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Clevertrevor

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  1. Clevertrevor
    Hi there G and crew, Sorry I have also been having to avoid posting at work; I also feel like I'm being watched at the moment with regard to non-work internet use, so... I am feeling lucky at the moment, the ex and I have been dating and enjoying it; in 1 year we have gone from living together in our home town to being apart in a big foreign city, but we're coping quite well now. It is exciting and scary, and if you had told me 2 weeks ago that this would be happening I would have smiled through my tears and told you to get real. And I am not out of the woods yet, but I hope my story will give you hope and maybe a hint of inspiration. I went through a similar breakup almost 5 years ago, and it nearly killed me. Lots of drugs, alcohol, tears, 1 wrecked career and a diagnosis or 2 later I came right, stronger and better and more alive to being alive than before. So when it happened again, I said to myself "right, I know how this works, I've been here before, I can handle it, I will be a man about it" etc etc. And I was wrong and right, because it was the same, but different. For starters, I knew that this time round, this woman actually cared about me, and I knew that I truly loved her, and so even if I couldn't be in love with her I could still love her. So I did. And every time I saw or spoke to her, I WAS THAT LOVE. Now, I don't know if it made a lot of difference to her perception of my self although I'm pretty sure it did, but here's the thing; it sure as hell helped ME. I commend this idea to the Me generation. If you are thinking about playing games, go hang out with a g of whizz and your PS2. Later, trev.
  2. Clevertrevor
    Don't listen to the evil ones G; keep those legs crossed. Wish I had done the same last week… trev
  3. Clevertrevor
    Sincerly, I don't know if I would let her see the letter. It is a spill, and if you are being honest with yourself, wouldn't you say that letting her see it is a way to invoke pity and guilt? Euuch. That is no turn-on. You sound great in other areas of your life, and this letter sells you short, it sounds a bit whiny. Sorry, please don't be upset, I'm just trying to be straight with you. What is it that you want? If you want her back, get in action. You know what this means to you. Think hard about what in her life with you was missing, and speak to that. But take your time. trev.
  4. Clevertrevor
    And to offer hope to you all, here's a brief run-down on my date; 1. Arrive at flat, get kiss on side of mouth; she was aiming for the cheek, I was aiming for the mouth, so yeah, that's a really really good start. 2. Dinner, chat, being cool, happy, friendly, absolutely no relationship stuff at all. 3. She wants to keep talking, we have a cup of tea at hers, still no relationship stuff. I am listening, listening…it's killing me, I want to get to the core of things. 4. I break down over something non-relationship, grab my coat and go to leave thinking 'f*!> it! Yeah really good exit nice one fella' 5. She forcefully tells me to SIT DOWN, which is unlike her, normally she would have let me walk without a comment so, somewhat surprised, I complied. 6. We kind of get to the beating heart of things, get a bit emotional, but I'm keeping my head, not begging. In our roundabout way we learnt some stuff, and during the conversation she asked if I would stay the night, I declined 2 or 3 times, then I said OK then but no funny stuff. She says "Of course, no funny stuff" 7. Funny stuff. How do I feel? Slightly manipulated, I think I gave it up dishonestly. But happy in the knowledge that I am sure we both had breakthroughs in our communication and understanding, and meeting with her helped me get clear on what I want. I am still clear on my goal of creating a new relationship with this woman. This my friends, is an illustration as to why BREAKING THE RULES is so important. But you know what else? Here's what an old boss of mine used to say: "Clevertrevor, you've got to KNOW the rules before you can break them" Later, Trev.
  5. Clevertrevor
    Well, actually it wasn't just G and me...heehee.. Can I just say as an aside that I have never been in a forum environment before. I have observed a few and have always been totally put off by the complete and utter drivel, lack of communication and general unpleasantness that clogs the pages of these so-called communities of socially-retarded doorstops. Except for this one. Once again, I am present to the awesome possibilities when people are authentic with each other, and that is no mean feat when all we have to communicate with is a keyboard. It feels like a blueprint for a new kind of on-line community. One where ordinary people can share, and gain insight into their own and other's lives with respect and care given through the establishment of a high level of trust. So I thank all of you, and the Moderators and experts especially. And nobody paid me to say this, and yes I'm having an OK day, and my heart goes out to those of you having a bad one. Can I offer this pearl of wisdom; "insert trite saying here"
  6. Clevertrevor
    Crikey! I leave you lot alone in the same forum for 5 minutes and...and...THIS happens! A seething hotbed of depravity, immorality and naked, writhing, sweaty..ooh...err...gotta go- All I will say about MY night is...oopsy daisy...
  7. Clevertrevor
    Phew Sincerly, Actually I think you are doing great. You talk about being unable to see, but in fact your vision is no longer clouded by fear. Stand up and walk the walk my friend. Feel the earth between your toes. You made it. Now that you can see again, ask yourself what you want. And give up the future talk (for a while). Be happy in the now, take a look around at your new life and acknowledge your greatness.
  8. Clevertrevor
    I don't know if I can do this. I think I will cancel tomorrow. I'm a wreck. I managed it well the first time we met post-breakup; this just feels too heavy.
  9. Clevertrevor
    So, let's just all act natural alright? Good Luck G! My problem is going to be keeping my head on straight. And not blurt anything. Had a bit of a bawl before; important safety tip; don't blub while your on your scooter. So I am using the following mantra: I AM GOING TO BE FUN. I DO NOT NEED ANY ANSWERS. I ROCK. I WILL LISTEN. AND I WILL GET HER BACK. EVENTUALLY. Sheesh. Makes it hard to move on though, if that is necessary. That's why I wanted to talk relationship stuff, so I know whether to continue moving on. I guess she'll tell me tomorrow, and if she doesn't, then I won't ask.
  10. Clevertrevor
    God I couldn't agree more; I just edit the sad songs, fast forward asap. And hopefully I will fast forward into the future. I'm having a really bad one, sitting at my desk literally holding back the floodgates; luckily I have a cold, (strange luck but whatever) so red watery eyes are not unusual. And, I have a date tomorrow, we are friends, but I don't know how I'm going to be strong enough not to 1.break down in front of her 2. be cool enough to be the guy she fell in love with (and in fact IS still in love with) 3. but also have her see that I would have her back immediately. Talk about a tightrope. I am going to keep MajorD's "Feeding The Bird" analogy front and centre in order to regain some control.
  11. Clevertrevor
    Does anyone remember them?
  12. Clevertrevor
    And G, I look forward to being in your position soonish. Use The Force wisely you will. We will have a lot to post about on Friday I feel. Here's a mental tip for keeping calm; I use it when going through Customs at an airport (not that I have anything to be worried about, I've never had to spread 'em- touch wood) It's simply to think Gray. Think of the colour, think of whatever that means to you, but think GRAY, and keep thinking it.
  13. Clevertrevor
    OK got it. Am going to...FEED THE BIRD! Thanks MajorD, I love that. It's a great mental image to keep in front of mind when your brain is melting. Beec reckoned a fun casual date is the best idea, it's hard when you just want to jump ahead to the good stuff. Like, I'm thinking how can I get her to go away to the seaside for Easter, but I know that's too much too soon. Isn't it?
  14. Clevertrevor
    Well, I called her, and found that her Saturday call had left her feeling like I hadn't enjoyed talking to her. Geez, and I thought she was the bad communicator! So that was bad right? Anyway, got a date, Thurs night. Phew, this is hard, but as danimal said, "I never gave up on her" So its not that she doesn't love me or doesn't like me. It's that she can't see our future together; it was getting too hard. I spoke to her Mum today to sound out what the ex said to her Mum about us. Turns out she said it's over, it's definitely over, no looking back. She also said something a bit odd; in essense, it was that the destination (marriage) was going to be good, but the journey wasn't worth it. She still wants to be friends, there has been no post-breakup drama, in fact I have I think been surprising her with my calmness. So, there was no big bad thing going on between us, in fact I think her thing was it seems that she couldn't see us together, she couldn't see a shared future. Our recent past has been lacking in vision, and I hoped that this year would be our great year together, (the ingredients were there) but I guess we weren't communicating effectively recently. So how do I speak to her NO? How do I have her understand that things will be easy & fun from now on? To renew the relationship? Or do I just turn up with a ring? HELP!
  15. Clevertrevor
    Hey Rich, Stand strong! What's 4 days in the big picture? Be the man you have rebuilt yourself to be. Leave her to think about the good experiences you have given her recently. You have laid the foundations, now let her do some building. Bit of a dodgy analogy I know, but remember there are 2 people in this game, don't be afraid to let her have a play; I am sure you'll get the result you both want. Consider it a tactical withdrawal. Now get out there and GET BUSY! Then give her a call next week to ask what's up, check that she's OK; that's what I think from up here in my Ivory Tower. (Re-posted because I messed up the edit function)
  16. Clevertrevor
    So do you think I should I set up a date this week, or wait a bit, and give her a bit more of the old NC? It's not like I'm going to pop the question, I just want to find out really what's going on in her head.
  17. Clevertrevor
    Where I'm at is that I sent the drunken but clever (I'm having a great time, wish you were here) txt on Friday night. She phoned me on Saturday in reply to my txt, it went OK, it was a bit wobbly at the end when each party wonders if the other is going to say 'something', which we didn't. Then had a chat with some more ppl over the weekend to get their opinion of the situation, and most seemed to agree that my ex is sending me a message, which simply put is this; -prove to me that you can commit- What do you think? Should I set up a date this week, or wait a bit, and give her a bit more of the old NC? It's not like I'm going to pop the question, I just want to find out really what's going on in her head. GeeCee- don't give it up (yet). And ex-parents, yes, that is tough; you ask yourself questions like; why won't they help me? Did they ever like me? Will I ever see them again? I miss my ex's mother. I called her after we broke up and had a bit of a boohoo over the phone with her, she's on my team I think. Anyway, your best option is to chill for a few days, think big picture, keep your eyes on the prize.
  18. Clevertrevor
    Yes! Got a reply, and (not wanting to read anything into it no no not me) she rang me in her lunch-break; it wasn't a txt, and she waited until she would have had time to talk. I saw her name come up on the phone, literally took a deep breath and relaaaaxed into it. She said she was jealous; "sounds like you had a better night than me, in bed by 9.30 with a book". God it was nice to hear her voice. I was friendly, she asked me some stuff like "are you coming to my party?" I replied no because I will be working out of town, and I offered a few more details about what I was going to be up to that w/end, but not before she asked for them. The conversational tone was OK, a bit wobbly at the end bit where you wonder if the other is going to 'say something'. We didn't. So that is a result I think, I'm happy that I have integrity in this conversation, and after talking to some more smart women, I feel that love isn't the issue, like isn't the issue, it may be all about commitment. Now as a man I tend to not see stuff, and assumed we were on the same page, but when I think about a couple of events pre break-up, I am wondering if she decided that I couldn't commit. The events were a best friends wedding that we travelled overseas for, and another friends hen party the night before she left me. This may be a test, and I may be failing it. So here is a situation where I think one has to be very careful with no contact; it should be carefully applied, or it may look as if I have written off the relationship and it obviously wasn't that important to me. Which is so not true. Then again, what if she just wants to be friends? Well I shall pluck up the courage to call her tonight and ask her out for dinner or similar; something with alcohol in it anyway! What's to lose?
  19. Clevertrevor
    Yes! Got a reply, and (not wanting to read anything into it no no not me) she rang me in her lunch-break; it wasn't a txt, and she waited until she would have had time to talk. I saw her name come up on the phone, literally took a deep breath and relaaaaxed into it. She said she was jealous; "sounds like you had a better night than me, in bed by 9.30 with a book". God it was nice to hear her voice. I was friendly, she asked me some stuff like "are you coming to my party?" I replied no because I will be working out of town, and I offered a few more details about what I was going to be up to that w/end, but not before she asked for them. The conversational tone was OK, a bit wobbly at the end bit where you wonder if the other is going to 'say something'. We didn't. So that is a result I think, I'm happy that I have integrity in this conversation, and after talking to some more smart women, I feel that love isn't the issue, like isn't the issue, it may be all about commitment. Now as a man I tend to not see stuff, and assumed we were on the same page, but when I think about a couple of events pre break-up, I am wondering if she decided that I couldn't commit. The events were a best friends wedding that we travelled overseas for, and another friends hen party the night before she left me. This may be a test, and I may be failing it. So here is a situation where I think one has to be very careful with no contact; it should be carefully applied, or it may look as if I have written off the relationship and it obviously wasn't that important to me. Which is so not true. Then again, what if she just wants to be friends? Well I shall pluck up the courage to call her tonight and ask her out for dinner or similar; something with alcohol in it anyway! What's to lose?
  20. Clevertrevor
    Hi there, I really admire the conversation that is going on here, it is inspiring to read about normal people dealing with real life, getting to grips with a mutually held goal (getting him/her back) and supporting total strangers. This process cannot help but make us better people, with or without the ex. There is a lot of humanity here, you should all be proud of yourselves, and I wish you all every success. I hope you don't mind me popping my head in to ask you smart people (you know who you are) to have a look at my take on "Breaking The Rules": link removed and offer some thoughts; here's an update; Last night, went out with some friends got a bit drunk and surprise surprise broke 2 weeks of no-contact. I sent her a txt along the lines of; "Hi, I'm at (venue) in (location) watching (band) and their very f***in' funky drummer, wish you were here." She was always keen on drumming, in fact I gave her drumsticks and drumming lessons for christmas last year. So I don't know about you, but I thought that was quite smart, y'know; broke the no-contact, but showed her I was out enjoying myself (which I very much was) and let her know I was thinking of her. And as an aside, part of me hates the game-playing; I think I've always been up for honesty and clarity, this feels a little bit dirty. Then again, the sentiments within the txt were 100% true, it's just the motivation behind it that troubles me a bit.
  21. Clevertrevor
    Last night, went out with some friends got a bit drunk and surprise surprise broke 2 weeks of no-contact. I sent her a txt along the lines of; "Hi, I'm at (venue) in (location) watching (band) and their very f***in' funky drummer, wish you were here." She was always keen on drumming, in fact I gave her drumsticks and drumming lessons for christmas last year. So I don't know about you, but I thought that was quite smart, y'know; broke the no-contact, but showed her I was out enjoying myself (which I very much was) and let her know I was thinking of her. And as an aside, part of me hates the game-playing; I think I've always been up for honesty and clarity, this feels a little bit dirty. Then again, the sentiments within the txt were 100% true, it's just the motivation behind it that troubles me a bit.
  22. Clevertrevor
    Hello, Thanks for your replies, I certainly appreciate them all. Sorry if I was a bit thin with detail, just didn't want to bore you. And the thing is, there isn't really a lot else, which is why I'm scratching my head too, along with friends and family; typical responses along the lines of- "WHAT? But you seemed so happy!" and "She was telling me last week how much she loved you". So in answer to your questions; Marriage was certainly a mutual goal; she had asked me on several occasions about the idea (though always in a roundabout squirmy kind of way, never directly) and I always answered positively. There is an age-gap of 10 years (I'm older) which never mattered to us. I guess the common-sense answer is that she just wants to retain the friendship. What I can't reconcile is the break-up itself; things were truly not bad, there is no-one else, we have mutual values, mutual goals, mutual interests, mutual respect (except from me when I was being a dick and being impatient/grumpy etc). I love her to bits and to be respectful to that love I feel I will have to stay away from her for time to re-cast it as love in friendship. Otherwise it may turn into pure poison. My fear is that if in fact the commitment issue was the trigger, 'no-contact' may reinforce for her the rightness of her decision. My disappearance may confirm for her that I was not able to commit. Or am I over-thinking it? So, duh, why don't I just ask her? Well, I am scared. Scared that I'm wrong, that it really is over. Your thoughts please...
  23. Clevertrevor
    Hi, What I love about this forum is reading of the many complex combinations of heart-ache that stem from the same simple pairing. We really do make life hard for ourselves sometimes! So here's my sad story, with a question at the end; 3 yr relationship, mostly all good, if not always great. We had a bit of a hard year, not relationship-wise, more to do with being in an new city and coping with being really broke for a few months. I know that coping with outside pressures can lead to niggles within the relationship, but I thought we had done OK, we were looking forwards and had talked about this great year we were going to have, which commenced with a trip home (a very long way) to visit friends & family. We got back to the big city and 2 weeks later, the day after I had found a couple of great little flats which I was looking forward to showing her, she walks, saying she 'just couldn't see it' (our shared view of a future together, which had marriage and babies in it). p.s. the trip home didn't make us home-sick, in fact the opposite. Here's what has happened post-break-up; 1. We met at a party, and it was great, talked a lot, until the wee hours. We know the love is still there. 2. Next evening she called, upset, wanted me to come over to her new flat. I consider declining, but she sounded really upset, so I went over, stayed the night (no sex offered or wanted). We hugged goodbye in the am, felt OK. 3. We meet the next week (at her initiative) for dinner, talk some more. 4. Next weekend she asks if she can come and use my landline (her phone not yet connected) to call friends overseas. I said "of course" and then when she arrived just left her to it and went off to a party. This last meeting was almost 2 weeks ago, and didn't feel so good for me, no hugs or kisses. Also, on this occasion she forgot to take a towel that she had left at my place from when she moved out. Now, forgetfulness is not something she does. (I'm know, I'm probably reading too much into the towel!) So, that's it, apart from a group txt to her flat-warming. I am in no-contact mode (2 weeks), which is hard; more than once I have deleted a txt message just before sending it, or sat there with my finger over the 'connect' key. Yesterday I called my sister, she's pretty smart. I gave her the above sequence of events, not looking for answers, just telling her what had been going on, and she says to me "She is trying to tell you something." Err, what? I ask. Sister thinks this could be my ex's way of telling me she wants me to propose marriage. This idea could be wishful thinking on behalf of my sister, but she tends to call a spade a bloody spade in my experience. And as I said, I thought marriage was on the cards. Some things about us for background; I can be hard on people, and I reserve extra hardness for those closest to me (as you do). I have a tendency towards moodiness (diagnosed as mild dysthymia), which is always so much fun to be around. She's not a great communicator. I'm OK in that department. And we love each other, no questions there. What do you think?
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