Back Together!!! (hopefully)

[Grant218]

OK, so here's what happened...

 

After less than a week of reestablishing NC, it slowly started to eat away at my ex and just staying busy and trying not to think about getting back together helped me tremendously to the point that it didn't really matter how things turned out because either way I was determined to be happy. That's one thing I can't stress enough about the importance of NC.

 

So, yesterday she sends me a few texts, which I ignored, and secretly loved the fact that she was trying to contact me. But I knew from past mistakes not to get too eager because it already backfired in the past. Then she called, and I seriously didn't mean to answer but I didn't look at my phone and she says that she feels horrible and wants to talk. I acted indifferent and upbeat, and said that I would listen but she insisted on meeting in person. I told her I had plans (even though I didn't) and MIGHT be able to talk tomorrow. She was a little upset that I wouldn't drop my plans to talk with her but she knows I don't owe her anything since she's still dating her rebound boyfriend.

 

Then today she calls with the same crap that she's depressed and had something important to tell me. I thought long and hard about it and decided that I would take the chance and meet up with her. I told myself that I would just act supportive but indifferent towards her and it could still help my chances. So we meet up and after a few minutes I ask her what she wanted to talk about and, after a brief pause, said that she wants to get back together. I hugged her and told her I wanted the same thing. Later on we talked more and she said she's serious about getting back together but just needs a little time to break it off with the new boyfriend which kind of bothered me but I told her I understand and would give her the time she needs. She also said she wants to get together Friday night for a drink but wanted to go to this bar out of town so that we won't be bothered by anyone we know. She did mention that the current boyfriend will be out of town for the weekend so she won't have to worry about being bothered by him but that kind of raises a red flag in my mind as to why it matters if he's in town or not. Suspicious...

 

I believe, or at least I'd like to, that she's serious about getting back together but I'm still treading very softly because I took a big risk and I know she will say just about anything to keep me around. But I do believe she's sincere and thinking more about it I believe she knows that if this is just another desperate attempt to keep me "on the sideline" that it will really blow up in her face in the long run which she doesn't want because she's been confused about getting back together with me from the start. So, a part of me is happy that she wants to get back together but I'm not letting my guard down until she's broken up with the rebound guy and we're official.

 

Since our meeting I've admittingly gone a little overboard with saying how much I love her and how I want to be with her forever just to make sure she doesn't have second thoughts.

 

Any advice?

[Wanted]

Damn, I mean...she decides to do all this the weekend her boyfriend is leaving town? I am on the same concern about that also, BUT you never know, maybe she IS serious? Which would be awsome man. I hope my ex would start feeling like that which i feel she will strongly. But like you said don't make or say anything official till Mr. Rebound is gone for good...and MAKE SURE he is! Just what i would do, you might get various points of advice soo....

[KT99]

Congrats Grant. Go in with your eyes WIDE open.

And tread very slowly.

[faithful14]

Congrats Grant! I have a question though, why can't she just break up with him now since she already has decided to be with you? I mean that way, she can go out with you on the weekend and not worry about who see you guys together. hmm weird.

 

but i don't want to burst this moment of happiness for you. So if she is sincere, then I'm really happy for you!

[Grant218]

Congrats Grant! I have a question though, why can't she just break up with him now since she already has decided to be with you? I mean that way, she can go out with you on the weekend and not worry about who see you guys together. hmm weird.

 

but i don't want to burst this moment of happiness for you. So if she is sincere, then I'm really happy for you!

 

You nailed my concern exactly! If she really wants to get back together why wait? I think it's because she doesn't like the idea of hurting mr. rebound since in all fairness he's innocent but come on! Why not just do it and get it over with?? I'm thinking about carefully saying something to her tomorrow to convince her that if she wants me there's no reason to wait. I can say that I understand how hard it is for her not wanting to hurt his feelings but if this is what she wants, why wait? Putting it off won't make it any easier.

 

Any better ideas on how to approach the subject without sounding like I'm putting pressure on her?

[faithful14]

i don't know if there is a tactful way to approach the subject without her feeling pressured. you could try something like ..."so how are things with "mr. rebound, have you talked to him yet?" or something like that.....whatever you say, just don't have an accusatory tone.

 

Wanted made a good point though, don't commit or make anything official with this girl until she ends it with this guy for good.

[Grant218]

i don't know if there is a tactful way to approach the subject without her feeling pressured. you could try something like ..."so how are things with "mr. rebound, have you talked to him yet?" or something like that.....whatever you say, just don't have an accusatory tone.

 

Wanted made a good point though, don't commit or make anything official with this girl until she ends it with this guy for good.

 

Thanks faithful. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid but I have a bad feeling about the whole situation. I'll talk to her tomorrow and let ya'll know what she says.

[faithful14]

no problem. don't want to put a damper on the reconciliation....just looking out for you. Good luck tomorrow!

[JohnGalt]

Sounds fishy to me.

 

I'd tell her that I would love to get together, but feel sleazy and inappropriate meeting her for the weekend while her BF is out of town. I'd tell her that even though we're planning on getting back together, it hasn't happened yet and that you wouldn't want another guy taking her out while she was technically with you.

 

Tell her to take care of things on her end and then you guys can progress towards getting back together.

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

1) She SAYS she wants to get back together with you.

2) She is not yet broken up with her rebound boyfriend and is not yet ready to break off with him because she claims she doesn't want to hurt him....and YET...she has no problem sneaking BEHIND HIS BACK to see you and declare her interest in you!

3) When she meets with you she wants to do so at a place where NOBODY SHE KNOWS will see the two of you....claiming it is so the two of you can be private!!

 

This is called playing both men for her own ego. If she REALLY had intentions of breaking things off she would have done so by now. She wouldn't be sneaking around with you treating you like her dirty little secret. Don't be fooled and I would suggest you not meet her at all. She is using you and she is using her rebound boyfriend. She is a total snake in the grass and while you have a few red flags popping up in your mind, sadly you are still willing to go along with this charade because of your feelings for her. Switch off your heart and follow your brain...SHE IS DECEIVING YOU AND SHE IS DECEIVING HER CURRENT BOYFRIEND.

[RobD70]

Since our meeting I've admittingly gone a little overboard with saying how much I love her and how I want to be with her forever just to make sure she doesn't have second thoughts.

 

Any advice?

 

Yea don't do this so much. Being too forgiving and too nice will make them have second thoughts. You run the risk of her trying to go back with the other guy later on if you make her feel too secure and he becomes hard to get. It happen to me.

 

You are more attractive if she thinks she risks losing you than if you are waiting on her. Keep that in mind. Just make her do some of the work and don't try to support the relationship by yourself. Getting them back is the easy part, making them stay is when it gets hard.

[ToodlePip]

Nooo.... No meeting, or getting back together, or doing anything until she breaks up with the other guy. And I'd go further and say nothing for at least 2 weeks / a month so she gets over him as well - who knows, she might start missing him and go back. I've been in this situation before and trust me, you need him out of the picture completely or he'll stick around like a bad smell. Then just dating a few weeks as well. Don't give her the sizzle without the steak!

[KT99]

I'm taking my last reply back and agreeing with this 100%. You even FEEL something is not right, so go with your gut. Don't make it so easy for her to come back. Just tell her that you've given it some thought and you want to hold off. If it's meant to happen waiting a while is not going to hurt your chances. After all ,she DID come back to you. Oh and one final thought:

How do you know she is breaking up with HIM? Maybe he dumped HER and you're getting her back by default. Two sides to every story. Remember that!!!

 

Good luck!!

[Grant218]

Wow. Such great insights on the situation!! Thank you everyone. I wish I would have read all of this before meeting up with her.

 

Here's what happened today:

 

I pick her up and we go back to my apartment. After a little joking around we go outside to smoke a cig and I knew that I had to approach her about the situation. I noticed that her body language hasn't been very open and warm toward me even during our meeting yesterday. But anyway, I carefully told her that I was thinking about our situation and it really doesn't do anyone good to procrastinate breaking up with her current boyfriend. She said that she understands where I'm coming from but claimed that mr. rebound is going on a trip this weekend and doesn't want to ruin it for him by breaking the news now. I told her if she just got it over with she wouldn't feel anxious/stressed about it and we could be finally be "official." She told me not to worry that it will definitely happen but she just needs time to think about what she will say to him so he doesn't get too upset will do it next week. We kept going back and forth for a couple more minutes and it was just making both of us aggravated because the whole thing didn't make sense to me, and she didn't like feeling pressured.

 

Finally I just said it was OK and she could wait until after the weekend, telling myself that if it doesn't happen, I'm gone for good. So we go back inside and I asked her if she would sit on my lap facing me so that I could hold her like I used to do. I don't know why I suggested it but she agreed and then we started kissing which got really hot and heavy and we ended up having sex! It was great and afterward she said "does that make you feel better about us getting back together?" I agreed and joked around about cheating on her boyfriend. Then she said that she's been annoyed with mr. rebound because he's always doing things with his friends and planning things out without asking her first. I told her that a boyfriend should make you his first priority and a relationship is about compromise. She agreed and we took a short bath together, flirting the whole time, and after that her body language was noticeably different. She starting cuddling toward me and showing more affection. We ended the "date" on a positive note and were both feeling much closer to each other.

 

Despite alot of positives in our meeting, I'm still skeptical of her motives and taking things very cautiously. I know that I can't give in too much while she's technically still with him but it's hard when I feel like I'm so close to getting back together and don't want to send her the wrong message and blowing it. I also know the whole situation sounds very different from an objective viewpoint which is why I really appreciate all the advice.

 

Skeptically Optimistic,

Grant

[brazilgirl21]

I haven't read it all but the first post but wow, be careful!!! I dumped my ex and he got with his rebound girlfriend. After a few weeks of chasing him and him saying he had moved on and wasn't in love with he finally gave in and said he loved me and asked for time to break-up with his gf.

 

Well, I gave him time, that became almost 2 months, I was forced to give him an ultimatum, he got back together with me, then eventually went back to her.

 

It has been the worse months of my life and I wish I had never heard this: "Give me time to break-up with my girlfriend" because THAT'S when the rollercoaster started.

 

I was 100% optimistic. I was POSITIVE we would work out. Well, look how well we worked out.

[Grant218]

Thanks brazilgirl, I'll definitely keep that in mind. When we were talking I even told her I sense something and have a bad feeling. She assured me not to worry but more and more people are confirming my suspicions.

[brazilgirl21]

I'm just worried because I believe if they really want to get back together with you, they will break-up with the person and THEN come back to you.

 

In my exes case it was different and I understand him a little better because I was the dumper, I literally told him to move on, but I mean, you did nothing wrong, she did.

 

I guess they get caught up with having "two" people in their lives. I know my ex loved having both girls chasing him, even though he said and I believe that it caused him pain to "choose" between us. I just think we have to be careful with rebounds and let it run it's natural course instead of getting in the middle of it.

[Grant218]

Yeah, I was doing great with NC until she said the words that I've been waiting to hear, "I want to get back together." That's when she regained the power again and got the attention she needs. She thinks she's an expert at manipulating me to get what she wants but each time she pulls me in and spits me out I get a little wiser.

[brazilgirl21]

Well, I did say I wanted to get back together and I really did mean it. So sometimes, we really do mean it =]

 

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here. haha

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know that I can't give in too much while she's technically still with him

 

Too late...you already gave it all up. You had sex with her and showed her that you are willing to be her dirty little secret, bit on the side. She has now proven herself to be a full-fledged cheater. I wonder if she will really break up with him. Even if she does, now that you see what she is capable of, how could you ever trust her? If she feels unhappy with you at some point, will she cheat on you?

[faithful14]

i think at this point you have made it clear that you really want to be with her. So it would be best (as to protect yourself) if you don't really see her until she ends it with her boyfriend. If you're giving her the benefit of the doubt and waiting till when he comes back from his trip, i would just sit back and watch what happens. Because if she doesn't break up really soon after he comes back, then there's your answer.

[JohnGalt]

Sorry to say this dude, but it doesn't matter if you're in or out of a relationship with this girl. She's gonna be having sex behind your back with other men.

[Grant218]

Yeah, I know I screwed it up (no pun intended) for myself by letting myself get pulled back in and then sleeping with her.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I understand your concern and I've thought the same thing, "If she cheated with this guy what would stop her from cheating on me?" Well, I would have to say it's because I firmly believe her plan all along was to get back together with me so she doesn't really care about her rebound boyfriend. Even though she doesn't want me to know it since that would give me an upper hand. We dated for 6 years and I was good to her. They've been together for 1-2 months tops. So, then the question is "why

would she drag her feet about breaking up with him if that was her plan all along?" To that I would say it's because when I decided that I wanted her back I begged, cried, and told her how sorry I was, etc. etc. And since she already had a rebound boyfriend who was simply the first person to fill that void from me leaving and also to make me jealous, she got a huge ego boost from me admitting I was wrong for leaving her and loved her. So instead of just getting back together she wants to toy with me awhile to make me really feel sorry for what I did and when I'm an inch away from moving on she'll "allow" me to take her back as if I'm no one special.

 

Another potential motive for her waiting is that if she sees I'm too content without her, she won't risk breaking it with her current boyfriend unless she knows it's a sure thing and i'm properly "broken in" so to speak. She has a laundry list of emotional problems, one of which is abandonment issues from her mom leaving, so when she clings, she clings tight and will do anything in her power to make sure that she's not single for any period of time.

 

You're right again, faithful14. When she tries to contact me again I'm going to tell her that I just have a bad feeling about the situation (which is the truth) without elaborating and also telling her that I feel too guilty going behind mr. rebound's back. The thing is, she will try desperately to manipulate me by saying something like "well, apparently i'm not worth it" or "obviously you don't really love me or want to get back together" and that's where it gets tough for me. Despite all her problems I feel like she's the one and I'm too afraid to play hardball with her.

[Grant218]

Sorry to say this dude, but it doesn't matter if you're in or out of a relationship with this girl. She's gonna be having sex behind your back with other men.

 

I honestly have to disagree. Even if I don't get back together with her I know she's not the type of girl to sleep around. I'm the only guy she's ever been with and she told that she and the new guy haven't slept together (which of course she would say that) but I confirmed it through several other people who told me that he's one of those really religious types who's waiting for marriage. Rare for a guy to wait, but my ex even said that his family is really strict and he's a virgin. No way to know for certain but my sources confirmed what my gut was already telling me. That being said, it still doesn't change the fact that my ex is crazy and vindictive.

[majord23]

The concern is that she chose to cheat rather than hurt the feelings of someone that she apparently doesn't care too much about. If I was put into the position that she was in - I would choose the path that maintained my values. Seemingly she has too....and she chose avoiding conflict over staying faithful. You are of the opinion that if she feels strongly for you then she will stay faithful and initially you might be correct.

 

But what about when you have a rough patch?

What happens if she starts calling your relationship into question.

 

Reflect on her values: Avoiding conflict over staying faithful.

Just how eager do you think she will be to avoid hurting your feelings?

I would say: "Very".

So, how far will she let things progress with a potential new suitor, whilst 'protecting Grant's feelings'?

 

It's when things head south - even momentarily - that you'll start reflecting on the events that have just happened. You might even find yourself paranoid and a little clingy with only minor justification - the kind of behaviour that can kill a relationship - because there will be a small part of you wondering whether you can trust her 100%. This will be compounded by the fact that your ex (as you have said) doesn't stay single for any length of time....so, she is possibly someone who sees nothing wrong with some 'overlap'. Just think about all of this Grant. For me, these are huge red flags - and I won't even start on the 'vindictive' attitude you mention in relation to her.

 

No one can predict what will happen and your ex might turn out to be the perfect, faithful girlfriend. I guess I'm trying to get you out of the 'fog' of getting back together and examine the facts and practicalities of starting/resuming a relationship with someone who you know is capable of cheating (even when it's cheating on someone that they have only known a short time).

 

You seem to be looking at this short-term and glossing over some of the issues that are screaming out to others on the board.