THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[IAmFCA]

47/36/22

 

counting

confident

really? please.

 

48/37/23

 

A little more forensic work to do. Knowing it is still a topic helps keep me true to this exercise. A week from now, two weeks from now.... I don't know.

[IAmFCA]

When I first came to ENA, I was recovering from being in a love-addicted, co-dependent relationship. Really, I was recovering from much deeper losses than that one; the presence of the relationship was the symptom that made me aware how hurt I was. ENA was an invaluable therapeutic tool.

 

I used this thread then with some ambivalence. It kept me connected to the experience, even as I needed a way to hold myself accountable. The thread gave me a way to obsess.

 

Now, I have been keeping myself from paying attention to someone I want to date. And in my head, I think he wants to date me too. But if he wanted to date me, he would. His actions tell me his truth more than his words. So obviously, he doesn't and I need to stay away. He broke off the connection because my bully threatened him, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back: his past 6 months have been devoted to helping others, his own life is uncertain, his dating life was chaotic and unsatisfactory, and he was confused about his own choices. He needed time to fix himself. He was right. But all I am trying to hear is "I don't want to date you." That helps me close the door.

 

This time, I am not addicted or obsessive, and the thread is helpful. It has helped me see both how little time has passed since we last spoke. And also that time is passing. I looked back at an old count and realized that yes, day by day, I am leaving him alone.

 

After 30 days, I will give myself permission to reevaluate. It will be nearly Xmas, he will have had TDay and a birthday without hearing from me nor reaching out to me. Which is both a reason to leave him alone and a reason to call. If I still feel vulnerable, then I know I can't call. If I am cloudy about my decision, then I can't call. If it feels right, then maybe, and only maybe.

[IAmFCA]

dang it. I am pinging all over the place. after such an emotional roller coaster, where do I tie up?

 

oh, right, with me. I am my rock. I do not call you, you are not my rock.

 

blech. out out residue.

out loss of joy, loss of trust.

in, twinkle, that usually rests in my eye.

"myself" it speaks, for that I came

 

oh thank you Gerard Manley Hopkins for your beautiful works. Yes, yes I am the kingfisher, the Dragon fly, the rock in roundy well that tells it's name. Yes, yes I am. I will not be quieted. I will not cower to the haters, the jealous, the violators. I am here because there is no one here like me, and I will sing from high and low. like you, and you, and you, my voice is my gift.

 

i will not be quiet dammit! nor will I live in fear, rather in knowledge that others may try to own me, to stop me, to steer me in ignorance and defiance of my will. yet they will not, for I will not be moved, Sir. You own me not and shall own me never. stalk me here, read my posts, I have nothing to hide. but lie to me never again and leave my friends alone. for I will not hear you, so no lies can be told. truth tells itself, it's voice will find me.

 

Here me, Lord on high and sisters aside me. For I will whisper. and truth shall come forth. And in truth, we shall be moved.

 

in fairh I pray.

[IAmFCA]

49/38/24

 

look at the numbers click off. yay.

[sophi3]

almost a month

I've been closer to God because of this. I thank Him everyday, but it's now that I really get to focus on my blessings. I have friends who love me unconditionally. I have God who told us, "What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent". Things happen for a reason.

 

I still feel pangs of pain especially in the morning, and waves of sadness throughout the day. Some nights I dream of him. Other days I wonder if there is a better guy out there, or if that is wishful thinking. Then I go back to God and His promise. Or talk to friends to remind me that I should focus on healing before jumping to a new relationship.

[bumblebee]

Day 51.

I don't think of him anymore, only very rarely. That's a good thing.

I'm crushing on someone else.

[js0905]

Back on here, I don't even know what to say......

[firefly2613]

I just wanted to come to this thread and share one thing: no contact really is the way to go.

 

Nobody can tell you if it's going to bring them back. That's up to them. What it's for is you. And it really will make you see the thing that went wrong in your relationship; what they did wrong, what you did wrong. It will put you in a more logical state of mind if you STICK TO IT.

 

It's a hard road but it can be done.

 

I know, because I did it. And I was either a) left for another man or b) left because of GIGS. And she was also my first love.

 

Am I over her? No. And I probably won't ever really be because she WAS my first love. But, if I do want to try to get her back I am in a much better position, since I can now understand the only way to get her back is to let her go. Does it hurt as bad as it did? Not nearly.

 

I got my appetite back.

I made new friends.

I learned how to fill that "void" that she left.

 

Personally I think 30 days of NC is not enough. I am an advocate of 60 days. Today is my 59th day. Hang in there. It gets better.

[IAmFCA]

50 / 39 / 25

 

Who?

 

And if I think about it, yes,I dig it still. But where is the delicate breeding? The gentleman?

 

He is not good enough.

[Jimboboy]

Day 9 today, I miss her a lot. But I also feel way better. Because of the no contact she can't give me any false hope, so I wont be hurt..

[bumblebee]

Day 52.

Just when I thought I was completely over him, I broke down crying.

I feel horrible. I miss him so much.

[IAmFCA]

51/40/26

 

I am wanting to see him today, not missing him so much as wanting another bite at evaluating him/it.

 

Yet, still no desire to break the seal.

 

Maybe next week. Maybe not.

[Monkey ai]

start day one, I have been NC with him for 8 days, but yesterday he sent me a sweet text, I was not strong enough, we start a little conversation as below, I should not reply the text, but I was really missing him, I ask him to mail my stuff back to me two weeks ago, he never did, as I really do not want see him, I want to move on, unless he is willing see the therapist ….

what do you think about him through the text?

 

 

yesterday:

Him dog) says,"hope you're keeping warm!"

me: same to him too!

Today:

him: Haha. He is. He has two outfits total now.

By the way, are you available to meet for coffee today for a few minutes? Doughnut Plant?

me: hey, can I ask the reason for meet? it is too early for us to meet, too fresh…Ok.

Him: No problem. I'll drop off your stuff soon. Probably next week. Do you still have my iPhone 5 charger?

me: thanks for your understanding, as much as I love to see you and miss u...I will mail your iPhone charge to you soon, I will be home today, if you want drop off it is fine. stay warm!

[IAmFCA]

Argh. 4 more days, I can do that. But what's in my head, very frustrating. I feel I saw the worst in him. Maybe I didn't. Maybe that IS him. Pity. I am making choices. I guess in march if I no longer care then it will have solved itself.

[js0905]

Day 52.

Just when I thought I was completely over him, I broke down crying.

I feel horrible. I miss him so much.

 

I'm sorry about that =(

 

At least you have been strong for 52 days and that is a very good/hard thing to accomplish.

The longest I have been able to do is 28 days and now I'm back at day 6.

 

Hang in there and if you need to cry do that it does make you feel better sometimes.

[IAmFCA]

52 / 41 / 27

 

Feeling like I will ask him for a cocktail over the holiday. I want to see how he seems to me now.

[j92]

I never come on these boards, barely know how to use them! But I'm in such a tough place right now that I really need some support from people who are feeling similar to me.

 

I'm 21, and my boyfriend and I who'd been together for almost 5 years broke up about a month and a half ago and it's really hit me hard. We still love each other, which I think makes it harder. We've said we'll give it a few months or a year and see how we feel. It was one of those situations where we'd become too familiar with each other and it wasn't fun anymore. We've never really known anything else, and both agreed we needed to experience the world on our own for a while.

 

However, we've kept in contact the whole time, hung out and have inevitably slept together a few times. The other night, we went out with a mutual group of friends. He told me he still loves me so much, and of course I got upset. He was the one who instigated the break up, even though I've been contemplating a break for about 2 years. It's so hard to still be in love with someone when you can't be together right now. He keeps telling me "he can't not see me" but that we can't be together at the moment. This doesn't even compare to my parent's divorce, and I didn't think anything could. So last night I picked him up from work and went to his for a while, but he seemed kind of distant...I think he knew that us still seeing each other was hurting me. Last night, I realised this too. I texted him explaining that I think we need some actual time apart, because seeing him is very confusing for me and it's becoming harder for me to deal with. He didn't reply, so I don't know if he's just respecting my wishes or was offended. It feels like we're breaking up all over again...Anyways, I think I'll try this NC thing, as I don't see how us continuing seeing each other or sleeping together is going to help in the long run. So wish me luck! This'll be a toughie

[IAmFCA]

Today is a tough one. Not accomplishing much, but am cleaning up kids rooms...

[js0905]

Another day.......

[IAmFCA]

Another day.......

 

Good for you. That is how this works. With each day, we have achieved a new day. Pat yourself on the back for 7 days well done.

[IAmFCA]

53 / 42 / 28

 

OK, Monday Tuesday Wednesday..... then, permission to experiment.

[Jimboboy]

Day 11,

 

Just found out she is dating a new guy. They are in a relationship already..

 

It hurts, but I don't feel really bad about it. It explains everything to me.

 

I hope she is happy, and I am maintaining no contact.

[IAmFCA]

53 / 42 / 28

 

OK, Monday Tuesday Wednesday..... then, permission to experiment.

 

It feels hard again. Not hard like when I was wondering about love, addiction, abandonment, pain. But hard like, I still have the tape running in my head, wanting to call but not calling. Its distracting, and probably a little odd. I am literally forcing myself to wait till after Wednesday. Then I have two days of travel and three days of events, so that might get me into Xmas week.

 

One day at a time.

[js0905]

Good for you. That is how this works. With each day, we have achieved a new day. Pat yourself on the back for 7 days well done.

 

Thank you =)

 

One day at a time I suppose.

 

I know he will text me sooner or later but I need to ignore it and that is going to be the hardest part.

[IAmFCA]

JS, i am like you, I find it difficult to ignore. But then, others seem to be able to ignore us? Hmm. It's time we learn to be in control. No responding!!