny...get your blood checked regularly, blood pressure monitored, sugar levels monitored etc. Thin, fit people can just as easily have heart attacks, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, strokes and any number of debilitating diseases...not to mention how many types of exercieses can damage body structure leading to knee replacements, hip replacements and all kinds of chronic ailments.

[JadedStar]

CAD you speak in such extremes. I am healthy and in my desired weight range and I can assure you i am no FITNESS JUNKIE.

 

You are referring to a very small sector of the population when you refer to these 'gym freaks' who flip out over eating a french fry. DO you honestly think that the majority of people in shape fit that bill? I know i don't. I eat what i want and when i want, and i am able to do that because i know how to modify the portions so that I am not getting too many calories. I never deny myself a candy bar or McD's fries if i want it...the thing is i don't crave them often and when i do its no biggie because I don't eat pig like portions. Americans and the size of their plates (or what is on it rather) is getting bigger and bigger by the decade.

 

While you are upset that some people are blaming "health" vs saying someone is ugly you are also guilty of assuming that every person who is in shape is a fanatic. I go to the gym three times a week. Is that a fantatic? I surely don't think so. I am nothing at all like the person you described in your post above. I would say less than 15 % of the population of fit people fall into that category of fitness fanatic.

 

Being healthy - yes I will use that term - with one's weight usually only takes three times a week of one removing him or herself from the couch, slimming down their portion sizes and being a little more careful about what they put in their mouth. It isn't rocket science and it isn't hard. That said I am well aware that some metabolism's are slower than others and this method won"t work as well for some than others, but one thing is certain, if an overweight person does what i described in bold even if they don't lose a ton of weight their lifestyle WILL be healthier.

 

And i know that if i gain 30+ lbs instead of pointing fingers to people who are thin who might be unhealthy i will instead concentrate my energy on what i am putting on my plate and how long i am sitting on the couch. I won't like being overweight and instead of making excuses for it will do what i can to get rid of it. My heart does go out to peopel who struggle with this because i know it is not easy for everyone to lose weight, but jsut because some people have a harder time losing it doesn't mean that their saying 'skinny people are unhealthy too' makes them healthier.

 

It reminds me of that schoolkid thing of "i know you are but what am i"

[JadedStar]

not to mention how many types of exercieses can damage body structure leading to knee replacements, hip replacements and all kinds of chronic ailments.

 

With all due respect people who are overweight and obese have put far more stress on their joints than their counterparts who work out. Bone mass is built by exercising. Overweight people tend to not have that same bone mass but have a lot more weight to carry around. And again, you are speaking of the tiny percentage of EXTREME population. There are very few people who work out to the point they have to have a hip replaced.

 

I am referring to about 60% of the population who is overweight (that is likely a conservative estimate) and you are referring to less than 10% of the population who is as fanatical as you say. This country has far more of a problem with overweight folks than those who are fitness obsessed.

 

A smoker would never tell others why his smoking isn't hurting him but it seems people who are overweight will say to others that they are as healthy as their counterparts who do watch what they eat and who exercise and my thing is......DON"T compare yourself to the other people. Compare to yourself TO yourself as in if you got healthier it makes you a healthier person regardless if your skinny neighbor is healthy or not. What good does it do to say 'yeah i might have extra weight but my skinny friend is suffering from diabetes"? How does that make one's extra weight any less healthy or more desirable? Concetnrate on oneself not their neighbor. ANYONE 30+ lbs overweight will be a bit healthier and feel better if they remove the excess. It doesn't matter if someone who is their perfect weight is not healthy ... that should not be one's concern. They can't change anyone but themselves.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, that is exactly my point..concentrate on yourself...that is why the people who go to the gym and love it should concentrate on themself and not look over their shoulder and point fingers at the overweight person with an attitude "I am healthier than you are..nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah". My posts were not directed at you...they are were directed at the many posts I have seen on this forum from the exercise fanatics. I am more like you in my exercise habits..maybe less so because some weeks I go swimming several times, some weeks not at all. I walk every day because I have a dog...I try to watch what I eat but am not always successful...some days I have self-discipline and some days I don't. I am not obese but I am slightly higher than normal range in the BMI so I am indeed overweight probably by about 20 pounds. Am I unhealthy...so far no except for cholesterol which is higher than it should be and which I am working on lowering..but not going crazy about it. Blood pressure great etc. I get screened for breast cancer and get screened for colon cancer. I take care of my health and am certainly not unhealthy even though I have a few extra pounds. I know a dietitian who is about my age, works out, buff body, thin, protruding face looks much older than her years. Is she healthy...I am not inside her body to know....maybe, maybe not.

[JadedStar]

Yes, that is exactly my point..concentrate on yourself...that is why the people who go to the gym and love it should concentrate on themself and not look over their shoulder and point fingers at the overweight person with an attitude "I am healthier than you are..nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah".

 

Where do you see that happening? On this thread? No, that hasn't happened. A few rung into say that being overweight is never going to be as healthy to that said individual than being their desired weight but then a few got up in arms to explain why being overeweight can be healthy and that is why you got the rebuttals. there was no nyah nyah nyah on this thread at all.

 

If you have gotten that on occasion in your life, that isn't a good thing, but it isn't happening on this thread so I am not sure why you are treating people as such here.

 

You shouldn't penalize people here who DO tout health benefit just because you have run into a few people in your 'real' world who have done that. You saying that everyone who says health really means 'ugly' is a terrible stereotype that you are basing on a few people whom you have met who look down on people who are not fitness fanatics.

[ProtestTheHero]

What am I doing? Jerkin it to some porn and eating sweet rolls. It's an odd combo, but it works.

 

I agree with Ariel in the sense that no, you can't cherry pick the parts of a healthy lifestyle that you happen to follow and ignore the things that you happen to not live up to. It is what it is. I do also agree that it's important to only focus on and worry about ourselves, but as soon as we finger point we open it up to everybody else to do the same. Where I live, there happens to be variation...not a line where we're all either couch potatoes or gym rats counting calories and praying to baby Jesus everytime we eat a snickers bar.

[itsallgrand]

Well this thread has become about fitness.

 

But reading your further posts OP, my initial post about this being more about attitude stands.

 

It's just very limiting. You are cutting off possible good women at the gate without even trying for a date. So instead of having someone reject you, just reject them first based on the idea "they wouldn't want me"?

 

Meanwhile, your experience would probably turn out like the vast majority of us in the dating world. We get rejected for all sorts of reasons, often times not the ones the we think of as our 'weaknesses'.

 

But it's all moot if you won't even give it a chance. It's not fair to make conclusions if you haven't even gone out to get some real feedback from women you would want to date.

[Ariel85]

It's not fair to make conclusions if you haven't even gone out to get some real feedback from women you would want to date.

 

True, but if this woman in question is a fitness buff, then she most likely won't be attracted to the OP. NOT because of his 30 pounds, but because of his attitude towards his health.

 

I just think a couple really needs to have core values in common to have any real traction or longevity. I love to be fit and work out, and eat right. It's a huge part of my identity, and definitely defines my lifestyle. Because of this, I don't have to date men that are Bowflex models, but I do have to date a man who is physically active and values being fit.

 

It really comes down to common viewpoints and lifestyle choices.

 

I'd no more date a couch potato than I would a drug addict.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

True, but if this woman in question is a fitness buff, then she most likely won't be attracted to the OP. NOT because of his 30 pounds, but because of his attitude towards his health.

 

I just think a couple really needs to have core values in common to have any real traction or longevity. I love to be fit and work out, and eat right. It's a huge part of my identity, and definitely defines my lifestyle. Because of this, I don't have to date men that are Bowflex models, but I do have to date a man who is physically active and values being fit.

 

It really comes down to common viewpoints and lifestyle choices.

 

I'd no more date a couch potato than I would a drug addict.

 

 

Every person is different. You can't speak for this woman because you don't know what other values she has. You speak for yourself and your values regarding a partner. He should not rule someone out simply because you yourself would not date him and see him in the same light as a drug addict...he should absolutely give it a try and see...she may have more relaxed notions about this and see wonderful things in his personality and other values that she holds dear and shares with him. He won't know until he tries...and I certainly would not discourage someone from trying simply based on assumptions of a person without concrete evidence.

[Ariel85]

Every person is different. You can't speak for this woman because you don't know what other values she has. You speak for yourself and your values regarding a partner. He should not rule someone out simply because you yourself would not date him and see him in the same light as a drug addict...he should absolutely give it a try and see...she may have more relaxed notions about this and see wonderful things in his personality and other values that she holds dear and shares with him. He won't know until he tries...and I certainly would not discourage someone from trying simply based on assumptions of a person without concrete evidence.

 

It is HIGHLY doubtful that someone who values fitness and health is going to be attracted to someone who does not. Generally, a fit person will view a couch potato as slovenly. Same as someone who merely cherry picks their own idea of fitness would seem to take constant issue with those that genuinely LIVE a fit lifestyle and are in shape.

 

And I never said I view him as being a drug addict. lol. But, sometimes people have 20 pound chips on their shoulders that they can't see beyond. I get that. Makes me sad for such a person, but I get it. Jealousy is a horrible thing to live with, I would imagine.

[annie24]

well, 30 lbs overweight is officially considered 'obese.' medically anyways. i don't think it means that someone will be in the same 'league' or whatever as you. people have all sorts of different turn-ons. 30 lbs, depending on how tall you are, could be a little or a lot! for a guy who is 6'5" for example, 30 lbs over weight isn't a big deal at all.

 

as a woman, i have noticed that i get more attention from men when i am slimmer.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is HIGHLY doubtful that someone who values fitness and health is going to be attracted to someone who does not. Generally, a fit person will view a couch potato as slovenly. Same as someone who merely cherry picks their own idea of fitness would seem to take constant issue with those that genuinely LIVE a fit lifestyle and are in shape.

 

And I never said I view him as being a drug addict. lol. But, sometimes people have 20 pound chips on their shoulders that they can't see beyond. I get that. Makes me sad for such a person, but I get it. Jealousy is a horrible thing to live with, I would imagine.

 

I think the chip on the shoulder works both ways. I sense a lot of hostility and much judgement about looks in other posts of yours (comment about craigslist people are fat and have no teeth comes to mind). Words like "slovenly" etc are very angry, harsh words and I wonder where all this harshness is coming from..why so much hostility and assumptions about people simply based on poundage. There are slovenly thin people who look like a mess. What I am trying to do here is show the OP that he should NOT feel bad about himself and should NOT devalue himself just because SOME fitness buffs look down their nose on those who are not and couldn't care less. Not all fitness buffs have that kind of attitude and some do indeed look at the "BIG" picture of a person, not just one facet of their personality.

[itsallgrand]

Well one of the most important people in my life is a professional body builder. Am I one? Nuh uh. I am interested and stay up on my own personal fitness, but I have a much more relaxed attitude about it and am also a "foodie".

 

Even so, I've dated men who were much more into fitness (and much less) than myself.

 

If I saw my friend on the street and didn't know him from Adam, would it do any good to assume to he wouldn't be interested in me and my life based on the fact that he is so obviously into 6-meals a day, pumping iron and no room for mistakes? I don't think so. I know there is the possibility someone such as him wouldn't get on with me, but to assume it - no.

 

I just think you set yourself up to lose out on a lot of possible connections if you start putting people in categories too much.

 

So even if this girl he likes isn't a go - maybe they'd get on as friends, or he'd learn something, or whatever.

 

But what's the harm in trying when you see someone you think you'd like?

[amipushy]

I think the chip on the shoulder works both ways. I sense a lot of hostility and much judgement about looks in other posts of yours (comment about craigslist people are fat and have no teeth comes to mind). Words like "slovenly" etc are very angry, harsh words and I wonder where all this harshness is coming from..why so much hostility and assumptions about people simply based on poundage. There are slovenly thin people who look like a mess. What I am trying to do here is show the OP that he should NOT feel bad about himself and should NOT devalue himself just because SOME fitness buffs look down their nose on those who are not and couldn't care less. Not all fitness buffs have that kind of attitude and some do indeed look at the "BIG" picture of a person, not just one facet of their personality.

 

I agree.

 

To be honest I would much rather date a guy who is bodily overweight, than overweight in the head department.

[MD Geist]

Only an idiot would think your "Fat" I don't honestly see anything wrong with being 30lbs over weight.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What about the people who suffer from many medical conditions such as Arthritis, Spinal Injury, Hypothyroidism, Polycystic Ovary syndrome, Cushing's syndrome, Sciatica, Insomnia? (to name but a few) What about them?

 

And what about those who take steriods and prescription drugs for diabetes, seizures and migraines (to name but a few)

 

Are NONE of these people allowed to go out and enjoy a family meal on a special occasion with their families in peace without being viewed as repulsive?

 

Maybe the best thing for everyone would be that these people should wearing a T-shirts saying : "I'm not really lazy fat and disgusting, you're just ignorant to my suffering"

 

I have known people on Prednisone and they end up putting on weight because of it. Their face becomes rounded and puffy...the typical "moonface" which is associated with Prednisone.

[WorkingInLin]

Some people put on weight because of meds. Some have medical conditions that limit them from losing weight. It's not all because they're inactive and/or fat and lazy.

 

Ariel, I'd say you have a bigger problem than some of these overweight people. You have a bad and judgmental attitude.

[WendyO]

I have to side with Ariel on this one.

 

Fat people are out of control and most are rationalizing that there is more to life (like you Crazyaboutdogs and the Original Poster). In the meantime, healthy people are footing the bill for all the medical problems the fatties are causing the health care industry.