Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[Lowconfidence]

Actually, I used to dress like I normally did when I first went to college. Which was almost always dressed up and poised.

 

I got overwhelmed with unwanted attention. Sure, it is flattering but I hate turning people down, even if I have a GREAT reason. haha. So, after a few weeks of school, I found out that if I ditched my mascara (the only makeup that I actually wear), the high heels, the skirts, and always pulled my hair back, guys left me alone. I've had a few guys ask me out since then but all of those were friends who later developed feelings for me. No randoms just coming up to me on the sidewalk.

 

All those guys that come up to you now? They probably remember you as that hot chick who dresses down now! And now they think you won't remember and he'll seem genuine! LOL

[Cognitive_Canine]

All those guys that come up to you now? They probably remember you as that hot chick who dresses down now! And now they think you won't remember and he'll seem genuine! LOL

 

Well, one guy didn't know me till half way through first semester. That was after I started dressing down. He and I became really close friends. He often asked me why I dressed like it was laundry day every day. Then, one day, a group of us went out to eat and I dressed up since I really wanted to just feel that dressed up feeling again. Well, through a comedy of errors and people being no shows, it ended up just being him and I. I still remember the look on his face when he first saw me. Just like a "woah, wolfie's hot!". He and I couldn't be friends after that because he started developing feelings for me.

 

That one really sucked...

[Rose21]

That's why I eliminate new friends that are guys.

 

That tends to happen alot.

[Lowconfidence]

Well, one guy didn't know me till half way through first semester. That was after I started dressing down. He and I became really close friends. He often asked me why I dressed like it was laundry day every day. Then, one day, a group of us went out to eat and I dressed up since I really wanted to just feel that dressed up feeling again. Well, through a comedy of errors and people being no shows, it ended up just being him and I. I still remember the look on his face when he first saw me. Just like a "woah, wolfie's hot!". He and I couldn't be friends after that because he started developing feelings for me.

 

That one really sucked...

 

don't take this the wrong way. you are an attractive girl. it's hard for attractive women to develop genuine male friendships.

 

i bet if you asked most of your guy friends to start going out on a real date with you all dolled up the majority would say yes. it's just human nature.

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's only happened once with a close friend. Three times with casual friends. However, 4 out of a hundred or so ain't bad. Haha.

 

I wouldn't give up guy friends just because a few couldn't get with the program.

[Lowconfidence]

It's only happened once with a close friend. Three times with casual friends. However, 4 out of a hundred or so ain't bad. Haha.

 

I wouldn't give up guy friends just because a few couldn't get with the program.

 

I'm not saying to give up your male friends. but i bet there's another 10 guys in your friend stable who's just waiting for the appropiate moment to ask you out. and let's not forget the others who are just too shy to tell their feelings for you.

[Rose21]

That's EXACTLY how it was with me. Or the other way around.

 

When I was single the majority of my friends were guys, but then there was really only ONE guy (he still is now) to this day and during that time that I could of truly callen my friend. One who is totaly platonic, and whom never tried to chase me. But I can deffinatly say, that if I was single again and I aksed him out for a "date" he would deffinatly oblige and wouldnt mind going past the "friendly" barriers.

 

All the other guys just wanted some. It was okay to have those friends because I wasnt attatched. And when I had close guy friends whom I found very attractive and they had gfs I would still crush on them. Now that I am attatched, I can't have those kind of friendships.

 

Thats why I don't hang out with guys one on one or give my number out.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I give my guy friends a lot more credit than that. Sure, they may be attracted to me. But, we are friends first and a lot of guys are completely cool with that. The ones that respect me are my true friends.

[Rose21]

Yeah, see I never really had any GOOD male friends like that. Except for one.

 

So I don't know what that's like=(

[JadedStar]

Yeah, see I never really had any GOOD male friends like that. Except for one.

 

So I don't know what that's like=(

 

To be honest, i have read many of your replies on this subject and when you shared the things these guy friends did and/or said that led you to believe this it sounds more like you are the type of girl that totally misconstrues kindness and flirtation.

 

ON your last thread you gave a lot of examples of what you believe to be downright come ons. Most everyone else reading it was like THIS is what made you think that???

 

I think you just have it in your head that guys who flirt with you want to take it further. I am sure most guys would if given the chance but that does'nt mean that is all that is on their minds.

 

I don't think you give your guy friends credit, nor do i think you give your b/f any credit by keeping such strict tabs on him.

 

The fact that you think harmless things means a come on makes it far less surprsing that you make sure you keep your b/f on lockdown and close to foot.

[Rose21]

Well I give my ONE guy friend good credit.

 

And again, these guys I was talking about they wernt true friends. They all wanted some, and frankly they had told me so.

 

Some even wanted me to cheat when I got with my boyfriend! That is not something I would ever do.

 

 

One guy even had the nerve to text me and say (I was asking for advice) "Unless you are going to actually have sex with me, then * * * * off"

 

Unbeliavable! That's how most of the guys I were "friends" with were like.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well I give my ONE guy friend good credit.

 

And again, these guys I was talking about they wernt true friends. They all wanted some, and frankly they had told me so.

 

Some even wanted me to cheat when I got with my boyfriend! That is not something I would ever do.

 

 

One guy even had the nerve to text me and say (I was asking for advice) "Unless you are going to actually have sex with me, then * * * * off"

 

Unbeliavable! That's how most of the guys I were "friends" with were like.

 

 

Never come accross a guy like that.

 

I don't think it's the guys but more like the people you chose to be friends with.

 

All the guys that were sweet on me wanted to actually date. Not just get physical.

[Rose21]

Yeah only a few wanted that.

 

The majority wanted sex, and would most likely only keep me around for a FWB.

[Rose21]

My one good guy friend, we have been able to go to movies together and go out for lunch etc (when I was single) and be totaly cool. No feelings.

 

He was attracted to me, but he knew my boundries and wouldn't cross the friend barrier.

 

He however was the only guy, other then my boyfriend, that I've been totaly comfortable with to respect my morals.

 

There were some guys that would, but they would just not talk to me when they found out I wasn't interested in them relationship wise or for sex.

[lady00]

it's hard for attractive women to develop genuine male friendships.

 

I disagree. I have been told by people that I'm attractive, although I think it's in the eye of the beholder and don't think there is an objective answer to that. I have plenty of genuine male friendships. I don't think any of my male friends are attracted to me because we discuss their tastes and I know I am not their type. I have had male friends be attracted to me in the past and vice versa and we were able to get past that and have a genuine friendship (I have friends who went through the same thing and still remain friends with each other even though one has a bf and no the guy is not waiting around for them to break up, he's a true friend to both, otherwise he would not bother being a friend to either). Even If two people are attractive, it doesn't mean they find each other attractive or they want to be with each other. I've found guys attractive that I'd rather be friends with and I'm sure the same is true for many guys. I think this is a myth that gets spread around in the same vein as "ladder theory" yet I see so many friendships in my life and the lives of others that show that this is simply not the case.

[mark_jones11]

I think it should be okay to have friends of the opposite sex. If you make sure your husband knows how much you love and appreciate him then I imagine that he won't have a problem with it either.

[JadedStar]

i think it all depends on the friends in question too. I admit there are going to be smoe females that if he wants to befriend and hang out iwth one on one i might have a problem wtih that. If the person is generally not a very respectable person, i'd really question the reasoning behind my SO wanting this person as a friend.

 

So it really is case by case. As a general rule we do not hang one on one with any opp gender friends altho on occasion if we are out alone and run into one we are not going to avoid that person. that would be silly.

[COtuner]

But doesn't friendship involve sharing your lifestories? Whether it's about everyday life, your sex life, personal tragedies, etc etc. And sometimes there's casual physical contact, like putting your arm around the shoulder, hugs, shoulder rubs. Or what about little gifts here and there? Friends buy friends gifts.

 

None of my male friends have EVER laid a hand on me and I would get very upset if they did. Gifts sure - a chocolate bar or a cup of coffee at most. I bought a guy friend (and his wife) a spice set last Christmas so he could cook for his WIFE.

[COtuner]

Yeah, see I never really had any GOOD male friends like that. Except for one.

 

So I don't know what that's like=(

 

You said earlier you had relations with a lot of your guy friends. I have never ever ever in my life done more than shaken hands with a guy friend. I only sleep with men I am in a committed relationship with. That might be part of the problem for you.

[Rose21]

I have never slept with someone I haven't been commited to.

 

And thats only with one other guy before my boyfriend.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You said earlier you had relations with a lot of your guy friends. I have never ever ever in my life done more than shaken hands with a guy friend. I only sleep with men I am in a committed relationship with. That might be part of the problem for you.

 

Same here. Nothing more than a high five or an occasional fist bump. Even while single.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I have never slept with someone I haven't been commited to.

 

And thats only with one other guy before my boyfriend.

 

But you've fooled around? Am I right?

[Rose21]

Yeah with several. But alot of those guys I didn't keep around as friends.

 

And when I didn't want to anymore, they didn't want the friendship.

 

These were all guys I did have feelings for and wanted to date though, I got too attatched. That is why I could never have FWB.

[Batya33]

Given the choice between living with the mindset that "most men can't be friends with women" and "most men can't be trusted around a hot woman" and, on the other hand, the mindset that sure, there will be people who cheat, sure there will be temptations to cheat (whether or not you have opposite sex friends - maybe more so if you don't since it will seem like a novelty) - I choose, hands down, living from the positive perspective that if you are in a trusting relationship and if you trust yourself to make good choices in friends (of either sex), and insist that your friends respect and support your relationship, then why in the world would you forego valuable or potentially valuable friendships just based on gender? Not me.

 

Oh and the specific examples about massages and hugs - without respect to gender, there are friends I hug/kiss hello and friends I don't - it all depends. My friends and I don't give each other massages except my best friend, a woman, who is a massage therapist, so sometimes she gives me a free massage. My SO and I are not touchy feely with our opposite sex friends other than a hug hello and goodbye.

 

When there is trust, the relationship is stronger and feels more fun, and is freer. I trust my SO to behave appropriately with his female friends, and vice versa. He is 41 and if he started hanging around with a teenage or early 20s hottie I would know that they were not true friends -- mostly because that is not the type of person he would befriend. But to rule out all friendships on the off chance that there might be a situation that is uncomfortable makes little sense to me - if there is trust in the relationship.

[Lowconfidence]

I trust my SO to behave appropriately with his female friends, and vice versa. He is 41 and if he started hanging around with a teenage or early 20s hottie I would know that they were not true friends -- mostly because that is not the type of person he would befriend. But to rule out all friendships on the off chance that there might be a situation that is uncomfortable makes little sense to me - if there is trust in the relationship.

 

But what if that early 20s female is mature beyond her age. What's wrong with befriending a much younger, hotter female? Are you saying your SO does not like talking to mature, hot, younger females? Because they do exist.