What the heck??

[AngryHeart]

Sorry this is long. I tried to keep it as short as possible.

 

I had been talking to a guy off a dating site for around 2 weeks. He was very interested, texting me a whole lot, saying he really likes me, etc. (Red flag nhumber one? Too soon?) At first I just wasn't sure, I still had feelings for someone else, but it was never gonna happen with him. I decided to give him a chance, as he said all the right things, had quite a few same interests, and I was getting more and more interested.So, this last Friday I asked if he wanted to meet at a bar I was already going to. He said he had no money, would try to get ahold of his friend that owed ihim some (red flag number two? Not any money?) He then later told me he couldn't get in touch with him, that he was mad at his friend, and would meet me as soon as possible, promised. He told me he was staying at his sisters, hinting I think that he wanted me to go there instead. I wasn't going to.

 

That night I get a bit tipsy. I have the silly idea of going to see him (I know) So, I text asking him. He gets all excited telling me "I really want to see you baby" etc. But, I live a few hours walking distance fromt there, and told him I'm not sure how I'd get home. He claimed "I will make sure you get home tomorrow, promise" after thinking about ti for a while I decided to do it. I convinced my friend to take me there.

I met him outside near where he lived. Inatantly very attracted to him, he's gorgeous. He was also very charming, telling me I am gorgeous and awesome, and just what he expected. We sat on a bench talking for a while, then back to his. We hung out on Guitar Hero, and there was lots of laughs, cuddling, touching, kissing, sparks. etc.

 

After a few hours (It was early morning) we got into bed and tried to watch a DVD. I was so attracted to him it was hard to concentrate. We cuddled for a while, kissed, then he commented on how "beautiful" my breasts were (they were coverd up, but it was a low-cut top!) and started to tickle my cleavege. I told him I wouldn't just give it up, and wanted to mean it. He saiod he wouldn't really want me to on first date incase I think that's all he wanted. But, then jokingly said "I might fall asleep, you'll have to do something to keep me awake" and grinned. One thing led to another and we fooled about (just not the whole way) We then fell asleep cuddling.

 

The next morning was different already. He seemed offish. And came out, almost straight away, with "how are you going to get home? I need to go soon, got a lot of things to do" I was like, " didn't say you'd have to go so soon, you said you'd help me get back" he was like, "I know, but I wasn't really thinking about that then, I don't need you to tell me" To be fair, he didn't say it in a nasty way, but it did kinda make me think/feel "ouch" I did raise my voice a bit (I didn't shout though) and he said "You're going to be hard work, I can tell already, I'm so laid back I don't like people shouting" I said sorry if he thought I was shouting, I was just worried about getting home.

 

I text a few people, hoping they'd help me out. Nobody was replying. He was getting impatient and annoyed, I could tell, but claimed he wasn't. He was like "I really have to go soon" he then said, which strikes me odd now, "you think I'm just not going to text you again and leave you, don't you" Anyway, he came up witht he idea of me havign a look around the shops nearby, he quickly go do what he's gotta do while I try and get a lift, and then he'll come back soon. He sais he wouldn't be long because he's really quick, and it'd be easier if he went himself. I wasn't over the moon to be honest, but nicely and calmly said okay, thinkiing he really wouldn't be long.

 

I was out there for hours! And it was sooo freezing cold that I could barely feel my body and was hurting! He sent a text saying sorry things went pear-shaped, and he'll be back asap, but try and get a lift "darling". Nobody was replying though, and then my phone died! I only managed to sned him a text telling him where I am, nobody had replied, and my battery was about to run out. A few hours later I start to get really worried. I then decided I had to go, walked round to a friends house (to be honest, I hadn't really thought of it before, I wasn't thinking straight) He saw what a state I was in but was about to go to work, he called for him dad to take me.

 

When I got back, I text the "date" and told him what had happened. I didn't know if I should go mad at him or not. He didn't reply, so I then sent one saying "It did go a bit pear-shaped didn't it? mum was furious at him, and told me I was stupid too. She said it was disguting of him leaving me and he probably just wanted sex. I just wans't sure if it was my fault or not, and if I ahouls be mad at him or not. But, she drummed it into me it was him. So, later after not hearing anything back I told him basicaly, thanks a lot, that he had hurt me, and bye.

 

What the heck? Was it something I had done? Did I over-react? Is he mad I didn't tell him I had gone (after waiting hours! and not being able to becuse of my phone battery!)? Did the short text to his sorry text offend him? Or is he an a**? Just not interested all of a sudden and too cowardly to tell me? Do people really join dating sites just for sex?

 

I dunno what to think.

[annie24]

i agree with your mother. this guy just wanted you for sex, that was it. first off, yes, it's a huge red flag if he doesn't have enough money to meet you for 1 drink, and doesn't offer to meet you halfway, and doesn't get you home the next day like he promised he would. i think you went too far out of your way for him. you got to his place, brough him sex, and left empty handed. it was kind of like being a pizza delivery girl, but for sex. sorry if that sounds cruel, but i think that's what he got. delivered to his door.

 

i'd stay away from this guy, and only date guys who make an effort to see you - like meeting you for a drink downtown, making sure you get home safe, etc.... then later, when a guy is your bf, sure, go out of your way to get to his house and spend the night.

[Clementine orange]

This guy is a moron...and worse - surely you can do better than this...pfft - on-line dating guys.

Live and learn huh?

[parlae]

sounds shady to me.

[Jayar]

I don't agree that he only wanted sex. He may well have liked you heaps, until you went and catagorized yourself as a fling. In fact, he almost sounded a bit disappointed that you weren't different. Just my opinion.

 

This is what will happen when you jump into things too fast with a guy. At the beginning, he's trying to figure out whether you're a "for now" or a "forever" and you can't behave in a way that completely disgraces you while he's on the fence.

 

I agree he shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation, and I agree there's a double standard. But he's a GUY. It's what he's biologically designed to do. And the double standard has been in existence for ages.

 

Good luck with the next one. Maintain a bit more class, and you'll be surprised how far it gets you. The funny part is, most men don't even KNOW that's what they need, but when it comes along, they fall all over themselves to be with it.

[AngryHeart]

I'm not that kinda girl that sleep around or anything. This guy was very charming. It might not sound like that seeing it typed up, but it was the way he said and done things. I really thought we were going to go into bed and watch the DVD. It was actually a mattress in the living room, and it was cuddling while watching a DVD, so it wasn't really sleezy. He kept tickling my cleavage, and also around my thighs. He knew what he was doing. I'm far from a s***, honestly. I'm just human and very attracted to him. A good looking man touching me like that right near me....it happened. I didn't give it all up either. Atlough, I am disappointed I went that far. But, I don't know if he was! Touching me, getting a hard-on, and making that comment kinda tells me otherwise. Even if he did claim a few times before that he wasn't out for that. I'm not saying he definitely was either, but he was hardly stopping it...! He was turning me on, and I was trying hard not to give in because I know it's not the wise thing to do. Why is it okay for a guy to give in to being turned on and not a girl?

 

Oh, and what do you think about him leaving me in the freezing cold for hours, miles walking distance from home, and maybe never even coming back (I don't know if he was ever even going to, if he ever did!)? Surely, I at least deserve an explanation as to why he doesn't wanna know anymore?

[KG]

This guy you first meet starts tickling your cleavage, and thighs. Promises you a ride, leaves you shuddering in the snow?

 

You can't see this? He wanted to get in your pants, when he didn't, decided you could get dumped in the street.

 

C'mon now!!!!

[AngryHeart]

Why did he make such a point of "not being like other guys" In his first message to me, he said, "I'm not out to just see what I can get, I rather get to know somebody" And said it a few other times too. But then was coming onto me. Talk is cheap I guess. He also said "you're worried I won't text you again and will just leave you, I can tell" It's like he planned it...? I wonder if he ever even came back for me, or was going to!

 

He did get into my pants, sadly - just not full-on intercourse.

 

Man, he played it well though.

 

I'm losing my trust more and more...

[parlae]

Why did he make such a point of "not being like other guys" In his first message to me, he said, "I'm not out to just see what I can get, I rather get to know somebody" And said it a few other times too. But then was coming onto me.

 

well of course he's not just gonna say "hey, i just wanna get some action" or whatever..

 

that's how they get you.

they make a big deal of making the point that they're NOT like other guys.

when in reality they are.

 

just my opinion..

[Ariel85]

This guy is a first-rate player.

 

He has no place to live, so he has you meet him at his sisters place? He sounds married.

 

And yes, of course this was only for the sex. In two weeks, he was trying to suck you into liking him, yet he never made an effort to date you. He even told you that he had no money to meet you out, so you lower yourself to go meet him in the middle of the night?

 

OK, first off - PLEASE don't go meeting strange men in the middle of the night again. This whole story could have had a much grimmer ending than you not finding a ride home.

 

Secondly, think more of yourself to NOT set yourself up for this. Respect yourself, or else others never will...

 

P.S. But don't be discouraged. You are a young woman, and if your life, you will meet some good guys, and some real jerks. Just consider this a way to improve your screening skills...

[addictedblue]

WOWWWWWWWWWWW what a jerk!!!!!

 

Unfortunately I'm pretty sure he wanted you just for sex. He never wanted to take you out on a real date, just wrote crap in emails and texts he know girls want to hear.

 

I know you must really have wanted to see him to get a ride late at night to his sister's place, so you must be pretty disappointed and confused. Next time have a guy take you out, get to know him for quite some time (especially when meeting from dating sites), and then go to his place and watch a DVD. I'm sure you have already figured this out.

 

And the thing about him leaving you without a ride and in the cold is just heartless. EEEK.

 

It's possible he has a girlfriend or wife too. He never took you out, and met you at his sister's place instead of his own, and then left the next morning with no reply to texts. What was his reason for leaving by the way? You didn't say.

 

Just...don't talk to this guy again. And be more careful next time.

[HeartGoesOn]

You made a very irresponsible decision by meeting this guy in the middle of the night, by yourself. You also made a poor choice by jumping into bed with this stranger, since all you knew about him was what he typed.

 

What in the world were you thinking? Didn't you see a red flag when he said that he had no money, and lived with his sister?

 

I would consider myself very lucky that I ever made it home after willingly walking into a dangerous situation like that!

[AngryHeart]

He has no place to live, so he has you meet him at his sisters place? He sounds married.

 

He says he lives with his brother. But It's interesting you say this. I remember one of my first thoughts was that he had a girlfriend. I found it weird how he was staying at his sisters, and his reason for it was kinda weird. He said something about them staying at his, his sister and her kids, I can't even remember why they were supposedly at his. But, I remember thinking it weird and laughingly saying "you don't have a girlfriend do you?!" and he actually looked quite worried and was like "No! Of course I don't..." He also claims he doesn't get texts on his phone until after 7:30 PM, but that he had free ones all this weekend...hmm.

 

That's even more worrying if he has a girlfriend, because I fooled about with him...

 

And don't worry, next time I will be more careful. There will be no meeting at somebodies house on first dates, and no sexual anything. I know it could have turned out a lot worse, and my mum keeps reminding me that too. I know that's because she loves me though, and she actually reacted betetr than I thought she would about it.

[savignon]

OK, first off - PLEASE don't go meeting strange men in the middle of the night again. This whole story could have had a much grimmer ending than you not finding a ride home.

I second this whole-heartedly!!!

Unfortunately, we need to be very careful and be capable of taking care of ourselves (getting home, etc. incase something goes bad). Usually only in the beginning (and, yes 2 weeks is the beginning, no matter how nice he seems).

Instead of losing trust in all men, just have higher standards...a guy who is interested will take you out to dinner or to do something, will go places with you in public, will save the "middle of the night stuff" for the right time and place.

To be fair to him, you did ring him up and agree to going over there even when he suggested you'd get home "tomorrow". That's a little suggestive on both your parts that something was going to happen and at that early stage in a relationship when there have been no official dates or feelings discussed, it's fair game for hooking up and not calling or helping someone home. Classy? Fair? Double standard? That's just the way it is. We all tend to learn this one way or another (usually the hard way). So, take your lesson and move on to a guy who's ready to earn a DVD date with low-cut tops

[parlae]

You made a very irresponsible decision by meeting this guy in the middle of the night, by yourself. You also made a poor choice by jumping into bed with this stranger, since all you knew about him was what he typed.

 

What in the world were you thinking? Didn't you see a red flag when he said that he had no money, and lived with his sister?

 

I would consider myself very lucky that I ever made it home after willingly walking into a dangerous situation like that!

hey,

it was her decision. dont criticize her.

what is done is done and she came here to get opinions. not to feel bad about the situation.

 

i understand your opinion is yours, but no reason to make someone feel bad, right?

[AngryHeart]

What was his reason for leaving by the way? You didn't say.

 

Just...don't talk to this guy again. And be more careful next time.

 

Just seen this post, sorry. He said he had to meet his brother to do a few things. Pick a few things up. He said something about needing to sort out inssurance.

 

Yeah, I am hurt to be honest. He just wasn't what he made out, and even if I don't know him well, and had only been talking a couple of weeks it still hurts. It also baffles me how people can be so heartless. I don't think I could sleep if I did that to someone!

 

You made a very irresponsible decision by meeting this guy in the middle of the night, by yourself. You also made a poor choice by jumping into bed with this stranger, since all you knew about him was what he typed.

 

What in the world were you thinking? Didn't you see a red flag when he said that he had no money, and lived with his sister?

 

I would consider myself very lucky that I ever made it home after willingly walking into a dangerous situation like that!

 

Yeah really? I know this. I know it was irresponsible. But, you've never acted on impulse and desire before? I liked him, I believed his words, and wanted to take a chance. I had had a really good night, and had had a little to drink (atlough I wasn't drunk enough to not think properly or anything like that) I was just happy and wanted to take the chance. Maybe I'm stupid, but I'm pretty sure we've all done stupid things, esp. when the opposite sex is involved at my age! I did see red flags, but, I give people a chance.

 

To be fair to him, you did ring him up and agree to going over there even when he suggested you'd get home "tomorrow". That's a little suggestive on both your parts that something was going to happen and at that early stage in a relationship when there have been no official dates or feelings discussed, it's fair game for hooking up and not calling or helping someone home. Classy? Fair? Double standard? That's just the way it is. We all tend to learn this one way or another (usually the hard way). So, take your lesson and move on to a guy who's ready to earn a DVD date with low-cut tops

 

Yeah, I did agree. And that's why I didn't just get all mad at him at first. I was partly to blame on the getting home front. And I made the choice to meet him. I undetstand this. But, I do not feel it's "fair game" of him to not help me home! He promised me he would help me home the next day. He also did not tell me he would have to leave so soon. I had no idea it would be a rush job. I don't believe any man should leave a 20-year-old young woman out in the cold as long as that, and not even make sure I got home safe! Oh, and the low-cut top was nothing to do with him. I was already out that night, and it's just a top I like. Besides, it's not that low-cut. It doesn't scream "sleep with me" or anything...lol.

[HeartGoesOn]

hey,

it was her decision. dont criticize her.

what is done is done and she came here to get opinions. not to feel bad about the situation.

 

i understand your opinion is yours, but no reason to make someone feel bad, right?

 

 

 

I responded to her thread with my opinion, which is my right. You don't have to agree with my response, but I'm sure my point was made.

[savignon]

My low-cut top comment didn't come out right...I only meant to imply he didn't deserve any effort you made to look nice since he wasn't making any effort of his own to impress.

I think everyone here is trying to "bang you over the head" exactly because we *have* done things like that and it's not out of judgement but out of comradery...like, "come on, girl....we gotta be smarter than this". Everytime I see some poor girl on the news who got a lot worse than ditched in the cold with no ride home, and everyone is saying "what was she *thinking*??"....I know that I've made some decisions that people would have the same reaction to. No, it's not too much to ask that he be more considerate and you may or may not consider it "fair game" for him to diss you after he got what he wanted, but the reality is that SOME guys behave that way and SOME guys can't be trusted like that and SOME guys will take advantage and not care about the weather or your ride or any other circumstance. You may just have easily come accross a guy who would've driven you home before his errands. Or someone who would've said, "I had a great time last night...I'll call you later". But we live and learn and then make better decisions next time. Some of the red flags you noticed yourself and your red-flag-recognition-system will only improve with time.

[AngryHeart]

It's cool, I get what you mean. Thanks for the concern and advice.

 

I hope it will improve. I don't have great instincts. I'm hurt and disappointed, but as you said - you live and you learn, and I know it will pass. Just makes me feel like crap at the moment!

[Batya33]

You are so very lucky you did not get raped or killed by going to a stranger's house on the first meet - you have no idea if he was a safe person, who else could have been there and you had no quick way to get home. So lucky.

 

I agree with Jayar's analysis (and Annie's) and I think you relied on the typing and talking of a complete stranger as a substitute for actions and behavior over a period of time - I really hope you never put yourself at such a huge risk ever again. Please meet these people in a public place for a coffee and then allow the man to ask you out on a real date he plans in advance.

[AngryHeart]

I've been thinking, and reading about someone who was in the same sort of situation. Maybe it was my fault for fooling about with him sexually straight away? Maybe he really didn't want me to and is now disappointed? But, he was kinda coming onto me and made those comments, so even if it was just a test, what was I to think? I said in my last text "was it all just for a BJ?" so that might have upset him, but that was after he already ignored me! Why I'm thinking maybe it really did disappoint him, is because he did make a point of saying he;s not like other guys, that he didn't really want to have sex incase I thought he was, and he made a few "you think I'm just going to leave you" kind of remarks. But, then.....he did.....

[KG]

Angryheart,

Put this one behind you. You learned a lesson, not soon to be forgotten. So move on. Your emotions will heal, and you came out of it still healthy! But cold...LOL!

 

The wise are those that don't repeat mistakes, and I don't believe you will.

 

My best,

KG

[savignon]

Don't worry that you may have "disappointed him"....HE disappointed YOU and your expectations.

My rule of thumb is that good guys don't TELL you they're good guys...they just are.

[parlae]

good guys don't TELL you they're good guys...they just are.

that's a good way to put it, savignon!

[Mavh25]

He did want sex, but then you made it seem as though you did too by sending him tipsy txts wanting to see him and then spending the night with him straight away...

 

Don't txt him anymore, he'll just think you're a clingon, he is an idiot though. His attitude is ridiculous and he needs to grow a pair. Learn from it.