BREAKING ALL THE RULES

[spatzcolumbo]

Guys,

 

Right, so last night at about 9 i sent her my message...something along the lines of "Hey thanks for lunch...it was great to see you again. Hope you had a good time, and don't worry about replying if ur poor hand hurts ;-). See ya soon x"

 

I've not had a reply, but thats ok because i told her not to reply if her RSI is giving her hassle!!!

 

I was thinking some more about stuff she said. One thing i asked was whether her parents had been up there this term. She said no and then immediately apologised because it means she still has a TV and rug of mine. She said otherwise i could have them back!!!

 

Now this in itself i should be taking as a bad thing - she still wants to give me my things back.

 

But then i thought to myself "i'm gonna concentrate on the positive stuff for once"...so i wrote down a few things:

 

1) She said several times that she WANTS to meet up again

2) She said she wanted to meet up for a bottle of wine or two and 'Friends' re-runs

3) (and this is not positive for her) from things she said, it is clear that her academic life has gone downhill since she left, the total opposite of what she expected to happen

 

I can take these three positives, and work on them. And i can also take a few other positives, and work out where i take it from here. She said she is busy next week, and so am i, but i may still try and push gently for a meeting. I'm not sure yet. If i leave it next week, then i am down to under 2 weeks before she will be back at uni!!

 

I think we will meet up at my place in a couple of weeks to watch some Films and stuff, but i am wondering what to do before that...do i ask her out for drinks next week, or leave it. She said yesterday that she needs to go into town at some point, and i work in town, so could ask her about that. She also said she misses football, which is what we used to go to together a lot, so i could try invite her to a game.

 

On the other hand, i could completely go for it, and i *could* ask if she fancies drinks this weekend, or even tonight, as my usual drinking mates are busy. otherwise it will be next week, when she has said she is quite busy!! So in short, i need to work out, do i do it tonight / tomorrow (or is this too keen), or do i wait for her to contact me, which she may well not do???

 

Any thoughts on this post??

[GeeCee]

We get into the habit of wishing our lives away. I had a good day at work today - very productive and very fulfilling and did not have time to think about the ex - this is a sign that I am dealing with it, getting used to it, or getting over him. But also, in the back of my mind, I am taking comfort from the fact that I shall see him again on Thursday, and this will be an opportunity to start the long process of winning him back.

 

Ok, the good news is that I am feeling emotionally and physically ready for this. I enjoy a challenge and am competitive - used to play tennis competitively when I was younger, and have retained that fighting instinct.

 

I have to be honest: part of my pain is the acceptance that he rejected me. You see, I think I have not hidden the fact that I have been a bit of a player before, and have never been rejected by someone that I have wanted before. So, really, some of the pain does come from the fact that HE LEFT ME!!! (If you are wondering, yes I am an only child - enough said!) I have also been of the belief that if I really wanted someone, I could 'push the right buttons' and have them. What a painful lesson this is!!

 

So, despite my melancholic post yesterday, I am fighting fit and looking forward to Thursday. I know all the stuff that I should/should not do. But to be honest, I have always been a rebel, and I think that we can ask for advice but ultimately we have to adapt our game to suit our circumstances. What has worked so beautifully for Danimal would not work for others. We know that. No contact works in some situations and not others. So, I will not be armed with an inflexible strategy and a rule book that covers every eventuality. Instead, I will go armed with what we usually throw out of the window in these situations - common sense and a good intuition.

 

Hmmmmm ... bring it on!

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

Truer words, I don't think, have been said since I have joined this site...

A lot of us saw our relationships slipping away so we panicked...got needy thinking...If I just show them attention they will stay...we threw out common sense and intuition...I gut feeling no longer served us well.

 

I am guilty of this, my ex had made hints I needed to give more attention, but until she started slipping from me, I took it for granted, so I over compensated, I made hasty decisions based on the things you see in movies, the things you watch and say that would never work or happen. And I pushed her over the edge...

 

Now, what do we have? Hopefully the ability to think rationaly to put our past failures to work, showing us what to do...I know this whether or not I get my ex back, I will never lose another to panic!

Excellent, uplifting post GeeCee!!

[Beec]

It is good to see GeeCee ready to GET IT ON!!!!!!!

[kathyk]

geecee you never got back to me. did you think about what i can do???? how do i contact him? just call on phone? i have a date again tonight with the guy that took me out last friday. remember i am in week 9 of no contact. you said to wait and not call him after seeing him in his car. maybe i should wait two weeks and see if he calls me first? he is a spoiled child from a family of one son and one daughter. he is the oldest but parents still cater to him.

[February]

WEll Guys and gals, G's approach seems to be the best one for me as well. My ex emailed me earlier this week. I waited an appropriate 2 and half days and emailed him back this morn' No more than 10 mintues later got a reply. Very nice, very cordial...blah blah, geniunely asked about me, which is something he never did right after we broke up. Ended his email w/ "God, got to get back to work, I'll write more later." So...did not email him back. I did send hima funny forward that I sent to all my friends, but I don't think that counts. It will jsut put in his mind oh...I should email her back again.

Well, don;t anticiapte getting another email today. But will wait to see if by next Wed. nothin' then I will email him back.

But good news ya'll!!!! I am slowing getting cotnact back (at least that is what seems to be happening.) If his effort level continues to rise, I may where G is, coffee and air kisses.

 

YEAH!!! Ta ta for now.

[GeeCee]

Hi Guys

 

I am on top of the world!! Really!! Today, my daughter had her 16th birthday and we all celebrated in big style although the mother of all parties is tomorrow! She is beautiful, intelligent and self-assured and I am proud!

 

Tonight, I sent a text to M saying OMG - I have a 16 year old!! Tell me something good, because I am feeling decrepit!

 

The reply, some 3 minutes later: If she is half the woman her mother is at your age then she and you should be proud! M xx.

 

Ooooh - I am sorry - I am going to read into this!! I insist on it!!! There is a slight hint at more than friendship here. He can see some good qualities - something that makes him stick around. I am worth it!!

 

I am sorry - NC is not the way for me any more than it is the solution for Danimal. YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT YOU, WANT YOU ANY MORE BY NOT CONTACTING THEM.

 

KathyK - pick up the phone and ask your ex about his car. Tell him that it looks good - take a risk - or cry for the foreseeable future.

 

Dikaia - I don't know what your current situation is - I am sorry - but go with your gut feel.

 

February - I don't need to tell you what to do - you know. But check your inbox.

 

Spatz - call her and invite her for a drink by next Tuesday - life is too short. Clarity of where you stand is more important than uncertainty.

 

Beec - you are right - I am in the zone!!!

 

G xx

[February]

Fantastic G,

Do you realize that you have started a little "Breaking the Rules" clique on this site? It is hysterical. With your success and with Beec's help, we are all taking a very different approach-I would like to hereby dub it the "Confidence Approach" We all know that at one time these ex's adored us. Worshipped the grond we walked on...so...what are we going to do? Whatever it takes to get that back. Some NC sprinkled with coy little notes and messages followed by delicious meetings where we look HOT and act flirty and confident - simply irrestible.

 

So glad you had a great day G. Fabulous!! I agree his note was flirty and insinuating something

 

So what's the news with the rest of you folks? I am home tonight b/c I have to get up early soooo...spill.

[Clevertrevor]

Hi there, I really admire the conversation that is going on here, it is inspiring to read about normal people dealing with real life, getting to grips with a mutually held goal (getting him/her back) and supporting total strangers. This process cannot help but make us better people, with or without the ex. There is a lot of humanity here, you should all be proud of yourselves, and I wish you all every success.

I hope you don't mind me popping my head in to ask you smart people (you know who you are) to have a look at my take on "Breaking The Rules": link removed and offer some thoughts; here's an update;

 

Last night, went out with some friends got a bit drunk and surprise surprise broke 2 weeks of no-contact. I sent her a txt along the lines of;

"Hi, I'm at (venue) in (location) watching (band) and their very f***in' funky drummer, wish you were here."

She was always keen on drumming, in fact I gave her drumsticks and drumming lessons for christmas last year. So I don't know about you, but I thought that was quite smart, y'know; broke the no-contact, but showed her I was out enjoying myself (which I very much was) and let her know I was thinking of her. And as an aside, part of me hates the game-playing; I think I've always been up for honesty and clarity, this feels a little bit dirty. Then again, the sentiments within the txt were 100% true, it's just the motivation behind it that troubles me a bit.

[GeeCee]

Now Clevertrevor ... I laughed at your post ... this is exactly the type of message I would send. Great stuff!! Sends two messages - I am out, getting on with life, and I have good thoughts of you every now and then. Nothing wrong with that. It was open, honest and inviting. Was there a reply? Need a little more detail.

 

G xx

[Clevertrevor]

Yes! Got a reply, and (not wanting to read anything into it no no not me) she rang me in her lunch-break; it wasn't a txt, and she waited until she would have had time to talk.

I saw her name come up on the phone, literally took a deep breath and relaaaaxed into it. She said she was jealous; "sounds like you had a better night than me, in bed by 9.30 with a book".

God it was nice to hear her voice. I was friendly, she asked me some stuff like "are you coming to my party?" I replied no because I will be working out of town, and I offered a few more details about what I was going to be up to that w/end, but not before she asked for them.

The conversational tone was OK, a bit wobbly at the end bit where you wonder if the other is going to 'say something'. We didn't.

 

So that is a result I think, I'm happy that I have integrity in this conversation, and after talking to some more smart women, I feel that love isn't the issue, like isn't the issue, it may be all about commitment. Now as a man I tend to not see stuff, and assumed we were on the same page, but when I think about a couple of events pre break-up, I am wondering if she decided that I couldn't commit. The events were a best friends wedding that we travelled overseas for, and another friends hen party the night before she left me. This may be a test, and I may be failing it.

 

So here is a situation where I think one has to be very careful with no contact; it should be carefully applied, or it may look as if I have written off the relationship and it obviously wasn't that important to me. Which is so not true.

 

Then again, what if she just wants to be friends? Well I shall pluck up the courage to call her tonight and ask her out for dinner or similar; something with alcohol in it anyway! What's to lose?

[ophelan]

Well, today would have been day 3 of no contact. I demonstrated my independence and ability to loosen up and live my life by getting thoroughly drunk at some club last night with some friends, and didn't actually end up back home until 10 this morning. Honestly, I still feel like crap. 8)

 

Anyway, she had left me a note not really saying anything important yesterday. I decided to cheat a little bit and respond by leaving her a note this morning. I apologized for causing the confusion in her life, and asked if she'd like to talk. I know, I know. What can I say, I was hungover and not thinking clearly. I ran into her shortly after she read it (looking for water or something) and she said she wasn't sure what there was to talk about. So, I decided to leave her ANOTHER note (basically asking her not to get into a serious relationship without giving ours a chance...there, I have repented my no-contact sins for the day). Then I went back to bed for a while, she read the note, we chatted for a couple minutes when I got up (she is very disappointed she missed seeing me in my drunken state last night; I am usually NOT a heavy drinker). She liked the fact that I loosened up enough to do that, and was really surprised. Anyway, the conversation was positive, we enjoyed each other's company for 15 minutes, and she suggested that if I don't mind staying up late, we should try to hang out one night after she gets off work this week and watch a movie.

 

She left, and I was rather happy that I dealt with her contact without getting all clingy and begging like last week. On her way out, she mentioned that she was thinking about what I said in the note (basically, don't get into another serious relationship) and asked me to read my email:

 

 

 

So, in my biased opinion I feel that even though I broke the rules today, I feel like I have made progress. Opinions?

[GeeCee]

Hmmmm ... Ophelan - I am crowing a bit here ... no contact has a small part to play in winning back your lover - it is a strategy, but there are many. DO NOT RELY SOLELY ON IT!!! You have to use a whole lot of options to win any game - not just one.

 

I am sooooo happy for you - now use this step forward widely. No over-confidence - this is the first of many battles. Easy does it now.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Geecee

 

Not got much time so just catchin up on your posts...Glad to hear your news...hope it means something!!!

 

I called mine earlier...but it rang off after a while to voicemail, so i left a message asking her a question about something i wanted to find out about (something she was telling me about the other day) and then said if she fancied going for a drink tonight to give me a call. That was 2 hours ago, and i've heard nothing

 

Oh well, i'm still planning on getting together with her sometime next week. I hope.

[Spartan1]

Hi GeeCee and everyone. Bit of a late arrival here. Just read all 104 pages.

 

Very happy to see some positives going on! Congrats on your daughters birthday GeeCee and the fact M sees some good qualities is half the battle.

 

In the way of advice, I can only offer a little and it's probably off topic anyway

 

Smile and remember the following:

 

Watch your thoughts for they can become your actions,

Watch your actions for they can become your habits,

Watch your habits for they can become your character

Watch your character, for others may percieve you not as you percieve yourself

 

I suppose, what I am trying to bring to the party is, when you speak to your ex or see them it is VERY VERY easy to bring up the relationship - or lack there of - don't do it. Just focus on your own happiness and confidence. And, if you are like me you can give out tons of good advice and then totally ignore it when it comes to the actual moment!

 

When I met up with my Ex for the first time after NC we had a great two hours at the pub, she was happy, I was happy to see her while inside frustrated that we could not be with each other like we used to. When the rejection came instead of smiling and walking away I went down the line of can we not work this out? See a councillor, take things slow and so on. The usual stuff. Needless to say it all went spectacularly pear shaped! (in American that means it went wrong big style!)

 

GeeCee you have done wonders lass and so has everyone that has posted on this thread. You have to do what works for you and that is what you are doing. You are playing your own game with your own rules and it looks promising.

 

I hope and pray it all works out for you and everyone here.

 

If it is any consolation to anyone here.

 

Nothing, and I mean nothing upsets a dumpee more than when the person they have dumped acts happy and over it. Act it for a while if you have to but later live it, through any means (legally) that you can.

 

When I collected the last of my stuff from the house in November my wife asked if I had met anyone new. I smiled, told her, I was dating again, was working out and was making the best of a situation I did not want to be in but I would come back twice as strong. She had tears in her eyes and I could see she was trying to put a brave face on things even though she was the one who wanted a quick divorce. Needless to say, my thoughts were all over the place while in that situation. For once since the break up I felt I had some power over me and my life (of course, as with all positive things, I gave that power away in the days that followed - something else that is to easily done due to your own mind playing tricks on you)

 

Of course, I was on the rebound and by that time 4 months had past and she was set on divorce. I broke up with the girl I was seeing because I realised I was on the rebound and it was not fair on her. But the reaction was not what I expected from my wife who had been so cold towards me. I read into the situation, drew hope from it, a few days later told her I had broken up with the girl. Did it matter to my wife? She had fought back tears, surely it would turn things around?

 

Reality check. The following week, a bucket of cold water came in the form of a solicitors letter asking for divorce which woke me up to one fact and one fact alone:

 

You have to do it for yourself. Play all the games you want but you have to be true to yourself. Look for the positives in the replies you get but work on yourself all the time. Don't let them decide whether you will be happy that day because they did or did not reply to your text. It's hard. It takes emotional and mental strength but everyone can do it.

 

I have great admiration for anyone who has dealings with their ex regularly after the break down of the relationship and still wants to get back together and putting a brave face on things. You can do it folks! Win them back and show them what they are missing!

 

Good luck to you GeeCee and everyone. Apologies if I rambled and went off topic. Sometimes my brain only clicks into gear after I speed typed two paragraphs and edited the post 26 times for spelling erros!

[GeeCee]

Thanks Spartan!!! Wow!! 104 pages in one sitting!! You are a glutton for punishment.

 

I will keep this advice in my head when I meet on Thursday. What I find especially difficult, when I meet up with or speak to M is that it really is just like it always was!! There is no resentment, anger, angst on the surface. Of course, I might feel those things - and I kind of come armed with some kind of strategy, expecting him to be closed off. However, we meet up and it is like we are still dating. The conversations are the same, the looks are the same, the laughter is the same - it is still a very passionate and sensual relationship (even before the sex!!!)

 

Speaking of which ... can't deny that the S word has cropped up from time to time, with regard to my thoughts about Thursday!! Shall be aiming for a no-sex date, I know that he will not expect that. I WILL DO MY VERY BEST!! But Beec, Spatz, Majord, Spartan1, if you met the guy, you would want to shag him!!

 

So, prim and proper it is then ... movie, drinks, home alone!! (And this is what I was in a rush to be an adult for?? I could do all of the above when I was 12!!).

 

Jokes aside, I am looking forward to the next round on my roller-coaster. I am going to skim The Art of Seduction yet again, to polish up my moves - going for the domesticated goddess with a hint of a wicked glint in her eye persona. The poor bugger won't know what hit him!!! (I hope!).

 

Any last words of advice would be welcome guys!

 

G xxx

[ophelan]

Good luck on your date, GeeCee. Glad to see things moving in a positive direction for you!

 

I am so depressed today; I hauled butt out of the apartment before she got back from her morning run so she wouldn't see me like this. And I left her a note asking her not to read the email I sent yesterday night (which probably delved too much into relationship crap, and just isn't what she needs to be reading right now). Of course, there is a decent chance she will read it anyway (I know I've done that before; sometimes it is nice to see what a person was truly thinking before they found the need to censor themselves...I just never let such an email influence me directly)

 

Honestly, what is bothering me the most right now is the guy she has been dating a bit. I know him as well (not friends really, but I know him), as does another good friend of mine (who I've talked to quite a bit about this, as he is a close friend of both Sarah and I and has both of our interests in mind). He seems to think this guy is just a flirt, and just likes to have fun and never have a serious relationship. I'm just worried about the whole thing, and have this feeling of despair that I'm never going to have another chance with this girl again. She just doesn't need a bloody serious relationship right now. And this guy is *beep*ing with her head even more and confusing her even more.

 

Ophelan

 

Edit: Tis funny, it seems like every day I either feel like things are dramatically improving, or hopelessly lost. In reality, things are probably changing very slowly. Such is emotion, I suppose.

 

Edit Again: I should also add that my friend is also good friends with the other guy, so I should probably listen to his opinions on him. I'd really like him to talk to him, but I would feel wrong asking him to.

[Spartan1]

Last words...

 

Remember how much you want him at the moment - you want him most when you cannot have him. That is human nature and you have to reverse that.

 

Your success is based on reversing this situation.

 

Go with your stratege and stick with the no-sex thing. He has to see what a wondeful sexy woman he has given up and then mentally kick himself for doing so. Your unavailability, confidence and subtle flirting can be a leathal combination as long as you don't go all needy which is very easy to do when sitting with someone you love and trying to win them back.

 

Remember, if things develope there will be plenty of times to roll in the sack if the relationship gets back on track.

 

Again, this is all stuff you know but hearing it from others is always a comfort.

 

Either way, best of luck lass!

[GeeCee]

Ophelan - sorry you are having a bad day - this seems to be normal, rational behaviour on this site - up one minute, crashing down the next.

 

It will be better tomorrow.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Thanks Spartan!

[LostinVan]

Gee Cee - the thursday plans sound awesome. Remember that chastity belt though girl... as much as I hate to say it, sex is probably your most potent weapon here right now. Flirt, tease, seduce, but as Beec says, know when to pull back, know when to close the lid to the cookie jar. You have the power girl! Go get 'im!

 

LostinVan. Still wishin' he had a an actual date planned, but hey, things are sort of looking up.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey all,

 

So then...where does everyone stand on this Monday morning??

 

I'm deciding on my next move after asking her out for a drink at the weekend (but failing due to getting her voicemail, and then a reply 3 hours later - too late for a drink). She said "sure i'll speak to you soon" so i guess i have to wait for that, even tho i feel it could just be words / empty promises.

 

I also bumped into her parents on Sunday, which for some reason set me back even more than seeing her. I have NO idea why, it really was strange. Made me feel really negative about things for most of yesterday evening!!

 

Anyway, thats where i am at the moment!!!

[majord23]

spatz,

Hang in there mate. You are in a highly vulnerable position (emotionally) at the moment. She is in town, you feel as though you are pushed for time...and you are encountering reminders of her (parents etc.). I can understand how you may feel down at the moment.....don't despair yet bro, it is only early days and your actions should not reflect your emotions.

 

Your decision to wait for her to contact is the the right one at the moment. As you are rushed for time, I would possibly wait until Wednesday/Thursday before *you* consider contacting *her*.

 

A simple "Fingers still not working? ;-) " text would be a light-hearted approach you might consider.

 

GeeCee: I have one piece of advice, and one only....Do not under *any* circumstances sleep with M (unless it is preceded by a proposal!).

 

You slept with him last time....your situation, and his behaviour didn't change a bit. If you sleep with him again, it is going to stay the same again.

 

This man means more to you than sex. Forego a night of meaniingless (and in the big picture it *IS* meaningless) sex, in order to take the first step in making yourself seem less available.

 

Less available = more desirable.

 

Don't tell him why you won't sleep with him....just tell him "because it's not right"...and let his imagination be his downfall.

 

Trust me on this one thing GeeCee...if you don't sleep with him, you will notice a marked change in his attitude towards you, and it will be a good one.

[spatzcolumbo]

You're probably right majord. Just killed me seeing her parents, and taht kinda threw me a bit cos i wasn't expecting THAT to make me feel bad!!!

 

I jsut hope that her promise that we would meet up for a bottle of wine WASN'T just empty promise!!!

 

But like i say, i just have a gut feeling that it WON'T be her that calls me!!!

[GeeCee]

 

GeeCee: I have one piece of advice, and one only....Do not under *any* circumstances sleep with M (unless it is preceded by a proposal!).

 

You slept with him last time....your situation, and his behaviour didn't change a bit. If you sleep with him again, it is going to stay the same again.

 

This man means more to you than sex. Forego a night of meaniingless (and in the big picture it *IS* meaningless) sex, in order to take the first step in making yourself seem less available.

 

Less available = more desirable.

 

Don't tell him why you won't sleep with him....just tell him "because it's not right"...and let his imagination be his downfall.

 

Trust me on this one thing GeeCee...if you don't sleep with him, you will notice a marked change in his attitude towards you, and it will be a good one.

 

Thanks Majord - I know I know I know. I am feeling nervous and excited. Am re-reading the Art of Seduction (again!!!!). Shall be ready by Thursday.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Spatz - know that you are hurting. Will talk to you tonight. Hang in there - this is a really difficult time for you - don't blow all your hard work. You could be thinking of making contact by Wednesday if she has not.

[Clevertrevor]

Where I'm at is that I sent the drunken but clever (I'm having a great time, wish you were here) txt on Friday night. She phoned me on Saturday in reply to my txt, it went OK, it was a bit wobbly at the end when each party wonders if the other is going to say 'something', which we didn't.

Then had a chat with some more ppl over the weekend to get their opinion of the situation, and most seemed to agree that my ex is sending me a message, which simply put is this;

-prove to me that you can commit-

 

What do you think? Should I set up a date this week, or wait a bit, and give her a bit more of the old NC? It's not like I'm going to pop the question, I just want to find out really what's going on in her head.

 

GeeCee- don't give it up (yet).

 

And ex-parents, yes, that is tough; you ask yourself questions like; why won't they help me? Did they ever like me? Will I ever see them again? I miss my ex's mother. I called her after we broke up and had a bit of a boohoo over the phone with her, she's on my team I think. Anyway, your best option is to chill for a few days, think big picture, keep your eyes on the prize.