Back Together!!! (hopefully)

[spazmy]

Grant, you have done the wise thing. At the same time, I do want to say that even though you are moving on, this is not over yet. There will be days when you will reconsider your decisions. And there can be nothing wrong with that either. However, the manipulation begins to become tiresome after some time. And somewhere down the road, one just doesn't have the energy for negotiations. It is a pity that people can be so troubled with their past. My ex came from an abusive family, where the male parent abused her. While I feel so much much sympathy for her, I honestly don't know if supporting her is the right thing to do anymore. People, no matter what their past, have to take some responsibility for their actions. There are enough agencies and resources in society for people to take help. The first step begins with them seeking out the help that they genuinely need from professionals, and not from us poor lovers who only are qualified to give support and love as such -- but the deeper problems cannot be solved by us. It is arrogant to think we can solve problems, especially if those problems extend well beyond us, deep into their past.

 

Finally, one must hazard martyring oneself to the cause of another person's improvement, only when one knows that person has tried sufficiently. Even if they keep failing, if they have genuinely tried to sort things out, only then can one have any sympathy.

 

Short of that, being with them is an invitation to a dance of self-destruction.

 

Here, read my post today!

 

 

 

[Sweet Venus]

Grant, any updates on the ex?

[DieTeufelKatze]

I, too am curious if there are any updates...

 

Just read this thread from start to finish - I think you did the right thing. People who have a strong sense of self do not threaten suicide when confronted with potential abandonment. I struggle with abandonment issues (I have phone call/text bombed two ex's in only two incidences when they did something dramatic/assholish in a breakup, never more than 10 calls/texts, and I was drunk both times, lol), but resorting to tactics like threatening self harm and suicide is behavior that is absolutely unstable and falls into the "personality disordered" category. While it's understandable to become irrational when confronted with strong emotions, what your ex was doing was a clear attempt to manipulate you into getting what she wanted. I don't do snap judgments about personality disorders, but that behavior falls directly into the BPD symptom category. She is probably not full-on BPD, but has a few BPD-like sypmptoms that are WAY above the average person with quirks/neurosis. She's definitely not capable of a healthy relationship.

 

In order to have a successful relationship with someone, both you and they need to be emotionally healthy and stable enough. It is clear from your ex's actions that she is FAR from being in that place, and it was definitely the right choice for you to cut her out of your life for good. You may struggle with feelings of guilt, but that is natural, but in a purely logical sense you should NOT feel guilty. Pity her, sure, but from afar and don't feel sorry for her at the expense of your own emotional/mental health. You must love yourself first.

 

You have some hard weeks ahead, to be certain, but stay strong in your decision, and come here for help whenever you have a weak moment! Keep us updated...

[blackandwhite]

I realize that's a relatively old thread, yet I feel I have to say what I think, as, simply, the thread made me very sad about the whole situation and I disagree with some of the posters. I think this story is a perfect example of what one shouldn't do when attempting to reconcile (and I mean here: be more patient and understand the other person, also, see one's own mistakes).

 

I agree that this girl is not perfect and her behaviour was inappropriate, especially when she cheated on her boyfriend. I also agree that she may be immature/or may even have a peronality disorder.

 

YET, at the same time I strongly feel that the OP's reactions and his letter were very harsh. And I'd also like to say that there are two people to be blamed for the cheating. Yes, she cheated on her boyfriend, but the OP decided to have sex with someone who still was in a relationship. I wouldn't say she is to blame more than Grant is...

 

Second, the letter wasn't a good letter at all in my opinion. The OP changed his mind -- and he had every right, and maybe good reasons, to do so. But this does not mean he should have been so harsh. I realise that we often don't see how the language we use may be offensive and simply unfair to the other person - just pressing the "send" button too quickly. Yet it was in this case. The letter was packed with words that hurt - that's what I feel. And does the situation justify this? The OP still loved her. Then they both cheated. Then he got annoyed at her within just two days (and, I hate to say, possibly because of some of the advice given here - the advice was maybe ok, yet the OP just "overreacted") and he changed his mind 180.

 

Well... people do get angry and hit the roof, or begin to behave in irrational ways when they are treated unfairly. She was. She may have personality problems, yes she didn't deserve this. Maybe she still loved the OP - that's what she said.

 

If you change your mind about someone, you can leave. You can explain why. But even if one decides to walk away and discovers that the person they once loved isn't worth their affection - there is no need to be suddenly so harsh. The OP doesn't even know whether or not she intended to break up with her boyfriend. Probably she did. At least, he could have waited a few days. If not, he could just leave and simply say good bye.

 

She had every right to be hurt because of the letter - and I if I was the OP I would apologise to her.