Back Together!!! (hopefully)

[Grant218]

Well, I finally decided that I've had the last sleepless night I can take over this and I sat down and sent this email to my ex:

 

"I can't do this anymore.

 

As much as I tried to ignore the red flags and even my gut, I can't keep lying to myself.

I know exactly what's going on. In fact, I've always known.

 

It's so obvious because it's the same game you've played on me over and over, the entire time we were together. And the pathetic thing is I knew exactly what you were doing and EVERYTIME you lied to me about some little thing I just let it slide because I kept telling myself you have enough problems and I was too soft-hearted to call you out.

 

You honestly think after 6 years together I would be so naive to not notice every time you lie to get your way or to get attention.

 

I've always known deep down the person you really are, and the person you try to desperately to hide from everyone else. That's the real reason i left, because I couldn't take all the deception and manipulation. You are so used to getting your way that nothing was ever good enough for you, and you just kept on pushing.

 

Then, after a few weeks apart, for some insane reason which I will probably never understand, I actually thought you'd changed. I thought about all the good times we shared together and actually made myself forget who you really are inside and what you are capable of. I gave up everything I worked so hard for only to find that the only person who had changed was me.

 

I sat back and watched you manipulate everyone around you and told myself surely she wouldn't do that to me; she loves me, there's just no way. People warned me and still I ignored them. And then I watch you cheat on your boyfriend and I know if you'll cheat on him, you'll just as easily cheat on me.

 

I could keep going but I'm not that cruel. In fact I'm actually going to do you a favor which you don't deserve. First, I'm telling you all this now instead of waiting until you broke up with your boyfriend so that at least you won't have to be alone (although, knowing you as I do, you probably had no intention of actually going through with it anyway). Secondly, I'm never going to say anything to anyone about the fact that you cheated on Andre, or reveal anything else contained in this email. So you can rest assured that you can continue your little charade and no one will ever be the wiser.

 

Your proabably asking yourself "why?" Well, it's simply because I'm not the type of person to seek revenge even when hurt by someone I loved.

 

All I ask in return is that you don't contact me again. Not to explain, Not even to apologize.

 

I know this is all seems like a shock to you but I've been wrestling with this for as long as we've been together and when I knew you had no intention of getting back together with me, I was simply going to let it go and move on with my life. But you chose to pull me in one last time just to fulfill your selfish needs and even though everything inside me was screaming "NO! STOP!", I let myself fall again.

 

I'm really not bitter or angry. All I ask is that you don't contact me again. Just take comfort in the fact that at least you still have someone."

[waveseer]

Wow, that was really good. Have you blocked each and every way she has of contacting you?

[Grant218]

No, but I will...

[waveseer]

Is it done yet?

[Grant218]

Can't block her number. She's called me 15 times in the past 5 mins and just said she's coming over. She doesn't know where I am though. Crap this is going to get ugly but I feel soooo much better for finally letting go...

[waveseer]

Does she think she knows where you are?

[majord23]

Grant,

I am in complete admiration of your clarity and strength in what is a very tough position to be in. I don't know of many people here that would be able to remove themselves from your predicament - seemingly close to reconciliation - and truly look after number 1.

 

Your email was perfect. Be prepared for a barrage of proclamations and promises from your ex as you have given her a few home truths that will no doubt have her rattled. Only you will know whether your ex is capable of change and that might be something you are willing to consider down the track.

 

Again mate, well done for standing up for yourself. Inspirational stuff.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good for you for telling this woman where to go! I agree with a previous poster that she likely has some personality disorder...and those people are a nightmare to deal with...they typically lack empathy and compassion and everything is all about themself. Please stay strong and don't get yourself roped in with her again...because to do so would just destroy your own sense of self.

[ScorpiGal83]

Whoa! Let us know what happens!!

[brazilgirl21]

Wow, that was good.

 

Your ex will probably freak out and want you back more than ever, but you know what's the best thing you can do? DISTANCE yourself. At least for a few months. Maybe after hearing all this she can change you know? Like I said, I believe she deserves a second chance as she's probably a good person with a personality disorder, which is not her fault.

 

However, with dealing with a MOM with a personality disorder I know the only thing that saved her: when my dad finally left her. All the therapists said that if he was still there to "clean" her mess she would never get better. When he left her, she got better. She's doing pretty well now. But I mean, my they were married for almost 20 years, nothing there could be salvaged. However, you and your ex are young, if you REALLY love her and you guys are meant to be, maybe letting her go now will be the best way to start fresh with her in the future.

[Grant218]

So after reading the email of course she called me about 20 times which I didn't answer. Then texts me saying she's coming over. This is all at 3:00am. Sure enough she shows up banging on my door and screaming. I was afraid of waking the neighbors and causing a bigger scene so I went outside to talk to her. She kept telling me how much she loved me and why was I doing this, etc. etc. I told her all I asked was for her not to contact me. She cried, cried, and cried trying to plead her case, saying her life was over. I said at least she still has the rebound boyfriend. She says she hates him and she's going to break up with him anyway. pffff, not likely.

 

Then, as predicted, out come the pill bottles. She opens one and says "it's not worth it, I hate my life, etc. etc." Almost instinctually I was going to take them out of her hand but I realized that's what she wanted. So I said "go ahead, take them all; but know that as soon as you do I'll just call 911 and they'll come, pump your stomach, and you'll have to explain to everyone what happened. Well that worked and she continued pleading with me. I finally left, telling her that I had to go to my brother's and she left too.

 

I honestly feel like all her pleading had an effect on me since she knows exactly what I want to hear. I did mean what I said in the email but I just feel guilty inside for some reason. It's going to be difficult for me to get through this since I worked so hard to try to get her back and there she was begging me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

All of her tactics are indeed designed to make you feel guilty. This woman doesn't know how to love because she has no love or respect for herself. A self-respecting person who loves themself does not behave as she does. She doesn't know how to conduct herself rationally so she does the hysterics and drama in order to make you feel guilty. It is a classic manipulation tactic. You need to be strong and NOT cave in. Over time, once you get used to NOT caving in, your guilt feelings will go away as you realize more and more that stable, loving people do not behave like she does.

[Grant218]

All of her tactics are indeed designed to make you feel guilty. This woman doesn't know how to love because she has no love or respect for herself. A self-respecting person who loves themself does not behave as she does. She doesn't know how to conduct herself rationally so she does the hysterics and drama in order to make you feel guilty. It is a classic manipulation tactic. You need to be strong and NOT cave in. Over time, once you get used to NOT caving in, your guilt feelings will go away as you realize more and more that stable, loving people do not behave like she does.

 

Thanks CAD, You're right. I need all the encouragement I can get at this point...

[KT99]

Grant I give you makor props for making this tough decision. You did awesome. hang in there!!!!

[brazilgirl21]

Grant - Please don't feel guilty! This is NOT your fault!!

 

You have to be strong in order to be happy and give her a chance to get over her issues and sort herself out. This girl needs help.

 

Seriously, the way she's acting, it's NOT normal.

[Grant218]

Grant - Please don't feel guilty! This is NOT your fault!!

 

You have to be strong in order to be happy and give her a chance to get over her issues and sort herself out. This girl needs help.

 

Seriously, the way she's acting, it's NOT normal.

 

Oh, by all means I realize that. The problem is the way I feel about her despite all of this isn't normal. :sad:

 

I have too much hope that people can change....

[Brownstone322]

Let me share a fresh take on this ... because I don't feel good about this thread.

 

Your first post came late Tuesday night, the 31st. You were enthusiastic about reconciliation. Then you were barraged with the usual advice (not necessarily invalid) that your ex was being selfish and manipulative. Then, by early on Friday the 3rd -- barely two days later -- you had convinced yourself (with help) that you should send an excruciatingly harsh e-mail containing lots of statements that are difficult to ever retract, including ...

 

"All I ask in return is that you don't contact me again. Not to explain, not even to apologize."

 

How does this happen so fast? Sage advice (and you got some of that too) would have been to move cautiously and give you and her a little time. That shoulda taken weeks, maybe months. We have nothing but time, really, especially when we're young.

 

You've gotten pats on the back for that e-mail, but if you really sent it out as you stated it to us, I suspect you will regret it. Confrontational and seemingly non-negotiable communications are something you deliver a few times in your life, and this shouldn't have been one of them.

 

There was room to work on this situation yet without resorting to brinksmanship.

[The_411]

Grant,

 

I want to congradulate you for your strength. 90% of people in your situation would have caved. The reason you feel guilty has do with her tactics of shaming you throughout the relationship and she used intermittent reinforcement to bond you to her.

 

Imagine you are a rat and each time you press a lever cheese comes out. Well even tually you'll get bored or too full so you press the level less and less and you may end up hating cheese and not pressing the lever at all. With intermittent reinforcement you press lever the first time and cheese comes out. You press it a second time ... but WAIT there's no cheese. So you press it again cheese you press it a 4th time and a fifth time no cheese.

 

If we know the result and it is the same everytime we get desensitized and bored, but the end result is wildly variable then we are enthralled because we crave the excitement from the chemicals your brain produces.

 

Right now I would recommend seeing a therapist because if your ex is someone with borderline personality disorder you more than likely have some level of post traumatic stress disorder.

 

Grant you seem like a very caring individual and that is a great attribute to have as long as you are not being abused , or taken advantage of, or manipulated.

 

Imagine a person who gives and takes but in his or her mind he/she only takes credit when he/she gives something to someone else, but when you give something to him or her they do not register it. That is what it is like being in a relationship with a personality disordered individual.

 

I would also recommend the book Stop walking on eggshells as it is a great way to recognize behaviors of a BPD spouse, partner, or ex and hope to deal with them.

 

The key here is to be thankful that you aren't married or with children and that youa re still young and can get out and about and meet people.

[Grant218]

Your first post came late Tuesday night, the 31st. You were enthusiastic about reconciliation. Then you were barraged with the usual advice (not necessarily invalid) that your ex was being selfish and manipulative. Then, by early on Friday the 3rd -- barely two days later -- you had convinced yourself (with help) that you should send an excruciatingly harsh e-mail containing lots of statements that are difficult to ever retract...

 

How does this happen so fast?

 

The reason it happened so fast is because I was such a pushover during our entire relationship and, in my mind, took the blame for it not working out When in fact, thanks to the help and support of people here along with too many sleepless nights of putting all my trust in her only to have my hopes smashed to pieces by her selfish and manipulative ways, I realized the she's the one with all the problems, not me.

 

So it was "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I mustered up the courage to tell her exactly how I feel and things that needed to be said a long time ago. I'm not going to apologize for telling her the truth. It may seem 'excruciatingly harsh' in your eyes but there was no needless mudslinging or profane derogatory remarks. It was the cold, hard truth and I feel no remorse for it at all. Perhaps she needed someone to finally point out that not everyone is fooled by her petty games and deceitful lines.

 

How can you say 'Confrontational and seemingly non-negotiable communications are something you deliver a few times in your life, and this shouldn't have been one of them?' She has a boyfriend and has been stringing me along just to get the attention from me that she's not getting it from anywhere else. You honestly think I should allow that to continue? It was way past due to put my foot down and let her know that she's hurt me for the last time and I will not apologize or feel regret for my actions.

[Brownstone322]

Sorry, dude, but I think your effort to slam-dunk her in writing was needless and immature. It just indictates that you still do care, and it comes accross to me as more posturing (first her, now you).

 

The adult thing to do would have been to play it cool and ignore her. Easier too. People who really have moved on don't resort to drama, because it'd be an oxymoron.

[The_411]

Brownstone, I am in agreement that drama is the last thing that needs to be fed, but Grant hasn't been seeking it out and has avoided it in spite of his letter.

 

It was probably a good thing for him and it could be a turning point for his future relationships, an awakening as it were.

[brazilgirl21]

I kind of agree that what Grant wrote was a bit too much. However, he has the right to express how he feels. What will be completely counterproductive is if you wrote that e-mail to get that reaction from your ex. IF you wrote it knowing how badly it would affect her and how she would come running to you and you would eventually have her back, than brownstone is right, it was not the right thing to do.

 

However, if you genuinely has NO intention on feeding her and her drama and HONESTLY want to distance yourself at least for 2-3 months then it was a valid e-mail and valid attempt.

 

Only my 02 cents anyways.

[Grant218]

I, in no way, wrote that email to get a reaction, to be cruel, or get her back. When I said that I didn't want her to contact me again I meant it and I said those things that I to prove that I am serious about moving on.

 

Yes, earlier in the week I would have taken her back in a heartbeat because I was in denial of who she really was and that she had changed since we were together.

 

She hasn't contacted me at all today and I feel great about it because I'm moving forward without her false hope. And if I had simply gone NC without saying how I feel she would continue to try to pry her way back into my life everytime she needed a crutch, and I have more self-respect now to be that person. Say or think what you will but I am moving on and not looking back. She still has her boyfriend and in a few days she'll convince herself that she's the victim and turn back towards him. And if/when she tries to reach out again I'm not going to rub it in her face or be rude to her. I'm simply going to do what I should have done from day 1 -- ignore her and move on.

 

BTW, brazilgirl...I have no intention of simply giving myself distance for a few months to assess the situation. The girl has serious issues and I wish her the best but it's not going to be with me. I feel like you are looking at the situation as if this was you and your ex, but this goes beyond break-up guilt and reconciliation. I mean come on, faking a suicide attempt (not just once!) to get her way. No one deserves to endure that kind behavior and I continue to stand by my actions.

[brazilgirl21]

Grant - I agree with you! I'm happy for you!

 

I only talked about the "months" because I mean, if you really, really love her and believe she can change maybe some months of her on her own, maybe seeking therapy, trying to be a better person, could help her you know? Like I previously said, I believe these people deserve to be loved too...

 

However, if you can let go, do so, it's probably the best you can do. Good luck, because I have a feeling she won't let go of you that easily... These people tend to be really manipulative to try and get their way. I hope I'm wrong and she respects your desire of NC and projects her emotional needs to her new boyfriend. You don't deserve this.

[faithful14]

Good job Grant! Took guts to do what you did. Good for you.