Batya33 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 If they are asking you to cheat that is very different then staying friends with a platonic friend or even an ex who respects your decision. I wouldn't be friends with anyone who wasn't respectful of my relationship with my SO - those aren't true friends. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Although since I've been on Lexapro I havent had to deal with any of that. It all stemmed from my anxiety. I'm doing MUUCH better now. But the things that you say still sound VERY insecure. Secure people don't really talk like that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Batya if they are loyal and worth being in a relationship they wont cheat. If they do cheat at least you learned earlier that they are a dishonest piece of crap. Having female friends wont change their morality. But as I said, I eat and watch movies with only a female friend all the time and have no desire to sleep with them, esp when I was in a relationship. But I expect my honestly to pay off by being trusted. Oh I get that - but we all have our boundaries. In most cases to me it wouldn't be appropriate for my SO to watch a movie alone with a female friend at one of their houses - "appearance of impropriety"- but it's a non-issue because he wouldn't make a plan like that. So it's not a "rule" of mine because it doesn't need to be. I would make an exception if there was a female friend in town briefly and that was the only way they could spend time together- alone at one of their homes - and I am fine with him being with a married female colleague in her hotel room - she is also a friend to both of us- when they are preparing for a joint presentation. That is partly because I know her but also because I know at these conferences he attends that is typical - to prepare in someone's hotel room. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 That sounds healthy to me. I think both partners need to be happy with the boundaries of each other. Lets just say the kind of ship where all the people were always happy. I've never had someone break up with me. All the men I've dated, which was many, were crazy about me and wanted to commit. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Sometimes insecurity is something that someone with sufficient evidence for suspicion is bound to feel. A guy who tries to cut you off from all your friends and family is abusive. Someone who doesn't date people who have close friends of the opposite sex is a taaad bit different from that. I think that the insecurity argument is usually used by people who have wanted to be sexual with their best friend at one point and don't want to lose a very emotionally close relationship with that person just b/c they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. To me its a version of emotional cheating, if you've heard the term. How is having friends of the opposite sex a cause for suspicion? Both behaviours can be rooted in insecurity. Obviously I don't want to lose my emotional relationship with my best guy friend. I dont know if you noticed but friendships are emtional too. Especially REAL friendships. Every person in my life who has meaning to me I share a special connection with, it doesn't mean I'm cheating on my boyfriend, it just means that I value people that I care about to a great degree. My friend is respectful of my boyfriend, he goes out of his way to make my boyfriend feel welcome when he comes to our social gatherings. I would never choose a fake relationship in which the guy was too insecure to love me over a real friendship. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 It's the same I don't like female friends because I don't like the idea of it, not because I don't trust him. I don't like lap dances because I don't like them not because I think he's breaking my trust by getting one. No, a lap dance is very different from a friendship. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 That sounds healthy to me. I think both partners need to be happy with the boundaries of each other. Lets just say the kind of ship where all the people were always happy. I've never had someone break up with me. All the men I've dated, which was many, were crazy about me and wanted to commit. Hmm, this sounds really screwy. I have also been in relationships with men who want to commit. And thus far I have not been cheated on in a serious relationship that i know of and i have pretty strong reason to believe that. not once have i ever told them who they were ALLOWED to be friends with. That is CONTROL my friend. If there is a friend i am really uncomfortable with i will share it and hope they take it under advisement. I think you are under the very incorrect mindset that if a man is crazy about a person they will never want a friend of the opposite sex. That is the most screwed up thing I have ever heard. Maybe they were better at being discreet. The fact that you said you are ALWAYS happy is enough reason for me to feel suspect. I don't know of anyone who is ALWAYS happy and who never has problems. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I think the term "emotional cheating" gets way overused and overapplied especially when it is applied to platonic friendships. My personal definition of cheating - having sex or sexual intimacy outside of the relationship or going on a date with someone of the opposite sex - meaning, one person asks the other person out on a date - it's not a date just because the two people doing the activity are of the opposite sex. Link to comment
COtuner Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I would have to let him do that, since almost all of my friends are guys (nature of what I do for a living and my hobbies and interests tend to attract more male participants). As jealous as I would get of female friends he might have, I'd be a hypocrite if I was upset. My guy friends are coworkers, we only see each other at work or on group social outings. Also emails here and there with guy friends that were all former coworkers. All my guy friends are married and I meet their wives and know their kids and stuff. My BF is always welcome to join. Any guy that seems to be getting a crush or something, I gently cut off and stay away from him until things stabilize. If not, we have to end the friendship. Comes down to trust over jealousy, I guess, which is really hard to do because emotions are unpredictable. I guess there is the subjective factor of sexiness.... only one of my guy friends is attractive. If my BF had a female friend who looked like a 20 year old swimsuit model, I would be fighting the green eyed monster for sure. Link to comment
My Advice Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Lets just say the kind of ship where all the people were always happy. I've never had someone break up with me. All the men I've dated, which was many, were crazy about me and wanted to commit. Yummi doesn't mean you are in the right. You keep defending yourself but nobody is attacking you. We are questioning the fairness of your decision. You might just be lucky. It isn't because the men aren't having female friends. Not being alone with female friends is no barrier for cheating, and chances are if he does cheat, he wouldn't tell you he was alone with her in the first place. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I would have to let him do that, since almost all of my friends are guys (nature of what I do for a living and my hobbies and interests tend to attract more male participants). As jealous as I would get of female friends he might have, I'd be a hypocrite if I was upset. My guy friends are coworkers, we only see each other at work or on group social outings. Also emails here and there with guy friends that were all former coworkers. All my guy friends are married and I meet their wives and know their kids and stuff. My BF is always welcome to join. Any guy that seems to be getting a crush or something, I gently cut off and stay away from him until things stabilize. If not, we have to end the friendship. -) My situations are like yours. Same kind of opposite gender friendship. Nothing crazy. Not even one on one outings. But yet they are still my friends, and I would not like to be told they can't be my friends anymore. ANd my So has a handful of female friends he brought with him into the relationship. They don't hang out one on one either, it has never come up, but they are still his friends. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 What about us females who just do not have a lot of close female friends? I just can not stand girls, most of my close friends are guys. Does that mean I'm not allowed to have friends? Regulating someone else's life is just ridiculous. Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Okie dokie...good thing you and I don't ever have to date then, lol.. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 What about us females who just do not have a lot of close female friends? I just can not stand girls, most of my close friends are guys. Does that mean I'm not allowed to have friends? Regulating someone else's life is just ridiculous. Well, you not being able to stand girls is a different issue altogether. To not be able to stand ANY women, when there are a lot of great ones out there, says far more about you then them. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Okie dokie...good thing you and I don't ever have to date then, lol.. Well, that is a gimmie. Like My Advice said, you are spending a lot of time defending yourself when there was never an attack. Maybe doth protest too much. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Well, you not being able to stand girls is a different issue altogether. To not be able to stand ANY women, when there are a lot of great ones out there, says far more about you then them. Obviously I was exaggerating. I do have female friends, but they are not my closest friends. I see them here and there. I'm not a girly girl and I dont bond with a lot of females because we dont have the same interests. There is nothing wrong with me not bonding easily with femals, it's just my personality. It's not that im discriminatory and I choose to stay away from girls. Link to comment
My Advice Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 A lap dance is completely different than being alone with a female friend. The former is to GET OFF. The latter is just friendship. A close friend shouldn't be less valued than a romantic relationship. They are both equally as important and healthy when they are healthy. They are simply providing different things. It is incredibly controlling to tell a guy he can't hang out with female friends. Yes jealousy does happen. I admit I have gotten jealous but I trusted them and DEALT with it. If I did everything that prevented me from being jealous she'd never leave the house when I am having a bad day. You can't control feelings, but you can control how you deal with them. And if you don't want to be too controlling, you should just trust them. If you are with the right person they wont cheat. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Obviously I was exaggerating. I do have female friends, but they are not my closest friends. I see them here and there. I'm not a girly girl and I dont bond with a lot of females because we dont have the same interests. There is nothing wrong with me not bonding easily with femals, it's just my personality. It's not that im discriminatory and I choose to stay away from girls. To be honest the women i have met in my life who 'choose to stay away from girls" typically have had serious competitive issues. Just sayin what my experience has been. I typically get along better with men as well, but i could never say i stay away from girls or can't stand women. I think blaming that all on your personality is a bit defeatist. Half the population are women and if you find that much trouble with them you are bound to have some issues in your life because of it. Link to comment
My Advice Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 To be honest the women i have met in my life who 'choose to stay away from girls" typically have had serious competitive issues. Just sayin what my experience has been. I typically get along better with men as well, but i could never say i stay away from girls or can't stand women. I think blaming that all on your personality is a bit defeatist. Half the population are women and if you find that much trouble with them you are bound to have some issues in your life because of it. Jaded I agree. Usually the women I have known who have this kind of attitude were incredibly insecure. By the way, I might add they were all friends who I almost always had no interest in as a single man. I just liked hearing about their viewpoints. And they always had trust issues with men and low self esteem in my experience. Maybe that was why I was turned off. I value my female friends waaaaaaaaay too much to give them up because of somebody else's insecurity. I also might add that I would lose self respect if I allowed somebody to put that kind of clamp down on me and I am almost always about compromise in most instances in a relationship. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 To be honest the women i have met in my life who 'choose to stay away from girls" typically have had serious competitive issues. Just sayin what my experience has been. I typically get along better with men as well, but i could never say i stay away from girls or can't stand women. I think blaming that all on your personality is a bit defeatist. Half the population are women and if you find that much trouble with them you are bound to have some issues in your life because of it. Where did I say I choose to stay away from girls? I actually said the opposite. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Where did I say I choose to stay away from girls? I actually said the opposite. Umm, this? I'm not a girly girl and I dont bond with a lot of females because we dont have the same interests. There is nothing wrong with me not bonding easily with femals, it's just my personality. It's not that im discriminatory and I choose to stay away from girls YOU SAID VERBATIM YOU CHOOSE TO STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS. LMAO Link to comment
yumicecream Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I'm a very feminine woman ....I've mostly been attracted naturally to the type of men who hang out with other men or with a guy best friend ...I like manly men. So I've actually not had a problem with guys I've dated in this area this since that one guy. I don't have a problem with people who are fine with their SO's having close opposite sex friends. Personally, its not for me. I'm very compromising...at least I view myself that way: but there are definetly some things that I consider deal breakers. Link to comment
Marissa67 Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Umm, this? YOU SAID VERBATIM YOU CHOOSE TO STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS. LMAO Well, if you read the entire sentence... I said... "It's not that im discriminatory and I choose to stay away from girls " Link to comment
JadedStar Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Well, if you read the entire sentence... I said... "It's not that im discriminatory and I choose to stay away from girls " LOL but you said you choose to stay away from girls and then asked me where you said that. How does saying "i am not that discrimantory" in front of the statement i stay away from girls make the statement mean something different? Your posts sound like you have competition issues. I have never met a woman who didn't like hanging out with women who didn't have issues with insecurity, jealousy, or competition issues. Now liking haniging out with men more does not mean the same as choosing to not hang out with women period and disliking them as much as you have stated in your posts. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 I'm a very feminine woman ....I've mostly been attracted naturally to the type of men who hang out with other men or with a guy best friend ...I like manly men. So I've actually not had a problem with guys I've dated in this area this since that one guy. I don't have a problem with people who are fine with their SO's having close opposite sex friends. Personally, its not for me. I'm very compromising...at least I view myself that way: but there are definetly some things that I consider deal breakers. Wow. That's some generalization- that a manly man doesn't have female friends. I would think that a man who stayed away from female friends based on being "a man" would have some hang ups about his masculinity. Link to comment
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